experiences on 3 things...

[alliance]

I am curious about  others experiences in 3 areas.

1. My ex used to ask me personal questions about past relationships, me, friends at weird moments i.e. totally unrelated to what we were doing or talking about. Something told me to be very careful about what info I gave if any. And you?

2. My ex had what I refer to as selective memory loss and selective memory recall. Aside from the supposed defense mechanisms, could your ex not recall something specific at one time but manage to recall it with great accuracy at another? That fascinated me.

3. My ex had this thing about privacy. She didn't mind people knowing she was involved but she didn't want them to know with whom. That seemed true for the person before me, me, and the person after me.

However, she all public all over the place with the newest one. Cant figure that one out. This ever happen to anyone else?

[UmbrellaBoy]

Yes. At one point, having known each other three years, he suddenly forgot how to spell my name! It was part if devaluation I think. He also often "wouldn't remember" having said something.

As for secrecy, I felt that too. He kept his social life very compartmentalized. He'd be vague about what he was doing and with whom, and I think kept our relationship details pretty vague with his friends and family too.

[Learning_curve74]

My exgf could be very private too. Sometimes she would be very open to some people but not to others. One time I took her out of town for a trip and she told one friend how we enjoyed it and had fun, but the very same day when another friend asked her where she'd been she told him she went on a trip but entirely left out the fact that I took her even though I was standing right there!

She tries to keep things private so people don't realize what a drunken slut she is... .I know these are not nice words but they are true.

[babyducks]

Hi Alliance.


I think I understand what you are talking about with question two.

2. My ex had what I refer to as selective memory loss and selective memory recall. Aside from the supposed defense mechanisms, could your ex not recall something specific at one time but manage to recall it with great accuracy at another? That fascinated me.

I have been reading "Loving Some One with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning PhD.  A lot of my ideas come from her book.   

Manning says that pwBPD deregulate in 5 areas:

• Emotional - extremes



• Behavior - impulsive



• Interpersonal-fear of loss/pushing away



• Self-unclear on values and identity



• Cognitive - attention control and dissociation

My Ex never displayed any impulsive behavior while I was with her.  In fact she was very careful with decisions.   

She did, when under emotional stress, show some startling moments of cognitive dissidence and dissociation.  Typically it popped up in conversations where she remember something differently from what I did or differently from the way she remembered it previously.   That was pretty ordinary.   She could be vague.  At the very worst, in our last split,... she dissociated so badly she appeared amnesic.   In other words Umbrella Boy, mine had trouble remembering who she was.   

Certainly she processed information much differently than I did.   And that really showed her disordered thinking.  It wasn't just a matter of I think the sky looks blue today and she thought it looked gray.  It was a way of processing information so that it 'fit' with her emotional extremes.  For a pwBPD feelings equal facts and the facts often had to be twisted to match the intensity of what was raging inside her.

learning curve - I noticed your post:

She tries to keep things private so people don't realize what she is... .I know these are not nice words but they are true.

And I wanted to suggest this thought.

I believe that pwBPD realize at some level that how they act is not normal.  I believe that is where the overwhelming shame comes from.  I think they do try to 'hide' things because they are afraid and ashamed.  I think they some times ask personal questions to 'check' to see how other people manage relationships and situations because they don't have the coping skills we take for granted.     

It was important in My Recovery, for Me to come to some credible middle ground between the idea that I was a terrible person, or that she was.   Neither extreme serves me as I work to become the person I want to be.

babyducks

[Learning_curve74]

It wasn't just a matter of I think the sky looks blue today and she thought it looked gray.  It was a way of processing information so that it 'fit' with her emotional extremes.  For a pwBPD feelings equal facts and the facts often had to be twisted to match the intensity of what was raging inside her.

Things make a lot more sense when we can understand what babyducks wrote here. BPD behavior is a coping strategy, it's a way for them to survive and cope with their tumultuous feelings. It's unfortunate that it is often dysfunctional in terms of having healthy relationships.

I believe that pwBPD realize at some level that how they act is not normal.  I believe that is where the overwhelming shame comes from.  I think they do try to 'hide' things because they are afraid and ashamed.

It was important in My Recovery, for Me to come to some credible middle ground between the idea that I was a terrible person, or that she was.   Neither extreme serves me as I work to become the person I want to be.

Thanks babyducks. I did not mean to be so blunt and sound so resentful, and there are less judgemental ways to express what I wanted to, but to be honest those words really summed up exactly how I feel and expressed it in the way that would get the exact feeling across. Of course, the totality of a person can't be summed up in a single label like that. I recognize that she was much more than just that (otherwise I would never have loved her), but at the same time I also do not deny that what I called her in my post is also who she is too. Being in denial was part of why I didn't dump her earlier.

My exBPDgf was very aware of her issues and struggled with shame that reinforced her feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. I'm not sure all people with BPD are that self aware though.

[Bananas]

3. My ex had this thing about privacy. She didn't mind people knowing she was involved but she didn't want them to know with whom. That seemed true for the person before me, me, and the person after me.

However, she all public all over the place with the newest one. Cant figure that one out. This ever happen to anyone else?

I can relate to this one.  I was hidden as was the ex before/during me.  The new wife is plastered all over his office like it's a shrine.  A co-worker said something interesting... ."the way he talks and acts now, it's so over the top and exaggerated that it's like he is trying to talk himself into that it is real".

[babyducks]

but to be honest those words really summed up exactly how I feel and expressed it in the way that would get the exact feeling across. Of course, the totality of a person can't be summed up in a single label like that. I recognize that she was much more than just that (otherwise I would never have loved her),

Oh I get it learning curve,... . our partners pushed us right to the limit, to the edge of own our emotions, that's why were are all here expressing ourselves.   For me though,... .to be at the edge of my own emotional limits all the time was very unnatural,  recovering myself meant for me, restoring my own internal balance.

I probably expressed that poorly in my previous post.

Hey Alliance,  how are you doing with her being all public all over the place with her new one?  

ducks

[strikeforce]

Mine actually came out and told me what a slut she had been before she met me. Yup she used that exact word to describe herself, a worthless slut she called herself.

I could tell she was ashamed and tried to cover things.

[fromheeltoheal]

1. My ex used to ask me personal questions about past relationships, me, friends at weird moments i.e. totally unrelated to what we were doing or talking about. Something told me to be very careful about what info I gave if any. And you?

2. My ex had what I refer to as selective memory loss and selective memory recall. Aside from the supposed defense mechanisms, could your ex not recall something specific at one time but manage to recall it with great accuracy at another? That fascinated me.

These both have the same reason: she was constantly sure I was going to leave her, I was ogling every woman anywhere near us, and there was always an uneasy intensity, except for brief moments when she was the center of attention and we were alone.

So the digging for information was her gathering ammo for later, and the time-specific memory recall was whatever seemed appropriate in a given situation to try and get the upper hand.  Must have been totally exhausting for her, I know it was for me, we never got to happy contentment, yet I forged ahead... .

3. My ex had this thing about privacy. She didn't mind people knowing she was involved but she didn't want them to know with whom. That seemed true for the person before me, me, and the person after me.

However, she all public all over the place with the newest one. Cant figure that one out. This ever happen to anyone else?

She was very public when we were in fantasyland at the beginning, giddy even, but after the first recycle everything was hush hush.  I now see she didn't trust me by then, and was building relationships with other men as potentials just in case her self-fulfilling prophesy did come true and I left her.  Her iPhone was her best friend, her face always buried in it with a crappy look on it.

Jeez, I look at these things now and wonder what the hell was I doing?  Lost in it trying to fix it.  I really hope all the growth I've done makes that kind of crap impossible next time.

[alliance]

[Hey Alliance,  how are you doing with her being all public all over the place with her new one?  

ducks

Hey ducks,

I am actually ok with the publicity. I am pleased she is involved and seems happy. This is keeping her occupied and away from me, which is good.

Also with the publicity, I don't have to wonder what she is up to LOL.

It is kind of weird to see her doing things that are the antithesis of the person I knew but whatever works for her is good.

Because we cross paths online, I have just put them on ignore. I figure when the hit hits the fan, I'll know soon enough.

[RecycledNoMore]

Mine couldnt plan anything in advance, had a very bad memory in general, he couldnt remember what happened yesterday or did he just block alot of stuff out?, I though it was because, he started smoking weed at age 8? But he also forgot that his sister and I had been raped? he never remembered the things I enjoyed, music, books etc, in fact I dont think he knew me at all or even wanted to, I was just there to fill a gap, play a role.

[babyducks]

It is kind of weird to see her doing things that are the antithesis of the person I knew but whatever works for her is good.

Isn't it the oddest thing to suddenly see them turn on a dime and go 100 miles an hour in a completely different direction?

I find it disorienting as heck.   It's so hard to know them as people because the people they are change all the time.

[alliance]

It is kind of weird to see her doing things that are the antithesis of the person I knew but whatever works for her is good.

Isn't it the oddest thing to suddenly see them turn on a dime and go 100 miles an hour in a completely different direction?

I find it disorienting as heck.   It's so hard to know them as people because the people they are change all the time.

Disorienting, confusing, baffling, makes one wonder what is/was real and if you are having the same experience as they are.

It is good diagnostic fodder tho. The words people use to describe their experience of someone wBPD seem to be very consistent.

[frag1911]

1. My ex used to ask me personal questions about past relationships, me, friends at weird moments i.e. totally unrelated to what we were doing or talking about. Something told me to be very careful about what info I gave if any. And you?

Being an open person, and having gone through a long terrible divorce, and the custody battle still going on, my uBPDg/f rarely had to ask about my past.  I don't recall any oddly timed questions when she did ask. 

2. My ex had what I refer to as selective memory loss and selective memory recall. Aside from the supposed defense mechanisms, could your ex not recall something specific at one time but manage to recall it with great accuracy at another? That fascinated me.

My stbx also suffers from both of those maladies.  She'd joke about her lousy memory, because of things like our having a conversation that she started, and then she'd initiate exactly the same conversation an hour later.  BUT, she'd remember things that have apparently been eating away at her emotionally for years.  In our last counseling session, just before she gave up and walked out, she was doing her verbal tidal wave thing of throwing random accusations out.  One of those items was about her ex-hubby.  Both the counselor and I were like... .huh?  What we finally got to was that during our honeymoon phase and grumbling to each other about our ex's, if we were out mall shopping, I would look for the "perfect" Little Black Dress for him to see her in and rip his heart out.  Really? 

3. My ex had this thing about privacy. She didn't mind people knowing she was involved but she didn't want them to know with whom. That seemed true for the person before me, me, and the person after me.

Mine has never tried to hide "us", but she has built a "support" system at work by involving her co-workers in our "problems".  She got upset that I stopped going to her store, even to take her a lunch, and could/would not understand/believe/accept how intimidating it is to be around people who she has told "her side" of the story to, and most likely believe her because they don't know me at all.