Growing up with my mother

[Juana]

I never knew when or what would trigger the wrath of my mother... .I always felt I was walking on eggshells and have said so before encountering this message board. I was never easy with bringing boyfriends or girl friends home with me. Se was so critical and she could barely contain her anger.  I remember coming home on my first weekend away at college.  She stalked to my room and was furious that I came home. She said that I should have stayed there like others do... .that I must be home just to see "those friends" of mine from high school.  As a result, I felt shame.  About what, I didn't really know.  So, I would ride the bus home on week ends and stay with my boyfriend. I didn't see or talk to my parents for weeks. Many stories like this.  I am beginning to think I suffer from PTSD. My new job has been unpredictable and I have noticed how high my anxiety has been. It is uncontrollable and stymies my activities.

[h0neybadger]

I can relate to this - the unpredictability of never knowing what kind of mood she'd be in that day, or what would set her off next. "Walking on eggshells" is exactly right! And the guilt trips - my mom would have terrifying emotional meltdowns that could last for hours, they would always come back to us not caring about her, not helping her, not caring if she were dead. And my dad never did anything about it.

Growing up in this sort of unpredictable environment, always waiting for the next shoe to drop - that would be anxiety-inducing for anyone. I've had OCD issues for my whole life, but living at home definitely exacerbated it when I was younger. I've had panic attacks over the craziness, my heart races when her name shows up on my phone ringer.

Be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself too harshly for feeling anxious in a new situation. Remember that not everyone is like your mom - I have to remind myself of this at times. Practice deep breathing in a panicky moment. If you haven't already, I would consider therapy to help retrain your emotional reactions and anxieties.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Juana,

Welcome!   It sounds like growing up with your mother was very challenging--my mother has BPD too, and I know the feelings of anxiety you described.

How is your relationship with your mother now? How are you working on your PTSD?

While having a mother with BPD can leave some deep emotional scars, you can heal and lead a happy and productive life. You've found the right place for support, and you'll find other members who can relate to you. There are some good tools here to help you on your healing journey.

Welcome again, and please feel free to join the conversation here! 

-GG