Why did we allow the pwBPD to get away with the things they did?

[Waifed]

I know the simple answer is codependency but it has to be deeper than that.  I have had many relationships in my life, some with "healthy" people and a couple that had minor "unhealthy" issues.  I never would have allowed the ridiculous behavior that I did in this relationship.  The first year of the relationship I was just having fun and wasn't attached at all because I had come out of a marriage of 14 years and was just looking for fun.  I was not hooked and even thought about leaving because I wanted to date others.  Staying eventually turned ugly toxic for me and I became "addicted".   

Is it a weakness at a point and time of your life, is it because a mentally ill person who has learned to manipulate to survive has conned you?  What is it?  I really haven't read anything deeper than I was codependent and BPD's usually hook us into the relationship. 

[bpdspell]

There are varied reason that depend on each unique situation.

Not all toxic dances are created alike.

Some of us have low self-worth, esteem.

Some of us were seduced with idealization and chased the carrot hoping to get it back.

Some of us simply had poor boundaries.

Some of us have a damaging narrative that believes that love comes from sources outside of us.

Some of us think very little of ourselves... .some of us even hate ourselves.

It all depends on what resonates as your truth. For me... .it was all of the above and then some.

I allowed my ex to cheat on me, rage at me, lie to me, because I didn't think I could do any better than him. With his striking good looks (which I overvalued) I thought I had hit the relationship jackpot cause I thought so little of myself and my own accomplishments. I was programmed to think very little of myself from my mom. I never heard "I love you" growing up with my mom. And I didn't receive much emotional validation from her either. So in many ways the script was set and meeting my ex was what "I knew"; creating the bond and the feeling of him "being the one."

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

Lack of self love.

It affects everything.

[houseofswans]

Lack of self love.

It affects everything.

Amen to that!

[Learning_curve74]

I think Spell nailed it.

At some point we have to be brutally honest with ourselves to figure this out. And it's tough because all people want to avoid shame which is what we often feel when we delve deeper into ourselves.

[frustrated b/f]

Some of us were seduced with idealization and chased the carrot hoping to get it back.

That was my reason. It like that high you get the first time you do hit_____. Like a true addict, I spent the rest of the time trying to emulate that first high! Initially all my needs were met, over time my needs slowly and surely began to become unmet.

[Waifed]

I see a lot of myself in all these posts, but I just can not comprehend why it happened this time.  Maybe a combination of my weaknesses and the perception that she accepted me for what I was and filled a void that I have carried my entire life.  I also believe her loose boundaries enabled me to live out some of my fantasies.  It is strange now that I can only remember the crazy things that I put up with.  I don't think about the sex, good times lying in bed watching TV together, the normal times, etc. anymore.  Maybe it is part of the healing, but I rarely think of her as a person that was ever normal.  Looking back it seems like the entire relationship was a facade and I believe much of it was.  Very difficult to grasp.  She was a parasite that fed off my weaknesses and sucked the life out of me for three years.

[houseofswans]

I also believe her loose boundaries enabled me to live out some of my fantasies.

And mine are what make it difficult to move on from... .

[caughtnreleased]

How about ego?

[bruisedbattered]

"Some of us have a damaging narrative that believes that love comes from sources outside of us"

This struck a cord with myself.    How can we expect to be really loved, if we cant love ourselves first?

8 days NC

[houseofswans]

How can we expect to be really loved, if we cant love ourselves first?

I hear that so many times, and it is so true... .

[DownandOut]

I have asked myself this question over and over again. Me, a once assertive person, was reduced to a shell of myself by a woman who claimed to love me, but did everything in her power to show me that I was somehow not worthy of that love. I think it's a combination of lack of self-love and my addictive personality - or maybe those two aren't mutually exclusive. I was addicted to the ideal life I thought I would have with this woman and the truth is if she was healthy our life together would certainly be very close to what I had imagined. I am addicted to romanticizing and idealizing life, along with some other substance abuse issues I've had in the past that I've overcome. I picked up a new habit and it was her, little did I know that it would be just as dangerous as a drug.

[Calm Waters]

Down and out I can relate to this, I am coming to terms wit the same pain, 9 months on the pain is subsiding, hang on in there

[peas]

It's very powerful when someone tells you they love you and want to be with you and it's exactly the right time in your life to hear it.

That's why I put up with my ex and his unacceptable behavior. I was single for two years, no real interest or spark with anybody until he came along and fit the bill physically and emotionally (at first). We had mad crushes on each other and wanted the same things. I found my match and I was done being single. I didn't realize how badly I craved stability and a partner and I didn't think I'd find that when and where I did. Meeting him was not in the plans, but I was struck out of nowhere. That's the part that has me still attached to him after four months NC.

[DownandOut]

It's very powerful when someone tells you they love you and want to be with you and it's exactly the right time in your life to hear it.

That's why I put up with my ex and his unacceptable behavior. I was single for two years, no real interest or spark with anybody until he came along and fit the bill physically and emotionally (at first). We had mad crushes on each other and wanted the same things. I found my match and I was done being single. I didn't realize how badly I craved stability and a partner and I didn't think I'd find that when and where I did. Meeting him was not in the plans, but I was struck out of nowhere. That's the part that has me still attached to him after four months NC.

In bold. Sounds like my story exactly. I'd been through a series of women before I got together with her. It was like everything started falling into place in my life and she was a missing piece of my puzzle. I thought it was destiny, I thought it was love, I thought it was perfect, but it was none of the above.