My ex didnt rage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It is difficult relating to many items that are typical in a BPD Relationship because I was with a WAIF.  She did not rage (except once), she did not speak poorly about exes or others except my ex-wife.  She was VERY private, password protecting everything.  She would not travel with me very often.  She compartmentalized her life completely.  She had a quiet, uncomfortable demeanor.  She did not let most people into her world.  She was shy in public, even dealing with waiters, etc.  She could be kind.  Once we ran out of gas and walked to the nearest gas station.  The owner drove us back to the car in his truck.  The thanked me repeatedly for sitting in the middle between her and the other guy.  She was not materialistic, couldn't cook or clean.  She would do her laundry but never folded it.  She would go out with her friend and I wouldn't usually hear from her until the next day.  She would never leave ANY of her personal belongings at my house.  She would not meet my kids.  She told me repeatedly the multiple reasons why I was going to leave her in the future.  She got disturbed when I suggested that she not work when/if we got married.  In public she was very concerned about appearing appropriate.  She was gorgeous and incredible in bed.  She would say almost from day one that we should never marry but stay together forever.  Over the last two years, she would say repeatedly "This is the last time we are having sex" or "We need to end this relationship".  She would say this one minute and the next minute she would talk about getting a dog together, or say we needed to find a church together.  She was aloof, self absorbed, would zone out, excelled at the silent treatment at random times and never considered my thoughts or feelings.  

How does this compare to other WAIF relationships?  Are many of these common traits for those who dated non-WAIF types?  

It is at times difficult for me because there were not a ton of things with her that I could not handle.  I did get angry when she did not contact me when out with her friend.  She would not interact with my kids.  I got angry that she did not invite me out with her friends.  She would make the comments about ending the relationship and of course the deal killer was catching her cheating.  I don't know if I would have ever left her if she had not cheated.  

[Waifed]

It is difficult relating to many items that are typical in a BPD Relationship because I was with a WAIF.  She did not rage (except once), she did not speak poorly about exes or others except my ex-wife.  She was VERY private, password protecting everything.  She would not travel with me very often.  She compartmentalized her life completely.  She had a quiet, uncomfortable demeanor.  She did not let most people into her world.  She was shy in public, even dealing with waiters, etc.  She could be kind.  Once we ran out of gas and walked to the nearest gas station.  The owner drove us back to the car in his truck.  The thanked me repeatedly for sitting in the middle between her and the other guy.  She was not materialistic, couldn't cook or clean.  She would do her laundry but never folded it.  She would go out with her friend and I wouldn't usually hear from her until the next day.  She would never leave ANY of her personal belongings at my house.  She would not meet my kids.  She told me repeatedly the multiple reasons why I was going to leave her in the future.  She got disturbed when I suggested that she not work when/if we got married.  In public she was very concerned about appearing appropriate.  She was gorgeous and incredible in bed.  She would say almost from day one that we should never marry but stay together forever.  Over the last two years, she would say repeatedly "This is the last time we are having sex" or "We need to end this relationship".  She would say this one minute and the next minute she would talk about getting a dog together, or say we needed to find a church together.  She was aloof, self absorbed, would zone out, excelled at the silent treatment at random times and never considered my thoughts or feelings.  

How does this compare to other WAIF relationships?  Are many of these common traits for those who dated non-WAIF types?  

It is at times difficult for me because there were not a ton of things with her that I could not handle.  I did get angry when she did not contact me when out with her friend.  She would not interact with my kids.  I got angry that she did not invite me out with her friends.  She would make the comments about ending the relationship and of course the deal killer was catching her cheating.  I don't know if I would have ever left her if she had not cheated.  

[BlackOrWhite]

Maybe she never got close enough to rage towards you?

I feel like BPD's rage once you have got close to them and the mask drops. She be able to keep the mask on very tightly.

Cause she sounds like how mine was in beginning but after 6 months the mask dropped. Only really controlled ones I think can hold that distance for that long.

[Waifed]

Maybe she never got close enough to rage towards you?

I feel like BPD's rage once you have got close to them and the mask drops. She be able to keep the mask on very tightly.

Cause she sounds like how mine was in beginning but after 6 months the mask dropped. Only really controlled ones I think can hold that distance for that long.

We were together for 3 years. She raged outwardly one time.  It was after I caught her cheating. She tore off my shirt and was out of control. She cried uncontrollably for hours. That was the only time. I regularly got the silent treatment. She NEVER raised her voice except the one time.

[ShadowDancer]

Mine did not face to face rage either, that would not fly with me and she knew it, she would just sneak around and screw other men. Now that I think about it, is that not an outRAGE in and of itself.

[Noise]

My ex is the silent borderliner so holds everything in... .So passive which made me the one to blame when I exploded.

[EdR]

No raging face to face here either. Only when she was pushed real hard or when she was very, very emotional.

Silent Treatment was and still is the way she copes with things... .and I hate that. Just give me an old-fashioned rage. It would beat this...

Btw... as far as similarities go: the 'not being materialistic' was actually something she expressed with pride.

[strikeforce]

Mine was a 'quiet' one too.

Never shouted or raged until she left for the final time.

[Eric1]

Mine raged all the time. She was physcial when she was drunk. Would rage because I left water on the bathroom floor, or I was breathing too heavy, or I didn't clean the kithchen correctly, bought the wrong wine, couldn't drive, picked the wrong resaurant, spent time with friends... .

And... .i still care about her  

I've had people say they don't know how i put up with her for so long & they didn't know what went on behind closed doors!

[patientandclear]

There is externalized rage (acting out) and then there is internalized rage (departures, silent treatment, acting in). My ex has incredible discipline around the display of emotion. He basically does not. He decided a long time ago that his emotions were not welcome in the world

The suggestions that there was no externalized rage b/c she wasn't close enough to you to trigger that is missing that she was displaying internalized rage/acting in.

I agree that to me, rage would be cleaner & preferable to silent treatment & sudden departures. You can use tools on rage.  Much harder to use them on silent treatment.

[Waifed]

Yeah, she used to go silent on me for the most random things.  Many times her perception of things and mine were totally different.  I was there and saw them.  I don't know where she was.