Am I self-destructing?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Tonight I went on a date.

it was with a guy who I have talked to (as a firend) online on and off for about 8 months who happened to be in my city for 4 nights.

He had expressed interest in me beyond the friendship before and he has been a good friend for the past couple of weeks and knows what I have been going through with the ex over the past 15 days.

The date? Possibly a good idea. However, I bought him home and slept with him. It wasn't revenge sex per se, but it was pretty darn close. I didn't enjoy it at all. It was nice to have someone interested in me, but, I couldn't stop thinking of my ex the whole time. We were amazing sexaully and I kept asking myself if this absence of connection is what he feels with the new woman as they have only known each other for a couple of weeks. So, my pan to sleep with someone to purge my bosy and my mind of him has backfired ... I am not ready to move on ... not even a little bit.

I have, however, stopped engaging with the ex at home ... I make the minimum gesture/s of 'hello', then avert my eyes and retreat to my room ... .I am holding it together at work, just, but the nanosecond that I am away, he floods my head once again and the pain envelopes me ... I tried sex to self-medicate but, apparently, that doesn't work for those of us with real, ongoing feelings. All it has done is made me wonder if I will ever, EVER find that connection again ... .I am drinking and having unprotected sex ... .my humiliation seems to know no bounds.

[damage control]

Tonight I went on a date.

it was with a guy who I have talked to (as a firend) online on and off for about 8 months who happened to be in my city for 4 nights.

He had expressed interest in me beyond the friendship before and he has been a good friend for the past couple of weeks and knows what I have been going through with the ex over the past 15 days.

The date? Possibly a good idea. However, I bought him home and slept with him. It wasn't revenge sex per se, but it was pretty darn close. I didn't enjoy it at all. It was nice to have someone interested in me, but, I couldn't stop thinking of my ex the whole time. We were amazing sexaully and I kept asking myself if this absence of connection is what he feels with the new woman as they have only known each other for a couple of weeks. So, my pan to sleep with someone to purge my bosy and my mind of him has backfired ... I am not ready to move on ... not even a little bit.

I have, however, stopped engaging with the ex at home ... I make the minimum gesture/s of 'hello', then avert my eyes and retreat to my room ... .I am holding it together at work, just, but the nanosecond that I am away, he floods my head once again and the pain envelopes me ... I tried sex to self-medicate but, apparently, that doesn't work for those of us with real, ongoing feelings. All it has done is made me wonder if I will ever, EVER find that connection again ... .I am drinking and having unprotected sex ... .my humiliation seems to know no bounds.

[damage control]

Sorry about the typos ... I am sitting in the dark as I cannot bear to see my own reflection and, I have had a couple of drinks. I feel like a ballon without a string ... just floating away with nobody to catch me.

[Surnia]

Hi damage control

Bad situation - being drunk and sitting in the dark. 

Please stop drinking now. Perhaps you can drink some water. Later when you are dry, we can sort it out.

What about some sleep?

[fromheeltoheal]

I've done all those things.  When a relationship ends, especially an abusive one, there are lots of strong emotions involved good and bad, and we do what we do to try and get by.

Nothing wrong with everything you did, just don't create more wreckage moving forward, like the guy you slept with, don't let him believe it's something it isn't.  And of course the drinking; I was drinking 4 or 5 nights a week after I left my ex, knowing full well it isn't a solution, but it sure worked in the short term.  Fortunately I didn't go to jail or hurt anyone, but my health did start to suffer, and after a while it was time to look elsewhere for answers.

I notice you've only been here a few days, and it sounds like your break-up is brand new and you're still communicating with him.  It's a long path but a fruitful one, and you could have done a lot of things other than post here, so good for you, keep talking, and stay strong.

[Calm Waters]

Hi Damage Control, you are putting yourself at risk, sex like any other drug can become addictive, and whilst more benign than alcohol or recreationsl drugs does carry significant risk to your health. Appart from the that shagging your way oit of this wont help as you may find you feel ashamed of yourself which is at the core of all of our damage BPD or not. You will find love agian, real love that is, you have to trust that that will happen and give yourself time to heal. Take care

[Lady31]

Aww DC.  Take care of yourself.     Yeah, drinking and meaningless sex will only make feel more empty. 

Tomorrow is another day.  Scratch that off your list of things to try and just go forward.

You are going to get through this.

[damage control]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I wanted you all to know that posting here last night - and seeing your responses stopped me from making a serious mistake - I wasn't drunk, but I had had a few drinks and I was feeling so bad after the sex that I just craved the ex like crazy. I actually contemplated going to him and crawling into his bed with him, just to feel his arm around me and to rest with his breathing in my ear.

But, I didn't.

And that is progress ... .you have no idea.

So, again, thanks to you all

[Surnia]

You are welcome, DC! 

Good you are better now.

[damage control]

Thanks Surnia.

Tough, tough day today.

I am trying to deal with the fact that no matter how much I would like it to be so, I am not like him, I cannot simply 'exchange' one person for another. I am not ready to date, I am REALLY not ready for anything sexual and I still want and crave him.

It took every pounce of self-dicipline to go to work today - I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cry for myself, but I did it. Unfortunately, he was in my mind all day ... I don't know why this past weekend (with him spending 2 nights with her) has thrown me so badly but it has.

Reading here, and other sites about BPD helps de-personalise and after the way I have reacted/responded/treated him, we are now barely on speaking terms - I think this is healthier than continuing the freindship as though nothing had happend ... that was killing me.

He currently has his door closed which means he is in a 'private' skype session - I know his habits.

Today I remembered that about 6 weeks before our split, he was helping me with a problem I was having with my housemate- I thanked him and he replied that I "needed to get used to having someone in my life who cares" ... such disregard for the ramifications fo their words and tha pain and anguish they cause when they shut down and switch off.

I feel better about being able to ignore him, but worse about the situation. I guess this will continue for a little while. But, I will get through this. I am promising myself that I will not be swallowed whole by the wound he has left. I will not let him win.

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks Surnia.

Tough, tough day today.

I am trying to deal with the fact that no matter how much I would like it to be so, I am not like him, I cannot simply 'exchange' one person for another. I am not ready to date, I am REALLY not ready for anything sexual and I still want and crave him.

It took every pounce of self-dicipline to go to work today - I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cry for myself, but I did it. Unfortunately, he was in my mind all day ... I don't know why this past weekend (with him spending 2 nights with her) has thrown me so badly but it has.

Reading here, and other sites about BPD helps de-personalise and after the way I have reacted/responded/treated him, we are now barely on speaking terms - I think this is healthier than continuing the freindship as though nothing had happend ... that was killing me.

He currently has his door closed which means he is in a 'private' skype session - I know his habits.

Today I remembered that about 6 weeks before our split, he was helping me with a problem I was having with my housemate- I thanked him and he replied that I "needed to get used to having someone in my life who cares" ... such disregard for the ramifications fo their words and tha pain and anguish they cause when they shut down and switch off.

I feel better about being able to ignore him, but worse about the situation. I guess this will continue for a little while. But, I will get through this. I am promising myself that I will not be swallowed whole by the wound he has left. I will not let him win.

You do realize it's normal to feel crap after being "mentally" abused? Don't beat yourself up to much. It would be strange if you could throw this all over your shoulder and continue your life like nothing happened.

[Learning_curve74]

Hang in there dc. One day at a time. Everybody, rich or poor, happy or sad, can only live one day at a time. Like you said, you'll get through this, you are strong enough. 

[saw_tooth]

Hi crazy,

You are in the first stage of grieving a breakup and are hence inclined to take drastic and impulsive measures like drinking and having unprotected sex.

They won't help you to ease the pain,will merely take your mind off it for a bit.

A permanent solution is to be honest with yourself and accept the fact that you were in a relationship with someone disordered and hence it couldn't have lasted.After you accept this,things sure will get better.

Give yourself time,get a T if possible or surround yourself with friends.Venting here helps too.

Good luck,take care.

[Surnia]

Hi DC

Great you found so much self discipline to go for work. 

This could be a goal: Being stable at work, so you can perhaps afford some T sessions in the near future.

Little steps. 

[damage control]

You do realize it's normal to feel crap after being "mentally" abused? Don't beat yourself up to much. It would be strange if you could throw this all over your shoulder and continue your life like nothing happened.

HarmKrow

I do realise this yes. But realising it intellectually and feeling it emotionally are two very different things right?

You are right, it would be strange if I could just feel like nothing has happened ... but oh, how I wish I could.

[damage control]

Hi crazy,

You are in the first stage of grieving a breakup and are hence inclined to take drastic and impulsive measures like drinking and having unprotected sex.

They won't help you to ease the pain,will merely take your mind off it for a bit.

A permanent solution is to be honest with yourself and accept the fact that you were in a relationship with someone disordered and hence it couldn't have lasted.After you accept this,things sure will get better.

Give yourself time,get a T if possible or surround yourself with friends.Venting here helps too.

Good luck,take care.

Thanks

The drinking helps a little - the sex? Not going there again anytime soon.

I can't surround myself with friends as I moved across the country to be near this man just a few weeks ago.

No, it couldn't have lasted - actually, as I typed that my mind was revolting against it ... I am stunned that it couldn't have lasted ... I still don't fully understand what happened - we were fine, no arguments, no fights, sex was great ... he just went into what I now know was BP panic and ran straight to the next woman who said yes to a date rather than try to sort things with me. I was discarded without a second thought ...

[damage control]

Hi DC

Great you found so much self discipline to go for work. 

This could be a goal: Being stable at work, so you can perhaps afford some T sessions in the near future.

Little steps. 

Surnia.

I have only tried therapy a few times before. I think I need it, I think that the baggage that I brought to this relationship needs to be addressed so this doesn't ever happen again ... I also need help to get through this as I don't really seem to be getting better.

Yes, I am able to ignore him and/or just say hello.

Yes, I no longer feel compelled to look on his computer when he isn't home (I did that every day for a week in the the first week because I was trying desperately to see what had happened/when he met the new woman etc)

But, he is still in my head all day, every day and I cannot make it stop. Today I will try to swat him away like the annoyance that he is.

Last night, I ran into him in the kitchen - I just said hello and he gave me ths big "Hey!" ... like his life is just so, so wonderful and as he had just been skyping with this woman, he was so, so, happy ... it made me feel sick. I went straight to bed/sleep after that ... sleep is bliss.

[HarmKrakow]

You do realize it's normal to feel crap after being "mentally" abused? Don't beat yourself up to much. It would be strange if you could throw this all over your shoulder and continue your life like nothing happened.

HarmKrow

I do realise this yes. But realising it intellectually and feeling it emotionally are two very different things right?

You are right, it would be strange if I could just feel like nothing has happened ... but oh, how I wish I could.

The emotional and intellectual senses are connected. They might feel a bit lose now, and sometimes float a bit away from each other, but I can assure you, eventually they will become linked again as a strong bond.

[MammaMia]

Dc

Since you live in the same house as your ex, did it ever occur to you that bringing the new man home would be noticed by others who might mention it to him?  People can be stupid that way.

I wonder if subconsciously, this was revenge sex.   

It happened, it is done... .move on.  Since your date is someone you have known  for a while, I suspect he will be contacting you again.  If you are not ready for a relationship with him (or anyone else), you should be honest and let him know.

You are single.  You have rights.  Quit beating yourself up. 

[damage control]

Dc

Since you live in the same house as your ex, did it ever occur to you that bringing the new man home would be noticed by others who might mention it to him?  People can be stupid that way.

I wonder if subconsciously, this was revenge sex.   

It happened, it is done... .move on.  Since your date is someone you have known  for a while, I suspect he will be contacting you again.  If you are not ready for a relationship with him (or anyone else), you should be honest and let him know.

You are single.  You have rights.  Quit beating yourself up. 

Hey MM

Although we are in the same house, I am at the other end of the house - the date and I also came home late - when everyone else is asleep and my bedroom has it's own entrance so, we didn't go through the front door - I also told the date that he couldn't sleep over so, he left about 2am (and we were very, very quiet) - I did not want my ex to know, not at all. If I am honest, part of that is because I do not want him to think that it is ok for him to bring the new woman home.

Was it revenge sex? No ... my ex is the first/only man I have slept with in  8 years and part of my loss is connected to that - we had great, intense sex. I was trying to show myself that he isn't the only man in the world to have sex with - major backfire there are it turns out because sex with the new guy was so damn awful!

The new guy is aware of what I have just been through, knows I am not ready for anything and he was only in this city for a few days so, I have no worries about leading him on in any way.

Thanks for your input

[MammaMia]

DC

Yes, I was concerned that your ex would start bringing the new woman home out of spite. 

   

Thanks for clearing that up. 

[damage control]

Actually MM

He isn't being or acting 'spiteful' and neither am I ... it is so strange. I don't think he sees anything really wrong, weird or disrespectful about what he is doing/has done.

He can understand that I was upset, but he is not able to understand why - he just does not see it.

He would bring the other woman around if I was ok with it - but not if I wasn't, not because he understands but because he understands that 'conventionally' it just isn't done.

If that makes sense.