Golden child judging siblings/elderly BPD mother

[BonneSante]

It's been a while since I've been here, but you are the only people that I know will understand.

My elderly BPD, narcissistic mother is in assisted living. There are several siblings in the family. My mother never liked me, was always screaming, made us drink sour milk and eat bad food, emotional abuse, physical abuse, etc. etc. I've worked really hard with therapy to come to an understanding of the family dynamics and how to heal. Still working on that.

The Golden Child in my family -- also a narcissist -- defends my mother at every turn. If the other siblings talk about childhood issues, she says we should be grateful to our mother and that without her, we would have been out on the street.

I've stepped back from a relationship with my mother for my own health and sanity. But now that mother is in assisted living, the Golden Child is judging us on how many times we visit Mother, who buys gifts for her, who has done what for her. I recently found out that GC has convinced Mother to make her the sole beneficiary of her will. (A secret she told another sibling, who then told me.) GC is now keeping track (written records) of what the siblings are doing or not doing for Mother and will dole out any money after Mother passes away based on her opinion of what the sibling has done for mother.

My question for you is: is this nuts or what?

My second question is: I don't want any money from my mother. I don't want anything from her, it all seems tainted and carries such bad energy. But part of me wants GC to understand the pain that I am dealing with from childhood issues. I get a knot in my stomach every time I visit Mother, a lot of anxiety. The last time I went to visit her, Mother told me that when she was pregnant with me, her friends told her to have an abortion, but she wouldn't do it. As if I owe her something. How can I get GC to understand? Or is that expecting blood from a stone?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.   to everyone dealing with difficult family issues.

[lexialpha]

First, BIG hug!  Know that the money thing and withholding is all BPD. Could it be possible that GC is also BPD? Playing one against another, deeming themselves the one in control of the "money, memories, etc." sounds a bit BPD to me, though I am not a professional.

Instead of looking at just the current scenario, I would look deeper at the very heart of things. And I say this only because I have been there myself and am also working through it... .you don't want to go visit or really connect with her in any way because of all of the hurt that she caused you. Got it. I'm there too.

Try writing notes a couple of times a week about newsy things that aren't at all personal, like the weather, the holidays, a play, a film, a recipe you found, whatever. It could bring her joy or leave her without feeling one way or the other. You can't lose. YOU are in control of the interaction. You don't leave yourself open to anything cruel from GC or your mom. It could make both happier (BONuS), but best of all, you could connect in a way that is acceptable to YOU. (I write mine during the wash cycle while at the laundramat.)

Shoot, my uBPD mom values money, power, beauty, all things popular and exciting/interesting achievements. Essentially she is a 12 yr old mean girl. I am built like many of the other women in my father's German family - not thin and average in the beauty department. I have ambition until it interferes with my passions. I like genealogy, stamp collecting and reading historical mysteries (not at all exciting). Getting the picture?

I am NOT at all what my mother values, so... .recently(since her lung cancer diagnosis) I just started making it up. I figured, if she needs theater, then I'll give it to her! I am now "working with a trainer named Sarah - a blonde, 24 yr old, spunky... ." blah blah.  I offered her a pretend person who possesses everything that I am not.  By associating with "Sarah" my value increases, in her eyes. I am also taking "water color painting" classes with 7 other fake people whom I can chat about in my notes, calls and visits - if she asks. Before inventing those two elements of my life, I was troubled by the falseness, and wrestled with the ethics of lying. For me, I came to the conclusion that I was really giving us both a gift. I am offering her a way to value her child more during the last weeks of life - bringing her joy, and I am offering myself a way to bring about joy in a way that I can't otherwise. Yes, I clearly see the sadness of the situation - welcome to BPD, but I see that my goal is to bring about joy for her without hurt for me. This method achieves that goal. I'm not really recommending this a a solution for you, just offering it up as something that I settled with.

Start with newsy notes (nothing at all personal remember) and see where it leads you. It worked for me, and perhaps it will work for you.

Lexialpha

[Olesdatter]

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. I am new here w a dBPD elderly father. I, too, have been wondering how to connect positively with him. He is also showing signs of dementia, and I have that sense that "time is too short" for all of this. His BPD really kicked into high gear when he retired, so I think he is also craving the excitement and (negative) drama he creates. He has always been an intellectual, so it may be a good idea for me to discuss what books he is reading (maybe even just the titles, since he may have trouble remembering), etc.

Interesting ideas, LexiAlpha. I can see that being helpful & bringing more happiness all around.

BonneSante, I also had the thought that GC is pwBPD... .  I can't offer much, but you have my support and encouragement!

[BonneSante]

Thanks so much for your response, Lexialpha! I appreciate it.  

I think it is definitely possible that GC is also BPD. I know she's narcissistic, but never thought about the possibility of BPD as well.

Over the past few years, I've been working with therapists on my relationship with my mother. And I've come to the conclusion that low contact is best. I've removed myself emotionally from her for the most part ... .when she dies, I'll be grieving not so much for her, but for the mother (and mothering) I never had.

When I do go to see her, she never asks about my life or my family. She only talks about herself, and her 'scorecard' -- who has called her lately, who has sent her presents, who has taken her out. It's all about her. And no matter what I do for her, she doesn't recognize it, because I am not the GC. All the applause goes to the GC. And she also has nasty things to say about almost everyone: my siblings, the nurses at the assisted living, everyone. She's really the nastiest person I've ever met. Seriously.

In many ways, I wouldn't care if I never saw her again. Sounds so coldhearted, right? So while I like your idea of sending cards or notes to her, I don't care about making her happy. I also don't care to make GC happy, or to give her something to add to *her* scorecard of who has done what for my mother. I go to visit her purely out of a Catholic sense of obligation.

I love your very creative way of making up stories for your mother -- that's really quite ingenuous!  

[BonneSante]

... .and thank you for your support, Olesdatter. Our posts must have crossed paths. How old is your father?