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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: On the horns of a dilemma...  (Read 772 times)
houseofswans
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« on: November 02, 2013, 05:00:30 PM »

My dilemma is this:

I want to take everyone's kind advice about forgetting about my ex and the new Mr X.

About spending some time on myself instead of fretting and worrying about what they may or may not be getting up to.

The thing is this - my activity on this board is almost keeping me involved.

I value beyond words the advice I've had - my friends on this board are seeing things that I either choose to ignore or am unwilling to see for what is fact.

Part of me is saying that if I stop reminding myself about her, by being active on this board, then I might be able to heal more quickly.

And part of me is saying that by being active on this board, it becomes a support network. I read about others that have been in a similar situation and that reinforces my resolve to stick with NC and stay focussed on healing and growing.

What do others think?
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Oracle

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« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2013, 05:06:51 PM »

I too have thought about this and I think maybe I will become a little more obsessed with him, yet the more I read the more I come to understand the relationship I had with him, which in turn makes me feel guilty and sorry for him, and being the kind, loving person that I am makes me wonder if I will ever get over him and move on. Think I would prefer to feel anger?

Oracle
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winston72
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« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2013, 05:13:32 PM »

Hey HoS!  Sometimes it is helpful to take a break from the boards.  It can be a relief to get away from the whole topic.  I have felt the same way at times, and when I do, I take a break!  

One of the transitions for me was beginning to relate to the boards for my benefit and growth rather than trying to understand my ex.  In the relationship, I was primarily focused on her and not myself.  When I came to this site and these boards I continued with the same orientation.  From this posture, being on the boards was a continuation of being overly focused on her or the relationship and not on myself.  

This seems to be a very intense, confounding time in your life.  Please take care of yourself…and take a break from it all as it suits you!
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EdR
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« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2013, 05:16:01 PM »

I thought the exact same thing today (today has been a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad day for me).

It's like I'm nurturing some sort of obsession with her by posting here. I hope I am being too hard on myself here, but I am most certainly not forgetting her by posting.

Still, I think I'll keep hanging around. Because, maybe this site won't let me forget her, but it still seems to give some sort of validation which I truly missed. It's like a mirror. Especially posts, which mention the pain and dynamics of push-pull and the Silent Treatment.

Eventually, I'll leave though. Even before I have completely healed. Because I know this site will keep reminding me of everything. :-(

Btw: I value(d) your posts a lot. They are really helpful. :-)
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fakename
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« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2013, 05:19:38 PM »

i went through the same thing... .

i think the first month or 2 after m breakup i was on here daily and posting a lot... .after some time, while i was taking whatever forward steps i needed to and also learning from these boards, a point came where i kinda had my fill of these boards and took a break... .i left for a couple months and grew a lot in that time and didnt think of her much... .it seems since then i pop in for a week or so every couple months just to revisit myself and figure out what i can do to continue forward steps... .

everyone is different and ultimately you know what is best for you.

i should also add before i ventured out on my own i had read so much that as part of the foundation i set myself was a pretty good knowledge of the disorder, of what i could be in store for in the future and also what i should keep in mind to protect myself... .

so while i left the boards for an undetermined amount of time, i wasn't leaving alone in that i had the knowledge, guidance and accounts of various experiences of dozens of people from these boards... .

so i guess just make sure you dont do that, take a break whenever you want, but don't leave from here alone... .
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winston72
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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2013, 05:23:48 PM »

Hey Oracle…I must say that the anger about some of the most hurtful things in my relationship did not blossom until a year and sometime two years after the painful events.  As time went on and I "faced the facts" more clearly, I was able to let the anger arrive.  I have a problem accepting my own anger, by the way, so this is a big issue in my life anyway.  But, seeing things for how they really were/are is of course a core task, and in doing so I was able to see/feel how hurtful things were…and I started to feel angry.  And that was very helpful in moving ahead.  Of course, it helped because there were legitimate reasons for the anger!  
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houseofswans
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« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2013, 05:43:57 AM »

Thanks for your comments  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The thing is that because of my relative geographical isolation, I have no friends in the area.

I'm long-term unemployed and sometimes feel desperately lonely.

It's been two days since I last spoke to someone other than myself, and even just posting on this forum is keeping me in touch with humanity!

I still have questions - sometimes I need the (obvious) answers writing on a mallet and then taking that mallet and banging it on my head until the realisation finally comes.

I'm in that place where I don't know what I want

Please bear with me... .
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LaSuede
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« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2013, 06:44:02 AM »

It must be tough.

I believe that's one point with this forum - I truly bear with everyone, reading the stories and issues... .Ah, I feel a lot for everyone. You, in particular, lately.

Maybe that can make me bear with me... .

I hope.

Winston72, I agree with you.

Today I use this forum to distract from my ex.

Getting a better helicopter-view, seeing from above, hovering around, going down where it gives me the most. Me. The most.

I am sure I will need to rest from here sometime, for the reasons mentioned from all of you.

Especially I feel a lot of guilt understanding more about BPD, and it's not only helpful looking on how I am and the relationship I had.

Meanwhile it's comforting knowing I can come back to "experts" and people related to what I have gone thru.

Thanks.

For hanging around, all of you.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2013, 06:50:25 AM »

I took over a year off from all forum boards and sites after several months of intense anger and destructive alcohol abuse. Honestly I was even asked to leave this forum because of my anger issues. Although I did read via internet and printed literature A LOT about the BPD syndrome during that year in an endeavor to educate myself and understand my own dissonance and confusion. I also stopped drinking entirely.

It may now sound overly simplistic, but once it occurred to me that the basic feeling that was stirring and sustaining so many of my mixed up and confusing emotions was born of naked humiliation was when I began to work on myself and surrendered the need to figure "her" out or predict any futures, for her or me. I was entirely worn out emotionally and physically in that time. I needed some changes and that was apparent. Therefore I began to live and love one day at a time. I kept things simple. I slowed down the pace and NEED to feel immediate relief. I slowly began to let go of the past so that I could create a new future free of the bondage of this ego wounding... .this humiliation that I knew then. I began to build new personal rhythms and habits. I started each day with Stings song "It's a brand new day" everyday as I made my morning coffee. Little changes became baby steps. Those little steps led to hops, hops lead to strides and strides led to leaps and before too much time had passed I noticed that old spring in my step returning. In essence I was determined not to let this one chapter of my life define the total of me. I actually missed that guy during my darkest days. I felt so... .out of character?

Now that I am self educated and understand the mechanics of the syndrome I no longer personalize the phenomena. I now understand that I experienced something like this, that many others have, that turns out to be a cleverly disguised and rare and wonderful opportunity to become a better man and a more whole person. It actually turns out to be a defining moment for me. My personal "upwising". I realized that the sky is not falling, we are ascending, and my humor began to return.

Now, I really don't think about her much anymore. The ruminations have certainly ceased in intensity. I look at things this way today, it is what it is. I did what I did. That was then. This is now.

Sure and of course it was painful at times. As they say "no gain without pain". And that's the way it goes.  
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Waifed
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« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2013, 07:20:02 AM »

Great post Shadowdancer.  "Surrendered the need to figure her out or to predict any futures". That is a profound statement and it is the ultimate goal of anyone on here that truly wants to move on. Once you have accomplished this and forgiven the pwBPD I think you are well on your way to being healed.

I know I have struggled with wanting to help her, etc., but unless they specifically ask you for help why bother?  "Take care of yourself and move on" should be the focus. Until you 100% accept this attitude you are not ready to let the relationship go.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2013, 07:36:27 AM »

Great post Shadowdancer.  "Surrendered the need to figure her out or to predict any futures". That is a profound statement and it is the ultimate goal of anyone on here that truly wants to move on. Once you have accomplished this and forgiven the pwBPD I think you are well on your way to being healed.

I know I have struggled with wanting to help her, etc., but unless they specifically ask you for help why bother?  "Take care of yourself and move on" should be the focus. Until you 100% accept this attitude you are not ready to let the relationship go.

Nor will we be prepared for a new HEALTHY relationship to emerge. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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fakename
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« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2013, 10:15:53 AM »

hey swans,

i haven't really tried it for any outdoors activities, but i know meetup.com is a great way to meet groups of people with similar hobbies (i used to attend the ny/nj startup meetups... .but they have meetups for everything, and its a great way to meet friends rather than people solely interested in dating...

i understand how you feel with the long-term unemployed... .that can be tough on many levels... .i went through it, and i took a part-time job to help pass time... .it brings me some aggravation, but i def. have a lot of laughs and met some good people to work with there... .

being alone for extended periods of time can be dangerous in my view... .especially when you're dealing with heartache... .

be careful, but enjoy the world - some great foliage out there to view on a run or walk... .get the natural endorphins going
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2013, 10:20:02 AM »

hey swans,

i haven't really tried it for any outdoors activities, but i know meetup.com is a great way to meet groups of people with similar hobbies (i used to attend the ny/nj startup meetups... .but they have meetups for everything, and its a great way to meet friends rather than people solely interested in dating...

i understand how you feel with the long-term unemployed... .that can be tough on many levels... .i went through it, and i took a part-time job to help pass time... .it brings me some aggravation, but i def. have a lot of laughs and met some good people to work with there... .

being alone for extended periods of time can be dangerous in my view... .especially when you're dealing with heartache... .

be careful, but enjoy the world - some great foliage out there to view on a run or walk... .get the natural endorphins going

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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eyvindr
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Relationship status: NC
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« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2013, 12:27:16 PM »

All,

One of the most valuable things about this community is that, regardless of the issue, I find others here willing to listen, always, even if we don't agree. And to be supportive, without being enabling. This thread is a great example of a member sharing something they're feeling, and finding many others who have felt the same thing and come forward to affirm -- to validate -- that thing we were so desperately deprived of once our r-ships moved beyond the idealization phase.

For me, I find these boards to be hugely helpful -- for the information, the support, and the genuine caring for each other. But I can also feel overwhelmed at times -- by the eerie similarities of our stories, by the pain and anguish people have experienced, by the seemingly futile nature of trying to understand BPD itself.

Someone always listens, and someone always notices. A few days ago, following a break in NC with my ex, I was triggered more than I was aware, and suzn sent me a simple and kind PM -- for no other reason than to touch base and see how I was doing. That kind of awareness and compassion isn't something you find on your run-of-the-mill support forum.

So, feel what you feel, and keep posting. We are the "bear with-ers" here.

Hang in there,

e.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
houseofswans
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« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2013, 12:55:13 PM »

Thanks again for your input.

I'm hanging in there, and have attended several meetup groups. It's just that they aren't that often and some miles from where I live. I'm not using that as an excuse, just a fact!

I do go for walks and don't stay in bed longer than necessary. I try and eat well and maintain some semblance of normality.

The good thing is that I don't take sleeping pills any longer, and don't hit the vino as hard as I did.

In the past couple of hours I downloaded the book recommended by Skip (I think) "Feeling Good" by David Burns.

I've read a few chapters and think that it will help... .
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fakename
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« Reply #15 on: November 03, 2013, 02:16:48 PM »

hahaha... .love the vino, but that was why i lost my license... .i was such a mess with my bad habits... i also relied on z-quil for some time to fall asleep... .i'm glad thsoe days are gone... .i've come a long way... .

yeah i dont think thats an excuse. especially if the meetup isn't worth it, commuting can always be a nuisance... .

for me, i think the balance of self improvement and getting out in the world helped... .sometimes i forced myself to get out there, maybe once a week or so i would make a point to... .i slowly saw how it was good for me... .

regardless, deep down you what's best for you. so do whatever you like. i think i'm some sort of an introvert, so i just accommodate to that and mix in the right amounts of other stuff to provide for an interesting me

haha, dont know if this post was helpful at all... .was just trying to be there for ya...

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2013, 02:26:12 PM »

My dilemma is this:

I want to take everyone's kind advice about forgetting about my ex and the new Mr X.

About spending some time on myself instead of fretting and worrying about what they may or may not be getting up to.

The thing is this - my activity on this board is almost keeping me involved.

I value beyond words the advice I've had - my friends on this board are seeing things that I either choose to ignore or am unwilling to see for what is fact.

Part of me is saying that if I stop reminding myself about her, by being active on this board, then I might be able to heal more quickly.

And part of me is saying that by being active on this board, it becomes a support network. I read about others that have been in a similar situation and that reinforces my resolve to stick with NC and stay focussed on healing and growing.

What do others think?

I can relate.  There comes a time as we detach and heal that we really don't want to think about our borderline anymore, don't spend much conscious time there, and this site is just a reminder of something that is welcome history; that's actually a good sign that you've moved on.  It's up to you to decide, but there's also the Personal Inventory board, which is no longer about our borderline but about ourselves; I've gotten a lot of value there.

I can also relate to being socially isolated and lonely, and these magic computter machines can help us connect with humanity.  Facebook is another option, nowhere near the depth of sharing and the support you'll find here, for the most part, but if you choose your friends wisely it can be.
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houseofswans
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« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2013, 03:41:21 PM »

hahaha... .love the vino, but that was why i lost my license... .i was such a mess with my bad habits... i also relied on z-quil for some time to fall asleep... .i'm glad thsoe days are gone... .i've come a long way... .

yeah i dont think thats an excuse. especially if the meetup isn't worth it, commuting can always be a nuisance... .

for me, i think the balance of self improvement and getting out in the world helped... .sometimes i forced myself to get out there, maybe once a week or so i would make a point to... .i slowly saw how it was good for me... .

regardless, deep down you what's best for you. so do whatever you like. i think i'm some sort of an introvert, so i just accommodate to that and mix in the right amounts of other stuff to provide for an interesting me

haha, dont know if this post was helpful at all... .was just trying to be there for ya...

Yes, my friend, your post was useful and helpful.

I appreciate it  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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