The Challenge

[CameraGirl]

When i was in my mid-twenties, the therapist that i had been seeing for several months, shared a gift with me.  He gave me Stop Walking On Eggshells to read.  OH MY GOD! There's a name for my mothers illness?  Maybe I'm NOT the crazy one!

It's been about 6 years since that gift was given to me, and yet, my relationship with my mom just keeps getting tougher... .   The inspiration for posting, and becoming active on this site occurred a bit over a week ago, when my mom called to talk about Christmas.  A typical call w/ the added weight of the Holidays- lay on the guilt, start the tears, play the martyr kinda call.  The difference for me, was this: I couldn't take it.  For the first time in 33 years, i came back at her.  Guess some people call that setting boundries, but internally, i was just frustrated & hurt & so tired of feeling like the "bad-guy" all the time.  I told her w/ no hesitation what i was hearing from her, and the anger and hurt in my voice was clear.  More tears, more back-peddling, and of course, the martyr manipulation.  Now we haven't spoken in a week.  And i don't really want to see her for Christmas... .I'd love one normal Holiday w/ my fiance... .I'm afraid that if i do see them (my mom & dad) for x-mas, i'm gonna call out the elephant in the room.  See, as i said, it's been about 6 years since we first heard about BPD, and everyone knows about it, except for my mom.  Feel like i just want to pop:  "Mom, you're ill.  Here's what you have.  Please seek treatment."

The therapist i'm currently working with, suggested i explore the wealth of online resources available for folks in my situation.  Here i am, so nice to know i'm not alone. 

[Sitara]

Welcome CameraGirl and no, you're not alone and no, you're not crazy!  I had the same feeling when I finally put a name to my mom's disease and found this site.  Holidays are extra stressful.  I know in my case I was only going out of a feeling of obligation - and usually ended up leaving feeling awful if not in tears.  I hope these forums help you find what you need!

[Hazelrah]

Hello Cameragirl,



I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you have experienced with your mother.  I have seen firsthand how difficult it is for a daughter to deal with a mother likely suffering from BPD, and the story you shared is one I heard many times from my wife (whose mother is surely BPD, with a good dose of narcissism thrown in).  Rest assured that your therapist was right--there are some excellent online support groups, and this one is numero uno!

Setting boundaries with borderlines is important, but when they are first faced with it they may act out, as you have likely experienced.  In addition to boundaries, there are a number of other tools we can use to help defuse conflict with the BPD in our life.  This video: Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD is a good introduction.

I might also invite you to visit [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.  There are plenty of senior members there that can share their experiences and help you learn and practice the tools necessary for dealing with our borderline loved ones.

I do hope you will look around and continue to share more of your story with us.  We are here to help you heal!

[WiseMind]

Hi Cameragirl!   Welcome to the boards. You are definitely not alone and a lot of your story sounds very familiar - I have a mother who is uBPD. The holidays are stressful for me, too, but after a few years of not spending it with my mom and dad it is finally becoming a happy time, with creating some warm and happy memories with my husband and his family.

Definitely check out the resources on this site - they have really helped me.Are you still in therapy? That has been such an eye-opener, too. My T is the one who told me to read the Eggshells book, which eventually led me to join this wonderful community. Keep sharing your struggles and achievements with us, we are here for and with you!

-WM