what would you say has helped you the most?

[caughtnreleased]

Hi, for those who see progress in their healing, or who are healed, what would you say are the top two things you've done that have helped you most in your healing process?

[Suzn]

Since this is personal inventory... .what has helped you the most so far unhooking? And, how do you define "healed?"

[caughtnreleased]

hmmm true how do you define healed. Well perhaps someone who is content with their life, and is able to go out and achieve what they want in their life, and build fullfilling relationships. 

I have definitely grown in the past few months but sometimes I feel a little stuck, and that dealing with our issues can be a lot of navel gazing... .

Definitely becoming aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns, understanding where they come from, and how I can change them, and working through my own sadness I think are all things that have helped me a lot.  But it's true, at what point are we healed, at what point do we say, great, now I don't have to reach into my painful past and dredge up my pain, and I can live in the moment, build a life that is satisfying and rewarding, and be happy with it.

[Joseph54]

Hi

The first was to start sticking up for myself and no longer allowing the BPD to demoralize me.

The secound was to allow myself space and time to do things which I enjoyed that made me feel better about myself.

The third was to stop feeling sorry for myself and the predicament I found myself in.

Joe

[livednlearned]

I feel content with my life. I am achieving what I want. I'm working on creating fulfilling relationships.

Last week was the 3 year anniversary of leaving N/BPDx. I never thought I would ever feel content. Things aren't perfect, and I have a child with N/BPDx, so there's that circus. But overall, I feel like I'm in the home stretch.

The most important thing I did was to put myself first. I decided it was ok to feel awkward, and maybe even important. I was pretty awkward for the first year or so, learning to say how I felt, ask for what I wanted, to stand up for myself, take care of myself. I decided it was ok if someone didn't like me if I asserted myself. All those awkward emotions I felt when I was out of my comfort zone became easier to deal with.

The second most important thing I did was to lean into negative feelings. I leaned into them until I was horizontal. Turns out they aren't as bad as I thought. They didn't annihilate me like I thought they would, and sometimes I even felt better after letting them out, almost like relief.

Therapy is important. So is getting peer support, like from friends here. I'd like to take a class in mindfulness-based stress reduction, but I'm out of money and short on time.

Time away from BPD is also pretty healing, just on its own. Figuring out my part in the r/s, how I picked someone like N/BPDx, why I stayed, what I got out of it, how all the pieces came together -- I did that through therapy and reading anything I could get my hands on.

Now I'm dating someone. We've been together almost a year. Being in a r/s with someone who reciprocates, who is considerate, thoughtful, kind, and empathetic... .that feels good. It hasn't been easy opening up to intimacy after N/BPDx, but I'm glad I did.

[fakename]

what helped me the most:

- understanding BPD

- pushing myself to better myself (physically and mentally)... .finding new limits

- not being hard on myself

- when the time was right, understanding that i was just feeling bad for myself and that i needed to man up - plenty of other people around the world have to go through a lot worse

- keeping her out of my life

- accepting things

- working on finding peace of mind

- improving myself in terms of learning to control anger, jealousy, and all that other stuff...

-finding my hobbies

i dont know how to define healed. all i know is i'm slowly getting better. things will be better when i get my license back, find a job i enjoy... .

i'm not even where i want to be mentally just yet, but i'm getting there. i experiment with difference philosophies and mindsets to find what is right for me. most every step is progress. sometimes there's ruts, but even with those ruts, i dont get depressed anymore, i'll feel down, but i still feel more whole and with a peace of mind much greater than when i was with her... .

i cant remember who i was or how i acted or how i thought while with her or even before her. i dont think its bad that i've lost that person, only because i feel i am progressing into a person with more experience, wisdom and ultimately a better life... .

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks.  That is really helpful to see the different steps that have helped some of you in your healing process.  Putting yourself first, that is definitely a challenge, especially when we are not used to it.  I'm working on that as well.   Leaning into discomfort, awkwardness, and trying things that you fear, I guess are all things we should do.  I'm still working on those.  First I suppose I need to recognize my fears.  I've ordered a few books, although don't want to overdo it on that.   I mean I find some can be very helpful, and others not so much... . 

One of the things I forgot to mention that really put me light years ahead of understanding myself was in fact doing a meditation retreat.  All the things that I thought were other people's fault (my emotions.), well I discovered they were ingrained reactions inside of me.  It felt as though a curtain was lifted on how I function and I saw a lot of anger, and deep sadness.  Interestingly enough, this was in between my two PD relationships. (I knew nothing of PDs until I met my second PD).  Clearly the meditation did not heal me, but I think the second PD relationship could have been so much more destructive, had I not already understood certain things about myself. I think understanding BPD, as fakename mentionned, and reading everything on these boards, although a total shock to me at the time, was also helpful.  While i was bruised and battered from my second PD, I got out of that one without losing too much of myself, and perhaps I should give myself (and less him) some credit for it.

[fakename]

@unhooked, that great about the meditation retreat... .out of curiosity, it wasn't vipassana was it?


after further thought i figure i'd add this... .just some thoughts running through my head til i form a more final point of view... .


i dont think i care to really think in a frame of mind of ok eventually i'll be healed from all this... .i dont think there was a single moment when i was hurt and so have to apply the same in a sense there will never be a single moment when i feel healed... .

at the moment, i dont think of myself as damaged or anything like that... .i have a couple issues, and i'm working on those. my growth as a person has been going on since as far as i can remember. sure i took some wrong turns, but at least now i have a set focus on continued growth and i dont think 40 years from now that it'll ever come to a standstill... .every now and then i'll learn a bit more about myself, and if i care to reflect on certain instances, circumstances or events that come into my life, i'm sure i can see how i react as a result of who i am becoming... .

not sure if that makes sense... .but finally, i'll also add... i was never crazy about self help books or anything like that... .its nice to get guidance for sure and learn from others' mistakes, but i dont care to have anyone tell me how life should be lived. i will figure out what is right for me, not be pushed through a cookie cutter... .that may be seen as stubborn thinking, but i'm sure you can understand my point of view knowing that people like my ex are set on writing self-help books and doling out advice on what others should do with their lives... .

unless, its from my spiritual practice - i mainly just take advice into consideration before thinking about applying it to myself

[Cumulus]

Good question, guess I would have to say it depended on what stage I was going through at the time. Now, two and a half years into my new life I believe what is most helpful to me is a feeling of gratitude. Gratitude for where my life is, for the friends and family who listened, for the new understandings and thoughts I have, about what the relationship with xBPDh taught me and what living alone has taught me. It wasn't this way in the beginning, hard to find anything to be grateful for in the beginning.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi fakename, Yes it was vipassana.  Funny, I had actually dismissed it many years ago, when I was recently out of my first PD relationship. I thought... .that's new agey and spiritual, for people who are damaged... .I don't need that.  I suppose I've made a lot of progress since then.

You make some very good points about never being totally damaged, vs. never being totally healed.  Although that adds a very grey area, that is perhaps hard to grasp. I kind of wonder sometimes, where am I and where am I going (knowing abit about where I am coming from)?  Yes for me, healing is being able to go out and get what you want in life.  Certain things are holding me back, and I need to remind myself of what those are, and remember to confront them.

[fakename]

hahah, yeah i hear vipassana is great (my uncle and a couple others i know attended)

also funny, my ex went to two of the 10 day courses, and occasionally goes to volunteer at the 3 day courses... .so i can't say that she doesn't try to be a better person or find her happiness... .

i haven't gone to vipassana... .maybe one day, but for now i like applying this to my life: (my mom introduced me to it and i like to think she knows what she's talking about)

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dada_Bhagwan


you gave me a good reminder to confront whatever is holding me back, i'll be sure to make that my focus for the coming week... .thanks

[lockedout]

what helped me the most:

- understanding BPD

- pushing myself to better myself (physically and mentally)... .finding new limits

- not being hard on myself

- when the time was right, understanding that i was just feeling bad for myself and that i needed to man up - plenty of other people around the world have to go through a lot worse

- keeping her out of my life

- accepting things

- working on finding peace of mind

- improving myself in terms of learning to control anger, jealousy, and all that other stuff...

-finding my hobbies

i dont know how to define healed. all i know is i'm slowly getting better. things will be better when i get my license back, find a job i enjoy... .

i'm not even where i want to be mentally just yet, but i'm getting there. i experiment with difference philosophies and mindsets to find what is right for me. most every step is progress. sometimes there's ruts, but even with those ruts, i dont get depressed anymore, i'll feel down, but i still feel more whole and with a peace of mind much greater than when i was with her... .

i cant remember who i was or how i acted or how i thought while with her or even before her. i dont think its bad that i've lost that person, only because i feel i am progressing into a person with more experience, wisdom and ultimately a better life... .

This one sums it up very closely for me. I'm ten months out and doing unimaginably better. I still have my off days but nowhere near as bad or as frequent as they once were.

[caughtnreleased]

hahah, yeah i hear vipassana is great (my uncle and a couple others i know attended)

also funny, my ex went to two of the 10 day courses, and occasionally goes to volunteer at the 3 day courses... .so i can't say that she doesn't try to be a better person or find her happiness... .

i haven't gone to vipassana... .maybe one day, but for now i like applying this to my life: (my mom introduced me to it and i like to think she knows what she's talking about)

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dada_Bhagwan


you gave me a good reminder to confront whatever is holding me back, i'll be sure to make that my focus for the coming week... .thanks

hmm interesting that your BPD ex did it. My ex said he wanted to do it when I told him about it... .  I guess you take from those things what you can. I worked pretty hard during my ten days there, but you could also spend the whole time just getting some quiet time, or sleeping.  There are some pretty weird people who go, but luckily it's a silent retreat

I came out feeling incredibly vulnerable and tried to continue with the daily meditation, but stopped. I couldn't stand feeling so vulnerable, or rather didn't know how to handle it.

[charred]

At first it was mindfulness... as I was ruminating and obsessing so much I was a stressed out mess. Saw a T and he pointed me to mindfulness, and the noise and stress stopped and I was able to slowly regain control of my life.

Time has helped, its been about 18 months since the r/s ended and while there were some flare ups afterward, I managed to stay away and not get pulled back in. Reading helped a lot... about BPD (needed to understand it, and why I was devastated and drawn to the crazy)... about attachment theory (which explained not only BPD... but my the nature of my own issues... .though it didn't point to much in the way of cures.) Brene Brown's stuff... .which almost comes down to saying ... if you have a connection problem ... .reach out and connect... and be vulnerable and genuine. Made sense, just been hard to act on consistently.

Lowered expectations? Deep down I think I have always had a misguided, romantic notion that there is "true love" and "love at first sight"... and that around some corner I would run in to this person that would be "the one." My practical experience has been that real love grows very slowly from being around someone that has your interest at heart and over time comes to be invaluable to you. I was married 22 yrs... and still love my exwife and she still loves me, and its genuine, but no fireworks, nothing like the BPD insanity I have experienced. Holding on to hope of a r/s where you feel like you are a teenager out with the girl you had puppy love with... .seems to have been my undoing. My pwBPD and I had giant sparks... lightening bolts... just before a horrific conflagration... as that was what the r/s was, a total disaster. So... accepting reality and the reality that I need to enjoy being in the here and now relating with someone, not finding this wonderful static "r/s"... takes the stress, drama and self-deception away. I think accepting reality about the real nature of my pwBPD... and what it meant for me to have stayed with her for a few years of hell... has been hard and humbling, a lot of false ego has gone away. My expectations now... .are low, I want to meet people and enjoy time with them, but no grandiose expectations and I am thankful for what I have now.

[bb12]

As much as I hate to admit it, time was probably the single biggest element in my recovery. Time and NC.

I would love to say that some  moment was the panacea but that's just not true for me. There were a series of amazing moments in my recovery, like the discovery of BPD/ NPD, then Codependency. And these boards.

As a snapshot:

• NC... .any contact makes it worse. We are a trigger for eachother, so don't do it.
  
  Not internalising xBPD's message. Realising this was not 100% about me
  
  Owning my part... .but no more than my part
  
  Letting the addiction slide... .the peptides in my body fade
  
  Learning to feel... .stop intellectualising this and learn to listen to my emotions
  
  Learning to BE and not need to DO anything to be loved
  
  Monitoring where I am in the grief and abandonment cycles
  
  Taking the focus off them completely and onto my FOO and my codependency
  
  Stop trying to control others. Monitor whether I am giving properly or with expectation or condition
  
  Letting other BPD/NPD relationships go. Full spring clean
  
  Surrounding myself with generous, sorted people. Not trying to fix broken people anymore
  
  Love myself first. Know what I want in any situation and not feel selfish for getting it.

bb12

[HarmKrakow]

Realization that someone with BPD is truly mentally disordered, and that their brain is differently wired, created, and lesser in function than a normal sane being.

You can't expect someone with a low IQ to do maths on a PhD level.

You can't expect some to point out colors if they are color blind

You can't expect genuine and loving empathy of someone with BPD

Meaning, work on your own expectations.