Losing mutual friends?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is nice... .

I contacted a mutual friend. A couple of years ago, she even helped me in dealing with [BPD's] behaviour. She even seemed capable of re-wiring [BPD's] behaviour to some extent.

I know [BPD] sometimes said unfair stuff about me (still don't know what exactly), but she defended me back then.

I tried to do the right thing and I deliberately chose not to tell her about the weird stuff I experienced and never discussed the illness of [BPD] with her. I think she didn't -and still doesn't- know.

However she was a close friend of [BPD] and I think [BPD] eventually convinced her of [BPD's] lies. I didn't lose contact, but I noticed something. She was not as open anymore in our conversations. We didn't talk about [BPD] anymore either.

But, things I told her (new workplace etc.) always seem to reach [BPD] in a magical way. Even if I told her specifically not to tell [BPD].

Still... I consider her to be friend. So back to my first sentence: I contacted her recently (chat). Normally, she would reply in an instant. Now, she didn't.

I wonder if I lost her friendship to [BPD's] lies? I'm not completely sure, but it sucks. I am also quite reluctant to ask her... .   and the BPD situation adds an extra dimension, because contacting her again might reinforce an idea or lie [BPD] planted in her brain.

It sucks

[EdR]

This is nice... .

I contacted a mutual friend. A couple of years ago, she even helped me in dealing with [BPD's] behaviour. She even seemed capable of re-wiring [BPD's] behaviour to some extent.

I know [BPD] sometimes said unfair stuff about me (still don't know what exactly), but she defended me back then.

I tried to do the right thing and I deliberately chose not to tell her about the weird stuff I experienced and never discussed the illness of [BPD] with her. I think she didn't -and still doesn't- know.

However she was a close friend of [BPD] and I think [BPD] eventually convinced her of [BPD's] lies. I didn't lose contact, but I noticed something. She was not as open anymore in our conversations. We didn't talk about [BPD] anymore either.

But, things I told her (new workplace etc.) always seem to reach [BPD] in a magical way. Even if I told her specifically not to tell [BPD].

Still... I consider her to be friend. So back to my first sentence: I contacted her recently (chat). Normally, she would reply in an instant. Now, she didn't.

I wonder if I lost her friendship to [BPD's] lies? I'm not completely sure, but it sucks. I am also quite reluctant to ask her... .   and the BPD situation adds an extra dimension, because contacting her again might reinforce an idea or lie [BPD] planted in her brain.

It sucks

[Baylor218]

I can relate to your situation.  Most of our friends were mutual friends and I hardly said anything to any of them.  My ex with uBPD took the opposite road.  She bashed me to anyone who would listen.  I have former neighbors and many friends who think I left her and my kids for another women.  And she is going to loose the house because I never gave her any money.  None of which is true.  Only my closest friends believed me when I started talking.  For some reason, I felt like I was betraying her if I said negative things about her.  It slowly gets better but I learned its definitely better to talk.

[EdR]

I can relate to your situation.  Most of our friends were mutual friends and I hardly said anything to any of them.  My ex with uBPD took the opposite road.  She bashed me to anyone who would listen.  I have former neighbors and many friends who think I left her and my kids for another women.  And she is going to loose the house because I never gave her any money.  None of which is true.  Only my closest friends believed me when I started talking.  For some reason, I felt like I was betraying her if I said negative things about her.  It slowly gets better but I learned its definitely better to talk.

Bold. Same here! :-(

Thing is... if you read some of the stories that are very similar, the one with BPD would often put you down as 'needy' or would say the other is constantly trying to contact him/her.

I think such a thing could be very well possible in my case too. So, if I'd try and contact this mutual friend again, I could be just providing 'confirmation'.   :'(

[Traumatized]

Mine got all of our mutual friends.  God knows what she told them about me, but I'm sure she poisoned them with tales of how "evil" I am.  None of these people want anything to do with me anymore.  One in particular was her mole and would tell her everything I said about her.  I made the mistake of opening up to this person and telling her how I really felt and some of the horrific things that happened in the relationship.  There's no going back from that one.

[LA4610]

i had a problem with a mutual friend last weekend. while we were together she called him three times and texted him all night. i no longer respond to his texts nor calls. i feel so much better now.

[thisyoungdad]

Reminds me an awful lot of a few mutual friends we had that turned on me. IT was hard, very hard in fact. A recent one being our daughters godmother. Just 2 weeks ago I found out she turned on me, calling me the crazy one, that she had picked sides with my ex, etc (she even knew me first!) and it hurt like I got kicked in the gut literally. I am still really upset but I am realizing that much like me she will eventually also see the light so to speak, and it won't be pretty. That is because my ex keeps friends for only so long. This friend in fact has already gone through the cycle more than once with my ex but hasn't seen it for what it is. In this case I have made the choice to write her off. In other cases I have fought for the friendship depending on the level of betrayal I felt. In some cases they did believe me, in some they didn't and I had to realize that was their choice based upon whatever their own issues are (much like what mine are/were that got me with a pwBPD to start with) and so let them have each other.

[allweareisallweare]

i had a problem with a mutual friend last weekend. while we were together she called him three times and texted him all night. i no longer respond to his texts nor calls. i feel so much better now.

That's terrible that the BPD possesionship can even corrode friends... .I mean, none of the mutuals we had I think I'll ever see again - she never bothered with building friendships with my own pre-her friends, even alienated them by sending them angry messages (so they have seen her first-hand) after a BPD blow-up - it's always sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew, friends included. They're poisoned - but all it takes is one, just one to have the courage to stand up to the BPD, say "I know I'm your friend but you have done this to ... ." but I can't see that humans are fickle and sheeplike, they will think they've got to be unwaveringly loyal despite  and obvious mental disturbance from the BPD ex- SO. We know the truth, psychiatrists know the truth - but the BPD and the inner circle will probably choose to not believe.

[EdR]

Thank you for all your replies! :-)

Talking about it, and hearing your stories as well, helps. :-)  It doesn't take away the pain, but at least gives some perspective.

I feel this will be my second veeeeerrrryy baaaaaad (sounding like a sheep here :-P ) day in a row. Crazy stuff is entering my mind, like 'radical acceptance'. My mind is given its own spin on that though... .

Just hope tomorrow will be a good day 

[seeking balance]

Thank you for all your replies! :-)

Talking about it, and hearing your stories as well, helps. :-)  It doesn't take away the pain, but at least gives some perspective.

I feel this will be my second veeeeerrrryy baaaaaad (sounding like a sheep here :-P ) day in a row. Crazy stuff is entering my mind, like 'radical acceptance'. My mind is given its own spin on that though... .

Just hope tomorrow will be a good day 

I could write a novel on this -and to be honest, some of the friendships that were lost were as sad to me as losing my ex.  I was shocked that people were inviting us both to events. The ex's new person (our friend) was not treated as a home-wrecker.  I was stunned as I went through the messy divorce where people knew my ex has wiped out our accounts that they were "not taking sides".  What I finally "got" was that sometimes people go with easy, my ex to them was easier than me... .I wanted fair, I was hurt... .ex was moving on and still the life of the party.

What I can tell you 3 years later, life does move on.  My new friend group is kind, the people around me don't require the energy the old group did.  A couple months ago an old friend that I guess I hadn't deleted off FB had been in town posted a pic of my ex with my new friend group... .my ex even has a baby now... .and when I saw it, my gut reaction was, "thank God I was not at that party... .all the drama.  At some point,everyone had dated everyone else, no wonder nobody really raised an eyebrow at another cheating moment."   I had  just come home from a pool party where it was easy, fun, boundaries, calm.  I was immediately grateful.

If someone would have told me 3 years ago that I would feel more gratitude than loss now,(a few people I had known 20 years), I wouldn't have believed it.

Focus on healing, putting yourself around people who's actions are aligned with your values - wow what a difference.  Getting through the grief takes time and is hard work - but it has sunlight on the otherside.

Be good to you,

SB