Another high before a major low?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPDw has recently been fairly decent. She has not been verbally abusive. At times and even within the last half hour, she has been complimentary. She has needed a lot of space so that she can study and prepare for her tests at the university she is attending where she is right now. She also works a lot, too. Thus, I have not asked her to have quality time with her. In fact, a long time ago, I really wanted to have quality time with her, but she was insistent that may come later when she is done with her studying, which, by the way, is 4 years from now. In the meantime, I have been patiently waiting, teaching, writing, and giving workshops. Nevertheless, I feel personally empty, and one of my friends said to me that there is always a possibility that my BPDw may even dump me after she gets all that she wants to do. I can see my friend's point frankly, but it is speculation. Bottom line, it is hard to know if my BPDw is making a major transition to feeling totally better about herself and thus about me or if this is just another high before there is a major low again.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has recently been fairly decent. She has not been verbally abusive. At times and even within the last half hour, she has been complimentary. She has needed a lot of space so that she can study and prepare for her tests at the university she is attending where she is right now. She also works a lot, too. Thus, I have not asked her to have quality time with her. In fact, a long time ago, I really wanted to have quality time with her, but she was insistent that may come later when she is done with her studying, which, by the way, is 4 years from now. In the meantime, I have been patiently waiting, teaching, writing, and giving workshops. Nevertheless, I feel personally empty, and one of my friends said to me that there is always a possibility that my BPDw may even dump me after she gets all that she wants to do. I can see my friend's point frankly, but it is speculation. Bottom line, it is hard to know if my BPDw is making a major transition to feeling totally better about herself and thus about me or if this is just another high before there is a major low again.

[Inside]

Hey Sam, I’d ‘answered you’ on another post – and of 2 things minimized on my desktop during a power glitch – I lost yours … and haven’t had the time or energy to craft it again.  But here we are … me, with 2.5 years of ‘experience,’ and you with 12(?)… 

I’ve read and found it true with my uBPDgf that they’re not known for following through on much of anything…  ‘Mine’ (though we’ve not spoken for over 3 weeks) was/ is quite impulsive and easily swayed by the encouragement of others - yet rarely follows through on anything.  And your wife has 4 years left... ?   Actually, my assumptions aren’t good.  If it ‘were my pwBPD,’ I’d suspect she’s trying to impress some guy and attempting to get/ stay close…  Is someone else on her pedestal … and she’s fending ‘you’ off while pursuing them?

It’s tragic to think like that, cuz that’s not how we work, but from the multitude I’ve read, and now experienced with my uBPDgf … it’s unfortunately how they work.  And it seems we’re hanging in there wanting and waiting for the best … for that ‘life turnaround’ that sets them free and allows them to function as a wholesome person…  But let’s not hold our breath...  

Like I said, mine may be gone, and in the scheme of things …that’s likely for the best with regard to me.  Problem is, she’s never completely gone, just pursuing some desire till reaching another dead end …then searching for me to pick up the pieces.  Hopefully, I won’t be there, I’ve had more than enough.  But with the ties and dynamics of an actual marriage, I can hardly make a call as to where your wife’s headed -- just brace yourself my friend… 

[Surnia]

Samuel

I would say the main question is:

Do you want to continue at least 4 more years like this?

She with her studies and you teaching, writing - don't get me wrong, this is fine that you found your way to keep yourself busy. You tried your part. You feel empty - because this is probably not the kind of marriage you wanted to have. It sounds like roommates to me.