Living with my 88 y/o BPD Mother

[zeelady]

Hi; this is my first post and I don't even know where to start. Just a brief background: I was always the "good child" and parented my parents (especially my mom) from the time I was about 7 (50 years, so far). She has exhibited signs of BPD all of my life, although I didn't know what it was for many years. While my childhood wasn't a total nightmare, the frequent nightmare moments were always caused by her. My siblings just scattered when things hit the fan, and I would stay to make sure my mother didn't kill herself, or my father didn't kill her. It took me only 12 years to realize that he was not the devil incarnate, but rather was defending himself the best he could against a BPD wife. He died almost 10 years ago, and I promised him I would take care of my mother. My mother took this literally, although she was perfectly healthy physically. She also has severe social anxiety (I think - who knows? So many of her words and actions are meant for manipulation) and lived three hours away from us, didn't really know or socialize with her neighbors or anyone else. She ended up coming to live with my husband and me. At first, things weren't that bad. My husband was transferred to the other side of the country and she chose to come with us, and that was the beginning of me being really abused by her, since she didn't have my father, anymore. Although we bought a house with a bedroom, sitting room, and bathroom for her exclusive use, she hated it there, was lonely, obsessive, manipulating, complaining and blamed us for her unhappiness. Although we explicitly chose a fairly rural area with wide, flat roads and minimal traffic, she refused to drive because of "anxiety." So on top of working full time (in a senior living community!) I also had to get her to doctor appointments, shopping, etc. All while she was complaining to my siblings about how horrible I was. She refused any boundaries we tried to set in our home, all the while accusing us of stealing things from her, lying, etc.

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when my husband got the opportunity to transfer back to our "home." We put our house on (a very crashing) market but she refused to pick up her clutter or leave the house with me during showings.  By this time I had left my job to concentrate on getting the house sold. I was at my wits end so I contacted my siblings to ask for help. Surprisingly, my younger sister back home offered  to have my mother live with her. When we told my mom, she had a complete meltdown and said I was a liar because I had told my dad I would "take care of her." Nevertheless, my husband took his vacation time and we moved her 3000 miles back to my sister's.

When we finally were able to move back home, ourselves, all I heard from her was how awful my sister was, how mean she was to her, etc. FOOLISHLY, I fell for it and made the offer to her to come back and live with us. Luckily, my sister lives 10 minutes away, so we could share taking my mom to appointments and shopping. She rarely would agree to do anything recreational or fun with us, and yet complain bitterly that we left her "alone." We finally convinced her to look into moving to a senior apartment. She was very excited to go once she saw the place, because she could fit all her "stuff" in there (she is also somewhat of a hoarder.) She decided to sign a lease that day. We both told her, in front of the leasing agent that perhaps she should take a few days and think about it but she said her mind was made up and she was moving there. We were hopeful that she would meet other seniors to help fulfill her social needs, but she refused to make friendships even when people approached her. She also refused to take the senior bus places she needed to go because of her "social anxiety". Soon she was spending all day sitting in her chair in the dark, crying, calling us complaining about how lonely she was. We tried to see her as much as possible - of course it wasn't enough. And of course - she blamed my sister and I for "forcing" her into the apartment to "get rid of her." Soon she stopped eating (I believe to manipulate us) got very weak and was actually unable to live on her own. Back she went to my sister's, who fed her back to health. We got her a new doctor who sent her to physical therapy and she became much stronger and didn't even need to use a cane anymore. We also talked her into going to a counselor (she was quite cooperative for a short while) and we would sit in the waiting room waiting for her and listening to her cry and scream about how horrible we were to her. She soon told us she would no longer go because the counselor said "there was nothing wrong with" her. She resists taking antidepressants and will only use a very minimal amount of anti-anxiety meds.

I also have  33 y/o BPD son and a 29 y/o son who is a recovering heroine addict and I've finally been able to set boundaries with them that resulted in them choosing to have little or no contact with me, and I frankly am relieved. Now it is time to deal with my mother,  and it still is not easy.

My sister and her retired husband have decided to move 3000 miles away. I am sick with terror thinking of being the only one here to deal with my mother. She wants to move in with my husband and I, but was insulted by the boundaries we set and immediately started joking/complaining about them. I don't think she's capable of following them. I'm seeing a therapist and working hard on setting boundaries. She's physically very healthy, but I don't know if I have other options besides placing her in assisted living. If I do that, she will carry hate for me to the grave, but my own husband is due to retire in a few years and how will we ever have OUR time, if she's still here with us? (I believe she'll live well into her 90s; maybe beyond). She doesn't have tons of money and would end up on Medicaid, which she is dead set against.

Please help me. I can't function with the stress of this. Is there no win-win solution? Sorry this was so long -

[Sitara]

Welcome zeelady!  I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with your mother.  While I don't live with mine, I can certainly sympathize with the difficulties of having a BPD mom.  You might want to repost this on the https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0 (dealing with family memebers with BPD forums) as I do know there are at least a few dealing with the same sort of things you are going through.  I hope you find these boards helpful, I know I have.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi zeelady,

Welcome!   I can understand why you're apprehensive about your sister's upcoming move and the thought of being your mother's primary caretaker. It sounds like her behavior has been very hurtful over the years. My mother has BPD too, and I know how difficult it can be when your mother is disordered. 

It's very normal to want some time with your husband after his retirement. Is assisted living for your mother an option?

How are you doing with the stress of taking care of your mother, along with what you've been through with your sons? What kind of support do you have for yourself?

This is a great place to find support and tools to take care of yourself. Many of us have parents with BPD and understand what you've been through. Welcome, and I look forward to seeing you around!

-GG

[ursulajane]

Hello Zeelady and welcome!  While many of us are dealing with BPD mothers there are just a few of us so far that I have found who live with or are caregivers/support systems for elderly BPD or uBPD mothers.

Many aspects of your story hit home for me.  My nearly 91 yo mother - in GREAT health lives - with my husband and me.  I also moved her miles from the only home she has ever known.  She was excited to go but within a week or 2 started regretting and blaming me for her miserable lonely existence.  I "dragged her" away!

We have been in the same house for 12 years!  10-11 of which were with her and my father (the family buffer for her antics) in an in-law apartment.  I foolishly convinced my husband to buy their house - it was a good investment but I now realize that I bought it to give my mother peace of mind (like that was ever possible) and stop her from saying she needed to save her money so she could live in an apartment and have care when she was old.  Once she had us there to help out she changed her mantra (although that is too soothing a word for what she was saying) - now she is with me 1400 miles from her home (my dad passed 2 years ago) saving every penny so she will have money for a nursing home.  Won't buy English muffins because they cost more than bread, etc. etc. 

I am JUST beginning to find bits and pieces of my sanity.  It is a day by day journey as I am sure you already know.  I find myself making up and singing lyrics to favorite tunes about how much she bothers me and how she has no power over me just so I don't constantly comment back to her nastiness.  She is VERY hard of hearing so I can get away with this.  She refuses to get a hearing aid because we should just be more tolerant of someone her age and when I tell her it would be more thoughtful if she could hear better I am accused of being a thoughtless daughter without compassion.

So - not to go on about my story - just wanted to say your story resonated with me beyond belief.  Our only difference is I have dogs instead of children.  Frankly I wondered for years why I didn't have children as I always pictured myself a mother.  Now I know the plan was for me to have to parent my mother.  Certainly not the same and certainly not as rewarding by far!

Keep posting!  Maybe there needs to be a board for people dealing with very elderly relatives because I feel the situations are very unique - we are their transportation and links to the high tech world and liaisons for medical care and aware they don't have long left.   That by itself is another topic for discussion - wondering how I will be after the woman I have tried to please my ENTIRE life and whose happiness or lack there of has dominated most of my thoughts - when she is gone how will I deal with the release.  Wondering if I have done enough?  Feeling I can finally start to deal with the PTSD I have from living with her?  It will be a life changing time for certain.  I always feel guilty when I say I am looking forward to it!

Stay positive - you are doing a wonderful thing allowing your mother into your home.  I know how VERY hard it is and we are all here to listen and support you along the path.   Ursulajane