What did I miss?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all, 

I realize that children of parents w/BPD do not have the same parenting as those without a PD. But, how do I figure out what I missed? My mother was adverse to routine or schedule, so learned habits accepting lack of routine or schedule as "normal", even though it felt uncomfortable at the time. Because my mother was always 45 minutes late (including picking up children from school or an activity), I am 10 minutes early. Housekeeping had no rhyme or reason without priority. She would want the baseboards done when the family room needed to be picked up and there was a mountain of laundry. It has taken me YEARS, but I now have a housekeeping schedule that I can easily keep up with and cover a missed day or two if need be. She's a mood eater and would often spend over a 100 dollars (and that was 70x dollars) on a basket of groceries and then get home to try to fit them into a stuffed fridge and freezer, where things spoiled on a regular basis. Now, in fact, I assume that the food in the fridge is expired unless I purchase it myself, and will not eat food that is already in her house. It is a wonder that my sister and I didn't die of botulism! I easily budget, and have a half empty fridge and about 6 months of food stored in the pantry. I still have issues managing my "office" space. I have trouble with forms and paper. I have paper that needs response/trash/filing, and I am still working on that.

So, housekeeping, food management, money management, paper management... .I recognize those. Self-esteem issues... .I recognize those. What I can't see is what else I didn't learn. I feel as if I need to go back to being 10 and learn it all again.

Re: personal relationships... .I only recently see that I have been seeking longterm relationships with people who aren't emotionally available. They have their own issues (probably why I was drawn to them) and all of the effort needed to maintain a longterm relationship is way down on their priority list.  Meaning that, although I have had close friendships along the way, I do not currently have any friends. To get interaction, I now establish shallow relationships with people at the archery range, library, art class, etc.

A lot of rambling, but you get my question, what did I miss?

[lexialpha]

Hi all, 

I realize that children of parents w/BPD do not have the same parenting as those without a PD. But, how do I figure out what I missed? My mother was adverse to routine or schedule, so learned habits accepting lack of routine or schedule as "normal", even though it felt uncomfortable at the time. Because my mother was always 45 minutes late (including picking up children from school or an activity), I am 10 minutes early. Housekeeping had no rhyme or reason without priority. She would want the baseboards done when the family room needed to be picked up and there was a mountain of laundry. It has taken me YEARS, but I now have a housekeeping schedule that I can easily keep up with and cover a missed day or two if need be. She's a mood eater and would often spend over a 100 dollars (and that was 70x dollars) on a basket of groceries and then get home to try to fit them into a stuffed fridge and freezer, where things spoiled on a regular basis. Now, in fact, I assume that the food in the fridge is expired unless I purchase it myself, and will not eat food that is already in her house. It is a wonder that my sister and I didn't die of botulism! I easily budget, and have a half empty fridge and about 6 months of food stored in the pantry. I still have issues managing my "office" space. I have trouble with forms and paper. I have paper that needs response/trash/filing, and I am still working on that.

So, housekeeping, food management, money management, paper management... .I recognize those. Self-esteem issues... .I recognize those. What I can't see is what else I didn't learn. I feel as if I need to go back to being 10 and learn it all again.

Re: personal relationships... .I only recently see that I have been seeking longterm relationships with people who aren't emotionally available. They have their own issues (probably why I was drawn to them) and all of the effort needed to maintain a longterm relationship is way down on their priority list.  Meaning that, although I have had close friendships along the way, I do not currently have any friends. To get interaction, I now establish shallow relationships with people at the archery range, library, art class, etc.

A lot of rambling, but you get my question, what did I miss?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi lexialpha,

Many of the things you mentioned can be easily learned. You can work on time management, budgeting and housekeeping. There are some good classes and books out there to get you going in the right direction.

Some things are tougher. You didn't have a good role model for relationships. That's also something that you can work on. You're doing a good thing for yourself by getting out there and meeting people with similar interests. At least then you have some common ground, which makes it easier to connect. Do you tend to recognize when people aren't emotionally available right away, or do you tend to get into relationships with them before you find that out?

How are you with resolving conflict? That's something that someone who grew up with a BPD parent can struggle with. What kinds of interpersonal skills do you want to develop and strengthen?

[Clearmind]

How are you with resolving conflict? That's something that someone who grew up with a BPD parent can struggle with. What kinds of interpersonal skills do you want to develop and strengthen?

Good questions. Its also about working on your worth Lexi - and understanding that you are separate to your mother.

Belief systems are often inherited from our parents. Children of BPD parents tend to be enmeshed with their parents and have learnt not to question the belief sytems instilled in them.

Children are not capable of deciphering what is normal relating and what is not – they learn not to question. In a non-BPD household parents also teach their kids limits and boundaries and encourage kids to feel worthy of being respected.

We were not afforded the luxury of being taught limits and boundaries so we need to forget our parents beliefs, at least the ones that make no sense and develop our own.

Lexi, you are 99% the way there. You understand the ideals instilled in you as a child – keep working towards rebutting the myths.

As far as romantic relationships – yes you are right – we seek those that are toxic, need fixing because we were the little fixit adults as kids. We are in fact repeating patterns learnt.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

[lexialpha]

Geekygirl, thank you for your words of encouragement. I think that I have made major headway with the budget, time management (though I often underestimate how much time a major project will take), and housekeeping. My thanks to FlyLady on youtube! For all of those struggling with the housekeeping thing, she offers a clear path to success.

Fortunately I had the influence of my father, with whom I was very close, until he died in a car accident in '78. I was 17, and things didn't really get bad with uBPD mom until he was traveling so much for business the two years before his death. Yeah, there were BPD traits showing up before then, but it was just bad behavior, not something significantly threatening. And they truly loved one another, so I had good examples. I could air all of the dirty laundry illustrating the changes that happened then, but it is a classic BPD tale.

That being said, I find that even my speech pattern is disorganized! I often start a sentence several times before becoming satisfied with the direction. My mind works faster than my mouth, and I often switch tenses in the middle of a sentence, or just forget what I said or where I was going and can't finish it.

I see this as a manifestation of how I had to jump jump jump from one to the next to satisfy mom. Nothing ever finished and never organized. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. Okay. Great. So I see it, how do I fix it?

In answer to your question about identifying the unavailable before or later... .later, when that person lets me down in a way that a close friend wouldn't or shouldn't. I person who I'd known for two years and with whom we had traded playdates, agreed to help me with a move. It was just me and a three year old. He would  help me in the afternoon, but could I watch his son in the morning. Agreed. Then he arrived saying that he needed to pick up his ex at the train who would watch his son... .and he didn't return. I executed the move poorly because I had expected physical help. I depended on someone else, determining my own success. A close friend whom I had known for four years was to give me a ride to the hospital for planned knee surgery, and called an hour before hand saying that she couldn't. 'Can't remember the reason, but it wasn't an emergency. I took a taxi. Again, I relied on someone else. This scenario plays out repeatedly in my life since '78.

Okay. So perhaps I am too trusting. I equate the longevity of the relationship and the sharing of confidences and being there unconditionally for that other person as a strong friendship. Perhaps relationships these days involve only passive listening and no active doing? When I leave town to care for a relative, there is no follow up. No notes or emails. It is as if the last four years of Tuesday Coffee with a crowd of six didn't really happen. I gave, and only got back when it was convenient for them.  It makes me sad, because what I thought was deep was, upon closer inspection, quite shallow. Making much of my life... .quite shallow.

[lexialpha]

Clearmind,

Thank you to sharing those nuggets of information. I seem to take my therapy in chunks. The last was about a year and a half ago that was for six months. Once I get understanding, I need time to reflect and apply what I have learned in therapy before continuing. Perhaps it is time for another chunk, but I will wait until my mother is gone for that - a couple of months. 

One of my challenges when my father died was that my father and mother had two different value systems. It took me a while to figure it out. I had been living by my father's system which values education, compassion, service to my community, and a general policy of lifelong learning. My mother values none of that, only beauty, power, influence, etc.  I had grown with gold stars in my father's system only to find that system abruptly changed when it was just my uBPD mother running the show.

I was in my late 30s before I fully grasped the value system thing, and it was like a light bulb went off! It didn't take long for me to jump with both feet back into my father's system, and I apply that as a parent today. I can't imagine parenting with confusion over a personal value system.

I have spoken openly, perhaps too openly, with my daughter about issues with grandma as we've encountered them. To think that my sister and I had to prep our children very early in life for a relationship with grandma. Sad really. About how "grandma may say nasty things, but to pretend that your skin is slippery and just let it slide off. It isn't personal toward you." But we all know that it hurt anyway. My sister and I thought long and hard about becoming NC with our mom when our kids were young and soon able to remember. We decided on limited contact, but they have resentment because of what they know she has done to us, in addition to way that they know that she makes them feel. My D is NC with my mother, and I honor that. Mom just sees her as an ungrateful b*tch!

Thanks for reminding me that I am more than a daughter to a uBPD mom, that I am a mother and a sister as well as my separate self. During any mom drama it is hard to focus on my other roles well, but I need to try harder.