Old surroundings

[Depression = 72% of members]

I read a post here from skip a while back that said something about environment being a factor in processing. I happen to have that problem. I'm in an environment that brings back bad memories and a feeling of sadness. I had been absent from this environment where I spent a good deal of time with my BPDexgf but now I am back. Reminders everywhere. It is a place where I go and work. I make outstanding money here but my emotional state is suffering. If the overwhelming sadness returns I will have no choice but to leave and I want to be able to stay. I had been feeling almost completely better before I returned.

[Perfidy]

I read a post here from skip a while back that said something about environment being a factor in processing. I happen to have that problem. I'm in an environment that brings back bad memories and a feeling of sadness. I had been absent from this environment where I spent a good deal of time with my BPDexgf but now I am back. Reminders everywhere. It is a place where I go and work. I make outstanding money here but my emotional state is suffering. If the overwhelming sadness returns I will have no choice but to leave and I want to be able to stay. I had been feeling almost completely better before I returned.

[Waifed]

I think that environment can definitely be a factor. I worked with my ex and she slept in my bed almost every night for three years. I ruminate about this all of the time. I've considered moving or redecorating my house and I repainted my office. I have thrown away or deleted all pictures. I trashed EVERY SINGLE ITEM that she gave me.  (Ironically, her entire condo was furnished by me including all of her nicknack items)

I try to avoid all of the restaurants, etc. still after 3 months.  It is hard but time will eventually heal all wounds and you will look back and wonder why you ever felt this way

[HarmKrakow]

Why stay in the place what torments you?

You go. Plan your leave.

I have/had the same issues. I have been with PTSD because of this, had EMDR training to work myself through those old trigger spots.

Question yourself. Why stay at something which hurts you? Seriously?

Walking away is the healthy thing. Stop tormenting yourself. And begin again. This is exactly how PTSD is 'born' and can have a huge influence on the daily rituals of life and can obstruct you from having a normal life. Chose for yourself...

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Perfidy, sorry to hear there are so many bad reminders for you in that environment.  

How bad is it for you? I'm trying to visit places that my exBPDgf and I were together a lot and reclaim my right to feel okay about being there. I've been going a little at times when I am pretty sure that I will not run into her. I'm mostly ok but I do have scenarios in my head for what I might do if I run into her.

The one thing that is in my favor is that I have memories with other friends in these places although the most prominent are from spending time with my exgf there.

Does staying busy with your work help keep your mind from straying at all or do you keep coming back to your ex?

[frag1911]

Hey, Perf.  I'm wondering how you're feeling now?  How long have you been out of this r/s?

I've just started my healing in the last few days, so I'm sure to run into this wall that you've found.  I don't know yet how I will handle it, but I'm hoping to just see that these places are just that; places.  

I will go to the same theaters for movies that she and I went to, and some of the same restaurants.  I "think" I've got that all set aside, separated.  The past is the past and memories are just memories, so if I let the memories be just what they are, then I'll start focusing on the new memories I'm making instead.  

That's the plan anyway.  You know the one about plans and first contact with the enemy?

[starshine]

Hey Perf, I have the same issue of being triggered by being in places we were, seeing my old neighborhood (that he now lives in), running into people who had been mutual friends.  It has been a little over 2 years since he imploded our life together- and it still really hurts.  I HATE being reminded of what I had, what I lost- it was so much more than "just" losing our relationship for me.  I lost my home, my neighborhood, my illusion of having a support network and friends.  I can't wait to leave and never come back.  I find that when I travel out of town, my sadness lifts and I almost feel normal again.  Being here, I don't want to meet people- they probably know him (or her- my replacement that was lined up before he dumped me).  I do have a friend who has made it her project to go out to restaurants with me, so I can create new memories.  But really, I just hate it here.  I hate the memories.

[Perfidy]

Thank all of you for replying. I have been here for one day. I was here with her for a year. We had our last interaction in may. Before that I was here alone for about ten months and we were keeping in touch almost every day until march when she informed me that she had met her future husband after an almost eight year relationship with me. We weren't even fighting. She kept quiet about this for I don't really even know how long. For me march 21 of this year. That was the day my place burned to the ground and when I called to tell her that's when she informed me of the new life she had started. I had quite a run of bad luck. I became extremely depressed. Read some of my earlier posts. She was the worst partner I could have ever chosen. Extreme BPD. I really thought the worst was behind us. I believe it is for me now however I am human and I have feelings and thoughts. I was doing great while I was away for about two and a half months. Shortly before that I was feeling like my old happy self. I'm not crying all the time and I haven't in months but it has a profound impact on my state of mind just being here.

[Discovery]

Hi, I'm also being affected by this... .in a weird way... .my r/s was LD - and ALL my DAILY interactions w/ my former partner were from studio/office... .Just seeing my desk, computer and phone are triggers. The second-to-last contact was a Skype where I saw him looking very cold and completely detached from any feeling for me. The last contact was by a very cold, impersonal email which I read in that space. I have been unable to go in this workspace now for 5 weeks. I'm actually not working at all (depression, PSTD).

I know this can't keep going... .I need to resume working, be able to go back in there etc. I am looking right now for a T who can help me work on these triggers.

Another issue is that most of the time I was with my former partner was in his city, where I *thought* I was moving to join him in several months' time. I love that city, was so happy to be moving there, and my daughter will be going there in the summer to start university... .now just the thought of being in that city EVER feels so impossible and painful. I don't know how I'll be able to go there when my daughter is there -- I have millions of memories of he/I in that city in ALL my favorite parts of the city.

And then there is the street in my favorite neighborhood where the apt we got still stands, which we renovated together, and which he is now living in w/o me.

I fantasize about moving to Costa Rica or Bali and starting over completely in a new environment where I have NO PRIOR memories with ANYONE... .




I'd love to hear from other people how they've coped with these things... .it feels right now (6 weeks) impossible to reclaim these spaces w/o the memories showing up constantly.

[Perfidy]

The memories suck. Too much. I am not able to just walk through this. Between this and a contact she made with me about a month ago I am finding myself wanting to check her Facebook or text her or call her. I didn't respond to her contact and blocked her number. I really just want to forget and move on. I haven't been very concerned with her at all for months. I talked with a counsellor today and she said it might not be worth it to stay if it affects me too much. Just the other day I felt like I could handle anything. Especially after I didn't respond to her messages. So weird. Never in my life have I ever experienced anything like this. I have read that we learn our relationships from our parents and I have no idea how that relates to a person that I considered my mate because I never had sex with my parents and the bond is like no other that I have ever experienced plus she was by far the most screwed up GF that I have ever had and I am being nice about that. I have other girls that I have since connected with that I am trying to focus on so I can forget about her. I was doing fine making great progress until I came back here. I have a fantastic income here. Not even money. It's like a crushing force that destroys everything. I couldn't have loved her that much.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Perfidy,

Have you ever researched trauma bonds?  That may have something to do with the way you are feeling.  There is a book reviewed on this site called The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.  Excellent information, but hard to digest.  Peace to you.

[Perfidy]

I have heard the term trauma bond before. Only since I began using this site. I have read about it and Stockholm syndrome. She was abusive with everything. She abused drugs. She abused me. She spit in my face. She hit me. She threw things at me. She verbally abused me. She was using meth,abusing it,abusing me. I wanted her to leave she threatened me. I wanted to call the police she said they would never believe me and I would be thrown out of my own house. In the end I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was scared of her. I was afraid of her. I was afraid to go to sleep. She was prowling around when I would sleep at night. I would wake startled and defensive. I do feel like I have abandoned myself. The world is changed. I have trouble focusing on anything. I was feeling almost normal a couple days ago. I am in tears now. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I am a good person. I don't deserve this. I have been calling all my family again today. Haven't done this in months. It isn't about her but it is. How?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Perfidy,

I am sorry you were abused and are in such pain.  I remember reading a quote from another book on abusive relationships stating that if I feel afraid then I am likely with an abuser.  That sounds so simple, and it is, but it's amazing how many people ignore and justify their own fear (myself included). 

That's not to say we are bad or there is something wrong with us, but I feel it often speaks to a deeper issue, like trauma bonding or Stockholm Syndrome, which sometimes stems from unhealthy relationships and situations we were in as children. 

Do you have a therapist?  A good therapist can identify where some of your struggle and pain is coming from and give solutions to work through it.  It could also be PTSD.  We are not therapists or doctors, however, so I would definitely consult with a therapist.  These relationships can be hell to recover from, but I don't think it is the relationship or our most recent ex, per se.  I think it is often the culmination of a lifetime of experiences and our most recent ex was able to bring a lot of it to a head.  I know that to be true for me. 

So, no, it is not fully my fault or fully my ex's fault.  There have been many players, so to speak.  I am still recovering, but I can say that my situation has improved a lot from a year ago.  However, I still find myself in dark emotional spaces periodically.  I like to say one day at a time.  I must be willing to take a hard look at myself and do some work in order for my life to change.  My very best to you!

Here's an excerpt from Dr. Patrick Carnes on trauma bonding:

"Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causesdeep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.  Like everyone who has loss, the clients have shock and disbelief, fear,loneliness, and sadness. Yet the clients don’t notice because their guard is up.  In their readiness, the clients abandon themselves. Yes, another abandonment.

What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the intensity.  These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called trauma bonds.  Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity."

[Perfidy]

I am facing the memories. I have decided to stand my ground and claim my right to be anywhere that I choose. I think that is the best thing I can do. I am monitoring my behaviors with others. Especially the ones that I am intimate with. For once I am judging people. I have to now. I was told all of my life not to judge others but now I feel like my survival depends on it. I am not rescuing any women currently and I have met some that I felt like doing just that. One in particular I could fall in love with and maybe already have. I let her work through her stuff but I do help her. I don't do it for her but I help her. I could do it for her but I feel like that would ruin our friendship. When I am with her my ex doesn't exist. She is awesome. Smart,talented,artistic,and beautiful. I let her be her. She is a functional adult and not addicted to anything. Rare. She is living on her own from a breakup now for about seven months. She was staying with her sister and recently got her own place. I wanted to give her everything including my home but did not. I did help her move. I am being careful.

[Learning_curve74]

Here's an excerpt from Dr. Patrick Carnes on trauma bonding:

"Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causesdeep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.  Like everyone who has loss, the clients have shock and disbelief, fear,loneliness, and sadness. Yet the clients don’t notice because their guard is up.  In their readiness, the clients abandon themselves. Yes, another abandonment.

What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the intensity.  These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called trauma bonds.  Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity."

Thanks for posting that Phoenix.Rising. It was good to read and understand, though now I feel like throwing up. 

Hey Perfidy, it sounds like from your most recent post you're a little more up and you're looking to stand up to the challenges you're facing, good for you.    At the same time, there is nothing wrong with deciding that the situation of being where you are is not conducive to healing if it comes to that. It's never too late to change your mind if something is unhealthy for you.

I think there is a lot to the info about trauma bonds that applies to many of the people here. It can put us on edge when it comes to future interactions with other people. Perfidy, it sounds that with this new woman you've met that you're being supportive instead of caretaking, which is a distinct difference! Best wishes to you. 

[Perfidy]

Been back at work for a week now. Isolated. No friends. No family. Just work. It is non physical to boot. Depressing environment to an already semi depressed man. Decision time. I make killer money here. I have no human contact. I have to start over every time I go home. I've been doing this for years with no support system. I'm getting tired of it.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thanks for posting that Phoenix.Rising. It was good to read and understand, though now I feel like throwing up. 

Some of the realizations I've had have made me physically ill at times. 

Switching gears, it's ok to take it easy on ourselves and try to have some fun.  I took a long walk with a good friend today.  It was nice.  I am spending less time ruminating and more time living my life.  A lot of these problems work themselves out if I take care of myself.  If I don't take care of myself, well, I tend to stay stuck.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Perfidy,

My two cents: Being close to and involved with a support system is absolutely critical for my recovery.

[starshine]

I agree, Phoenix Rising.  I have had to live in a community where I have felt little friendly or familiar support during this time since the breakup,  only made worse because I have lived here for 15 years.  I thought I had been building community, only to find those I thought of as friends really were just friendly acquaintances.  Discovered in the aftermath of my uBPDexbf dumping me and immediately moving on.  Whoa.  It has been incredibly painful- if I am going to be this lonely I might as well live somewhere that I don't know anyone, but don't have the PTSD around going out and being social.  I have chosen to stay here as the youngest kid still has to graduate from high school.  I am looking forward to going to a new place, relocating near the dearest of friends.  Perfidy, it's important to be where there is loyalty and love for you. I feel that my healing will really kick into gear when I'm some place where I am valued by people who show me in no uncertain terms that they love me.  Not just that they like me and want me to volunteer for their organization. 

I do go out for dinner or lunch dates on occasion, and take fitness classes, and get my nature on, but I want to go out and enjoy the city and downtown.  Unfortunately I live in a kinda small college town, and this town certainly isn't big enough to allow for me the illusion of starting over in a new place. Human contact is imperative for this she-monkey.

This trauma really cut deep- I want to be healthy enough to be in a relationship someday, but wonder if I will ever be able to trust myself around relationship again.  How is it that I missed the signs?  I feel that if I am attracted to someone then they must be bonkers, deep down.  I'm like a magnet for pwpd.