Break through My Wife is willing to get help.

[Joseph54]

Hi,

My wife has admitted that she has the BPD symptoms to me and wants to get help.

She trust me enough to be honest and vulnerable.

Where do we start.

Joe

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Joseph54,

Your wife sounds like a brave and courageous woman!

Is she seeing a therapist at the moment?  Are you?

Have you heard of DBT therapy?

BPD: Treatments, Cures

[Joseph54]

Yes

We have both are both in therapy but not for BPD.

I have been on the board for 16 months and have a good base knowledge of the illness and how to deal with a BPD in relationship.

I was truthful 12 months ago when she inquired and said to her that I was getting support from BPD family. She asked me about BPD looked at the board and other resources at that time and up until yesterday she denied having symptoms as she was afraid that I would use it to her detriment.

She has recently had a lot of hardship due to her uncontrollable rage and was able to admit to me yesterday that she thought she is BPD and wants help. She admitted she knew she had BPD for the past year but was afraid I would leave her if that was the case.

I am now looking for help to find a good therapist or program for her.

We live just outside of Vancouver BC and I am looking for recommendations.

Joe

[HopefulDad]

Very jealous of you right now.  The first step to any potential recovery is acknowledging the problem and wanting to seek help.  It's a gigantic step, one I wish my BPDw would take.

Congrats on the good news, no matter where it leads from here.

[Joseph54]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I believe in time things do work out.

I had to grow in order to help her.

I hope you are as lucky as me.

I thank the BPD board and God for helping us.

Joe

[lostandunsure]

Yay! Good for you, and her!

My wife, fortunately, also accepted the diagnosis, well, once a psychologist diagnosed her with it officially (she agreed that she probably had it, but wanted to make sure, which I can totally understand).

You should be able to look for DBT programs in your area. Behavioral Tech has a website and a tool so search for DBT programs by state. (www.behavioraltech.com/resources/crd.cfm).

Be aware that it is very common for good DBT programs to have a lengthy wait period. The program that my wife is signed up for has a 6 month waiting list... .

Also, do your research, just because a program is listed as DBT, doesn't mean that they actually follow the full program. They should have two weekly meetings, one that is one on one with a therapist and another in a group setting. They should also include a 24 hour emergency call line for handling extreme emotional dysregulations. Some advertise as DBT programs, but seem to just be intensive therapy where the therapists may have gone to a training session or two. Out of the two in my area, only one really seems to follow the guidelines for the real DBT.

In the mean time, there are a lot of books that you can read, obviously and the lessons here will help you help her. I've found that as I'm getting better at the communication tools, she's also getting better and dysregulating a lot less frequently, there are still a lot of BPD issues, but we're working through them as best we can while we wait for her program to start (hopefully in just a couple more months.)

[Joseph54]

Thanks for the response and tag.

Once I get into choosing a program, I will send the info to you if you do not mind.

I would like your opinion as to which one you would choose.

Which book and lessons do you find most helpful?

Joe

[lostandunsure]

Learning about communication, SET, DEARMAN and avoiding JADE have been extremely helpful, learning to take a step back and separate myself from the emotion of the moment has been difficult, but very important. Boundaries are also very, very important, they me protect myself when things get over the top.

As for books, there are a lot of them. Some don't like "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason, but I did like it and found it very helpful. I would not suggest your significant other reading it as it could be very triggering. There is a workbook that can go along with it, but I haven't read picked that up yet.

My wife is listening to "I Hate You! Don't Leave me!" by Jerold J. Kreisman , Hal Straus via Audible.com. She says it's be difficult to listen to as she sees so many ways it's impacted her life, but it's been good to learn more about why she is the way she is. I'll be listening to it in the next week or so.

After that I'll probably be be reading "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells" also by Randi Kreger

There are a lot more out there and I'll be slowly reading my way through them... .I don't want to get to the point where I start to think, "I've got this!" and let things slide, that's when the trouble will start. I want to make sure I'm keeping up with things, especially while we wait for treatment and she gets started with treatment, as that may trigger some things that we'll need to be ready for.

[HopefulDad]

I'm hoping to learn from you in this thread should my wife reach a similar point where she wants help.  Please keep updating this thread with your story.

[Joseph54]

Hi

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and he advised to have my wife list all the symptons that she believes she has and bring the list to her medical doctor so that he can refer her to a psychiatrist in order to determine her issues and then begin treatment.

My wife has also spoken to her sister and she also had relationship issues which she has sought help for and it has improved her relationship with her husband. My wife finds this very encouraging. They both believe it is something inherited from their mother and grandmother.

My wife has also opened up to her close friends and they are in support of her pursueing treatment.

My wife feels like a large weight has been lifted off her shoulders and is being honest with me about her feelings, fears, and reactions which is making our relationship much easier and more intimate as it does not consist of a series of drama and denials.

It has only been 5 days but we are connecting in a way that we have never connected since we have been together.

So far so good.

Joe

[HopefulDad]

Wow.  Sounds like your wife is all-in on this... .telling family, friends... .that's great!

I was reviewing your first post and didn't pick up on this the first time: You actually revealed to your wife that you were at this board.  I'm weighing the pros and cons of doing this.  But of course the pros and cons differ for every pwBPD.  I'm thinking my wife may be open-minded enough to not dismiss BPD 100% (maybe 99%) which over time would perhaps get her to look more closely at herself and eventually come to the conclusion yours has.

[Joseph54]

Hi

Yes I did mention it to my wife but it was at a time in which I felt she was open to it.

It was more in the context that I need help to deal with the turmoil in our relationship and the board was helping me to cope as well as teach me how to interact with her in order to keep the conflict to a minimum.

I had learned to walk away from her emotional outburst only to resume conversation when she had calmed down and would speak in a respectful manner.

Joe

[Grey Kitty]

Joseph54, this is fantastic news! I hope she gets into a good program soon!

I know that in my wife's case, simply realizing that she was behaving in ways that were abusive toward me was a turning point for her. There was a lot of work after that, but the direction had shifted.

You actually revealed to your wife that you were at this board.  I'm weighing the pros and cons of doing this.  But of course the pros and cons differ for every pwBPD.  I'm thinking my wife may be open-minded enough to not dismiss BPD 100% (maybe 99%) which over time would perhaps get her to look more closely at herself and eventually come to the conclusion yours has.

I don't think this is a good idea--you can't talk openly about your wife the same way if she is listening. The value of this forum is just that--you can bhit and moan a bit when you need to do that. You can describe a problem from your side and ask for help on your side. This forum is designed to be anonymous.

My wife seems completely cured, I'm still here, although not usually dealing with problems I have with her... .and while I have told her that I found an internet forum for support, I haven't told her what it is, and do my best to make sure she never will find it, or figure out who I am here.

[Joseph54]

Hi

My wife learned about BPD through her interest about how my interaction with the board was helping me to cope with our dysfunctional relationship. She is not on the forum, but her initial understanding of BPD came through me showing her articles and videos which I would draw up from the board, in order for her to learn about the disease.

It was the way she first determined she had BPD but was afraid to admit it to me or anyone else.

But she was open to learning about BPD and asked that I tell and show her what I knew. That is how she first learned about BPD a year ago.

Grey Kitty, how did your wife simply realize she was behaving in ways that were abusive towards you?

What was she diagnosed with?

My wife is okay with me being on here. She understands that we all need to talk and vent our feelings.

Joe

[Grey Kitty]

My wife was never diagnosed with anything, although there was a time when she met enough of the criteria for BPD for me to believe it was a fit.

In our case, we were fighting a lot, and it was getting slowly worse... .but we both wanted to improve it... .we were looking for something we could do to actively improve things. She found a workshop targeted at improving verbally/emotionally abusive relationships (or physical abuse that had stopped for a while) She read the material and realized that her role was the abusive one from the description and what we'd been doing.

She did a variety of self-help/self-improvement programs and general hard work over ~9 months. I was starting to enforce boundaries at the same time; Ultimately, she managed to let go of her own internal self-hatred long enough to realize that I wasn't causing the problems, and she didn't have to take it out on me. Overall an amazing turnaround, but not through anything like a specific program that would be reasonably replicated by others here. (For your wife I'd look into DBT programs, or some of the others mentioned here)

[Joseph54]

Hi

You have some very good results which I am striving for with me and my wife.

The admission and recognition of the problem is the step we are on, next will be diagnosis and then treatment.

My wife now realizes that I do love her and she is now able to trust in me and cooperate, rather than fight with me and herself. She no longer needs to show me, she is strong and in control of her emotions. She can let go of that and be honest with herself and with me which is great. Similar to when your wife realized she did not need to hate you anymore because you were not the cause of her problems.

We are going down the same road, you and your wife are just further ahead with your relationship than my wife and I are.

My wife and I both find it is so much better this week as the communication is honest and not filled with denial, anger and attack but rather expressing hurt, vulnerability and openess about her feelings and I am also able to express my feelings to her which she is able to accept and believe, it is really nice. We are working as a team (partners) rather than against each other fighting for survival. That is what marriage is suppose to be, a partnership between two people that love each other. To help each other grow and be compassionate and understanding of each others feelings.

How long ago did your wife first realize she had a problem?

Joe

[waverider]

How is your wife with consistency and commitment in general?

The reason I ask is that it is a long and confronting process, and lack of long term commitment is a BPD trait with many struggle to stay the course even if they are keen to start with.

This is the issue with my partner who now has full ownership, but simply is incapable of sticking to anything. Not just therapy but any plans in general. As a result I have given up on her doing effective therapy, even when at times she has been keen. It never goes anywhere.

Some of the DBT courses here do preadmittance therapy whereby potential clients are assessed as to whether they are ready to commit or not.

You may need to be prepared for a few set backs along the way, so dont push too hard, she needs to lead.

[Joseph54]

Hi

She is pretty good with following through and is very hard working. High functioning individual.

I am aware of likely set backs and she is also. Life is like that, good things usually requires hard work, discipline, patience and persisitence.

So we will see what the futur holds for us.

I do not need to push as it is happening on it's own. She wants to save the relationship and help her daughter. I am willing to help her but not willing to live in this situation any longer.

Joe

[waverider]

Sounds very promising indeed



How does affect you inside, now there seems to be some sort of direction?

[Joseph54]

Hi

There are many emotions at play anger, hopefulness, resolve and peace.

I am thankful and reserved as I realize this only a start into unknown territory.

Our love for each other has grown. The realization of what has taken place in her life is difficult for her at this time but she is strong and I will support and encourage her as best as I am able to.

Joe

[Joseph54]

Update

My wife met with my therapist yesterday.The therapist was also our counsellor for a few months earlier this year.

My wife wanted to talk to him about the intensity of her anger. He is willing to speak to her medical doctor so she can be referred and evaluated by a pyschiatrist.

My wife is quite relieved as she feels there is hope. She realizes how her anger and inability to control her emotions has been the reason for poor choices she has made during her life.

Joe

[HopefulDad]

I so hope to write these same kind of posts someday.  Keep up the good work, both of you.

[Mono No Aware]

Awesome!