Why do I feel bad that leaving will hurt her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know I have to leave.

The only thing holding me back is that it will hurt her.

I am happy on my own, we no longer spend much time together.

We mostly live in seperate homes and have no children together and do not need each other financially.

I do not want to be with her but would rather be hurt by her than hurt her feelings.

How do I cut the string of being afraid to hurt her feelings.

Joe

[Joseph54]

I know I have to leave.

The only thing holding me back is that it will hurt her.

I am happy on my own, we no longer spend much time together.

We mostly live in seperate homes and have no children together and do not need each other financially.

I do not want to be with her but would rather be hurt by her than hurt her feelings.

How do I cut the string of being afraid to hurt her feelings.

Joe

[laelle]

It is normal that you would not want someone that you care for to hurt, but it sounds like there is someone else in this relationship who is hurting and that person cries out to you.

You!- How do you see yourself?  Do you feel it acceptable to trade your wants and needs for her pain?  If she is BPD, you will be the caretaker for this woman the rest of your life, and you will struggle for your needs and wants to be acknowledged.  It is ok if this is acceptable to you, but if not... .  you need to take a long look at what value you are placing on your own emotional and physical well being. 


 Laelle

[happylogist]

Hi Joseph,

For a number of reasons I also preferred him to leave me and hurt me, rather than the opposite, I was ready for it and I think even without saying directly demonstrated to him. At the end he left me.  But leaving me came with devaluation and complete abandoning without closure, since he found a replacement - our mutual friend. I was not prepared that it could hurt so much and actually the main problems I am facing now are the result of how it ended. To be fair before I either did know or later was not sure about BPD, so many reactions were unexpected.  What I mean is that I totally understand your desire not to be a bad guy, but I also wish you to be prepared and aware of the side-effects. Unfortunately, there are no win-win options... .

[Joseph54]

Thanks to both of you for your insights and sharing with me your thoughts and experiences.

I believe she and mom (recently deceased) are and were uBPD's.

Thats how I learned to care for others more than for myself, mom taught and trained me from birth how to do it.

Now that mom is gone, I can for the first time start to hear my inner voice crying out. It is no longer being suppressed continually.

How can I develop that further or does it just get louder on it's own.

I want to grow and be free of the self destruction.

I am just beginning to see myself as worthy of respect as I can now see when others are respectful of me.

I am just beginning to see the love of others for who I am rather than repayment for what I have done for them.

I am just starting to be okay with taking care of myself.

What does that look like what are the pitfalls?

 Joe   

[Learning_curve74]

I believe she and mom (recently deceased) are and were uBPD's.

Thats how I learned to care for others more than for myself, mom taught and trained me from birth how to do it.

Now that mom is gone, I can for the first time start to hear my inner voice crying out. It is no longer being suppressed continually.

How can I develop that further or does it just get louder on it's own.

I want to grow and be free of the self destruction.

I am just beginning to see myself as worthy of respect as I can now see when others are respectful of me.

I am just beginning to see the love of others for who I am rather than repayment for what I have done for them.

I am just starting to be okay with taking care of myself.

What does that look like what are the pitfalls?

Joe... .I am very moved by your post. That you can see these things and write about them is a huge step forward. 

I don't have any quick answers for you. Are you in therapy? I wasn't one to think that I would ever benefit from it, but I've found that it has been terrific for my healing and growth.

You may also want to check out this site I found for some articles that might be worthwhile and give you both understanding and possibly tools for your personal healing and growth: Center for Growth: Codependency. I know that I rejected the "label" of "codependent" when a friend of mine introduced me to it, but I know that I do have some of the characteristics of what many people consider codependency. Regardless of what our issues are, if we find an effective and healthy way to address them, then it doesn't matter what we want to call it, does it?

Best wishes to you, Joe. 

[laelle]

Thanks to both of you for your insights and sharing with me your thoughts and experiences.

I believe she and mom (recently deceased) are and were uBPD's.

Thats how I learned to care for others more than for myself, mom taught and trained me from birth how to do it.

Now that mom is gone, I can for the first time start to hear my inner voice crying out. It is no longer being suppressed continually.

How can I develop that further or does it just get louder on it's own.

I want to grow and be free of the self destruction.

I am just beginning to see myself as worthy of respect as I can now see when others are respectful of me.

I am just beginning to see the love of others for who I am rather than repayment for what I have done for them.

I am just starting to be okay with taking care of myself.

What does that look like what are the pitfalls?

 Joe   

What kind of things do you enjoy Joe?  Are you into sports or have another hobby?  Have you taken the time lately to do something just for yourself?

Explore those things... discover new things about yourself... .your likes and dislikes.  Other people do not define your self worth, it is you that does that.

How much do you think that you are worth Joe?  Be your own champion!

You do not owe anyone anything... .  I think learning curve gave you some super advice on seeing a psychologist.  Having someone to listen to how you FEEL and what you WANT can really help

you to find a new path that includes your happiness and not just the happiness of those around you.

It is not only ok to have your wants and needs met, it is necessary in keeping you happy and healthy.  You matter!

[heartandwhole]

Joseph54,

Thank you for sharing this. You are doing great work and your post is very touching.    Just wanted to share what I thought as I read your words.

Thats how I learned to care for others more than for myself, mom taught and trained me from birth how to do it.

Yes, and I'm sorry you learned to put yourself aside. Fortunately, you can unlearn old patterns and replace them with new ones.

Now that mom is gone, I can for the first time start to hear my inner voice crying out. It is no longer being suppressed continually.

How can I develop that further or does it just get louder on it's own.

Listen.  Listen to that voice, it will tell you a lot.  Then respond to "little Joe" with love and compassion.  I listen and talk with my "little heart" and let her know I'll always be there for her.

I want to grow and be free of the self destruction.

You are growing and will continue to grow.  The destruction can be stopped by learning new ways.  It hasn't damaged who you really are.

I am just beginning to see myself as worthy of respect as I can now see when others are respectful of me.

I am just beginning to see the love of others for who I am rather than repayment for what I have done for them.

It's wonderful that you see this, that's half the battle right there! 

I am just starting to be okay with taking care of myself.

This is wonderful, you are making great strides.

What does that look like what are the pitfalls?

It looks like Joseph54, and there are no pitfalls to loving yourself. 

[Joseph54]

Thank you!

I do have quite a few interest and always had things I did enjoy but was emotionally controlled.

I began allowing myself the priviledge of doing what I wanted, following my heart, since March which was at the beginning of a 5 week total separation from my wife and have found a greater level of balance and peace in doing so.

I became aware of the control my mother and wife had over me 18 months ago and was hurt enough to start the process of change and my finding the BPD family board June of 2012. Which lead to the separation in March. I began sticking up for myself.

I then started therapy with my wife in April until July. Spent 5 weeks at the cottage without my wife but have friends and family there to spend time with and do things with. I love the water, boating, people and partying. I then stopped feeling sorry for myself and truly enjoying life.

I have recently been receiving alot of awards and recognition for work I have done in my community. It all came as quite a surprise but was needed to complete a project I was involved in. It was through this I began to recognize how I impacted others and the respect that was given to me allowed me to see myself through the eyes of others which was the first time I could honestly accept respect and see that it was for me and not for what I did for them as individuals. That has brought me to where I am today as far as seeing my value as a person.

I came back to work in September refreshed and with a new outlook. I returned to therapy on my own to deal with me without my wife.

I have been in counselling over different periods of my adult life for varying reasons such as anxiety, depression and co-dependancy.

I am recognizing the fact that It's okay to protect me and not only others. Also, it is probably the normal thing to do. 

So, I want to thank you! for your encouragement, honesty and love it is overwhelming.

I keep rereading your posts and I find your responses touching and caring.

I do not want the drama anymore and also I think I am on the right track.

It is just a new road and I am glad to share it with you.

I need your help and guidance, so I don't get lost.

I will keep listening to the inner voice.

 Joe