broke NC... I am over her, but she starts contact all the time

[tomjon78]

Well... .after quite a while I´m back  :'(

I´ve been doing really good the last few months. I have gotten a few text messages from her but never replied. I have been working out, life is back to normal after a lot of work here, by myself, with my T., friends and family.

Recently I´ve been under a lot of stress from work. I also met a girl and am really being careful there... .simply life has been getting better.

One week ago my ex BPD texted me saying she would be selling charity things in the mall I am working in. I got quite nervous about that. I tried not to run into her.

Last friday I got drunk and called her !

I´ve been staying from alcahol and I just don´t understand why I did this. We talked and had a good conversation about how things were doing. But then she started texting me and calling and I replied... .I tried to be friendly and said I was sorry calling her. I was not asking for contact, sex og nothing.

Then she has been texting me all night with angry texts, saying I have been harrassing her and I feel like I´ve moved months back.

I don´t want this... .I´m so dissapointed towards myself. I´ve been feeling very depressed and don´t want to engage with her.

What to do and why I did this I just don´t know.

I feel like I destroyed all the good work I´ve done.

What an Idiot I am  

[peas]

You are totally not an idiot. Yesterday I came very close to breaking four months strict NC. I understand the tension. What I did was look at my ex's Facebook page. I just had to release the stress that has been building for me ruminating about my ex during NC. I just wanted to know something, anything, about his life. I didn't see much, but it was enough to satisfy whatever it was that was getting me all uptight about NC. 

Accept what you did and how it makes you feel. Examine it and let it pass. No need to get more worked up.

[santa]

It kind of seems like you're not over her if you're texting and trying to hook up with her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Last friday I got drunk and called her !

Then she has been texting me all night with angry texts, saying I have been harrassing her and I feel like I´ve moved months back.

I don´t want this... .I´m so dissapointed towards myself. I´ve been feeling very depressed and don´t want to engage with her.

What to do and why I did this I just don´t know.

I feel like I destroyed all the good work I´ve done.

What an Idiot I am  

Detachment and healing are a nonlinear process, 2 steps forward and 1 backwards sometimes.  You can beat yourself up and call yourself an idiot, but set a time limit (15 minutes maybe?), and then use the anger and disappointment to recommit to your detachment and get busy.

Events like that are actually good feedback to see how well you're doing, and I think you'd agree you're not there yet.  What were you doing right before your drunk dial?  What could you have done better?  How has that event helped you?  Are you clear on what you want?

[BlackOrWhite]

What did you say to her?

[BlackOrWhite]

what made you want to do that?

[tomjon78]

Well. I didnt start texting her. I was saying that I felt bad that things didnt work out but said I was over her and not wanting anything more.  Her textin me last few 2 weeks just seemed to upset me and while drunk I mafe this mistake.

Her first reply was being nice but then being hostile.

I am over her but so angry with myself contacting her. I want her out of my life and it was a drunk dial.

[Surnia]

  tomjon!

It was a drunk call. That's not good, its not the worst thing on earth either. We all are doing things sometimes we are regretting afterwards. We are not perfect.

It is sometimes very hard to be not too negative to ourselves in such situations. I am very familiar with it. 

I agree very much with fromheeltoheal how to handle this.

[strikeforce]

Don't feel too bad, a large percentage of us here have broke NC at some point.

The problem is as soon as you text them and break NC they know that they have a bite and the nightmare begins.

[LA4610]

don't beat yourself up bro... .i stay away from alcohol too for that reason... .it makes me do things i regret.

side note... .if this girl throws out the word "harassment" like you say she did. STOP texting, calling, seeing, etc. i made the mistake while i was drunk of continuing to text my ex after she said i was harassing her, which was total BS. She called the cops. They did nothing, but it scared the hell out of me. be careful

[tomjon78]

Thanks all

Felling better and I will maintain NC again. I haven´t texted her at all and just the weird part was me calling her. I have never felt the need to contact her the last months but it seems when she starts to try making contact I feel anxious.

I just am looking at this as a slip up. People do stupid things drunk and I did the one thing I really didn´t want to do. I am over her and don´t want her in my life and looking forward and feeling better.

The last few weeks I have been under a lot of pressure from work and also because of my daughter illness and just went to far in the alcohol.

Now it´s just keeping up the good work. I just hope she will leave me alone.

[Reforming]

I think the important thing is to focus on the progress you've made over the last few months, not on your brief regression.

It's very hard and any contact leaves me feeling really black and sad.

What's helped me to stay pretty much no contact for the last year is the advice that one of the posters quoted from their T who told them that;

There was a strong likelihood that you BPDex will try and recycle. Be prepared and plan for it.

So I've always assumed that at some point it would happen.

I haven't spoken to my ex in a year and a couple of weeks ago I got phone call from her work number.

I didn't answer and she didn't leave a message.

This morning I got a text, the first in a year.

I felt so sad and confused for the rest of today

I haven't responded and I won't but I still think about her a lot at times

What a sorry mess

It sounds like you are doing everything right, Keep up the good work and you will be happy again.

Well done

[Learning_curve74]

Hey tomjon78, people drunk text and drunk call old flames all the time, no big deal. And I'm sure some people even have a hint of regret over things that happened, neither partner having been BPD, that's just life, right?  

And also recognize your feelings are never wrong, they are simply what you are feeling in the moment. I understand that you feel disappointed in yourself that you called her. Understand why you feel that way, realize that it's not a catastrophe, and then do the best things to uphold what you want and value. Remember this is a skill, and like any skill, you won't always be perfect but you will get better at it the more you practice it.

And hey Reforming, how are you doing now? Do you recognize why you are feeling so down? Hope you're feeling better.  

[Reforming]

Hi learning

I think I'm perceptive and self aware enough to know why I felt down.

My emotional response to her text; I haven't disclosed the content, is pretty normal in circumstances

My ex partner has PD. That's sad

The important thing is that I have maintained NC and expecting and planning on it to happen has helped me deal sustain this.

[tomjon78]

I´m starting to worry. She has been texting me that I have been harassing her. She also want´s the number of our former marriage therapist. That therapist was the first one who pointed out she could be BPD at a one on one session.

I haven´t replied. Should I contact the therapist or my ex about this ?

I just can´t believe this is starting again 

[Surnia]

I would not answer. If she is really interested to contact the therapist, she will find the number. I would not contact the therapist either.

Just in case she is serious about you harassing her: Keep her texts. Just in case you have to prouve something.

I really hope she will stop as soon as possible. 

[Surnia]

  Tomjon

how are things going with her? Do you found some peace again?

[tomjon78]

Hi

Well I´ve been better but also worse. She has texted me twice about some casual stuff... .If I still had an album I could give her and If I wanted some clothes I have at her place. I have not replied.

It seems that her contacting me gets me a bit off balance. I´ve been dating a girl but find it hard to read the "signals". It´s like i am affected by my former rs.

I´ve been seeing my T. a lot. We are working on my self esteem and core belief on myself. My self esteem is quite low at the moment.

But I´m trying to do things right. Working out, taking care of my kids, meeting my friends etc. Still I find myself in moments of depression and anxiety in between.

It´s getting closer to christmas and thoughts about the good times in my ex BPD rs. are falling in my head sometimes. I guess it´s normal. But I´m over her, even though I sometimes miss the good times and the good things we had.

Her texting me certainly is not helping, even thought it´s only about casual things. It says it all... .first telling me i´m harassing her and then being all nice and texting me. Pure BPD right?

I won´t take part in that. It´s over from my behalf.

[Surnia]

Sounds like you are having difficult times. 

I think its okay to get a bit off balance when she is calling.

Good you have your work with the T. I think you are doing the right things like you said.

Keep going like this. It will get better.