Forgiving your BPD ex

[LivingLearning]

Any thoughts on this?

Mine are so diverse: "tough love means telling her my truth", "forgiveness is recognizing she's doing her best " "no one does anything wrong , they do what they do" "abuse deserves recognition" "abuse deserves recognizing you can't be abused unless you let yourself"

[frag1911]

Too early to tell for me right now.  At the moment, I'm thinking that it won't be forgiveness, but just not caring about her anymore.  Just go numb and let it go.

[fromheeltoheal]

With time and education about the disorder I now see my borderline ex as a sick person, not a bad one, and forgiveness is for us, not them.  I now know she was doing the best she could to deal with the chaos between her ears, it's not her fault, but it is her responsibility, and how she handled it was unacceptable.

[Discovery]

Now that I know what I know about BPD (and have read alot online from people with BPD who are in recovery)... .I know in my heart that my partner NEVER intended to hurt and traumatize me... .that sadly, tragically, he is repeating patterns laid down in his dysfunctional childhood, and that he does not have AWARENESS of what he is doing because of the unconscious defenses and protection mechanisms that make up his psyche. Mostly I feel VERY SAD to see this. SAD for him, sad for me, sad for his children (who I'm sure will be affected by this down the line), sad that life isn't the beautiful, unblemished thing I once believed it was, with my naive belief that love could heal all... .

Forgiveness... .for him, for his unconscious and tragic behaviors, for his raging abandoning father and how that injured him so deeply, for myself and my unconscious needs that got me involved in this dance, for the impact on MY children as I go through trauma and depression in my recovery... .I forgive all of us. Truly we all were doing all we knew how at the time. I still believe that each of us is born beautiful, whole and good. And that sadly, too many of us are not received in this world the way we need to be in order to grow up to be whole, healthy, and well. It's not fair. It's tragic. And I don't know the Why of it. It's hard in the light of this to believe in a loving Universe... .I know a lot of my beliefs feel like they make no sense anymore.

But I do know that long-term anger, resentment,and anything else like that will only prevent me from re-engaging with life and having peace. So forgiveness is what I choose. In between my episodes of white hot anger, my aching sorrow, my deep hurt. Even if it means choosing and re-choosing it over and over until I have fully healed.

[Bananas]

Now that I know what I know about BPD (and have read alot online from people with BPD who are in recovery)... .I know in my heart that my partner NEVER intended to hurt and traumatize me... .that sadly, tragically, he is repeating patterns laid down in his dysfunctional childhood, and that he does not have AWARENESS of what he is doing because of the unconscious defenses and protection mechanisms that make up his psyche. Mostly I feel VERY SAD to see this. SAD for him, sad for me, sad for his children (who I'm sure will be affected by this down the line), sad that life isn't the beautiful, unblemished thing I once believed it was, with my naive belief that love could heal all... .

Forgiveness... .for him, for his unconscious and tragic behaviors, for his raging abandoning father and how that injured him so deeply, for myself and my unconscious needs that got me involved in this dance, for the impact on MY children as I go through trauma and depression in my recovery... .I forgive all of us. Truly we all were doing all we knew how at the time. I still believe that each of us is born beautiful, whole and good. And that sadly, too many of us are not received in this world the way we need to be in order to grow up to be whole, healthy, and well. It's not fair. It's tragic. And I don't know the Why of it. It's hard in the light of this to believe in a loving Universe... .I know a lot of my beliefs feel like they make no sense anymore.

But I do know that long-term anger, resentment,and anything else like that will only prevent me from re-engaging with life and having peace. So forgiveness is what I choose. In between my episodes of white hot anger, my aching sorrow, my deep hurt. Even if it means choosing and re-choosing it over and over until I have fully healed.

This is beautifully communicated!  I do forgive my ex for the reasons stated above.  But I will not let myself forget.  I am almost 8 months out and I still have moments of sorrow and anger.  But I am finding my way back to forgiveness every time.  And it does get easier. 

Livinglearning, I believe it takes time.  There is no way I could process any type of forgiveness in the beginning.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's hard in the light of this to believe in a loving Universe... .I know a lot of my beliefs feel like they make no sense anymore.

So forgiveness is what I choose.  Even if it means choosing and re-choosing it over and over until I have fully healed.

Gorgeous Discovery, very compassionate and well stated, proof we are in a loving universe.

I too have ended up in these places, and it's up to us what we make it mean.  What if a borderline sufferer showed up in our life because they were supposed to.  There were lessons we needed to learn, at this time, and that's the reason for the pain, to make us look deep, adjust our beliefs, and find a way to love and forgive anyway.  And learning what can happen to someone who isn't loved the way they should be, and what pain that inflicts on others later in life, allows us to make sense of it, while committing to not only not let it permanently keep us down, but love our children even more, bolstering them against people who weren't loved well.  The ability to forgive is a skill, and what if our borderline experience was forgiveness gym, forcing us to push harder to find ways to forgive them, for us, and ourselves, also for us.  What if that's how we create a loving universe, stronger than the one we thought we were in.

[Numbers]

Nicked from Wikipedia on "forgiveness". Source: Michael E. McCullough, Kenneth I. Pargament, Carl E. Thoresen (2001), Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice.

Determinants of forgiveness in intimate relationships:

Personality of offender:

Selfish/Apathetic <-------> Selfless/Emphatetic

Relationship quality:

Over benefited <-------> Heavily invested

Nature of transgression:

Serious <-------> Trivial

Discovered through 3rd party <-------> Unsolicited discovery

Social-cognitive values:

Intentional/malicious <-------> No responsibility attribution

The more your affront leans to left side of the pairs above, the harder it is to forgive.

Guess this solved many questions I had why is it so hard in this particular case.

[Discovery]

heel to heal... .

I too have ended up in these places, and it's up to us what we make it mean.  What if a borderline sufferer showed up in our life because they were supposed to.  There were lessons we needed to learn, at this time, and that's the reason for the pain, to make us look deep

Yes, I've always believed that I am here on this planet to grow and to learn... .and... .it was a lot easier to say that when I didn't feel like my heart and soul were being ripped from my chest. THEN it was abstract... .or it was "easy" growth and learning... .a little stretch, a medium stretch... .not a cluster bomb blasting away life as I knew it. 

I've admired people who have endured great adversity and emerged from it, resilient but not hardened... .whether it be political prisoners who are tortured for standing up for human rights or those who have suffered the atrocities of war and violence or any of the countless other ways human beings suffer from circumstances they do not choose.

And now it's my turn to walk through pain, find something deeper in me than the pain, create something worthwhile in the face of suffering and injustice, not allow myself to give up on life.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I've always believed that I am here on this planet to grow and to learn... .and... .it was a lot easier to say that when I didn't feel like my heart and soul were being ripped from my chest. THEN it was abstract... .or it was "easy" growth and learning... .a little stretch, a medium stretch... .not a cluster bomb blasting away life as I knew it. 

I've admired people who have endured great adversity and emerged from it, resilient but not hardened... .whether it be political prisoners who are tortured for standing up for human rights or those who have suffered the atrocities of war and violence or any of the countless other ways human beings suffer from circumstances they do not choose.

And now it's my turn to walk through pain, find something deeper in me than the pain, create something worthwhile in the face of suffering and injustice, not allow myself to give up on life.

Yes!  I've admired those folks too, and this is the part where the rubber meets the road for us.  We can either rise above it and love with faith anyway, after appropriately making the right partner choices with our new information, or we can become bitter, jaded and shut down.  Let's choose the former.

[LivingLearning]

Been so nice to read all these.

For me an element that feels like it has to do with forgiveness, is whether to discuss the past or not. My ex and I talk occasionally, once very 2 weeks (her contacting me), and it's civil. Yet I realize there is much I never said to her for fear of the repercussions.

   If we were to grow into a friendship I know I want friendships where we can say "hey, you know, I'd like to talk about x that happened long ago. I have that with some friends of mine who are my exes.

   Also in our two year relationship, we were off for some periods of months, so I know I've moved on some before, and have moved on a lot these past 3 months. Though I'm always Aware that may or may not be true.

    She has a tough time with "criticism" even if it's worded in I feel statements, so I'm trying to figure out if I could be friends with her given that.

    I also feel like life is short, she's got a lot of good things about her, despite her BPD-like stuff.

Code:

[Waifed]

With time and education about the disorder I now see my borderline ex as a sick person, not a bad one, and forgiveness is for us, not them.  I now know she was doing the best she could to deal with the chaos between her ears, it's not her fault, but it is her responsibility, and how she handled it was unacceptable.

I used to feel this way.  Know I feel like she is a trashy, self absorbed, horrible scumbag of a person who never deserved an ounce of my attention.  She knows she is not right in the head and yet she proudly states that she does not need therapy, even after I offered to pay for it.  I have forgiven her through my recovery process but I have a right to rescind it, and I have.  Maybe that will change once the recurring anger dies down, but I no longer feel the need to forgive her.  As my scab heals, this may change or maybe I just won't care about her at all anymore.  They don't desire forgiveness.  They don't even know what it is or means.  If I feel the need to forgive, it will totally be for myself.  Ironically, I sent her an email asking that she forgive me for some of my totally out of character actions. I asked her not to respond but to consider it. 

She has spent to much time living inside my head.

[Vibration]

Thank you Discovery for sharing such beautiful sentiments on forgiveness.

I have been struggling for the last three months with memories both wonderful and hurtful of the way I was treated, my part in the breakdown of the relationship and trying to come to terms with and fully understand what happened and why.

I believe now that he got into a relationship with me truly believing he could make a go of it, but when reality hit home, he retreated back into a life of meaningless sexual encounters and thrillseeking behaviour because a relationship was not sustainable for him. Of course, rather than telling me this, he just said he didn't feel we were "couply" anymore and that the spark had gone whereas I felt I'd tried really hard to keep the affection alive and going. That hurt me a hell of a lot.

But throughout this process, as I reach for anger, I really just want to be able to forgive. The feeling is so much purer and lighter and sits more easily with me because it helps to calm my mind, but as soon as work and other day-to-day important life considerations flood back into my consciousness, that serenity disipates. It feels so fragile.


The only measure of success is how we deal with disappointment, as we must.

[Ironmanrises]

I cannot forgive my exUBPgf. I didn't do anything to her, to merit such emotional abuse. Let alone to absorb 2 rounds of it.

[imstronghere2]

I'm with Ironman on this.   Simple answer - NO!  Not now and not ever, to my dying breath.  My exwBPD did things that maybe can be forgiven as a human but as a man, a husband and a father - NEVER!

[winston72]

Forgiveness for me has always been the "holy grail" of human behavior in the face of wrongdoing and hurt.  I was very quick to forgive me ex and have sought to forgive anyone in my life who has hurt me... .and there seem to have been plenty!  

Alas, I have learned that even this can be an expression of my own weakness and difficulty in facing my pain and emptiness.  I was too quick to forgive and did too much forgiving.  I know we could play with the semantics and wonder if it is really forgiveness, but I will run with simple terms for this post.  As time and distance have grown, I have been gaining clarity about all of the violations that occurred... .and stuff that was just plain wrong.  My self esteem eroded because I was pulled into much of it and did not maintain consistency with my own values.

Funny... .as I have been typing this I realize I have been Upside Down Man... .first I forgave and then I defined what was wrong and needed forgiving!  What a goof!

Speaking truth, expressing values and maintaining values are things that eroded in the turmoil of my relationship.  as I reflect on it all, I am recapturing these views.  I also think it is just as important for people in our lives who violate us to hear a clear account of their behavior if we are also going to express to them our forgiveness.  I overloaded on the forgiveness part.  I projected onto my ex my own overly sensitive conscience thinking that she would value my graciousness and not being buried with reminders of her failures.  Oops.  It just meant that she was not accountable and I was run over!

Each of are journeys are so unique.  I do so enjoy reading and feeling your experiences of life and these relationships.  Thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm with Ironman on this.   Simple answer - NO!  Not now and not ever, to my dying breath.  My exwBPD did things that maybe can be forgiven as a human but as a man, a husband and a father - NEVER!

Remember imstrong and ironman, forgiveness is for us, not them.  The cliche is if we resent someone they're renting space in our head and forgiveness is the eviction notice.  I've gotten pretty good at forgiving my borderline ex by envisioning enveloping her in my love, which is way stronger than her crap, and contains it.  We used to say 'love conquers all' in the relationship, so now I'm using that to forgive her, and it works.  This has nothing to do with our exes BTW, just our memory of them.

[TheDude]

Forgiveness is commonly misconstrued as a very enigmatic construct, being perceived as inextricably linked to condoning hurtful behavior, and that an absolution be literally granted to the 'offender'.

From a purely secular psychological perspective, forgiveness isn't that complicated. it's something that can be accomplished entirely within ourselves, without any expression or action toward the other person. it's a necessary component to letting go, as the opposite of forgiveness is resentment - which is a major roadblock on the path to detachment. Trying to detour = emotional baggage down the road. In other words, forgiveness isn't literal absolution, it's the release of negativity.

Carry no torches, but hold no grudges.

[TwoCents]

I found that just letting go was the best compromise between forgiving and forgetting.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I completely lost myself. And was a puddle of stress, nihilism, no self esteem and depression for like 7 years. I'm in a very difficult time. Someday's I'm stressed, because I avoid my difficult feelings. Someday's I can be understanding and forgiving, other days not so much. I think the most important thing to forgiveness is to try to understand why they did they horrible things that hurt you and why they were so messed up in the first place. Anything is understandable in this world, if you actually put out the effort into understanding it. Actually my ex-girlfriend often would not be understanding and would end discussion with rigid ideology, hatred, anger and just not listen! This hurt me a lot... .all the more reason to find this trait important.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Any thoughts on this?

Mine are so diverse: "tough love means telling her my truth", "forgiveness is recognizing she's doing her best " "no one does anything wrong , they do what they do" "abuse deserves recognition" "abuse deserves recognizing you can't be abused unless you let yourself"

Well I dont hate my ex and I dont hate my replacement. But for me forgiveness comes in waves.  Forgiveness, like healing is not linear either.    Sometimes I get a feeling of nostalgia and find myself angry for the abuse I underwent.  All it takes to get me grounded and centered again is to remember that there was always a nagging feeling in my mind that something was very "off" with him and turns out my gut was right.  Knowing hes mentally ill, how can I not forgive him?  This is a person who had orgies behind my back and subjected me to extreme emotional and mental abuse over two years and wound up cheating and overlapping and eventually discarding me for my replacement like yesterdays trash. So forgiveness did not come easy.  I took it all very personally and cried for a long time from the pain of it all.  Ive come a long way to this point where forgiveness has happened.  But it was certainly not easy.

right now  in this moment I can say I do forgive him, but to be honest it doesnt matter if I forgave him totally. Because what really mattered was that I forgave myself for tolerating that kind of abuse and dysfunction. 

[HarmKrakow]

Forgiving my ex?

What for?

It's not like they did it consciously. I don't blame her.

Do you blame the stone for hurting you when it hits you? No of course not. It's supposed to hurt you, it's a stone. Not gelly.

[Perfidy]

Forgiveness as I understand it actually requires some sort of atonement from the offender. I wasn't even granted my humanity by the offender. The offender did not even acknowledge that I was a person. I was nothing but an object. Forgiveness is a moot point in my case. I am healing and I have no logical reason to forgive this person. I don't hate her. I don't love her. I am indifferent. My issues are my issues and being apart from her without any contact has illustrated this clearly for me. I have me to work on and make myself resistive to the kind of fairy tale bs that I'm prone to swallow. Good luck with that forgiveness thing. It's shadow boxing for me. If any one needs my forgiveness it would be me. I'm working on that.