Communication as Power Device

[bb12]

I am normally more drawn to the Personal Inventory board these days, but at the risk of continuing to kick the corpse of my long-finished relationship, I was curious to see what reaction I might get to the following:

We can get stuck in understanding as we pick apart the riddle of BPD when we have been discarded so try to frantically make sense of everything. Exhausted by this, we finally turn our attention to ourselves - the one thing we can realistically succeed at understanding.

But as I look back at the death throes of my r/ship, I have decided that the primary indicator of BPD within the relationship was my xBPD's ability to withdraw things that were given abundantly only days before. And the main feature of these, was communication.

Being unable to be truly intimate or to communicate their anxieties or concerns, IMHO a pwBPD withdraws. They already know they have emotionally checked out of the r/ship; and they are also the only ones who know what they have been doing surreptitiously to line up new supply. At this stage, I believe they also need to devalue us (to make leaving easier), so they belittle us and the very characteristics they used to love, in order to make leaving easier (for them). And as we begin to cling more and win back their favour, BAM they are gone. No closure. No explanation. They need to win at all costs. A mutually agreed and decent end to the r/ship is simply not possible for them. They need to have power over or to introduce a level of fear as a last ditch grab for supply on the way out.

My question is this: was there a specific moment in your r/ship before the discard, where things appeared to carry on as normal but meaningful communication had disappeared? Knowing what you do now about Cluster B conditions, can you find a specific moment in your r/ship that served as precursor or lead indicator of what was about to happen? ... .where tactics were used to shift the balance of power in their favour before bailing?

BB12

[fromheeltoheal]

It wasn't a specific moment, it was more a process.  We were both giddy in the beginning, lots of attraction and idealization both ways, enjoyed the hell out of it, the honeymoon period it's called in a normal relationship.  And then as that waned and the realities of a real relationship set in, I kept pushing, I knew where I was going, and loving her all the way was supposed to be enough.  The closer I tried to get, the further she kept away.  I now know that the push/pull nature of the disorder naturaaly caused her to push as I tried to get closer, and I also saw the difference in our maturity levels show up even though we're close in age; she wasn't able to have an adult relationship.

Then, after a recycle, she was cheating on me, I knew it but didn't bring it up just yet, and that manifested as shame from her, which also caused massive frustration, and she was a fcking drag to be around.

So to answer your question, we were getting farther apart for a long time, I was in denial, and she was frutrated and btchy.  What would have made her happy would have been tobe in complete control of me and the relationship, yet keep an emotional distance.  Fck that, so I left.  Yes she was cheating on me but she didn't consider it cheating, and I don't think there was a replacement, just more flings.  She's 46, and I've read untreated BPD gets worse with age, and I think she's figuring out that relationships are just getting more and more intolerable,  and she's lost a lot of her attractiveness.  Who knows, I got my trauma, and got out alive at least.

[Lady31]

bb12 - great post.

This happened in my relationship every time as the "beginning" part of the discard/devaluation phase.  He would start spending more and more time out in his man cave.  Became shorter in phone conversations.  Attempts on my behalf to spend time with her were turned away as he was tired/needed some time to himself.

He always behaved this way for at least a short period of time before he started going into rages, lashing out and blaming me/picking fights.