Wants to be friends

[Pretty Woman]

So I have been texting my ex. 

I know we are not supposed to do this but I felt compelled. I saw my therapist and was feeling in a better place.

My ex was very receptive but skeptic. She stated: I hope you are not doing these things to "change" my decision. I do not see us ever getting back together.

I proceeded to tell her no. I did not tell her this part but my therapist believes I have BPD markers myself. She (my ex) is BPD but I am very guilty of push pull. I am also insecure and know I need to work on myself.

We had a very good conversation. She has set boundaries which frightens me though.  She wants to spend my birthday with me however under no pretenses we are getting back together.

I am not sure I am fully capable of that. She said I can get back to her next week.

I am very confused.  I really want this to work and work correctly. I am so afraid she will find someone else but I know how this illness works.

I don't want to contribute to my own internal pain but I do not want to lose her. I am afraid of being the "friend" and back up when her needs are not being met.

I need some advice.

In the past she would cut me off completely saying she didn't even want to be friends. When I went NC she came back.  I don't plan on talking to her this week. I have a lot of things going on and need to focus on me.

This time she is different with me. I am not begging or pushing. I am accepting. I don't know how that works with BPD. Am I laying on my back here (not to be graphic) to be crushed?

There is love here but we are both fragile. I need to work on me but the thought of losing her scares me. I really do love her.

[houseofswans]

I understand your frustration earth angel.

My frustration lies with the fact that I sent a couple of heartfelt emails to my ex.

I asked many questions and gave her many opportunities to give me closure.

She hasn't bothered to reply.

However, I would be tempted, very tempted if I were in your shoes and had the opportunity to give the r/s another go... .

[Pretty Woman]

Well I am not sure if this is an "opportunity" per sey. I am not sure if she is just leaving the door open to use me as a back up plan or what? I don't want to get trapped in the situation. For now, I am acting as I am moving on and accepting the end of the relationship.

[fiddlestix]

BE VERY CAREFUL EARTH ANGEL!  You are dealing with a loaded gun.  One or both of you can get hurt even worse.  Recycles are, for whatever reason, more painful than the first breakup.  Last spring my ex dBPD wife sent me some very friendly texts and emails.  She said she missed me terribly, that she had a huge hole in her heart and that I was her "best friend ever."  Then she said she did not miss me romantically.  But over the next few weeks her texts became more flirtatious and frequent.  I think my new strength was a turn on to her.  I resisted her seduction attempts that finally came.  Well, she broke me down.  We did not sleep together (thank God!), but she hooked me again.  After I was "on the hook" she threw me overboard and ran off with a younger man.

Needless to say, this hurt bad!  This set my healing back many months.  The recycle happened last June and I am still trying to regain composure. 

Earthangel, your ex may say she will not change her mind, that she wants to be "just friends."   But neither you, nor she, really knows what will happen.  Bpd often people follow their instant gratification urges.  She may decide to give you another shot at the relationship.  You may jump back in.  It may work out.  But I caution you, if it doesn't, the pain that will descend upon you will be horrific.  Take my word, and the words of countless others on this board: to be rejected again hurts worse.  To be tossed aside for a shinier toy is hell.

But you must decide what you will do.  Take what you like of my words, and leave the rest.  Either way, we will always be here on this site to help and support you  

Fiddle

[Pretty Woman]

I did it.  I sent a simple email stating:

I've decided not to spend my birthday with you.  Thanks.

That's all I wrote and I sent it from an account I don't normally use.  I need to move on from this.  If there is another woman which there most likely is I don't need it thrown in my face.  I am hopeful I can recover from this and she will not attempt to recycle me ever again. 

[LA4610]

that email was the best thing you could do.

i am struggling with this too. i can't wrap my head around the idea that i can't be friends with someone, but this "someone" is not normal, they are sick. WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM. it is hard as hell, but every day i don't talk to her, look at our pics together, or even talk to mutual friends i feel better. i hope you can do the same.

[houseofswans]

Well Done 

That was a VERY brave decision to make!

I personally would have been vacillating to such an extent that I'd probably give in and agree 

[Pretty Woman]

It wasn't easy and I hovered over the send button for over an hour but it's like this:

Someone dumps you calmly, tells you that you were meant to be best friends then goes to a bar and hits on one of your friends immediately after. 


That is not normal.  Normal people do not grieve that way.  First she demands we be friends then she tells me she would like to take me out for my birthday but don't expect more because we are never getting back together again.

Why would I want to spend my birthday with someone who does that? Why hurt myself more... .on my birthday?

[patientandclear]

Earth Angel:

Your ex would like you to assist her in feeling like there is nothing wrong with how she acts and what she does.  She is trying to get you to sign on to that storyline.  If you would (by agreeing to be friends on her terms) that would be quite valuable to her -- it would rinse the guilt and the sneaking suspicion that maybe she behaved badly right off her.

She essentially wants you to abandon yourself because it would make her feel better.  Your birthday is important to her because it's a good opportunity to purge any bad feelings she may still have about her own decision.

I couldn't agree more that your email was perfect and that this is a good decision.

[Learning_curve74]

She essentially wants you to abandon yourself because it would make her feel better.  Your birthday is important to her because it's a good opportunity to purge any bad feelings she may still have about her own decision.

I couldn't agree more that your email was perfect and that this is a good decision.

Wise words from p&c! And a difficult but wise decision you made, earth angel. We know because many of us have been in the same position as you. 

I came to the same realization about my exBPDgf; namely not only was she not a healthy partner but she is not even somebody who can be a good friend.

[YorksGuy]

I'm in the process of separating from my BPD ex-partner. Its been a real roller coaster but involving others (lawyers and therapists has been helpful) I finally have some control at a strategic and emotional level even though she plays her games direct and through our children on a daily basis.

One of the questions my therapist asked me was whether I needed some drama in my life? I think its important that we should all try to identify and understand our own roles in our relationships with BPDs.

Incidentally my answer was no, I need normality... .someone who cares, someone who I can trust , someone I can be me with and someone with whom I can have a rational shared reality.

When I read the posts here it's clear many find cutting loose as hard as I have but unless the BPD will seek professional help the alternative is losing your mind to the poison.

A

[Bananas]

earth angel you did good!    

my ex does not have any of the qualities i would look to in a friend.  he will say the words from time to time but the actions are not there.  in fact, quite the opposite.   

[Pretty Woman]

I screwed up.  I broke down and text her to which she raged at me calling me an inconsiderate a word and a viper projecting b word.

Today was a memorial service for a little one. A friend of a friend of hers.  I was supposed to go and was feeling badly. I actually bought a balloon here and launched it in his honor since I could not be there. 

I am devastated and so sad over us.  It was wrong for me to text but she was so nasty in her reply. 

I feel horrible. 

[darling82]

Don't beat yourself up too much, earth angel. It's a healing process. I recycled with my now exhwuBPD and diagnosed bipolar disorder last month multiple times even though I knew he was and still is dating some new woman who worships him. We even had sex, and it set my healing back considerably.

The important is to allow yourself to grieve naturally and know that the problem does not lie with you and it is not yours to change. Your earlier posts on this thread showed real and admirable strength. You will get there again. Keep posting on here if you need a sympathetic ear.

[ScotisGone74]

Generally after it ends many BPD's say they want to be 'friends'.    But ask yourself,  was the BPD always doing things you would consider a good 'friend' to do?   Do they have all the qualities that You need in a good friend? 

My belief is that they do it so maybe they will not feel quite as guilty and shamed for all the nasty, vile things that they did and so they can use it to triangulate the new person they are in a relationship/s with at the time being.   I think NC gives their ego a little kick in the arse especially when their new relationship begins its downward spiral and they have thoughts about what they've done in the past.   

[LaSuede]

 Earth angel,

I know the feeling.

I really hope you can be kinder to yourself.

Don't say you "screwed up"... .

What to do in a screwed up situation/rs, when the partner or ex does screwed up things to you... ?

You are at the other end of that balance, so when doing good to you, setting boundaries, it's so uncomfortable and not your "comfort zone", you relapse even worse... .

Putting stronger boundaries... .

Relapse worse, worse... .

I have done it on a constant basis, still do to a certain extent.

Please, by being hard on us (I am too a lot!), we are not setting free, we get ourself stuck there. I hope you will say now:

"Hey this is hard, maybe the hardest, most painful thing I've been thru.

I will not be or do perfect all the time. Of course who would?

But I must try to get more and more comfortable caring about me, and more and more uncomfortable staying in abusive r/s."

You have a life to live.

You showed tremendous strength (doubt I would have managed... .)

I guess it felt uncomfortable... ? Not something you are used to?

Well that is the feeling you should recognise and feel more.

Cause you are worth to feel comfortable in good and feel boundaries in bad.

Be kind. Keep cool, smart and loving.

You are.