my ex had difficulty maintaining relationships

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences of whether their BPD ex was able to maintain friendships.

In the seven months I was with my partner he only ever introduced me to one of his friends. He then later bemoaned the fact that she never came to visit him (she lived in London and to be fair didn't really make much of an effort)

His other best friend had moved to Canada. He had a couple of friends in the town where he lived, but he never once suggested we met. He also used to be friends with his housemate but made it clear when I was with him that they had nothing to talk about and nothing in common. In fact he barely ever said hello to him.

My friends often described me ex as aloof. In a moment of idolisation he once cooed that he thought I was really confident around other people. Well, I certainly was in comparison with him!

[Vibration]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences of whether their BPD ex was able to maintain friendships.

In the seven months I was with my partner he only ever introduced me to one of his friends. He then later bemoaned the fact that she never came to visit him (she lived in London and to be fair didn't really make much of an effort)

His other best friend had moved to Canada. He had a couple of friends in the town where he lived, but he never once suggested we met. He also used to be friends with his housemate but made it clear when I was with him that they had nothing to talk about and nothing in common. In fact he barely ever said hello to him.

My friends often described me ex as aloof. In a moment of idolisation he once cooed that he thought I was really confident around other people. Well, I certainly was in comparison with him!

[santa]

My exBPDgf wants to stay friends because we have a child together (18 months old) but I'm skeptical. I think it's going to be a lot of problems in the long run. I told her no way.

[Calm Waters]

my BPD ex has few friends who she doesnt seem to like. When we were together she used to run them down as soon as they left, so in my experience they maintain friends sometimes to appear normal, give them some company and entertainment, but mine doesnt seem to relay like anyone even her own daughters brother and sister, I I am sure she now hates me, black and white thinking of course, so sad and lonely for them

[GreenMango]

BPD is a disorder of intimacy typically marked by a pattern of unstable relationships.  Many people with BPD struggle with fears of real or perceived rejection and bouts of fluctuating moods including hostility that put serious strain on relationships.  This goes for friends, family, romantic, and sometimes work collegues.  The severity of the disorder also plays in to how relationships are managed.

Part of the disorder is this pattern is longstanding and pervasive.  It doesn't crop up just with one partner and a bad breakup.  You'll likely see a history of strained relationships.

While BPD traits can mainfest differently in each person (splitting, paranoia, etc) the criteria of the common characteristics are consistent.  Here's a little more on the disorder.  

(clicking on the teal author link below will take you to a more in depth discussion of BPD)

It is a significant challenge to determine if someone in your life has Borderline Personality Disorder or any personality disorder. We often do not have a formal diagnosis to rely upon.  

The American Psychiatric Association cautions us against using the DSM criteria for making amateur "cookbook" diagnoses as they are often inaccurate. For our own sake and for the sake of others,  we want to be responsible and constructive in assessing the mental health of others in our life.  First and foremost, these designations were created to help people and families, not label and blame.

When we encounter high conflict and destructive relationship behaviors in others, our first priority could be to triage our situation. Write down the difficult behaviors that we have observed.

• If any are dangerous (e.g., domestic violence, suicidal ideation, or criminal) or fatal to the relationship (e.g., serial adultery, ruinousness spending), it makes sense to immediately start planning for safety.

• For all the others, we should do everything we can to reduce the conflict in the immediate term. This may not be not easy for us.  It usually involves giving in to the other person and providing them space and listening to/validating them. At the same time, we should force ourselves to step back from the conflict and process the hurt or resentment that we are feeling.  This requires a great deal of maturity.  We have tools for neutralizing the situation (stop the bleeding) and we have tools for taking a step backward (rebalancing ourselves). As difficult as it may be, starting here is usually in the best interest of ourselves and our children.

Once the situation is defused as best it can be, we can then start investigating what is going on so that we can make informed decisions.  When we encounter high conflict people with destructive relationship behaviors it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a large range of things from immaturity,  short term mental illness (e.g. depression), substance induced illness (e.g. alcoholism), a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar), an anxiety disorder (e.g. PTSD), a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD), or even a learning disability (e.g. Aspergers) and "any combination of the above" (i.e., co-morbidity). It will likely take some digging to sort it out.

The behaviors exhibited during a relationship for all of these afflictions can look somewhat alike but the driving forces and the implications can be very different.  For example, was that lying predatory (as in ASPD), ego driven (as in NPD), defensive (as in BPD), a result of being out of control (as in alcoholism), or ineptitude (as in Aspergers).  Was it situational, episodic (bipolar), or has it been chronic. Yes, all lying is bad, but the prognosis for the future is not that same in all situations. For example, depression and bipolar disorder (mood disorders) are very responsive to drug therapy -- substance abuse often requires intervention and inpatient detoxification -- personality disorders require multi-year re-learning therapies (e.g. DBT, Schema) --  Aspergers is often considered a long term disability.  Chronic bad behavior and situational bad behavior are very different.

It is probably best to resist the temptation to immediately latch onto one of the personality disorder symptoms lists as the magic formula. Doing this may make the situation appear more hopeless and more one-sided than it actually is, and it may send us in a wrong or unhealthy direction.  

Getting back to the subject in the title "What is BPD?" -- personality disorders, per se', are lifelong afflictions -- anyone can act "borderline" in a particular situation. To be a PD, symptoms must have been present for an extended period of time, be inflexible and pervasive, and not a result of alcohol or drugs or another psychiatric disorder -- the history of symptoms should be traceable back to adolescence or at least early adulthood -- the symptoms have caused and continue to cause significant distress or negative consequences in different aspects of the person's life. Symptoms are seen in at least two of the following areas: thoughts (ways of looking at the world, thinking about self or others, and interacting), emotions (appropriateness, intensity, and range of emotional functioning), interpersonal functioning (relationships and interpersonal skills), or impulse control.

"Present for an extended period of time" doesn't mean constantly and obviously present.  Many people with this disorder, especially as they get older, learn to adapt and control or isolate the worst of the disordered actions except when stress pushes them past their ability to control and manage.  This is why the disorder is more visible to the family and close friends. "Present for an extended period of time" means that there have been indications of the disorder at different times dating all the way back to the teen years.

It is also worth noting that personality disorders are spectrum disorders - meaning that there is a broad range of severity.  At the lower end, it is not necessarily a personality disorder at all - people can have personality style like a BPD or NPD.  Surely you know someone that is pretty narcissistic, but not mentally ill.  People with BPD can range all the way from "very sensitive with somewhat nonconstructive ways of coping and avoiding hurt" (BPD personailty style) all the way to social dysfunction (e.g., unable to hold a job) and potentially life threatening behavior (e.g. severe BPD).

Whether it is BPD or BPD personalty style, Bipolar Disorder, or simple depression, etc, you are welcomed and encouraged to work with the members here at bpdfamily.

A high conflict, emotionally abusive parent, child, relationship partner or spouse, regardless of the causation, is a challenge and we need to take appropriate steps for our own wellbeing and that of our family.  And hopefully you want to learn how to rise above and manage your interface with the difficult person in a constructive, mature and healthy way.  It's our very next step to a constructive, mature and healthy future for ourselves.

Tall order, I know.  I had a loved one with this disorder, too.  

Skippy

[Jbt857]

Mine maintained a few friendships, but on a very superficial level. More bound by shared experiences and cultural expectations than through emotional bonds.

Your comment on 'aloof' resonated. One of my friends recently told me she nicknamed my ex 'Lord Jim' as he was always so entitled.

(By the way, Vibration, I suspect from reading your posts that we may live in the same part of the world) - welcome! 

[Juno]

There is no way my exBPD could be friends with me. For whatever reasons I brought out the worst in her. She was a very high functioning BPD without me in her life. When we were together she started going down hill fast. Her judgment eroded to the level of a juvenile. I'm not saying that statement as a way to slam her. She literally let her fear of being abandoned ruin her life. That's why I ended it. I could not live with myself if she lost everything. Its like being an alcoholic. Once your off the sauce you can't EVER have another drink. She contacted me last year and started sending letters to my work. I have no desire to reach out to her. It would be a disaster for both of us.

[numbr3]

My xH was estranged from his family, including his son.  Had friends he would fight with off and on but always volatile. Friendships were very shallow and used to show(fool) people what a "nice" guy he was.  Didn't get along with guys at work. Always bullied and threatened to sue people that did work for him (contractors). Has taken out RO against women he has dated since our divorce and threatened me with one also.

Don't need the risk or drama. He hasn't changed.

This is why I am NC.

One thing that is odd is his relationship with my grown kids.  They are his step kids and he still pursues a relationship with them and it is not high conflict.  That means to me that he can control his behavior but most of the time he chooses not to.

[Bananas]

My ex was also described by many as aloof.  That is why I felt special I suppose   

He burned through friends like a fuse on a firecracker.  As soon as they got to close he would cut them out.  He would tell me about all the ex friends he hated and when I asked what they had done it was usually something that seemed trivial to me.

He didn't get along with his family either.  He told me he stopped speaking to his grandmother and sister but couldn't really explain why. 

[Discovery]

My former partner didn't have any long-term friendships, except very distant ones (as in the people live in another country, an occasional email, etc.) ... .It was a  and I felt uncomfortable about it... .but ignored it   Acquaintance-type friends would come/go.

His "best friend" at the time I met him moved to Mexico, and they have had no contact since (5 years). He told me they were "really close." Hmm.

When he separated from his first partner, his sister stopped talking to him... .they never ever spoke about that period, but 3 years later the sister let him back in. Neither of them have ever talked about how/why they didn't speak for 3 years! Avoidant on both sides. Inability to speak about conflict/difficult situations.

He left his first partner abruptly also, and never to date has had any conversation w/ her about the ending of their r/s or acknowledgement of his part in it. I had suggested to him several times that he should write or speak to her and express gratitude for what they did share (they have 3 children together) and own his part in their r/s ending, and acknowledge his hurtful behavior... .that it wasn't good to leave bad energy behind in incompletions of previous r/s. Didn't happen.

Difficulty maintaining CLOSE relationships. A lot of "easy" superficial r/s with work colleagues, people in his meditation group (who don't know him outside of that activity), all arms-length r/s (no intimacy).

[Changingman]

Mine seemed to have many friends at first, then I realised most were just people she worked with and never had a conversation with. Her best friend fell out with her within 1 week of returning from living in India for a long time and they never talked for 2 years. I helped bring them together. Then the one friend I liked genuinely, came around to pick up some stuff she'd left after our horrific break up, and when i asked why she hadnt warned me about her said ... .I don't really know her, we've never had a real conversation! My Ex always said you were such great and close friends, she said she always found that uncomfortable because they weren't. Other people thought my friends of years were her friends. A month before we broke up a 10 year female friend met up with her as i said i'd be there later and my ex acted as if they were the best friends in the world (with overtones of devaluing me). Now she has a old friend of mine who works with her as her *new best friend* (she is now with the boss of the company) and it is already going wrong. Her parents don't like her really, our dogs didn't like her either. This is a relationship disorder and I would be suspicious she didn't have it if she had long standing relationships with... .anyone. Apart from other co dependant insignificant others, or other BPDs. Ex boyfriends who hang around hoping for sex do not count