Broke No Contact I apologize to everyone who gave me words of wisdom here

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I just took a step backward last night after I went out drinking. I posted recently about my BPD ex girl basically making it conveniently known she was on the same dating site I was on. The day I found out I was already battling thoughts of contacting vs not contact. I went on my profile on the dating site as a form of escape only to see her in the viewed me section. She already previously knew I was on the site within the last 4 months of break up because I told her. Then this happened. I was told by you guys to not give her the satisfaction and I listened up until last night when I went out drinking with coworkers and came home and drank one more large beer. I sent an email. This was not the kind of email that you can respond to. It was a release of all of my feelings. Too long of an email to write. To sum it up it was asking her to look within instead of using us men for soothing for selfish reasons. I gave examples of all of I knew and all of the train wrecks I knew she left each one being worse and worse then the last leading up to myself. I told her what she is doing to men is hurting them. I told her that her behavior is going to end her up with an STD or really hurt or worse by the hands of someone. It was almost as if I was still trying to save her in my drunken state looking back on the email and reading it. I was also outraged that I was driven off of the site and expressed that I wasn't sure if that was the result she wanted but that she can have the site to herself. She has no way of writing back being that she is blocked from that email account but I am not. I used to be though but for some reason after our last blow out I apparently am not blocked. This email had hard facts in it and was combined with knowledge that I have obtained throughout these past 4 or 5 months of trying to help her. I know this was a mistake as I doubt it served any purpose but pissing her off and adding fuel to the fire. However Im not going to lie but I feel a sense of release inside of me for the first time in a long time. I let out alot of emotion in that email and alot of thoughts Ive been harboring over the last couple of days. I dont think I would have sent this had I would not have been drinking. This morning I got a phone call from her father while I was sleeping. I was going to call back but instead just changed my number instead. Judging from him calling I was assuming she ran and played victim. I think on some level what I did was way out of line and very childish. I feel that what I did was selfish and unselfish at the same time. I wish I wouldn't have done this and wish I wouldn't have even drank last night at all. I apologize to all the people on here who took the time to write me and aid me with the strength to not pull something like this. I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry to myself as well. Maybe Ive acquired some of her tendencies because I feel good to tell you the truth that she is upset or whatever about this. I have been going through hell and while in this hell still sympathizing and caring about her feelings along the hellish ride. I have been a punching bag and tossed through the mud and kept dishing out love. I still regret doing this though but I feel a big time sense of release. It literally felt like something was inside my stomach like a boulder or something that I released threw out. I do understand she is a sick person as I have read and read on BPD. So I feel some remorse as well for hurting her in some way. I do still love her. It is what it is. I made a mistake not sure if its a good mistake or not. I just want to feel good inside for once and I finally do feel some sort of relief from this whether it is evil or not. Maybe I am evil now. I dont know though. I just dont know. I would hate to think that I am an evil person. I still have doubts. I just dont feel as intense inside as I did prior to what I sent.

[AG]

So I just took a step backward last night after I went out drinking. I posted recently about my BPD ex girl basically making it conveniently known she was on the same dating site I was on. The day I found out I was already battling thoughts of contacting vs not contact. I went on my profile on the dating site as a form of escape only to see her in the viewed me section. She already previously knew I was on the site within the last 4 months of break up because I told her. Then this happened. I was told by you guys to not give her the satisfaction and I listened up until last night when I went out drinking with coworkers and came home and drank one more large beer. I sent an email. This was not the kind of email that you can respond to. It was a release of all of my feelings. Too long of an email to write. To sum it up it was asking her to look within instead of using us men for soothing for selfish reasons. I gave examples of all of I knew and all of the train wrecks I knew she left each one being worse and worse then the last leading up to myself. I told her what she is doing to men is hurting them. I told her that her behavior is going to end her up with an STD or really hurt or worse by the hands of someone. It was almost as if I was still trying to save her in my drunken state looking back on the email and reading it. I was also outraged that I was driven off of the site and expressed that I wasn't sure if that was the result she wanted but that she can have the site to herself. She has no way of writing back being that she is blocked from that email account but I am not. I used to be though but for some reason after our last blow out I apparently am not blocked. This email had hard facts in it and was combined with knowledge that I have obtained throughout these past 4 or 5 months of trying to help her. I know this was a mistake as I doubt it served any purpose but pissing her off and adding fuel to the fire. However Im not going to lie but I feel a sense of release inside of me for the first time in a long time. I let out alot of emotion in that email and alot of thoughts Ive been harboring over the last couple of days. I dont think I would have sent this had I would not have been drinking. This morning I got a phone call from her father while I was sleeping. I was going to call back but instead just changed my number instead. Judging from him calling I was assuming she ran and played victim. I think on some level what I did was way out of line and very childish. I feel that what I did was selfish and unselfish at the same time. I wish I wouldn't have done this and wish I wouldn't have even drank last night at all. I apologize to all the people on here who took the time to write me and aid me with the strength to not pull something like this. I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry to myself as well. Maybe Ive acquired some of her tendencies because I feel good to tell you the truth that she is upset or whatever about this. I have been going through hell and while in this hell still sympathizing and caring about her feelings along the hellish ride. I have been a punching bag and tossed through the mud and kept dishing out love. I still regret doing this though but I feel a big time sense of release. It literally felt like something was inside my stomach like a boulder or something that I released threw out. I do understand she is a sick person as I have read and read on BPD. So I feel some remorse as well for hurting her in some way. I do still love her. It is what it is. I made a mistake not sure if its a good mistake or not. I just want to feel good inside for once and I finally do feel some sort of relief from this whether it is evil or not. Maybe I am evil now. I dont know though. I just dont know. I would hate to think that I am an evil person. I still have doubts. I just dont feel as intense inside as I did prior to what I sent.

[Numbers]

Hey AG.

NC is for your healing, not for you to prove yourself to us or to uphold it even if you'd break. If you are still determined that you do not wish to be recycled, then no harm done, restart counting from last night  .

I broke NC twice during last two months. Both times received very cold responses. I was slaping myself silly for these moments of weakness (ok, I admit, alcohol was involved too  ). I felt like I just devalued myself even further, for desperating over poorly chosen partner who is, on top of it all, at this moment in ballistic aloof mode  .

But my friends tell me that this was not weakness or end of the world, but rather proof that I have heart and soul.

At the end of it all... .I broke NC. So what, dear ex.

[Findingmysong723]

There is nothing wrong with letting your feelings out, you have a right to express yourself! Since you said her Father called you probably should stay NC in case they might say you are harassing her etc. Just keep yourself out of trouble, but it's good you got your feelings out. I wish I could of let out all the feelings of hurt I had, since I was still in the fog when I had my chance. Not sure if I'll ever do it since time is passing by, but hey you never know. You are not evil!

[Learning_curve74]

It's totally fine to make mistakes, AG. 

We are not defined by our mistakes. That's the past, and while it's perfectly human to feel bad about it, what's really important is what you do right now, right here.

Do you really consider yourself an "evil" person? Doesn't everybody do some good things and some bad things?

Hang in there AG. And be kind to yourself.