Is my husband attracted to 'needy' female friends?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDh has more than a fair share of female friends and colleagues, notably rather emotionally unstable ones who need rescuing for some reason or another.

It's really pissed me off over the years. Particularly when he's covered for them at work when their kids were sick but complained about having to stay at home to look after his own kids even though we've both worked full time.

He seems to actively attract needy women but is frightened by or in awe of strong, centred women.

Conversely, I've noticed that the more in need of 'rescuing' I am, the less interesting he finds me. I've had a difficult year since Christmas -  family issues,  a huge work load, difficult colleagues... and hey... .this is when he chooses to dump me. He actually cited my difficulties as a reason for leaving... .

It's pretty galling... anyone else experienced this?

[toomanytears]

My BPDh has more than a fair share of female friends and colleagues, notably rather emotionally unstable ones who need rescuing for some reason or another.

It's really pissed me off over the years. Particularly when he's covered for them at work when their kids were sick but complained about having to stay at home to look after his own kids even though we've both worked full time.

He seems to actively attract needy women but is frightened by or in awe of strong, centred women.

Conversely, I've noticed that the more in need of 'rescuing' I am, the less interesting he finds me. I've had a difficult year since Christmas -  family issues,  a huge work load, difficult colleagues... and hey... .this is when he chooses to dump me. He actually cited my difficulties as a reason for leaving... .

It's pretty galling... anyone else experienced this?

[aggie04girl]

yes because they like being pseudo heroes.

[musicfan42]

I think male BPDs are attracted to novelty... so they're attracted to new female waifs and then fall out with them, meet new people, do the same thing all over again.

I definitely know what you mean when you say that your BPDh is attracted to needy women but frightened/in awe of strong, centered women. My BPD thought I was a waif initially so he was really attracted to me. Then he figured out hey no, she can deal with her own issues by herself, that's when he became less attracted to me.

I think that male borderlines are looking for any women with any weird qualities basically... anything out of the norm. They don't want anyone normal.

I think they want to be in control without actually having any responsibility-to look like the good guy without doing any of the heavy lifting basically... so yes, agree with aggie04girl here... "pseudo heroes"... good term for it!

[GreenMango]

We get the male vs female BPD traits around here every so often. 

You could query all the members about the ex and gender and behavior.  What does seem to be the constant is the BPD criteria.  The way it manifests is pretty variable depending on the person.

My BPDh has more than a fair share of female friends and colleagues, notably rather emotionally unstable ones who need rescuing for some reason or another.

Needy vulnerable people are less likely to leave.  It also speaks to reinforcing ego and feeling good.

This isn't solely a male or female thing.  It's also not solely a BPD thing.  It's something that also smacks of codependency.  Someone can have BPD and codependency issues too.  Many of the members here find they have codependency problemas also.  Fixing and focusing on others first.

What does seem to be the problem is how that not putting the needs of his kids as priority has effected the family.  He chose others over his family.  That becomes a huge problem if your partner wrestles with insecurities like this and chooses to deal with it by being attentive and caring to others while neglecting his own family.

[toomanytears]

I think male BPDs are attracted to novelty... so they're attracted to new female waifs and then fall out with them, meet new people, do the same thing all over again.


I think they want to be in control without actually having any responsibility-to look like the good guy without doing any of the heavy lifting basically... so yes, agree with aggie04girl here... "pseudo heroes"... good term for it!

This is so spot on (in bold). Thanks for your posts everyone and reminding me about these red flags. It's so easy to slip back into the idealisation mode - especially when I hav'nt seen him for a while.

[connect]

Hi TMT,

Wow can I relate to your post!

My bf (I am still with him) is exactly the same and it drives me nuts. He loves a damsel in distress - loves it. He goes in and saves the day every time. However, when I am that damsel in distress? It's a different story... Like you when I have needed him - I have frequently ended up with silent treatment/accusations of being too needy and clingy and sometimes been dumped.

The irony was that one of the things that attracted me to him was this protective side he has. And he likes to talk about how strong that drive is in him - he will tell me the things he does to re-inforce this. But he cannot see that it doesnt translate over to me. I dont understand how he cannot see this. My bf is now actually the last person I would call on in a crises - however for his neighbours/friends... well he is the first.

I have yet to resolve / untangle this part of my r/s with my bf. It does bother me a lot though. When we met he had been spending time with and had dated various single mums with little money as they werent in the position to work. We met and I believe he saw me as an independant/finacially stable person and he seemed to like that. When I presented MY needy side a few times he hated it. I found it so strange that he has been so drawn to dating damsels in distress (and helping others) and yet I have not seen that side of him directed at me at all?

Looking forward to reading the answers you get here.

[toomanytears]

Hi connect.  This is where is was all so confusing. I simply couldn't understand why someone who set themselves up as a damsel rescuer like he did was so unsympathetic towards me, his own wife, whom he'd wooed with all this knight in shining armour stuff. It didn't make sense. It does now - to me at any rate!

[Discovery]

I've experienced shades of this... .my x's "friends" are mostly FEMALE. And these are SUPERFICIAL r/s... .meet them for coffee once in a while, just listen to them (he's great at this and showing great apparent empathy and interest in others). Show up as the positive, inspirational, with-it, in a good mood friend... . 

= no long-term, CLOSE friends (women or men).

For my x, I believe these r/s are narcissistic "supply" -- a way for him to feel like he's a great guy, get stroked by how much these friends like him... .and of course he can be "generous" with them... .he doesn't live with them, doesn't share daily life with them, doesn't have to face the inevitable ups/downs of intimate connection with them ... .EASY!

I also was struck by the contradiction between seeming to have plenty of energy to be supportive in these kinds of one-off, occasional situations... .(or helping homeless people for example)... .He really likes (and needs) to be PERCEIVED publicly as a generous, selfless, giving person ... .Yet to  show up in our r/s (towards the end, esp. in devaluation) even in a very minimal way, was very TIRING (according to him), taking too much of his time, and he blamed being tired on ME (i'm too this, too that) , when most of his time in fact was spent people-pleasing in all the other parts of his life.

*Sigh* A lot of wake-ups for me in looking back at my experience.

[topknot]

Completely agree with all that has been said here. My ex's past two wives were the strong, silent type. His revolving door of women "friends", who came for dinner, he met for drinks, oh yes ~~and always the party at his house with them I was never included in ~~were the helpless, whiny, pretty but dumb types. Before I figured out the BPD, that was so incredibly hurtful to me. I kept thinking, what can't I provide for him here, and my self-esteem was in the toilet. In one argument about this, he raged at me, "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think they can hold a candle to you?" I was speechless. In my mind, I kept thinking, why do you need them at all? I couldn't be bothered with that nonsense.  But as I have learned, my mind does not function as his does. And thank God for that

[Starlight607]

My ex BPD bf had few friends and the ones he had was an ex mistress who needed him when she had problems in her marriage, an ex girlfriend who left him and married someone else but now she is divorced and the woman he cheated on me with time over but he still contacts her even though she found out about me and told him to go to hell - eventually. She was a single mum from abusive relationships and had no money. He took her on holiday behind my back professing it was because she had nothing and he felt sorry for her. He was telling her though she was his true love but was not ready to commit or needed space. She endured hurt and silences far worse than me. She rented a house and he was always looking for a better house for her but she wanted him to move in too. He just would not commit. But then he was with me! When she found out he tried to win her round by telling her she was the one not me - I was just a friend! He told me she was not relationship material and felt sorry for her. We got engaged; he promised he had had a eurika moment and seen the light. He promised he would tell her the truth as he could not stop contact with her. Of course he never did. When I asked him to respect my wishes and tell her he just got angry and said his friends were nothing to do with me! He was her knight. He made her feel special and paid her car bills, took her on foreign holidays. He hurt her so much in the end but only bec he got caught. The lies to both of us were seriously twisted. But this all relates to my ex BPD bf's need to be seen as mr nice guy, mr saviour. He cannot be seen for what he really was so will do anything to cover his tracks with lies and denial. That is unless it was me. If I needed tlc or a hug after a bad day I was then needy and life is tough get on with it! I could never get my head round it. Just confused me completely. He loves women who need him and see him as so lovely. But to be fair I did and got myself in a right mess which this site is now helping me no end! The more he spurned me when I craved his affection and support the more he made what appeared a deliberate act of ignoring me.