Flashbacks

[KHC_33]

This am I was dreaming and it felt so real. I woke up in a surge of panic. It was my mother outside the yard where we lived in the townhouse complex. She was so angry. Telling me to come here! Her body language/energy was fuming and her fact contorted

I realized all my life I had been fed and lived in fear. Ultimate fear.

I realized looking back into my life I have never felt safe. Only with my Grandma, which was not often enough when I was in fear almost every day of my life. I never went to my father's because it felt like he clearly preferred his step kids over me. So with the fear, along came rejection.

Would I live the place of FEAR every day and trade it for REJECTION every day?

It was the more of the two evils and yet I stayed.

I realized also that in this current relationship I have, he is the one that I have felt most safe ... .ever with. The only time I even remotely felt safe is when I am alone. Where I am in control. No one can hurt me. That is why I see him and I realize that it is safe to trust, it is safe to break apart, it is safe to be me without any repercussions.

How do I deal with this? What do I do with it? How do I get over it?

[fromheeltoheal]

I just woke up from a pretty vivid dream.  My borderline ex doesn't make an appearance in my dreams much anymore, but she was front and center in this one.  The two of us and some other faceless people were all partying at her place, and they started trying to get me to stay, when all I wanted to do was leave.  Don't know what to make of it, but it was full color and vivid; Freud would have a field day.

Anyway, short answer, boundaries and relationship building.  I'm doing the same, the goal being I want people in my life that I can be safe relating completely openly with, without judgement or unsolicited advice from them.  For me it's about starting relationships with people with boundaries strong and fully up, and then letting them down slowly if it feels comfortable, and for be they need to reciprocate.  Very few relationships get very far with that, but as long as I have 2 or 3 people in my life that I'm really close to, I'm good.

So maybe that's a goal?  The only way out is through, start small, let it grow.  Take care of you!

[KHC_33]

I think that is a good goal. 2 or 3 people. I used to have some close friends but now I don't even trust me. I found out one was gossiping behind my back which really hurt.

I guess it is all back to baby steps. Little by little.

[fromheeltoheal]

I used to have some close friends but now I don't even trust me. I found out one was gossiping behind my back which really hurt.

So there's an opportunity for growth: have a conversation with that person about how you know they were gossiping and it hurt.  It doesn't really matter if you want an ongoing friendship with that person or not, just do it for the practice; it is risky to have those types of conversations, so take the risk, just because, and also notice what that person's reaction is, you might be surprised.

Interactions with other humans can be messy and we can get our feelings hurt, but that's where all the joy is too; humans are social animals and we're hardwired to connect with one another.  Be strong and go for it!

[KHC_33]

I actually did have a conversation with both of them:

They told me I needed to forgive and forgive myself. Mmmm what for? They were the one's gossiping? I do forgive but when it happened three times already my patience gets worn.

They ramble one how everyone is jealous of them. It's always about THEM. No one understands THEM. A bit of narcissism if you ask me. One lady she has no kids and can't relate to me on that kind of level. She dismisses my feelings for my children as (oh well, doesn't matter).

I tried to give these two women validation, care, loyalty, respect... .

suddenly when they both did that I just said wait a minute? Why am I doing all the work? They both weren't even able to apologize or accept responsibility for their behaviors. Not only that the one was very belligerent both times I came back from London from serious heart appointments. I told her I couldn't talk and I will find a good time when we could.

I don't need those types of people in my life. Yes that is for personal growth ... I would have dragged it on and tried to fit something that just doesn't fit.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't need those types of people in my life. Yes that is for personal growth ... I would have dragged it on and tried to fit something that just doesn't fit.

Good for you!  At least you had the conversations and decided they weren't giving you what you needed.  My experience is I need to try with a lot of people to find the kind of connection and chemistry I want and need; trying to find them is better than tolerating disempowering people.