At the limit of what I will accept

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Whoah, even a cat like me is most impressed with your great efforts to promote the well-being of each and every member of your family:

The big dog is safely at the doggie place.  The doggie place is allowing him lots of time to be out and about with their family (the kennel is on a farm).  They know that he is under stress at the moment.  My focus is to get my husband out of the house as soon as practical so that I can get my big boy back here where I can provide him stability.  Had a long talk with the dog person (very experienced) and got lots of good advice on how best to care for him (and alleviate some of the stress that my husband is creating in his doggie life).

[KateCat]

Whoah, even a cat like me is most impressed with your great efforts to promote the well-being of each and every member of your family:

The big dog is safely at the doggie place.  The doggie place is allowing him lots of time to be out and about with their family (the kennel is on a farm).  They know that he is under stress at the moment.  My focus is to get my husband out of the house as soon as practical so that I can get my big boy back here where I can provide him stability.  Had a long talk with the dog person (very experienced) and got lots of good advice on how best to care for him (and alleviate some of the stress that my husband is creating in his doggie life).

[allibaba]

I'm glad that you feel like I am protecting my family ok.

So unsurprisingly, my husband is coming off the rails today.  Our son was up a lot last night with a hacking cough.  This morning I asked if he wanted to keep him at home or should I take him to daycare.  He went into a tirade about how I should be ashamed of myself that I am a disgusting person and that he is going to report me to child services for neglect.  I didn't respond.  I just left the house and headed to the doc office.  Got our son an appt for 3:30 and had them take his temperature (no temperature) and document.

Later my husband called back and asked why I took him to daycare when he told me not to.  I said that we had gone to the doctor and gotten the ok.  He went mental about how fevers are the last stage and he's going to become very sick but that clearly I didn't give the doctor's office enough information about what was going on.

He also told me that if I don't make a payment to him before the end of the week then he's going to take matters into his own hands in court and I have been warned.

He then called back about 6 times and I didn't answer.  He said he is selling our ATV and needs the paperwork from me.

I spoke to the lawyer and made an appt for next Tues afternoon (in one week).  She said I'm at no danger and if I give him any money just make sure that he signs something stating that it is an advance on a potential equalization payment.

Still calm - just trying to point things towards a therapeutic separation but its pretty much out of my hands.

[KateCat]

Alli,

I think you've mentioned that there have been times in the past when your husband has begun packing his bags to leave, "splitting stuff," and so on. Do you think he would ever actually engage an attorney or do you pretty much conclude that any legal action toward separation would need to be initiated by you?

I guess I'm asking: is a move toward some type of therapeutic situation really out of your hands? (And maybe whether fear of his suicide is what's holding you back, as that would be my primary fear, I think.)

[patientandclear]

Going from KateCat's important & serious questions to a light moment in your favor here:

It cracked me up that he told you he was "only" staying because you are so supportive & because of the great sex.

!

Isn't that pretty much a massive "thumbs-up" report on your marriage?  Most people who feel supported by their partner with whom they have great sex are feeling pretty good about the whole situation.

[KateCat]

It cracked me up that he told you he was "only" staying because you are so supportive & because of the great sex.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we all want to marry you!

[allibaba]

Thanks for bit of levity this morning!



I think that the therapeutic separation is completely in my hands actually.  There is no way that my husband would get off his butt and see a lawyer/ do a separation etc.  Thanks for bringing me back to reality.  

I offhandedly mentioned to a co-worker that I know is going through a divorce that my husband and I would be separating to try to address some issues (no mention of the insanity I am actually going through) at which point he asked if I wanted to have lunch on Friday.  I think that it was pretty innocent but immediately made him aware that I am trying to make my marriage work.  This triggered a whole bunch of memories of being single and how damn complicated it is (like my current home life isn't complicated )... .anyway I actually had trouble sleeping last night because its the first time in 10 yrs that I have even considered that the time would come when my husband and I wouldn't grow old together.  Sniffle.

[allibaba]

Going from KateCat's important & serious questions to a light moment in your favor here:

It cracked me up that he told you he was "only" staying because you are so supportive & because of the great sex.

!

Isn't that pretty much a massive "thumbs-up" report on your marriage?  Most people who feel supported by their partner with whom they have great sex are feeling pretty good about the whole situation.

LOL he said he was staying with me because I support him FINANCIALLY and we have good sex.  He doesn't feel supported as a person around me but its not for lack of trying on my part.

And to address KateCat's serious concern, I actually think my husband may go the opposite route of suicidal thoughts and get off his butt and get a job (gotta love that NPD).

[Love Is Not Enough]

Love Is Not Enough, thanks for your comments.  I am glad that you are gaining something out of my story.  Never in my life did I think that I have the strength that I feel today.  Even if its only temporary to get me through this - I'll take it!  Its also nice to hear the validation when my husband is spending 24/7 telling me why I am incompetent and the cause of his life failures.

The thing that helped me the most was the LESSONS to the right of the staying board.  First learning not to justify, argue, defend, explain (JADE) all the time.  Then establishment of boundaries (starting w the most damaging behaviors), then learning validation.  Clearly this hasn't been enough, but I have peace that I am doing all I can for my relationship.  Firm and consistent boundaries were the biggest key step for me.

Thank you! I am trying to figure those things out now. Especially my boundaries. Please stay strong, you're a great role model!

[allibaba]

oops

[allibaba]

Love is not enough!  Good luck but please stay safe.  Your BPD will not like it when you start on this journey.

I am cutting out something that I posted on another post for your reference (saw that there may be a DV component to your relationship).  This snippet was about a uBPD wife who would not let her husband leave the house when she was raging:

************

I don't think that it will surprise you that this is considered Domestic Violence (toward you) and it is illegal.  

I have mentioned in the past that it is a good idea to stop in at the police station and speak to someone calmly about your situation at home.  Make sure that it is your local police.  The police that will actually respond if you or she ever calls 911.  

Explain that you are dealing with something difficult at home and while you are committed to your marriage you need to understand local laws as well as your rights and responsibilities in the situation.  Also let them know that you need advice here.  She is not allowed to TRAP you.  You have a right to be able to escape her when she is on a tirade.  Exercising that right may be the only way to stop this horrible cycle for you sad  Obviously  you don't want to call the police on her if you don't have to... .that would be absolute absolute last resort.

Believe me... .its not easy.  The first time I walked away from a major rage of my husband I ended in a Domestic violence shelter for 3 days -- it wasn't fun.

*******

And don't feel bad about talking to the police.  You are doing it in a calm and quiet moment so that you know how to handle it when things get difficult.  You are actually doing this to try to stay in the relationship!  But if you don't intend to report an incident make sure not to mention any violence or threats of violence.  Refer to it as 'behavior that made me nervous' or 'could tell that things were going the wrong way'... .depending on the local laws... .law enforcement HAS to press charges if they believe that there is a real DV situation going on.  I have preferred to have this as a tool in my toolkit that I have control of.  Of course if and when there is a real problem GO FOR IT.  SAFETY FIRST.

Please stay strong, you're a great role model!

 Shucks man.  You are making me blush.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Thank you for reposting that. I had seen that and I was planning on dropping by the police station later this week when I can get away from work. I am curios what out local laws are here. I hope things improve for you and I will see you back on the staying board soon 

[allibaba]

My husband just called me to ask for a "TRUCE"

I said 'of course I want a 'truce' but you need to get help.  He said that his dad told him that if he wants to run the house, he needs to take the bull by the horns and if he bankrupts us doing it then so be it.  I haven't spoken to his dad and don't plan to but I KNOW that he wouldn't say that.

He said that he has been getting professional treatment for MONTHS.  This is just a straight out lie.  I got out of the conversation saying that we can talk about it when I get home.  Its tough navigating these twisted waters!

Suggested responses.  I was thinking that I'll propose a 6 month therapeutic separation.

[eyvindr]

LOL!

It cracked me up that he told you he was "only" staying because you are so supportive & because of the great sex.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we all want to marry you!

[allibaba]

My husband just called me to ask for a "TRUCE"

I said 'of course I want a 'truce' but you need to get help.  He said that his dad told him that if he wants to run the house, he needs to take the bull by the horns and if he bankrupts us doing it then so be it.  I haven't spoken to his dad and don't plan to but I KNOW that he wouldn't say that.

He said that he has been getting professional treatment for MONTHS.  This is just a straight out lie.  I got out of the conversation saying that we can talk about it when I get home.  Its tough navigating these twisted waters!

Suggested responses.  I was thinking that I'll propose a 6 month therapeutic separation.

Ok never mind he called and explained that basically he plans on doing things differently and now it will work.  I pushed him only slightly on how that was going to happen and said 'never mind' making things work isn't worth it and hung up on me.

[Sluggo]

ugh... .

Sorry to hear that Allibaba... .but hearing the fact that he asked you for a truce is showing that your boundaries are being seen.  Must really be tough for you now... . 

[123Phoebe]

alli, do you still plan to propose the therapeutic separation?  Have you spoken with a therapist about doing this?

[allibaba]

Pushing a little and seeing him cave immediately (ie no commitment to do anything) was better than caving... .I think a theuraptic separation is the only way forward for us at this point... .

[waverider]

This topic has now been locked as it has now reached 4 pages.

Please feel free to continue any further related issues in a new thread

thanks for your participation

waverider