I am once again tolerating unacceptable behavior

[Theo41]

My uBPDw has a hard time dealing with things like insurance companies and computer issues. (example: "I wanted to throw the computer out the window. " And:"I was on the phone with this complete moron at the insurace company for over 20 minutes and all of a sudden I realized that he had hung up,#%^}!"

Today I did her the favor of interfacing with the insurance company for her. I was on the phone for an hour and a half. She kept trying to quarterback the conversation. Worse, she ws very ugly and condescending to me throughout. I took it. Part of me wanted to do the heathy thing which would be to close out the call,give her the # , say" I'm not going to help you when you talk to me like that" and removed myself by walking the dog, etc. But I did not. Things had been good lately and I knew that if I got tough with her she would disregulate badly. Similar things happened twice more during the day so I'm going to bed in a peaceful house but feeling bad about myself because I didn't stop her ( if nothing changes... .nothing changes.)

Anybody got ideas for how I can handle this better next time?  Theo

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Theo, feeling bad about ourselves isn't a comfy way to hit the pillow; hope you got a good nights sleep.  

It's pretty cool that you recognize what's up and want to change this dynamic.  It's easy to see what could have been done in retrospect, not so simple while in the thick of it.

Sometimes we have to step on a few eggshells for our own wellbeing, so that we don't feel bad about ourselves later on; resentment builds from this standpoint.

Things had been good lately and I knew that if I got tough with her she would disregulate badly. Similar things happened twice more during the day so I'm going to bed in a peaceful house but feeling bad about myself because I didn't stop her ( if nothing changes... .nothing changes.)

Anybody got ideas for how I can handle this better next time?  Theo

I'm wondering if it would help to shift this thought around to something more along the lines of 'I feel bad because I didn't stop myself from being berated while doing her a favor.'  :)id she ask you to do this favor for her?

Detach from the negative behaviors.  :)etach with love, for yourself, for her, for the good of the relationship.

As the title of your post suggests, "I am once again tolerating unacceptable behavior".  Own what is your part and don't validate the invalid.

[waverider]

Remember it will take a long time to fully shift things. In the meantime there will be lots of things that we tell ourselves "should have done better". This is a trap to our own sense of self. There will always be times we get it wrong and could do better, no matter how well we do.

The trick is not to berate yourself over it. Do as you are doing, use it as a learning curve, it is not failure. It is the overall general trend that gives us a sense of reward. Over worrying about individual issues will hinder our Acceptance of ourselves.

There are times even now for me that not only do I get it all so very wrong, I know so at the time, and I dont care. This issue is not forever. I accept there will be forward movements and backward movements. Putting the expectation and responsibility to always do right, can in itself be draining and cause resentment. We can also come across "holier than thou" which can backfire.

You will stuff up. It doesn't matter, you are still on the path to be a better you in the long run, and it is the long run we are aiming for

[HopefulDad]

There's always next time.

Just practice such scenarios in your head and how you want to respond.  Imagine the words, the attitude, etc. that she'll use.  Imagine how you will respond with validation of her feelings, but also set firm boundaries on such unacceptable behavior and follow through without getting sucked into a shouting match.  Imagine any later followup should she deregulate.

Then when the time comes, respond and behave like you practiced.  Sure, it's never exactly what you practiced, but try your best.  And learn.  Then practice some more for the next time because... .

... .There's always next time. 

[Theo41]

Thanks Phoebe,Waverider and Hopefuldad. Great reminders: I'm responsible for my own feelings and actions, I'm not perfect... there will be regression as well as improvement. I need to think through this situation... because it will happen again.  Next time,a I need to be ready by preparing how I will respond. I need to validate and hold firm on boundaries without engaging in drama. Some eggshells may break.  Your feedback is really appreciated!

[Oleander]

Next time, don't step in to do things she can do for herself.  You will always end up the meat in the sandwich whenever you do that.  Trust me - I know from experience!  The key is not to be her safety net.  She has to handle her own problems with computers and insurance companies.  Don't make your problem - that's asking for trouble.

[123Phoebe]

The key is not to be her safety net.  She has to handle her own problems with computers and insurance companies.  Don't make your problem - that's asking for trouble.

Hmm, well... .not necessarily in all circumstances, from my experience.  If I'm naturally better at doing something than someone else and I'm not going to get berated, or become resentful for doing it, I don't see any harm.  It's part of being in a relationship-- sharing part in strengths and weaknesses.  It's when those qualities become bulls-eyes for erratic behavior that problems can arise, which I think you're touching on, Oleander?  It's a good point you're making.

Knowing when to step aside and hand the personal power back over to our loved ones, while regaining our own, respectfully.

Getting in touch with our values and being able to act upon them with our boundaries can really help to reduce conflict.

Also being realistic that conflict will arise in any relationship; it's just part of the deal.

[waverider]

The key is not to be her safety net.  She has to handle her own problems with computers and insurance companies.  Don't make your problem - that's asking for trouble.

Hmm, well... .not necessarily in all circumstances, from my experience.  If I'm naturally better at doing something than someone else and I'm not going to get berated, or become resentful for doing it, I don't see any harm.  It's part of being in a relationship-- sharing part in strengths and weaknesses.  It's when those qualities become bulls-eyes for erratic behavior that problems can arise, which I think you're touching on, Oleander?  It's a good point you're making.

Knowing when to step aside and hand the personal power back over to our loved ones, while regaining our own, respectfully.

Getting in touch with our values and being able to act upon them with our boundaries can really help to reduce conflict.

Also being realistic that conflict will arise in any relationship; it's just part of the deal.

Its not all or nothing, but more of a general guideline. You cant fight too many battles, or teach a duck to bark. But there is no need to put floaties on a duck because it can't be bothered learning to swim.

[Theo41]

A few facts I did not mention:

1. She's very hard of hearing as well as not having the emotional stability to deal with these issues ( she seems to make it worse unless she gats the best possible customer rep. Knowlegable with terrific people skills. In any event she hates it and asks me to help because I am a steady Eddie with lots of patience.

2. Later in the day she was exceptionally grateful ( she's beginning to have more self awareness). She didn't apologize but did express sincere thanks.

I'm still not in the best place over it. She has a special phone for the hearing impaired and when necessity requires it she can hear on that phone.

My problem now is that I am not feeling as good about myself because I am supporting the negative behavior by not reacting to it because I want peace and serenity... I have been very firm with her in the past but its always when she has been very terrible and i tuly can't take it any more. Things improve but only for awhile.I feel like I need to communicate boundaries in a calm considerate way and be more consistent about it.http://

[waverider]

Boundaries do need to be worked out in advance, not when an issue arises or in hindsight. ie if something happens you are not happy with, dont make an issue of it this time, but rather work out a boundary and consequence for next time.

It helps you stay centered and create better boundaries. If they need explaining then it wont be in the heat of the moment.

[Theo41]

Thanks Waverider. The reason I have not done this in the past is that I perceive she will disregulate immediately when I say something like: " I want to talk about what happened yesterday. You were in a bad mood and I understand that the holidays put you under a lot of pressure (validation). When that happens , however, you can become agitated, dismissive , condescending and hurtful towards me. I feel bad and embarrased and so do our friends and family members who witness this atrocious, cruel and inappropriate behavior. So I'm going to protect myself from now on. If this happens again, I will not communicate with you and I will remove myself from the situation by leaving the room, house or location, depending on the circumstances."

Essentially peace and calm are so important to me that I don't want to rock the boat until things have degraded into an ugly war. Then I get angry, tell her what I really think and storm out. In the past I have said "I will leave unless you get psychological help, stop drinking and start taking prescribed medication (paxil) . She doesn't . I do leave and rent a hotel room. She has a meltdown , calls me begging and peading " I love you more than life itself. If you don't come back I'm going to have a complete nervous breakdown and I'm having thought of throwing myself out the window. My empathy for my wife kicks in and I go home to comfort her. A friend of mine would say: "She wins, you loose, she dominates."

[waverider]

The trick to advising of your boundaries is not to hark on about what they did last time, you are right that will raise the hackles straight away and denial sets in. Diplomatic wording if you like, talk in future tenses rather than past tenses, and allow your actions/consequences speak louder than your upfront words. Best avoid too much talking about them as this is triggering in itself

You can act in the moment and apply unannounced boundaries, but the most important thing is that you have previously thought them through "if this happens, I will do this", having thought through potential consequences. By having previously thought the scenario through you will respond more rationally, and less reactively before things have gone too far.

[Theo41]

Thanks Waverider. Very helpful advise. We are going to be babysitting granddaughters for 4 days. This is stressful and could cause some problems. Clearly I can't react by leaving and renting a hotel room so I will have to think through how I will handle such a situation. Thanks again for your help. Theo

[waverider]

Be very careful of attempting to apply boundaries when you are "trapped" as you will find it difficult to enforce. Sometimes better to let things by than a failed attempt at enforcement.

[Theo41]

Thanks again Waverider. Good advise is appreciated. Theo

[eeyore]

Sounds like a no win situation at the short term moment.  Sometimes that does happen.  It's part of acceptance of the circumstances.  I hope that you can find a solution for the longer term.