Losing sense of self

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it common to lose one's sense of self worth in a relationship with a BPD? 

I just ended a relationship with a high functioning BPD again and am now struggling with my own sense of self worth.

I'm torn between self preservation and extreme guilt for leaving and it's really hard, even with therapy. On one hand I understand we all have a right to live our lives in a way that is free of emotional trauma but it's hard not feeling like a bad person for it either.

I've only had one relationship with a BPD in my life and I can't believe how difficult it is picking myself up and dusting off after this break up. Especially because I'm the one doing the breaking up, yet I wanted out.

[Jadam12]

Is it common to lose one's sense of self worth in a relationship with a BPD? 

I just ended a relationship with a high functioning BPD again and am now struggling with my own sense of self worth.

I'm torn between self preservation and extreme guilt for leaving and it's really hard, even with therapy. On one hand I understand we all have a right to live our lives in a way that is free of emotional trauma but it's hard not feeling like a bad person for it either.

I've only had one relationship with a BPD in my life and I can't believe how difficult it is picking myself up and dusting off after this break up. Especially because I'm the one doing the breaking up, yet I wanted out.

[Jadam12]

One thing that is hard is being overcome by fear and guilt.  Guilt for ending it and fear of her future responses.  Crazy stuff indeed.

[Hazelrah]

I'm sure plenty of people will be able to agree with your observation regarding loss of self-worth in the midst of a relationship with a pwBPD... .

Personally, my own sense of self-worth was quite high during my marriage, but that's likely because my BPD wife is a waif as opposed to being high-functioning, and I took great pride in being a rescuer/caretaker 100% of the time.  When she left, my self-worth plummeted until I really began to look at her behaviors more closely, and I began to understand what drew me in, kept me planted in a relationship with someone who seemed so helpless, yet was obviously not so very helpless since she was able to walk out on a marriage at the drop of a hat.  As a result, my self-worth is improving... .slowly, but it is happening.

Borderlines can exhaust us whether they end the relationship or we do.  I don't mean that in a resentful way--there are simply so many emotional intricacies to these relationships that it is bound to be debilitating, whether we are walking away first or not.

Hang in there, Jadam12... .time will help with the healing.

[Vibration]

Hello Jadam, I believe I was in a relationship with an upwBPD for the first seven months of this year. He certainly had many traits of that nature. We went from idolising each other when we first met to him becoming very distant and cold.

Throughout this time, I threw myself completely into the relationship, ignored all the warning signs about how odd he was (especially with his family and friends) seeing his behaviour instead as quirky and loving the fact he lavished so much attention on me thinking I must have been special to him!

Because I was falling for him in a big way, I came up with excuses not to look for a new job, not to go to the gym, not to catch up with my friends, not to do much exercise and not to pursue other interests. Part of this may well have been the flush of a new relationship for me but, added to the snide criticisms I tolerated towards the end of the relationship, I came out of it having been dumped feeling pretty darn rotten about myself. Especially comparing myself to him when everything he did had to be 'perfect.'

What I take from this is to never pour myself totally into a relationship, certainly not in the early stages, and to hold something in my life back for me that keeps me separate. I will also be listening to my own emotions and warning signs in the future and valuing them above the other person.

There is no failure but the failure to try and the measure of success is how we deal with disappointment, as we must.

[Waifed]

They can destroy your self worth. 3 months out of a 3 year relationship that I ended and it is still paralyzing some days. It is like nothing I have ever been through in my life. It is ridiculous to feel this way due to the actions of another person, even though I was the enabler. This has changed my entire outlook on life and the ability to trust others.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I felt guilty when I left my borderline too.  It took a while to realize that it was always all about her, a full time job with overtime, with my role as fixer and caretaker, and that was the core of the relationship, a loaded bond.  To leave meant to deny her that caretaking, which is the exact opposite of what my heart was committed to.  Of course step back a moment and realize that a healthy relationship is a 50/50 partnership, my needs were ignored by both of us, plus I was being abused, and leaving was absolutely the right thing to do, but the heart still hurts, which was a conflict that took a while to resolve.

And then the self esteem part.  My borderline systematically attacked my self esteem at every turn, which blindsided me after the idealization phase, when everything was awesome.  She did it because she didn't like or care about herself, so beating me down to her level in her head was the only option she saw, being a little kid emotionally.  My part was I tolerated it longer than I should have, but not that long, and yes, it has taken awhile to get my mojo back.

[careman]

Is it common to lose one's sense of self worth in a relationship with a BPD? 

Jadam !

Check this out: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187665.0;topicseen

/Careman

[winston72]

Whoa!  Your post and the following thread is super helpful, Careman.  Thank you.