Is my behavior correct?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've read the article again about leaving a pwBPD.  She's leaving, which is absolutely good.  She announced this when she walked out on our counseling session. 

The good thing is that, and good according to the article, she definitely blames me for the end of our relationship.  I'm wondering if I'm doing the right behavior myself, in that I am only interacting with her when she asks reasonable and rational questions, like about things she is taking.  There was only one time that escalated, because I feel that if I do not challenge her on some things, then she will feel validated to take anything and everything that she possibly can, even items that are mine before we ever met.

Otherwise, I do nothing.  I don't talk to her or respond to her when she tries to engage with me.  Just like this second, she is standing her trying to push me into an "adult conversation" about breaking up.  I'm still typing this post as she is doing this, and she is escalating herself.  Knowing her agenda and watching her right now, I feel that I'm correct in ignoring her completely and not interacting at all.

Your opinions?

[frag1911]

I've read the article again about leaving a pwBPD.  She's leaving, which is absolutely good.  She announced this when she walked out on our counseling session. 

The good thing is that, and good according to the article, she definitely blames me for the end of our relationship.  I'm wondering if I'm doing the right behavior myself, in that I am only interacting with her when she asks reasonable and rational questions, like about things she is taking.  There was only one time that escalated, because I feel that if I do not challenge her on some things, then she will feel validated to take anything and everything that she possibly can, even items that are mine before we ever met.

Otherwise, I do nothing.  I don't talk to her or respond to her when she tries to engage with me.  Just like this second, she is standing her trying to push me into an "adult conversation" about breaking up.  I'm still typing this post as she is doing this, and she is escalating herself.  Knowing her agenda and watching her right now, I feel that I'm correct in ignoring her completely and not interacting at all.

Your opinions?

[havana]

It use to work for me but I usually had to ignore her from the driveway. It never seemed to stop if I was within reach. The main thing is to keep your side of the street clean. You can see the fight coming, do whatever will avoid it.

[Lady31]

Hey Frag,

I think it's definitely going to escalate - but I would probably do exactly what you are if I was in that position and had the strength to do it.

Here's what is happening in my opinion:

- She was in her push/I'm done with you/confident cycle when she picked her little self up and walked out of that counseling session.

- Now she is probably swinging back to pull in general because that's what they often do but even MORE so with your behavior.  You not falling apart, having boundaries, etc. confuses her and doesn't validate/meet her needs with your love/availability.

- Now she is trying to engage you to soothe herself.  To see if there are signs you are still available to her/still on the hook/still love her so she can feel better about herself and feel loved and like she has value (whether or not she is trying a recycle right now.)  She will try all different angles to get this need met - to saying your childish for not being able to have an "adult" conversation about the breakup - to - full blown crazy rage. 

It's still all about her and what she wants/needs.

I think it's just fine that you make her own her actions.  Good that you are focusing on YOUR needs and what you feel like dealing with and not dealing with – let her suck it up. 

[frag1911]

Hey, Lady and Havana, thanks for the replies.  I appreciate it. 

I've done the leave-the-house-while-she's-ranting-thing many times.  She started claiming it was "abusive", but only because I had described her behaviors as emotionally abusive (constant accusations of cheating, lying).  Of course, leaving and not responding to her ranting texts sparked her abandonment fears, but I wasn't knowledgeable about BPD yet.

And I absolutely agree with you, Lady, on your analysis.  She has actually been falling apart for the last couple of weeks, because of the counseling sessions.  Our counselor was already keyed in to her behavior and recommended (in private) one of the books to me at the very beginning, but she didn't want to rush my stbx with a diagnosis too quickly and scare her away.  This was only the 6th session.

What got my BPso really butt hurt was that I insisted on responding to some of the accusations she would spout in sessions.  Of course, the accusations are irrational and attempts to bias the counselor, but my having an opportunity to explain the "rest of the story" about some of them got her to realize that I was taking her walls down one brick at a time.  Describing the facts behind the accusations demonstrated that they are irrational, and she just couldn’t have that, could she?

So this is what put the nail in for her.  There have been so many other times that she has threatened to leave, I’m done with you, I hate you, etc.  She has started packing boxes before, going for the drama.  I stopped participating in the fighting many months ago, and that was bad enough for her to deal with.  No more arousal, no more validation.

Yes, she has tried using all of the buttons she knows, but they just aren’t working now.  While she made the comments about my not being able to have an adult conversation, she went stomping away ranting like a child.  After she went to work a couple of hours ago, she texted me “It’s sad to find out that ur not as important to someone as u thought u were”.  Now why would she think I was going to respond to that if I’m not even talking to her face to face?  I know, I know.  And I’m sure she’s at work, ranting to one or more of her co-workers. 

Ahhh, but the smell of freedom is getting stronger and stronger.

[Lady31]

Yeah - that sounds pretty textbook Frag.  The text she sent shows that she is, in fact, behaving this way looking for a response from you to validate her.

My exh did the same stuff - same type of escalation with the "I'm done with you", "I don't love you anymore", etc. while wanting to discuss how to split everything up for divorce while sleeping in separate rooms MANY times.  (He couldn't just leave as it wasn't as simple as that if he wanted to keep our business we had together and he needed my help with his daughter.)

Anyway - mine did the "I'm done" in counseling as well - but the counseler didn't let him play his games.  He made him "own" his words and I could tell my exh didn't like that AT ALL.  Needless to say he didn't go back after that.  He tried to squirm out of his words and the counselor would say, "It's simple.  No need to argue, are you saying you want a divorce?  If so, then I can stop trying to help you work on staying together and help you guys with the split.  All you need to do is communicate that clearly to your wife so you guys can move forward in that direction if that's what you want."

Then he would squirm and say things like, "Well, I just don't see it getting any better.  I can't single handedly save my marriage.” (As though I wasn’t doing anything!)  Then the counselor would just say, “Ok, are you saying you want to work things out or are you saying you want a divorce?”  He just kept pinning him down not letting him play games and make threats, etc. 

Note: For the first few years I would break down, cry, beg, etc.  At that point I stopped doing that and was like “OK, that’s what you want, that’s what we will do.”  I discussed calmly the logistics of the divorce and didn’t engage in any emotional discussions about the marriage nor did I make any attempt to change his mind.  When things started getting to this point he got much worse.  That is when I had to be blacker than black because he realized that it was going to go forward to divorce unless HE changed.  He couldn’t be the bad guy, so he started spiraling more out of control than ever.  The rages were more intense, much more cruel, and he got physical with me.  Then it was done. 

Watch for this.  The more reality hits her that SHE is not totally in control of going and coming as she pleases and that you are in fact GOING – she could become more unstable.  At that point she will have to paint you all black to cope.

[frag1911]

Absolutely, Lady, we definitely have similar experiences.  Our counselor would put us on a subject, and my stbx would spiral out of control, accusations spilling out as I describe, in a tidal wave.  The very first session we had, she was asked to describe me.  Started out with "brilliant", then through loving and caring.  10 minutes later I was a lying, cheating scum bag. 

[Lady31]

LMBO Frag!  It's funny, but it's not, I know.  Geez - I guess the positive when they paint you blacker than black is they are CONSTISTENT with the way they think of you/treat you... .at least for a while... .until they are not again.

Nuts.