Uh NO, let me tell YOU something

[Lady31]

I just read a post by someone that got me thinking.  They made mention of lashing out at their ex, then the thought of "I need to keep my side of the street clean" - and quickly sent an apology.

Here is somewhere that I have struggled.  And without the proper balance MY idea of keeping my side of the street clean was a complete injustice to myself.

While I know we shouldn't "lash out" and be vengeful and cruel (if we can help it) - 

here comes a BIG O BUTT:

Being TRUTHFUL, having a backbone, sticking up for yourself & calling a spade a spade IS NOT "dirtying the street", nor is it cruel.

I would find my exh RAGING like a crazy person and spouting all kinds of venom, and when he was over it he would act like all was fine.  If I hinted at any upset, like I was not feeling ok about our relationship after what happened, he would get pissed all over again.  I learned to stuff my feelings and allowed him to get away with so many things.

I also would start to feel "compassion" for him and not want to "hurt" him and would find myself not holding him accountable.

NOW - I think - Lady, don't be a sell out!  As in, don't flake out on YOURSELF.

If I EVER find myself in another situation like that I will call that spade out in METICULOUS, FINITE DETAIL.  And then when the arguing craziness tries to rear it's fat ugly head - I will state in as kind of a tone as this southern girl can muster:

Hey, listen, that might be reality in crazyville - but it isn't here where the normal people live.  You are who you are, I see who you are, and your manipulating crap will not change my mind. 

EXIT.

Ok, I would try not to say it THAT way, but I sure as Hello Kitty won't be taking any crap - anymore!  Backbone intact.

As far as the "compassion" part and not wanting to "upset" them- Well, the TRUTH hurts.  The only thing I am sorry about is the fact that it isn't in my power to CHANGE their truth so it will stop hurting them!

[Lady31]

I am feeling so much more liberated.  Further and further out of the fog.  More and more true to myself.  Less and less afraid.  And feisty as all get out. 

Get back Loretta!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Lady31, I think you are good to be true to yourself. It is important to be the person you want to be instead of a person somebody else wants you to be. 

I will say though, that not everybody wants to act the same as you. Some people do not feel the need to explain in detail how they feel or what they are thinking, which can still be honest when not meant to deceive by lack of information. If a friend of mine is being a rude loudmouth jerk and asks me to go hang out, I can politely decline by saying that I don't feel like it (because that's the truth), but I don't need to go into detail by adding that I don't want to because he's being a rude loudmouth jerk. I'm not saying that this is the right or wrong way, just that it's my way.

Did you ever feel like you were doing all the work as "emotional caretaker" for your ex when you were together? Did you have ways of coping for yourself? I know that I personally was always reactive to my exBPDgf as a caretaker and didn't take care of myself, and we all know how that eventually works out... .

[Lady31]

Hey learning - thanks for your response.

Yeah, I get what you are saying.  I would definitely not tell one of my friends something like that just off the cuff.  We all can act crappy at times.  Grace is good there.  I'm not talking about being hard hearted, rough and without any compassion.

I'm saying - if I have a relationship with someone in the future (family, friend, spouse) and it's a consistent behavior - then no, I'm not going to tolerate it for a second.  And I am not going to make excuses.  And I am not going to let a person make excuses for any time of cruel or abusive behavior.  PERIOD.

YES!  I did feel like the emotional caretaker and stuffed all my feelings down and had no backbone to stand up and set boundaries with my exh.  At first I did, but when I stood up to him he became very aggressive and it scared me.  He was slowly "training" me as to how to respond.  He was very manipulative and cruel/abusive (had a lot of NPD traits as well.)  That is why I am saying what I am saying now.

My first job is to love MYSELF, and NOT worry about showing a person like that MORE compassion than I would show myself.  Which means, I will no longer be a doormat (never really was outside of this relationship so still working on that dynamic).  I will no longer stuff my feelings down and let someone treat me like crap.  I also will no longer engage in circular arguments to defend my reality to them.   

My post could be read as angry - I am not at all.  I feel happy that I am so free from that prison, and I held the key.  I'm more like - woo hoo!  I feel much more confident in my own judgment and ability to stand up for myself.

I guess overall I am thinking that there has to be a balance.  We are good hearted people, and we try to be compassionate and understanding.  But there are times where strong boundaries and clear communication with no fear are in order.  Why don't we make OUR feelings of hurt, betrayal, rejection, humiliation, and pain important?  That's extremely unhealthy in my opinion.  And I'm going to work really hard at eliminating any ounce of guilt for putting myself first & telling it like it is.

[eeyore]

I can relate it's important to take care of ourselves first.  I don't feel angry either but clearly it comes across to others that I have a chip on my shoulder.  So I have to think of better ways to take care of myself and have it come across as a healthy communication.

[RecycledNoMore]

Fist pump!

From one champion feelings stuffer to another! Fist pump and victory dance! 

[Aussie0zborn]

 

My post could be read as angry - I am not at all.  I feel happy that I am so free from that prison, and I held the key.  I'm more like - woo hoo!  I feel much more confident in my own judgment and ability to stand up for myself.

It sounded quite liberating to me. Congratulations on freeing yourself.

[LA4610]

"I'm saying - if I have a relationship with someone in the future (family, friend, spouse) and it's a consistent behavior - then no, I'm not going to tolerate it for a second.  And I am not going to make excuses.  And I am not going to let a person make excuses for any time of cruel or abusive behavior.  PERIOD."

congrats. i have developed this attitude as well. my ex did so many things that bothered me and i never stood up for myself. taking care of ourselves is always the number one priority. it sounds like you nor i did this until now.

[maxen]

Being TRUTHFUL, having a backbone, sticking up for yourself & calling a spade a spade IS NOT "dirtying the street", nor is it cruel.

thank you Lady31, i needed to read that.

[Garpsish]

Rings very true with me Lady

In the end i felt like an emotional punchbag, my spirit was broken and i was a shadow of my former self

in the end i became severly depressed from the constant distrust and accusations

i felt like a puppet on a string my life was non exsistent and everything revolved around trying to please her and keep her happy the second she realised what i was doing to myself and the affects it was having she began to dissasociate and the inevitable break up came along and i had nothing left to give

my side of the street was pristeen and i to had realised that by not standing up for myself made myself look guilty this makes you appear weak also which is a very unnatractive trait its these kind of vicious cycles that go on unnoticed and slowly drive a rift only looking back can you see things clearer

and realise that you to play your own part in it BPD is truely a terrible thing and my heart goes out to anyone who suffers or has suffered because of this illness.

i think a nice thing you could do to aid your healing process and this goes out to all non'BPD out there is maybe do some fund raising for a charity that funds mental health research and get involved in mental health awareness week, i think if the whole world understood alot more about mental health people wouldnt feel like such outcasts and in turn would display much less symptoms, but the world is a very selfish place i dont know if the human race will ever be capable of that level of empathy its easier to point and blame.

[winston72]

"I guess overall I am thinking that there has to be a balance.  We are good hearted people, and we try to be compassionate and understanding.  But there are times where strong boundaries and clear communication with no fear are in order.  Why don't we make OUR feelings of hurt, betrayal, rejection, humiliation, and pain important?  That's extremely unhealthy in my opinion.  And I'm going to work really hard at eliminating any ounce of guilt for putting myself first & telling it like it is."

Lady31, this quote of yours is very helpful.  I have been reviewing many things in my past relationship and seeing how my silence allowed my boundaries to shift and dissolve.  Ultimately the bad behavior and attitude of my ex eroded my self esteem.  Or, better said, my lack of affirmation of my own values led to my self esteem eroding.  My silence in the face of some things was done in the name of not hurting her or being patient as she grew... .but it really was just not healthy behavior for me.

Now as I am recovering my boundaries, I find myself angry about lots of things.  I think the anger is the first step to defining and activating my values and boundaries.  I do see that as I grow more confident in my boundaries, indeed in myself, that the anger is no longer necessary... .it will just be a calm expression of who I am. 

My ex did have a unique way of manipulating my unique weaknesses to create a toxic stew within me.

[Learning_curve74]

My first job is to love MYSELF, and NOT worry about showing a person like that MORE compassion than I would show myself.  Which means, I will no longer be a doormat (never really was outside of this relationship so still working on that dynamic).  I will no longer stuff my feelings down and let someone treat me like crap.  I also will no longer engage in circular arguments to defend my reality to them.

That's awesome, Lady31! Sounds like you're doing pretty good right now? 

I agree it's impossible for a relationship to survive when we care for the other person without caring enough for ourselves, that is definitely a lesson I learned too from my BPD relationship.

I think that pouring so much of ourselves into another person without investing in ourselves just leaves us bankrupt and broke at the end. Not a good feeling. But I learned my lesson!   

[Suzn]

I will no longer stuff my feelings down and let someone treat me like crap.  I also will no longer engage in circular arguments to defend my reality to them.   

Why don't we make OUR feelings of hurt, betrayal, rejection, humiliation, and pain important?  That's extremely unhealthy in my opinion. 

You're right, this is unhealthy. So, why do you think you did this? Where did the need to stuff your feelings come from?

[ShadowDancer]

Or... .if your selling crazy... .we have all the crazy we can handle for today... .sorry.