Really struggling today

[damage control]

My recent (2 weeks today) ex had already engaged with my replacement before he split with me, in fact, he went on a date with her the night he dumped me ... their first date.

That weekend, he stayed at her house overnight and it was really difficult to cope with the feelings of shame and humiliation - we are in the same house but in separate rooms now ... every day is tough because I know that when he shuts his door that means he is skyping with her, or another, not sure.

I got to an ok place with him last week and on Saturday, he left to see her again but this time he stayed 2 nights - and for some reason, this has me really struggling again.

I know it's normal to be devastated by having my face rubbed in this ... but I am just not really dealing at the moment ... I am really still in disbelief mode I think ... in shock that a lover could treat me with such indifference ... it's very hard to swallow.

The voices in my head keep telling me that they have only known each other three weeks and given that they are already spending weekends together, chances are this won't last (I just don't think I could take it if this ended up being his 'true love' ... but really, it doesn't matter and it worries me intensely that this belief is tied to still thinking that he is going to realise what a mistake he has made.

i'm a very long way from being even a little bit ok with this ... I am crushed and feel like a broken toy.

I know there isn't really anything that anybody can say or do to pull me through this but I just had to tell somebody because I cannot admit to anybody else that I still crave this man who has treated me like I was nothing ... it makes me feel sick and ashamed that I still want him and still have some ridiculous notion of hope... I KNOW that the lies and the deception/betrayal have made it impossible for reconciliation - well, I don't think he will ever want that anyhow ... but my mind keeps going there ... imagining ... Yoda help me.

[MammaMia]

damage control

Is it his place or yours?  One of you must leave.  What will you do if he brings her home?  This situation is toxic.  

If he comes back, there will always be trust issues.  Why would you even want someone who is so cruel and demeaning back?  His lack of consideration speaks volumes.  Sometimes we have to accept that a relationship is over, no matter how hard that might be.

Have you considered getting some therapy?  Please think about it.  I hope you have family and friends to offer support.

In the meantime, stop beating yourself up.  He is not worth the effort.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey dc, what you're going through is tough especially with you both living in the same house. He lied to you and hurt you, please don't pile on by beating yourself up about still wanting him. Aren't you allowed to be kind to yourself when you need it the most?  

If he has a pattern of using and discarding women, that is unlikely to change. To him there is nothing more special about this new woman than you, she is just the next person in line. Please remember that you are not any less valuable a person regardless of what he thinks of you!

You poured a lot of time and energy into building a relationship with him. It's not easy to just turn off your feelings for him like a light switch. It's ok to feel what you're feeling.

How hard would it be for you to move out, to get away from this house? Do you already have plans for that?

[patientandclear]

The reason you are not the least bit OK with this & still at some level want him back is that it is inconceivable.  You've suffered a traumatic loss that makes no sense and really cannot be readily processed.  The pieces don't add up.  You are still trying to work with the information you thought you had, and the new information doesn't square with that AT ALL so your mind is dumping it.

I don't think this stuff can always, or even often, be processed cognitively, by just deciding to think in a certain way about it.  I have found somatic (body-based) treatments for trauma to be more helpful than cognitive therapy or any other "thinking based" tools except reading here, which is more like a support group because you are reading the same story over and over again, not necessarily being told to think differently.

I agree with everyone else that you've got to have a safe place where you don't have to have the information about what he's doing inflicted on you constantly, though.  Is there a timetable for being able to live separately from him?

And I agree with the other posters -- this is not his "true love" and this isn't about you.  (But oh, how well I know the "shame and humiliation" -- my ex started seeing my much younger work colleague days or weeks after leaving me.  I got to watch her joy and excitement for the weeks/months before the same thing happened to her.  He is so ruthless.)  Her main asset is that he does NOT know her well enough to be annoyed, disappointed, inconvenienced, or deeply seen by her yet.  Any of those things will be a problem and they will eventually surface.

[Lady31]

The reason you are not the least bit OK with this & still at some level want him back is that it is inconceivable.  You've suffered a traumatic loss that makes no sense and really cannot be readily processed.  The pieces don't add up.  You are still trying to work with the information you thought you had, and the new information doesn't square with that AT ALL so your mind is dumping it.

Great post. 

DC - Goodness girl, that is a NIGHTMARE.  I don't think I could function one second in your shoes.  I AM SO SORRY.  And I too am curious how soon you can get out of your situation.

Don't feel shame over having those feelings toward him.  I struggle with that too.  My exh had a really bad rage that got physical and all out CRAZY - and afterwards I felt that way too.  I was so ashamed - I have the whole thing on recording, and looking back I was like UGH - how could he do THIS to me, I have a very clear reminder of how bad it was, and I can STILL wish he was with me?

Then I realized it's normal.  Was I wishing he would abuse me?  HECK NO.  I was wishing things were different so I didn't have to be hurt, rejected, lose my husband, watch our family fall apart, be cut out of our business.  WHO WOULDN'T WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT and they could somehow have all the nightmare FIXED?

OF COURSE you feel that way.  It's normal.  I do hope you get out of that toxic situation as soon as possible.  Maybe you could start spending weekends with friends or family?  That way he can wonder what you are up to and get a little taste of his OWN medicine.  What a disrespectful jerk.  But MORE so - you could go straight to a planned place after work on Friday and not return home until after work Monday? Then you never know exactly what he is doing.  And if he asks YOU - it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!

Or - can you set a boundary that says if he wants to continue living under the same roof as you he will have to treat you and the relationship you did have with respect and there will be no seeing other woman until your situation is resolved?

[damage control]

damage control

Is it his place or yours?  One of you must leave.  What will you do if he brings her home?  This situation is toxic.  

If he comes back, there will always be trust issues.  Why would you even want someone who is so cruel and demeaning back?  His lack of consideration speaks volumes.  Sometimes we have to accept that a relationship is over, no matter how hard that might be.

Have you considered getting some therapy?  Please think about it.  I hope you have family and friends to offer support.

In the meantime, stop beating yourself up.  He is not worth the effort.

Hi MammaMia

Thanks for the response.

I can't afford therapy - I have just started a new job last week and coming across country (to be near him) has left me all-but broke.

This is share-house. Originally, I was going to stay for a few weeks, see what happened with the job (if I got it or not) and then move out close-by ... .obviously, there is now a spanner in those works.

It is more his house than mine, we share with 3 other people and we are at opposite ends of the house but we run into each other all the time and I have allowed him to spend time with me hanging out etc ... .but, I don't think I can do that any longer.

The city I have moved to is very large and very expensive and although I have looked, finding somewhere close to work is going to cost at least double what I am paying here (I am a 20 minute train ride at the moment) ... .the couple who primarily rent the house have told me that they are ore than happy for me to stay - and it is convenient.

My plan for this week was to see if I could actually avoid 'him' for most of the time ... he goes out the back to smoke (for example) so, I went out the front tonight ... I was on the phone to a friend and 'he' came outside and actually waved to me and smiled ... I felt sick.

I don't really have any family as such, apart from my (grown) kids and obviously, they cannot be a support. I have some friends but they are all back in my home state, although they are calling.

I know I have to accept, I mean I REALLY know that ... but I cannot seem to quell those irrational, emotional thoughts from trickiling in ... the full weekend at this woman's house just reignited all the shame and need I felt that first day.

[damage control]

Hey dc, what you're going through is tough especially with you both living in the same house. He lied to you and hurt you, please don't pile on by beating yourself up about still wanting him. Aren't you allowed to be kind to yourself when you need it the most?  

If he has a pattern of using and discarding women, that is unlikely to change. To him there is nothing more special about this new woman than you, she is just the next person in line. Please remember that you are not any less valuable a person regardless of what he thinks of you!

You poured a lot of time and energy into building a relationship with him. It's not easy to just turn off your feelings for him like a light switch. It's ok to feel what you're feeling.

How hard would it be for you to move out, to get away from this house? Do you already have plans for that?

Hi LC - thankyou also for the response.

He does have a pattern ... some last longer than others (or me), but he has very unhealthy relationships and suffers from extreme fear of engulfment ... I know that there is nothing more special or wonderful about her, and I recognise that this is about so much more than him and me ... .but it came from nowhere really, just after I moved all the way here, I am in a strange city, strange state, isolated, my dog is in another state as are my friends and I am trying yto cope with starting a new job which is not my usual ine of work so there is a steep learning curve ...

I think I answered my quandry about the house in the post above ... I am completely confused as to what to do there ... .I would be shattered if he bought her home ... competey shattered.

[damage control]

The reason you are not the least bit OK with this & still at some level want him back is that it is inconceivable.  You've suffered a traumatic loss that makes no sense and really cannot be readily processed.  The pieces don't add up.  You are still trying to work with the information you thought you had, and the new information doesn't square with that AT ALL so your mind is dumping it.

I agree with everyone else that you've got to have a safe place where you don't have to have the information about what he's doing inflicted on you constantly, though.  Is there a timetable for being able to live separately from him?

And I agree with the other posters -- this is not his "true love" and this isn't about you.  (But oh, how well I know the "shame and humiliation" -- my ex started seeing my much younger work colleague days or weeks after leaving me.  I got to watch her joy and excitement for the weeks/months before the same thing happened to her.  He is so ruthless.)  Her main asset is that he does NOT know her well enough to be annoyed, disappointed, inconvenienced, or deeply seen by her yet.  Any of those things will be a problem and they will eventually surface.

Hi P + C ... thankyou also for chiming in ... it is such a relief to be told that I am ok and he is a disrespectful jerk ... .he behaves as if I should be fine with all of this ... and I have no idea how to act.

You are right, I know that this isn't about me, or her, it's about him. My reason knows these things but, I cannot seem to get my feelings to understand ... yes, I think that the same things will surface with her - but I know that they are in the intense infatuation/honeymoon phase - they must be if he needs/wants to stay all weekend and that ... well that just rips me to the core.

[Lady31]

Oh wow - you made some serious sacrifices and life changes to give this a go with him.  That makes his callousness that much worse... .WOW.

Well, I think long term it is not good to be around this guy.  Even if you could handle it on a friendship level - he is not a good person and lacks any concern whatsoever for others.

I think I would look at two options:

1) Work and save as much as you can as quick as you can and check the possibility of one of your friends that could allow you to stay short term so you can move back asap and re-establish yourself.

2) If you like it where you are - start asking around and checking online for other house-share situations and see what you can work out in a sooner time frame.

From you post, it sounds like the only idea was to just stay there.  I don't think that is good for your mental and emotional health - but it's your decision.

[damage control]

DC - Goodness girl, that is a NIGHTMARE.  I don't think I could function one second in your shoes.  I AM SO SORRY.  And I too am curious how soon you can get out of your situation.

Don't feel shame over having those feelings toward him.  I struggle with that too.  My exh had a really bad rage that got physical and all out CRAZY - and afterwards I felt that way too.  I was so ashamed - I have the whole thing on recording, and looking back I was like UGH - how could he do THIS to me, I have a very clear reminder of how bad it was, and I can STILL wish he was with me?

Then I realized it's normal.  Was I wishing he would abuse me?  HECK NO.  I was wishing things were different so I didn't have to be hurt, rejected, lose my husband, watch our family fall apart, be cut out of our business.  WHO WOULDN'T WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT and they could somehow have all the nightmare FIXED?

OF COURSE you feel that way.  It's normal.  I do hope you get out of that toxic situation as soon as possible.  Maybe you could start spending weekends with friends or family?  That way he can wonder what you are up to and get a little taste of his OWN medicine.  What a disrespectful jerk.  But MORE so - you could go straight to a planned place after work on Friday and not return home until after work Monday? Then you never know exactly what he is doing.  And if he asks YOU - it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!

Or - can you set a boundary that says if he wants to continue living under the same roof as you he will have to treat you and the relationship you did have with respect and there will be no seeing other woman until your situation is resolved?

Hi Lady31 ... your response is also much appreciated ... yes, you are exactly right ... I don't WANT this person who has done these things back but I desperately miss the man I though he was.

I don't have friends or family here, I am a gazillion miles from home and isolated. I would love to take off for a weekend and leave him to wonder (actually, he probably wouldn't give it a second thought, one of the BP traits he doesn't have is jealousy ... he doesn't feel jealousy ever, says he never has felt it ever).

I absolutely have no right to say how he behaves as this was his house first - I am the intruder ... and as for saying that he can not see this woman ... he would just ignore me I think ... he sees absolutely nothing wrong in what he is doing or how he is going about things ... yes, he really is that clueless.

[damage control]

Oh wow - you made some serious sacrifices and life changes to give this a go with him.  That makes his callousness that much worse... .WOW.

Well, I think long term it is not good to be around this guy.  Even if you could handle it on a friendship level - he is not a good person and lacks any concern whatsoever for others.

I think I would look at two options:

1) Work and save as much as you can as quick as you can and check the possibility of one of your friends that could allow you to stay short term so you can move back asap and re-establish yourself.

2) If you like it where you are - start asking around and checking online for other house-share situations and see what you can work out in a sooner time frame.

From you post, it sounds like the only idea was to just stay there.  I don't think that is good for your mental and emotional health - but it's your decision.

I did make serious sacrifices and changes ... and I was here just 9 days before he dumped me ... to go on the first date with a woman he met online just a few days before ... .he spent (what I thought was a very romantic) that weekend emailing her while I slept just a foot away ... recycling emails that he had originally sent me ... I arrived and he hit absolute panic mode and ran ... and is still running ...

I just cannot believe that he had the audacity to come outside and wave and smile at me ... we just ran into each other in the kitchen and he avoided my eyes ... I think he got the message from the look on my face ... this 2 nights, for some reason, is a choking point to me ... he wants her so badly that he has to spend Sunday night and go to work from there? ... No, I don't think so ... .I am at the rock bottom of my humiliation.

[damage control]

Lady31, your options make sense and I was thinking things through a little clearer until this past weekend ... this has thrown me and I am stuck in a loop ... even work today was no distraction ... I could barely focus.

I just made all of these major decisions and organised my things, my dog, a job interview, travel etc ... and I only arrived 3 weeks ago ... it's just too soon to try and deal with these decisions again ... I'm exhausted.

[MammaMia]

damage control

I am so sorry for your situation.  You have a right to feel angry and betrayed, AND you deserve better.  This man has used and abused you.  

How long have you been together?  Was it his idea for you to move to be with him?  :)o you want to stay in the new city with the new job WITHOUT the relationship, and are there positive opportunities for you?

If so, perhaps someone at your work needs a roommate or knows someone who does.  If you decide to stay, you need a stable environment as far away from him as possible.  Then go NC and stay that way.

Your current situation is very unhealthy.  Too many changes in your life at once

coupled with a deceitful man ... .a horrible combination.    

Please take care of yourself.  Keep posting.  We want to help.  

[damage control]

MM

He has used and abused me ... and I never, ever thought he would. I trusted him completely.

We have been together a year.

It wasn't his idea for me to move, he had promised to come out to me (over and over) to live but then decided he needed to stay at his job for another 12 months (I live in a country town where he would never get the type of work he is used to) to save more money. He was planning to come and spend Xmas vacation with me. Then go back home, then fly me over soon after for a visit etc ... until June/July next year, when he would come to me permanently.

As I wasn't working I began to look for work both at home and here. A great opportunity came up here and they wanted to interview me. When I left home, I didn't know if I would get the job.

He told me to come and stay with him (this was going to be for a couple of weeks) but I don't think he was expecting me to get the job ... or if he even considered the job at all.

I told him I was going to be staying at this house for the 3 weeks training (4 weeks in total). I think this was when he hit panic buttons - I was here, I was staying for a while etc ... of course, he has consistently told me that he wanted to be near me, we talked by phone and skype every day for at least 2-3 hours and he sent texts all day as well. I was his 'best and only' friend and, ' the most alluring woman he had met in 10 years' etc ... this was not my imagination, he was in with both feet as far as I was concerned.

I don't know if I want to stay here. I didn't only come for him (although he was a big factor), it was for work as well ... there were and are limited opportunities where I was living (although it was beautiful).

The work I am doing now CAN be done from home but it takes a while to get to that point - at least a few months - that was my plan originally, to stay here for a few months (probably at least 3/4) and then go back home and work from there ... I thought me being here for that time would allow him and me to spend some serious time together, with me living away from this house, but close-by.

I have told the ppl at work that I am looking for somewhere to live. This is a huge, HUGE city and it is hard to get housing as right now, we are looking at University semesters ending, xmas vacations coming etc ... rooms and housing is being snapped up very quickly and prices are very high.

I am feeling somewhat angry at him this morning - finally. I hope it stays or grows because I have not been able to be angry these past two weeks, just incredibly hurt and angry with myself.

Last night he seemed to understand just how angry I was just by the looks I gave him as he avoided eye contact or speaking to me on the brief occasion I saw him after he gave me that wave out the front. If he continues to see this woman on weekends (and I assume he will until it breaks down - or continue to if it doesn't) so, I won't have to see him then. That will help as well as hurt ... but, I am not sure I can be hurt any more than I am now. Perhaps, as someone said, if he brings her home then I would possibly crack ... and it's going to hurt again when he leaves this weekend again, but, even if I am away from him, weekends are going to be hard to deal with no matter where I am, I cannot 'un-know' that he is visiting her over the weekends.

I feel panic stricken and completely turned around - I cannot believe I trusted and believed in him as I did ... it takes a lot for me to trust ... and he devoted all this time to making me believe in him only to behave with utter contempt of me.

I don't understand how somebody who has talked to me for hours every day for over a year, who has spent weeks in my company while I visited etc ... doesn't miss me one little bit ... it's the 'desire' for me that is killing me ... he was so, SO lustful of me always, even when things were rocky, that never wavered. For him to tell me that was dead (one day after sleeping with me) and that all lust/desire was gone ... that has just cut me to ribbons. I feel undesirable and unlovable ... he has chosen to go and sleep with this new woman over me. Something I never, ever thought would happen ... not ever.