I do not want him back, so why am I so hurt and angry?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When I suspected that my lover was seeing (or at least pursuing) someone else, I broke it off. Then I recycled back into the r/s. I found it difficult to cope without his attention. At the time, I had never heard of BPD.

When I had fairly certain confirmation (from him) that my ex lover was falling for someone else, I ended the relationship. I unequivocally do NOT want him back in my life, so I don't understand why I feel so hurt and angry when I think about him with another woman.

I guess this is where introspection and therapy can help. What was it that drew me into this relationship?

I want my life back after wasting 4 years with him. There are activities I enjoyed before I made this choice to be his lover, but I feel a sort of grayness that I can't seem to shake (I'm borrowing that phrase from another Newbie, waver, I think). On one hand, I am so incredibly relieved to not spend time texting and chatting with him. On the other hand, I miss the attention he showered on me.

Trying to reclaim my life,

Tourmaline

[Tourmaline]

When I suspected that my lover was seeing (or at least pursuing) someone else, I broke it off. Then I recycled back into the r/s. I found it difficult to cope without his attention. At the time, I had never heard of BPD.

When I had fairly certain confirmation (from him) that my ex lover was falling for someone else, I ended the relationship. I unequivocally do NOT want him back in my life, so I don't understand why I feel so hurt and angry when I think about him with another woman.

I guess this is where introspection and therapy can help. What was it that drew me into this relationship?

I want my life back after wasting 4 years with him. There are activities I enjoyed before I made this choice to be his lover, but I feel a sort of grayness that I can't seem to shake (I'm borrowing that phrase from another Newbie, waver, I think). On one hand, I am so incredibly relieved to not spend time texting and chatting with him. On the other hand, I miss the attention he showered on me.

Trying to reclaim my life,

Tourmaline

[Waifed]

I understand what you are saying and I am the same. Even after 3 months I find myself thinking about things like they happened yesterday. She was a flake, liar, and a cheat and I left her. I don't know what causes many of us to think about them.  It pisses me off so bad that I am still trying to move on one day at a time. I want my freakin life back!

[Tourmaline]

Dear Waifed,

Thank you for expressing your thoughts and feelings. Like you, I had interests and was a whole person before I got entangled in this mess (though I must be held accountable for my bad decisions). Let's vow to be kind to ourselves, remember who we were before the chaos, and reclaim our beautiful lives.

Warmly,

Tourmaline

[Waifed]

Thanks Tourmaline

I am going through a mini anger stage right now. Every time I think I have beat this I take a step backwards. 

[MyKryptonite]

I know these feeling all to well, Today I found out threw the grapevine that she is seeing someone else, and posted all over facebook how incredible and sweet he is. She illustrated this by listing things I used to do for her all the time without a thought. I believe she did it hoping one of our mutual facebook friends (all of whom are my real friends) would share the info. It took me directly asking about something and expecting anything but what i heard. I'm told it gets better. I believe it gets better. but it sucks to be going through. I'll post more on my own thread. But I'll say give the healing time and be gentle and compassionate to yourself.

[frag1911]

Hi, Tourmaline.

The easy answer I think is that we just feel pain.  But we have the ability to feel that pain in the first place, unlike most of those we are talking about here.  Not every pwBPD is a bad person waiting for their next victim; we just feel that way from our own experiences.  

First, we have the pain and constant thoughts of "why did he do this to me?" that goes along with betrayal and a loss of love we thought we had.  We have a hole in our hearts, shortness of breath and our chests get tight with anxiety.

Then we flip the coin over and we think "why did I LET this happen to me?" and we go through guilt and remorse for our own actions.  I think those are the hardest to deal with, because we feel absolute responsibility for them, and they ARE ours.

Look at the faces and reactions of those we talk to when we tell even the smallest story about what we went through.  These people can't understand what we're telling them.  The story I tell the easiest that explains the most for my friends and family is about one of her proofs that I was cheating on her.  Her proof was that the back seat of my SUV was folded down.  Everyone I tell this to just looks at me like: uh, and?  what's the rest of it?

There is no rest of it, other than I folded the back seat down to help her with a flat tire on her car and go get a replacement.  But in the week(!) between my helping her with her flat tire and her accusing me, in counseling, of cheating because the seat is folded down, she had put 2 + 2 together and got 17.  

And then come the other questions, like why did I stay if she acted like that?  Well, I don't really know that yet.  I'm still working on it, and I'm 51 years old and I don't have a damn clue, and I beat myself over the head because it becomes the easiest question I start asking myself as well.  I'm intelligent, I'm retired from the military after 26 years, I have 2 college degrees and working on a new one, and I feel like an emotional idiot for falling into this relationship and holding on to it for almost 3 years.

But, I think I'll get over this and just carry on with my life.  If you don't mind a highway metaphor, I've got some more miles to put behind me, so I think I'll just stop at this rest stop for a bit and relax and get myself together, then push on some more.  I know there's going to be a lot more bugs that are going to splatter on my windshield!

[Oliolioxenfree]

When I suspected that my lover was seeing (or at least pursuing) someone else, I broke it off. Then I recycled back into the r/s. I found it difficult to cope without his attention. At the time, I had never heard of BPD.

When I had fairly certain confirmation (from him) that my ex lover was falling for someone else, I ended the relationship. I unequivocally do NOT want him back in my life, so I don't understand why I feel so hurt and angry when I think about him with another woman.

I guess this is where introspection and therapy can help. What was it that drew me into this relationship?

I want my life back after wasting 4 years with him. There are activities I enjoyed before I made this choice to be his lover, but I feel a sort of grayness that I can't seem to shake (I'm borrowing that phrase from another Newbie, waver, I think). On one hand, I am so incredibly relieved to not spend time texting and chatting with him. On the other hand, I miss the attention he showered on me.

Trying to reclaim my life,

Tourmaline

I feel for you.  I know every single emotion you are going through right now because i went through it myself.  I think when you find out there is a replacement it make you question the validity of the entire relationship, and for a lot of us, remaining with a pwBPD, a lot of the relationship was us trying to get the validation we so wanted (at least it was for me).  When you don't get it, it sucks even more.

As far as getting your life back, well you basically just took the first and most important step to doing that.  While you may ruminate on those four years you spent with your ex wondering what was and was not valid, what you can be sure of is that somewhere in the rubble, you'll find that theres usually a lesson or two when the dust settles.

Additionally, remember that when someone cheats or overlaps whether they are disordered or not they do not process their feelings and properly disconnect and heal from the relationship. they TRANSFER onto a new victim.  While right now the replacement may be basking in the honeymoon glow and excitement of their new relationship, theres a good chance that down the road they'll find themselves in a similar predicament that you are currently dealing with.  Overlappers and cheaters don't learn anything from their relationships and blame everyone else.  They think because there is someone new giving them attention that they are free from fault and blame.  Therefore they are DOOMED to repeat the same mistakes.  OVER and OVER and Over.  They are also people who like to press a relationship reset button and start fresh when they are looking for an opt out.  Eventually as you will hear many here say, it snowballs and they wind up doing it to the next person.  I have yet to read a story on here that says "yeah my BPDex had  the greatest life after he cheated on me and discarded me" you'll find more likely stories that they have a string of victims. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if some of us even dated the same person.

remember that you deserve to be treated better and are worth way more.   Be happy you only spent 4 years with this person and not longer.

[bpdspell]

Tourmaline,

You're hurt because you're human. You're hurt and angry because it hurts to love someone who lacks the capacity to treat us well. You hurt because in hindsight you put up with a lot of bullspit and shape shifted yourself to please someone who replaces others without a thought or care about the feelings of others. When the people that we love lack compassion, empathy and reciprocity it HURTS. It's painful. It's like someone taking emotional withdrawals and not putting back deposits. Before you know it your gas tank is empty and your surviving off of fumes.

After three recycles I broke up with my ex and didn't want him back either. His entitlement and bottomless demands were parasitical and nauseating. But I was addicted to the highs and lows of the breakup to makeup cycle. I knew that once things went quiet I'd fall apart. So when I realized how fast he had a replacement lined up it was an intense mixture of envy and rage. God that hurt. I felt utterly disposable and meaningless... .like a peanut tossed over his shoulder.

Deep down I handed this guy my heart and did my best to please him and it hurt like hell for what seem's like a refusal of him not wanting to do the same. I knew nothing of BPD nor Narcissism. I thought mental illness was someone velcro strapped in a straight jacket away from the general public.    Most of us are simply not aware that we were dealing with someone who's emotionally undercooked.

When we look back it's pretty devastating to realize how much our ex's trained us to accept their crumbs while we chased the carrots of mirroring and idealization oping to once again be placed upon the pedestal.

All I can say is try not to be so hard on yourself. These breakups are toxic, complex and hardly ever amicable, mature or reasonable.

What helped me to feel better was to remember how bad he treated me. The new girl (if she gets past the stage of idealization) will get to see what's behind the mask soon enough.

Spell

[waver]

When we look back it's pretty devastating to realize how much our ex's trained us to accept their crumbs while we chased the carrots of mirroring and idealization oping to once again be placed upon the pedestal.

Great post, Spell!

[Lady31]

I agree with waver - great post spell.

[winston72]

Such a great string of posts.  Thank you to all.  I am continually amazed by the clarity of thought and the quality of writing by people who participate on these boards.  Wow.

Having a lover/partner/spouse cheat on you (or "overlap"... .just head that one for the first time!  What a great term!) just really, really hurts.  It has since the beginning of time.  It is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.  No need to question why it hurts, it just does.  And this is true because of the quality of your connection, not the quality of the object of your connection, your lover.

After I learned of my ex's affair, I was in excruciating pain.  I died. I read every book I could find on adultery, recovery from adultery, why people cheat, how to rebuild a relationship... .I was looking for solid ground, a way to stop my world from spinning out of control, even for a way to explain it so it would not hurt so much.  If I could "understand" it, maybe it would not hurt so much. Alas, the hurt only shrunk when I just allowed it to hurt.

There are, of course, complex reasons why we enter relationships with people who are capable of behaving in such a volatile, hurtful manner.  All of this complexity merits careful, slow, thorough examination... .and that as we know is best done in the form of self examination.  No need for me to repeat that it is through the development and growth of self that we find our way our of these times in our lives. 

And I am in the process of this introspection, recovery and growth.  And there is much complexity in my situation... .much!  But as to being cheated on, as to envisioning my ex with another man, well that is pretty simple.  It is awful.  It was wrong.  It just hurts.  And, having finally accepted this, the hurt shrinks and I find myself again.

As a final note, initially and for a long time afterwards, I was more hurt than angry.  I was hurt and then I reflexively looked for answers.  The anger for me was much slower to appear.  I was afraid of it, I think.  Afraid that it would cancel any possibility of recovery for us, or just uncomfortable with my anger.  I have been discovering and allowing my anger to live within me.  It has brought much more clarity to me!  It works much better to highlight the truth than intellectualizing!  It seems like you are pretty healthy as you discuss your twin emotions of "hurt and anger."

[Starlight607]

I agree! Great posts. It is hard to see but they will just repeat behaviours and sadly cause more hurt to their next gf/bf. Thank you to everyone for all your posts. Such a help as, like you all, I try to make sense of everything I experienced in my one and only BPD relationship and rebuild myself. What a journey in life and like a previous post I am supposedly intelligent and approaching 50! Here's to the next 30 years older and wiser?

[goldylamont]

i think the most hurtful thing is the outright betrayal that we have to at some point accept. someone had posted a great article on this site about betrayal and it really put things into perspective. what i took from it is that the person who is betrayed is forced to accept that their version of reality was completely false. so, you are left doubting yourself and your own perceptions; and this can even affect how you view the present and how much you trust yourself to build a future. i am in the same boat of never wanting my ex back, but their poisonous trick is to betray people and inflict as much pain as possible since they're always paranoid that everyone is going to betray them.

if you are healthy and caring, then you project this frame of mind incorrectly onto them, they don't think this way. and if you are BPD/npd, then you project this onto others when they don't think this way.

but we can heal! we will heal! 

[winston72]

GoldyLamont, your summary of betrayal is incisive and biting. Hmm... .I like those two adjectives, so I hope they are appropriate!  Anyway, the truth of your post really helped me. 

Betrayal seems to be a very frequent experience of people who end up on these boards.  It is incredibly damaging to the human spirit, with or without the complicating dynamics of BPD traits.  The process of recovery from intimate betrayals, sexual and emotional, is arduous.  Thank heaven for this site! 

[Oliolioxenfree]

GoldyLamont, your summary of betrayal is incisive and biting. Hmm... .I like those two adjectives, so I hope they are appropriate!  Anyway, the truth of your post really helped me. 

Betrayal seems to be a very frequent experience of people who end up on these boards.  It is incredibly damaging to the human spirit, with or without the complicating dynamics of BPD traits.  The process of recovery from intimate betrayals, sexual and emotional, is arduous.  Thank heaven for this site! 

Betrayal by a loved one is the worst, especially if you already have a fragile self esteem issue going one.

It takes a really long time to get over it and depersonalize the behavior.  I think we all have to realize its NOT ABOUT US. its about them and their choices.  it really has nothing to do with us.  things will get better though.  Stay No contact until you reach indifference. 

[Pretty Woman]

Tourmaline,

I am going through this for the 2nd time this year.  My ex broke up with me over a bad weekend (I was stressed), gaslighted me and is with my replacement a week later ( in actuality that relationship began much sooner).

I too am angry.  Why wouldn't we be? We were used and discarded.  I find myself vacillating between being mad at myself over this and being angry at her. 

The thing is you can't blame yourself for loving someone.  In a normal relationship, a healthy one you usually get some closure not excuses geared towards you. 

Anger is natural and in many ways healthy.  Channel it into journaling.  Keep a record of this time so you can go back and review when there is another attempt at re engagement which for yourself I hope there is not.