How would you define the moment of forgiveness of your Mom?

[lucylou]

 Hi everyone, I wanted to ask how you would define the moment you knew you had forgiven your BPD mom?

I have been having on and off contact with my BPD mom for the last couple of years. For the last year i have been in therapy and decided to reconnect with Mother. Needless to say i soon found it harder than expected, and withdraw again for a few months. I have been VLC  recently and have had to keep my relationship very superficial with her as I know she cannot be trusted and that I am really just "sleeping with the enemy" so to speak . I have put the boundaries etc but it doesnt stop her making hurtful remarks and doing the usual irritating stuff that they do.

Last week my Son was rushed into hospital with what was suspected as being pressure in his brain. After many hours anxiously praying and  waiting  for the results of a brain scan he was given the all clear for any tumours etc. I rang Mother and told her what had happened, and predicatably she was pretty non supportive. The thing is when all this happened it really helped me put my life in to perspective and i realised that actually in the scale of life and whats precious she isnt so important to me anymore. And furthermore, as she recently hinted she had signed all her money away to her boyfriend, something that hurt a lot, that money didnt really matter. I felt in essence it was a real wake up call.

Today she called me and our chat soon turned to an argument when she said something that i wasnt happy about. I heard her say all the things that i knew she belived about me, i.e i havent worked in 20 years, im a scrounger im mentally ill like my dad. You can just imagine Anyway as calm as you like i turned to her and said all the things i have been rehearsing in my head for the last 12 months. I said it calmly i said it clearly in the process validating myself for the first time.I said i do not accept your distortions about who i am and that is part of her problem. I was able to express that i believed she has   borderline personality, and i dont care if you  accept it or not but i know its true, my therapist knows its true. Every time she attacked me and used the many behaviours that i have learned from you guys here it just further validated what i know. So thank you  

Anyway, i am not angry at her , i feel kind of an indifference,like everytime she has hit another nail into the coffin when she hurt me and this is like the lasat one, its like peace  in the past i have screamed shouted cried grieved now i am calm. I did offer her the opportunity to join me in therapy. Ofcourse she said no... .at which point i told her then ok i respect that and wish you a happy and full life in the future which i mean from my heart. With that i closed the phone.

I feel finally that the last tie has been cut between us and i can set her and myself free. Its like the old saying " IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE SET THEM FREE"  it kind of feels like that If that makes sense?

What i wanted to ask is i truly feel i have forgiven her now but i always felt forgiveness would mean still having a relationship with her either by phone or in person. So what im asking is does that have to be the case to signify true forgiveness? or are there others like me who are just resigned to moving on in peace?

       

[Moonbeam77]

I think moving on in peace is beautiful.  I understand what you mean by "If you love someone set them free".  This is what I am working towards.  I have a loving, warm, peaceful nuclear family of my own and trying to hold on to a relationship with my ?NPD father that pretty much only causes me pain doesn't make much sense.

What will happen when she tries to contact you again?  That is the part I struggle with.  Sometimes I just want to say "Leave me alone!"

[imataloss]

Lucylou, sounds like we find ourselves in very similar places (see my post in thread: rage towards my mother even when she's being good).  I too feel a sense of peace like never before, and it seems my anger and resentment have also diminished. 

I can't answer your questions about forgiveness because I'm not there yet.  A lot will depend on how this plays out and how she responds to the new direction our relationship has to take.  I realize that I shouldn't base my willingness to forgive on the response of a person without "normal" feelings and emotions.

I love your statement to your mom:  "I do not accept your distortions about who I am."  That is priceless and incredibly empowering!  It's the essence of where our painful and struggling journey has taken us, out the other side into lightness, peace, and well being.

This feeling is still new to me and I find myself having to readjust old feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. But at the same time it's exciting and gives a sense of freedom like I haven't known before.

I congratulate you for the progress you've made.  I know it hasn't been easy and has taken lots of time (and therapy sessions!). Keep us posted on how things go.  I'm wishing the best for the 2 of us, as well as everyone else in a relationship with a BPD person.

[lucylou]

I think moving on in peace is beautiful.  I understand what you mean by "If you love someone set them free".  This is what I am working towards.  I have a loving, warm, peaceful nuclear family of my own and trying to hold on to a relationship with my ?NPD father that pretty much only causes me pain doesn't make much sense.

What will happen when she tries to contact you again?  That is the part I struggle with.  Sometimes I just want to say "Leave me alone!"

Many thanks for your kind words   it means a lot. Yes peace is what we all want isnt it?. I struggle with dealing with all the BPDs and NPDs in my life too. I just think like with any relationship you reach a point when you say its over. Theres nothing left, your feelings deaden and you know that its come to the end. You reach a point of acceptance that this is how its going to be. I had to grieve that loss in therapy and Its sad but what can you do? Things have been going on like this for years between my mom and me and I was getting less and less out of any interaction. It effected my children and my relationship my moods and my healing, and i  decided to say enough is enough. It has taken some time to reach this point because I was very enmeshed with her and always hoped if she could SEE it was her then we would get through this. But of course alot of them cant see and maybe never will. This is what keeps us tied in. Its the hope that things will change or improve and we can get the love or nurturing we desperately wanted growing up. But in my case it was nevre going to happen.

Im sure she will probably go over to my ex husbands house again and start stalking me from there and stirring things up between us, they became best of buddies by the way   but thats ok, it doesnt effect me anymore. Those kinds of behaviours just serve as another reason to remember why shes out of my life.

If she turns up on the door step or starts calling i will  simply reiterate what i told her. That its not me its her with the  problem  and so long as she is in denial we cannot have a relationship.

I am very happy that you have a wonderful family, its those things that keep us sane isnt it ? Dealing with your Dads NPD must be draining. Do you hear from him often?  Its hard to let them go, but for me I had to for my own well being and healing.

Sending  you hugs  

 

[lucylou]

Lucylou, sounds like we find ourselves in very similar places (see my post in thread: rage towards my mother even when she's being good).  I too feel a sense of peace like never before, and it seems my anger and resentment have also diminished. 

I can't answer your questions about forgiveness because I'm not there yet.  A lot will depend on how this plays out and how she responds to the new direction our relationship has to take.  I realize that I shouldn't base my willingness to forgive on the response of a person without "normal" feelings and emotions.

I love your statement to your mom:  "I do not accept your distortions about who I am."  That is priceless and incredibly empowering!  It's the essence of where our painful and struggling journey has taken us, out the other side into lightness, peace, and well being.

This feeling is still new to me and I find myself having to readjust old feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. But at the same time it's exciting and gives a sense of freedom like I haven't known before.

I congratulate you for the progress you've made.  I know it hasn't been easy and has taken lots of time (and therapy sessions!). Keep us posted on how things go.  I'm wishing the best for the 2 of us, as well as everyone else in a relationship with a BPD person.

Loved your post! i had read it before and thought it was excellently written!. I wrote mother an email about 3 months back because therapy was going well, i had grieved lots and was feeling stronger. I laid out the ground rules for resuming our relationship like no blaming no shaming etc. Went over to her new house which she loved because bragging is one of her favourite passtimes :P Told her i was really happy for her, which she hated as i think she wanted me to feel jealous. After about a week of this rekindling i started to feel the regret at becoming friendly again. The little nasty remarks would creep in and as you said the constant negative retoric about everyone, totally draining stuff as you know  . I began dreading the phone ringing , and i missed the peace and safely of the days when we were NC. I said to my therapist that i really cant stand her as a person at all which is hard to say about your own Mom. I guess i was still tied to her and still needed something, probably acceptance and that i am loved but that will probably never come. I would define my relationship with her  like the old exboyfriend  from years ago that rides  into town  and you initially feel happy, excited and nostalgic upon seeing them. You remember about the good ol days together  but the reality of the relationship soon kicks back in and you remember why you dumped them in the first place! Thats how i would summerize my feelings about her.


Being able to say the words " its you not me" " you are a borderline" "you used me and threw me away" and many other things were just wonderful and as you said empowering. I have stuck it too her before in arguements but during those fights maybe i was still so unsure whether she did actually have a PD or that maybe i was to blame in someway. I hadnt had any validation from other sources that i was right but now i have a therapist and i have this forum and other books its given me some power back and i know that she definately has a PD. I am still terribly lacking in self confidence and i struggle in lots of areas because of my childhood,but the road to healing has begun as has yours. This turnaround happened quite unexpectedly for me as up until the other week i was also feeling that anger and resentment, but you will get to this point and i can tell from your words that you are making excellent progress dealing with your mother. You can be very proud of that . Its not easy this situation you will get triggered and i will still get triggered but as you get your head around this illness more and more you ll find your own ways of dealing with it.

I dont know if i can use the word forgiven about my mom, but i can use the word acceptance which i guess is one of the end products of grief. I can view her now like i view my ex hubby,  like you were with them at one time in your life but now you have moved on and can just be respectful and polite.   The author Louise Hay talks about forgiveness in her book You can heal your life, and i admire her ability to forgive her mom and take her out to dinner etc but i am not ready for that yet. My life is still difficult. Maybe 5 years down the line when i am healed and strong then it will be possible but for the moment I am just happy to be in acceptance and peace and not anger.   

Anyway thanks for you kind words they mean alot. I look forward to reading more of your posts! and as you said embracing thoughts of peace love and light really help deal with this. 

[CameraGirl]

Hi there Lucylou,

I'm curious, how did she react when you gave her Truth?  I'm at a similar point w/ my mom, feeling as though our last conversation was the last straw my camel could carry.  Wanting to just dump it all back on her- but so afraid of the repercussions, for her, and for my dad (poor man) that has to live with her.

Thank you for sharing, we all heal together.   

[lucylou]

Hi there Lucylou,

I'm curious, how did she react when you gave her Truth?  I'm at a similar point w/ my mom, feeling as though our last conversation was the last straw my camel could carry.  Wanting to just dump it all back on her- but so afraid of the repercussions, for her, and for my dad (poor man) that has to live with her.

Thank you for sharing, we all heal together.   

Hi Cameragirl well  she projected it back on me,(no surprises there  ) . Her reply was that it was me who had the personality disorder and that i got it from my dad  . It didnt come as a shock i knew she would say that.

The ONLY reason i said it was for my own validation really, i guess its always powerful saying things out loud. I knew this was the last time i would be speaking to her for a very long time, if ever again. And more importantly that i could say it without fear of consequences. She cant hurt me anymore or my family as she doesnt see my children and she has left me out of the will so i have nothing to lose. Her power over me has gone and i left her in no doubt about that

I  understand how difficult it is to deal with your mom and would not advise doing what i did unless you are prepared for some serious fall out/ramifications. I can see you are very well aware of that already .My mom is not a self harmer so she wouldnt hurt herself thankfully.

I crossed swords with another borderline last year with dire consequences for me and my family. It almost destroyed my life and i hope to be able to share that with you all at some point but at the moment its still painful.

Do you have much contact with your Mom? Do you have support from anyone else who understands the situation?,

I wish you luck with your Mom and i look forward to reading more of your posts in the future. Sending you hugs and healing

[ursulajane]

I think we may all define and experience forgiveness in different ways.  I believe forgiveness means moving on from hurts people have caused me.  Forgiving the act and not holding a grudge.  Forgiveness sets the forgiver FREE from personal pain associated with the wrong done them. 

Forgiveness for me doesn't mean that I have to have further association with someone.  I can forgive their acts, wish them well but not have to associate with them.  I have forgiven my sister's SO who has done and said VERY hurtful things to her and other member's of my family.  He is not, however, welcome in my home.

May he have a happy life... .and may I continue to not have to be part of it!  Being in a state of peace is a wonderful place to be.  Savor it!  It is soul-filling!