Things to Always Remember-An Email I'm Glad I Saved

[Pretty Woman]

Yesterday I came home to my grill in the middle of my yard. My ex had unlocked it to get her bike lock and just left it there for the neighbors to take. I am glad I got home early.

I was freshly dumped last Weds right before Halloween. She said she wanted to be friends and I broke down. I accepted, then challenged it and now I have been painted blacker than black. In the past she held onto pictures of me. She destroyed everything this time and mailed me back all my stuff. Last night she blocked me on the Facebook, but that's ok I immediately un-friended her after the dumping because I couldn't bear to see what she was doing anyways.

I have tried to be adult and make small talk with her. She has been so cruel, telling me she paid for everything in our relationship (she didn't) and that I was "self absorbed", a princess. How you can go from wanting to be friends to "leave me alone or I will change my number" is beyond me.

This is a far cry from how she was last Weds saying she couldn't imagine life without me, and that I wasn't losing her, crying and holding me tightly as I just went numb in her arms once again.

I have never been so emotionally damaged in my life. This was my 1st lesbian relationship which is hard enough to get over much less one that includes co-dependency and mental illness.

I was feeling so bad I talked to my ex boyfriend who really validated me.  He couldn't believe how battered I was and that someone would ever do this to me. He told me I should be my "sassy, single self". My gf was the one that missed the boat.

Our last breakup (me and my BPD) consisted of the following emails. I wanted to share these as a reminder to me, that I am not crazy but also to maybe help the other nons out there going through this. This last breakup she left me to run off to her ex in Minnesota. She was gone from my life a month but then went on vacation to rekindle with her ex.  She threatened a restraining order on me so I left her alone. On her drive back from Minnesota she called me incessently. I did not answer for hours and she showed up on my doorstep. No remorse, no "I'm sorry" just please take me back. I miss and love you.

I took her back.

When she left I wrote her the most heartfelt letter I have ever written. Below is my letter along with her response.  I am so glad I never deleted it as it is strangely helping me get through this:

My Letter:

You are worth fighting for.

I have sat here staring at this screen all day. Trying to hold back any words that could possibly bring you pain, any words that would bring you sorrow or anger.

I know I cannot fix what has happened, but the woman you fell in love with is still here. She has always been here, she was just covered by a shroud of protection for fear every dream she ever wanted could come true. This woman let things hold her back from being your champion and supporting "us" and giving you the attention, the affection you so desperately deserve.

I am not perfect and I sure as hell am not the smartest person in the world but I know one thing. No matter how long I have been Gay I could have done better.

We should be together.

My heart tells me this and it tells me there is still a part of you that feels the same. I never would have even called you the other night if I didn't feel it. My heart continues to feel it.

This world is beautiful. You make it even more so.


You are not obligated to respond to this. All I know is you deserve to hear it and I wish I had told this to you every single morning when you woke up next to me. I had the chance.

I will always love you. With every bated breath and beat of my heart. I love you, J.

Her Response:

I am making an active choice for you not to be in my life; being its my life, I can choose who I allow to share and not to share my life with. Your written word is brilliant, it's too bad that your voice pretty much anytime you speak and your actions have not followed. Your issues that blocked me/us and your inconsistency was actually the most consistent part in our past relationship.

None of my boundary or choice to end out relationship and friendship is up for discussion.

Again, I ask you to respect me and my decision and do not contact me any further in person/phone/text/email.

I wish you wellness and peace, Earth Angel.

I clearly hurt responded:

I fully agree with your decision and thank you for your well wishes.  I am sorry our relationship did not progress as you desired.  I was having issues and they are for me to work out.  I am moving forward with Julie and wish you the very best with Liz. This does not have to be ugly anymore.  I am done fighting. 

> Take care and be happy too. That is all I wish for you both.

> Earth Angel

To which my ex responded this:

Earth Angel,

harassment[ huh-ras-muhnt, har-uhs-muhnt ]noun1. the act or an instance of harassing or disturbing, pestering, or troubling repeatedly; persecution.

If you continue to harass me, it will result in: A restraining order is a restraint from contact with a person. It includes ANY kind of contact, whether it be in person, on the phone, through email, text messages, instant messenger, a letter in the mail, etc. No contact means no contact.

I have requested several times no contact and I expect for you to respect this request. I do not want to continue a intimate relationship or friendship with you. I find your repetitive email, texts and phone calls to express your emotions threatening and invasive to my privacy. I am experiencing anxiety when my phone rings / buzzes today because of your repeated attempt to have me understand your emotions and drag me through this break up over and over again. I do not want contact with you, I believe that you are unhealthy to my life and you have not treated me nice or fair. Do not contact me; if you persist I will file a complaint against you.

J


These are the things I need to remember when I start to get sad.  She came back to me after these hurtful emails and I allowed it. I never should have.

[Waifed]

These people are crazy but many of them act exactly the same.  My ex asked me to stop harassing her after I told her I thought she had BPD.  Then she called the police.  I think it has something to do with them wanting to keep controlling the situation.  It is probably best if you don't contact her.  Why would you want to be with someone who threatens to call the police on you.  These people are majorly mentally ill.  Once you step back and clear your head you will totally begin to put the pieces together and realize how dis-functional the relationship was.  You will probably be mad at yourself once you realize what you let her get away with.  Don't blame yourself for any of it but be willing to open yourself up to therapy to figure out why you let someone walk all over you.  Boundaries are a double edge sword.  They are great if they are breaking them with you, but not so great when they are broken with others.  Take things one day at a time, get help, and keep looking forward and concentrating on NC.  Slowly you will begin to find yourself again and recapture friends and hobbies that you lost as she sucked the life out of you.  Also remember that some days will be worse than others for a while.  Don't let that discourage you.   

[peas]

Yep, those are good e-mails to look back on. I kept texts from my ex with the same sentiment: I'll call the cops if you keep trying to contact me. The contact I was seeking from him after the breakup was normal. I just wanted a conversation about why he abruptly dropped me.

PwBPD have no room for ending a r/s on normal terms. Here today, gone tomorrow, and woe be us if we ask questions.

[EdR]

Thank you for sharing that e-mail conversation. It is really powerful.

It think her second reaction is very insightful. At least to me it is. "I find your repetitive email, texts and phone calls to express your emotions threatening and invasive to my privacy. I am experiencing anxiety when my phone rings / buzzes today because of your repeated attempt to have me understand your emotions and drag me through this break up over and over again. I do not want contact with you, I believe that you are unhealthy to my life and you have not treated me nice or fair."

I feel like she's actually telling the truth there. Though it is the truth from her perspective, due to her illness. But at the same time we have this craziness which is expressed as well... .just wow.

It must have been so frustrating and hurtful: you never meant to trigger such a state. And calling the cops etc... .COME ON!  You only wanted closure. :-(

I do believe this reaction is much better than silence though... .as it gives you at least some sort of twisted closure.

But even more hurtful is your last sentence. She really came back to you after these e-mails? I'm seeing this same pattern all over again, and it is obviously due to their BPD. But it still must hurt so much... .

[Pretty Woman]

Well she came back after that email. She raged at me June 1st right before a big event, dumped me and came back July 7th. I forgot to mention she came over and pulled me up the stairs by my hair and spit in my face because I couldn't find her key to give it back.That was our longest separation.  I was definitely a victim and that was my problem. She is like heroin. As hurtful as it is I need to keep reading these emails and surround myself with my non BPD friends to get me healthy again (oh and therapy of course)!