best friends idk anymore

[whirlpoollife]

Long story bear with me. I have to tell the story  to get the picture.

I have a best friend girlfriend (bf). She has a d23 and s14 .The start of our friendship six years ago was great but I realize she is queen borderline. Her husband left her last spring but has since moved back in. During the time he was out I helped her financially and with the house stuff but she has lied to me , stood me up, degraded me etc. wanted money.  i felt sorry for her.   she s unemployed. She is proud of her D as she is good looking and "men want her".  i hear that all time.

i have another friend who is male (mf). i have known him about five years. (school parents)  He is divorced civilly but married religiously still. his  exwife lives with him still as she has mental and physical illness and cant live on her own.  This past year we have talked more. (intelligent conversations which forced me to have opinions which I didn't know how to do because of x2b) he has said to me if he wasn't so religious our r/s would be more. we don't go out socially. he does not have a cell phone. he has an email but checks it once a week. so our communication with each other is hit and miss but enjoyable. He has been good for my mental healing.

Way back in the beginning bf said that mf said yea he would date her if he was younger. ok so what.

During the spring and summer she would let me know that when she and her daughter would bump into mf he would spend time talking her d.  bf insinuated that they went out together but wasn't sure. Said that those two have something going.

When I bumped into mf I asked him about this. Acted surprised but was then somewhat angry at me for asking.  

then I hear from bf that she would like her d to be a professional escort. i ask her if she had mf in mind. Answer was yes but d found him strange. but they still pursued him.

move fwd to last weeks... .last three conversations mf asked how bf was doing and how d was doing as he hadn't seen her at her work.  salon in store.     (she quit) D has done my hair in the past and present.  bf would tell me that he would give d a hug because he was happy on how good it looked. but I didn't get the compliment.

bf wants to move out and get a lawyer and needs major money to do so. she wants me to help. I feel the guilt again so I asked mf what his advice would be. he said I got myself in a mess but I don't have to give her money as I need it for myself right now

Day later he asked about her d again and I lost  patience  i asked if he wanted her phone number so he could ask her etc. he got angry and said he likes her but she  is just an acquaintance.  

i saw him twice past week  but got the cold shoulder.  why? any thoughts? Does he a 52 yr old good looking man have the lust for a 23 yr old blonde? or was it a caring question?  yes to both?

This hurts me because I loved being able to talk to a man so different than my stbxh but I feel I need to do an almost no contact with mf. (avoid and not send an email) I was not jealous of his exwife  or other women he'd talk to yet I do have jealousy with his infatuation with bf d.    bf fills my head to cause it?

[Rose Tiger]

Are you worried about saying no to bf about money?  That is weird that mf asks you how the d23 is doing, sounds like they are manipulating him and he is falling into it.  I'm sure you'd like to protect your mf from the mire he is getting sucked into with them.  What is the benefit to being friends with bf, what's in it for you?   Can you continue a friendship with mf if he agrees to not discuss bf & d with you?

[whirlpoollife]

  What is the benefit to being friends with bf, what's in it for you?   

Thanks Rose Tiger

Codependent, and guilt into rescuing her. Lack of friends and length of friendship and that she was ok in the beginning. ( I think because then her husband gave her lots of money and she could spend it freely ) Her loud personality helped on bringing me out of my shell but now realize I became more of a sidekick to her.   Her door was open for me when x2b received his divorce complaint ( he was living with me at the time) I have more than repaid her back yet I feel indebted.  But what's in for me now?... .nothing.    I have read the thread "letting go of friends with BPD" and its  just right for me now.  For one week I have not gone over to her house, communication has been minimal and via text.  I feel so much better already not being used as an emotional punching bag and sugar mama.   I need to make it two weeks.  

mf well ... .his defense and interest of her d23 is ... .I don't know. Only assumptions but "they are manipulating him and he is falling into it" is one I never thought of and good one.     His attitude towards me got so different quickly.  I seem to have lost a confiding in type of trust from this. Lack of trust is definitely  fleas.

[Rose Tiger]

They might be playing him since bf wants d to become a professional escort.  Mf sounds like a nice guy but he's only human and having some cute young thing flirting is a temptation.  This all has nothing to do with you and best to stay out of the middle because it will likely pass quickly unless he starts giving them money.  This something you can practice your validation skills with, if he brings it up, you validate what he is saying "I hear you" "I see what you're saying" and move on to ":)id you see the Bronco game".    With the bf, this is a chance to practice your boundaries, practice saying no with a smile, practicing assertiveness.

I figure we can't avoid all the not so nice people in the world so we may as well learn how to deal with them in a healthy and assertive manner while taking good care of ourselves!

[livednlearned]

I think it's common to have friends who display the same traits as our significant others. Now that you've left your ex, your friends might change too.

When I was separating from N/BPDx, my closest friend became upset because I was distracted during her mother's funeral. She stopped talking to me. I was a week from leaving N/BPDx, more frightened than I'd ever been. I felt such guilt at the funeral because I was worried that N/BPDx was angry at me for spending time at the funeral instead of at home with him.    Pulled in every direction.

For a while, I felt terribly guilty that I hadn't been a good friend during a time my friend was grieving such a big loss. And then I realized... .wait a sec. She never once checked in with me after I left N/BPDx to see how I was doing. If I was ok. She just cold-shouldered me. I was in such a tailspin of crisis I could only take care of S12 and myself. Best thing that ever happened to me, now that I look back.

We're no longer friends and I don't miss her at all. I always felt used. She wanted a sidekick, not a friend.

That quality you mention, where you like someone because they bring something out in you -- that's the key to everything. Because being healthy means you find that thing in yourself, whatever it is. If you can't find it, the next best thing is to feel ok about not having whatever it is. And then you start finding peace in yourself, and attracting people who are just like you. And you like them back because you like yourself.

[whirlpoollife]

This all has nothing to do with you

Thank you

and best to stay out of the middle.   This something you can practice your validation skills with, if he brings it up, you validate what he is saying "I hear you" "I see what you're saying" and move on to ":)id you see the Bronco game".  

Staying out of middle will take practice but will do.  Validation with all other subjects with mf was mutual.

With the bf, this is a chance to practice your boundaries, practice saying no with a smile, practicing assertiveness.

Started and it feels good.  Contact is minimal

I think it's common to have friends who display the same traits as our significant others. Now that you've left your ex, your friends might change too.

It's like I am aware of these traits now without the self blame involved.

I felt such guilt at the funeral because I was worried that N/BPDx was angry at me for spending time at the funeral instead of at home with him.  

I understand that well.

For a while, I felt terribly guilty that I hadn't been a good friend

yes as bf was always in crisis mode.  


And then you start finding peace in yourself, and attracting people who are just like you. And you like them back because you like yourself.

To like me... .that's the rough part.  I was in counseling from the crisis shelter but stopped few months ago. Counselor wanted me to pamper myself . Do something for me. ok I so bought myself new shoes.  ( ok that was good because I didn't have to buy x2bh a pair too to keep him from calling me selfish )  I guess things like that are small steps to see what I like not what someone else likes.  my mf ( I was going to say the mf, but that he is not)  would say, "hi whirlpoollife how are you what are you doing?" with sincerity .  I was at first so shocked at a man calling me by my first name. That wasn't normal to me.

He would ask me questions on religion, politics, finance news etc for conversation. I couldn't answer them at first.  Some of my faults are I'm too laid back, too no conflict, its none of my  business to ask.  So little by little I guess I'm forming my own opinions and learn that its ok too to ask others questions to make conversation.  

[livednlearned]

What started to give me confidence -- small things. Like saying "no" and then nothing. No explanation. I didn't get it all the time, but one out of 8 times I would do it. Then one out of 6. Then I started doing it more than not. And the weirdest thing, no one would say, "Hey, wait a sec, you are too much of a weenie, you better cut it out right now." 

You believe you are worth it, then other people start to catch on.

It's this huge easy secret right in front of us, and we just find a thousand excuses why it can't be so. Fake it 'til you make it, whirlpoolife.

My T said, believe in what you think and say so. 9/10 you will be right. The other 1 time you're wrong, so what. It took me two years to understand that.

Try practicing on people who are low stakes to get your confidence. Then try it on friends.

I got my start with The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I was so mired in abuse as a kid, I needed someone to explain exactly what abuse was. That's key. Once you see the tricks and traps, it gets easier. First you recognize it's happening, then you do your kung-foo chop on them. 

[whirlpoollife]

Lnl I will order that book today. thanks.

Friday night late I went to the store and bumped into mf, with his young daughter, coming out with a packed grocery cart. Short talk. His daughter knows me from school and was happy to see me. ( That touches my heart) He had worked a full day and was doing the  shopping , ex wife can't work and doesn't buy the groceries     Again  I go to the store late last night and he and his daughter pull in at the same time.  His daughter was happy to see me again, "daddy daddy look who's here!" Walked around together, small talk again mostly with his d, she is a talker.  He talked about a tv show that mentioned an old song, rock the boat, he sang a tune from it.

Leaving the store mf says ' well I will see you again tomorrow night'   I'm over analyzing but was he joking because it was two nights in row or maybe he means it? To get the same timing to be there at the same time idk.  I also know for a fact that in the past bf and her d roamed the stores at evenings/night looking for him if that  has anything to do with anything.

[livednlearned]

Leaving the store mf says ' well I will see you again tomorrow night'   I'm over analyzing but was he joking because it was two nights in row or maybe he means it? To get the same timing to be there at the same time idk.  I also know for a fact that in the past bf and her d roamed the stores at evenings/night looking for him if that  has anything to do with anything.

If he is trying to send you a message, he is not doing it in a way you deserve to hear.

Way, way, way too ambiguous. Anyone worth being with you will say, "Whirlpoollife, I really enjoy spending time with you. Would you like to have coffee with me sometime?"

Right out there in the open. Anything else creates too much room for fantasy. I think nons are very used to that fantasy world because we tend to be isolated emotionally, and are masters of creating narratives we want to hear.

[whirlpoollife]

The straight forward advice is appreciated. I have so much to learn socially! 

Just posting on this board to ask these questions is a step forward to open up more. Safe here I know but still, I feel so ignorantly embarrassed  with these questions.

[livednlearned]

The straight forward advice is appreciated. I have so much to learn socially! 

Just posting on this board to ask these questions is a step forward to open up more. Safe here I know but still, I feel so ignorantly embarrassed  with these questions.

I feel the same way. It's like getting around on training wheels when you're supposed to be able to drive a car.