I NEED HELP PLEASE

[BlackOrWhite]

I can't take this anymore. Again tonight my BPD decided to not want to talk to me again and said everything is my fault and to stay away from her when she was saying she was wanting to come see me and than just flipped.

This is like the 5th times this week and its causing my physcological damage.

I can't deal with this push pull anymore. This horrible cycle of come here/ go away. I'm thinking about killing myseld because I feel like I can not get away from it. She follows me on instagram ( tho i don't think she gets on but idk )

I deleted my facebook so she can't find me on there, but we talk thru email but she won't block me on email (even tho she says stay away) and I want to delete my email address but I can't cause it's hooked too many things. I still check her fb tho through a fake one I added some friends on to talk too and I can't make myself stop.

I want her to just get a restraining order on me because I feel like I can't stop myself from checking up on her or leaving the door open in case she wants to come back. I just want a law between us so its over because I feel like she will just crawl back or i will and i'll go thru this all over again.

And I have a sex addiction problem that if feel if i don't have sex with her i start withdrawaling and while I hope to just sleep with someone else she was the best and im afraid ill never get over sex or her and it makes me want to die.


I'm such a mess and I don't know how to get over this and never look back and never think about it again. I'm so stressed about it that i'm having this horrible panic attacks and dissocative moments where i feel like this isnt real and it freaks me out and makes me feel crazy! Or I get some upset from crying I almost faint.

We live in the same city and Im trying to move out of this city and move to the old city i lived in where i knew more people and was happier.

I have no idea why im so afraid to lose someone who is such a trama bringing monster. I do have a lovely therapist i work with but they can only do so much. And I can only afford to see her every other week.

I know this is something I need to let go off and learn how to cope indepedantly though.

I just am looking for ways to cope and how to never think about this again. This is the worst and Im just trying to hang on and remember I was someone before this.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm thinking about killing myseld because I feel like I can not get away from it.

and it makes me want to die.

horrible panic attacks and dissocative moments where i feel like this isnt real and it freaks me out and makes me feel crazy! Or I get some upset from crying I almost faint.

These are serious statements.  I recommend you call you therapist right away, and if she's not available, someone, anyone.

The end of a relationship with a borderline can be traumatic, and sometimes we can't go it alone.  Please reach out like you are with us here.

[frag1911]

Hey, just remember that no one is more important than your own health.  You have the tools already, you've gotten help.  Keep that up and just hold on to yourself.  Her actions are not your responsibility.  If she is flipping between don't leave me/get away from me, then she is only hurting you as a toy. 

Find someone new to talk to, in a group or connect through your therapist.  You did great to post here!

Be well, and we'll be looking for you!

[Dr.Me2]

It is obvious she is sending confusing messages because she is confused and not stable.

Five yourself some time and let time take care of the rest. Somehow what you need to do will align with what you must do.

She has no power on you unless you give it to her. Don't 

[BlackOrWhite]

Thank you guys. I've just been trying to breathe myself through it.

The pain is so just insane! To be so discared without a care when you felt like you would of done anything for that person.

I'm just praying to god something will help me forget her and the pain and hurt will leave my body and mind and I be peaceful again. Myself again.


Her birthday day is in two days. I'm so glad I don't feel the need to wish her happy birthday. In fact I don't hope her birthday is happy at all.


I don't want her to ever think she knew me.

[Suzn]

How are you doing today BW?

[LivingLearning]

Hey there,

I was trying to thinking the best thing to say to you, was realizing just how much i want to "save you" "say the right thing" "be helpful". Then I noticed what was going on for me. Just noticed.

Those little moments of noticing help me... ."oh yeah, I see I'm doing that". Whether I change or not, they help.

As for you. Sounds really rough and I can so relate. I'm trying to think of something that might could help your suffering... .how about this... .In your darkest of moments, ask "am I okay?" And really wait and listen to yourself deep inside.

I would also say that maybe distraction is a good technique, especially on her birthday. Do a task, a manual one, a tiring one!

And don't forget to post a lot on this board if you want, especially on her birthday. We're here. Especially in the tough times I figure.

[EdR]

Hi BlackorWhite,

For some reason I missed this post.    I have seen your first posts on these boards and you came across like a caring person. You didn't paint your pwBPD black, and had a more neutral stance towards pwBPD in general. I valued that. I valued that greatly.

Though now... your caring has probably also opened the way to huge emotional turmoil. And now it is only hurting yourself.

Try and put yourself first now. Do what you must. Get out, break the cycle. And hang on!