Maintaining my own employment

[empath]

I guess it was last year that I noticed a behavioral pattern in my uBPDh. I was employed as a temporary seasonal worker, and I ended up being late every time that I had to go to work while he was still at home. It was always a 'conversation' that 'we' were having (he is usually the one that keeps going on... .) or another interaction. I started remembering that he very often has issues when I am working. He has used porn while I was working; 'forgotten' huge chunks of my employment history; refused to make his own dinner while I'm working and become angry at me for not fixing it. He says that he 'supports' my working, but I'm not sure how much because his actions seem to indicate some issues.

Anyway, I've noticed the behavior beginning again after starting a new position. I said something about what I noticed before I left today. In the past 3 days, he has done different things that resulted in my being late for various responsibilities.

If I cut him off while he is talking, he gets a bit upset (saying things like, "I just wanted to talk to you" or "I wanted to 'connect' with you because you are gone so much" -- he doesn't have this need when he is gone, though). He has turned off the alarm clock, too. Then when I get upset, he says that I should have known or gotten up 'on time'... . 

I'm wondering if you all have successfully addressed this kind of thing? And if so, how?

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[sadeyes]

I have the very same issues. I have done the following in the past. I don't really think they are working on the problem, but they have helped me get by.

1. I always move up times for things by his 'late factor' Even if I just sit in my car for a few minutes because I arrived early. Gives me a few minutes to chill out.

Food is a HUGE problem here. I always try to make sure there is an easy fix available to him. Leftover, sandwich whatever.

3. Employer policy is ALWaYS no phone usage at work. If not I get 20 or 30 calls... .Turn phone off when necessary.

Maybe someone else will have better answers

[waverider]

Make a point of sitting down for "a chat" when you get in from work and put a boundary around morning chit chat. Make sure you leave on time regardless of what he wants to talk about. If you dont, you will get pressure at work which wil lead to resentment.

Try not to worry about what he does when you are at work you can't control that.

Sadeyes idea  about a "buffer" time is good. If only to take the pressure off you and allow you to refocus.

Part of it is a jealousy of you having an outside life when he doesn't.

[empath]

These 'chats' can run an hour or more of mainly monologue. Right now, we are working opposite shifts for the next week and a half; I'm working evenings. So, talking after I get home isn't something he wants to do. But, his job allows him to have a good amount of 'home office' time right now, so it's not like we are always in two different locations. But, he waits to start these 'chats' until I am preparing to leave. I pretty much figure that if he makes bad choices when I'm gone, they are his problem, not mine.

He hasn't gotten upset about dinner in long time. He has recognized that he is perfectly capable of preparing dinner. The alarm clock thing drives me crazy, though. I've been trying to figure out a way to take control of that without triggering his negative thinking. He has been untrustworthy in this area, and it is likely to bring up the feelings of being called 'irresponsible'.

He is trying hard to work on the whole jealousy thing because he knows,, at least cognitively, that I need to work and be 'different' from him. It is emotionally hard for him, though.

[an0ught]

Hi empath,

It is not unusual for a person to feel slightly abandoned when a loved one leaves. Instincts then lead to clinging. Young children struggle mighty and often a "transitional object" (sounds fancy but is aka stuffed toy animal) is used to manage that issue for a while until sufficient self soothing capability is developed. Of course some validation in the direction of abandonment (lonely etc.) can sooth him a little but won't solve the problem. He is older and needs to learn to behave as an adult. And the best way to help him is to consistently expect that from him and treat him as one. Being strict about your behavior can to a degree shape his behavior but leaves the freedom to adapt to him. Freedom outside the area protected by your reasonable boundaries. Respecting, not controlling him. Respecting yourself.

These 'chats' can run an hour or more of mainly monologue. Right now, we are working opposite shifts for the next week and a half; I'm working evenings. So, talking after I get home isn't something he wants to do. But, his job allows him to have a good amount of 'home office' time right now, so it's not like we are always in two different locations. But, he waits to start these 'chats' until I am preparing to leave. I pretty much figure that if he makes bad choices when I'm gone, they are his problem, not mine.

He is interfering with your work. This is clearly a case for boundaries (as is pestering you at work with calls). So as a first step you may want to work through how important this is to you and what values you are trying to protect. Then think about what price you are willing to pay in order to defend the boundary. Telling him that you are now going to be more sticking to a regular schedule is a polite thing to do (S.E.T. pattern - see workshops comes handy here) but don't expect telling to make much of a difference... .

... .when it comes to boundaries your ACTIONS matter. Consistently leaving and accepting that he is totally upset by it is likely required. Probably will cause an extinction burst with escalating behavior on his side testing your resolve. See workshops on boundaries. For the first ones it good to have all the background and to be prepared.

If I cut him off while he is talking, he gets a bit upset (saying things like, "I just wanted to talk to you" or "I wanted to 'connect' with you because you are gone so much" -- he doesn't have this need when he is gone, though). He has turned off the alarm clock, too. Then when I get upset, he says that I should have known or gotten up 'on time'... . 

The alarm clock is a tough one and while possible may be a bit more difficult to address with boundaries. Possibly you could use the DEARMAN pattern that is used to negotiate changed behavior. Another and simpler option is to use S.E.T. with S=understanding E=his emotions T=description of the worst case problems that loom (don't minimize them) for you if late.

[allibaba]

Empath,

I posted on this topic this morning before I even saw your post.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213495.0

Check it out.

[bpbreakout]

Your post resonated with me as my BPDw often likes to raise important issues at really inappropriate times one of them the regular ones is when I am leaving for work or and/or taking one of the kids to school.

She also has major issues if I set the alarm clock for early in the morning (though thinks nothing of coming to bed late and turning the bedroom light on after I have gone to bed ! but that's another story). We have had endless and pointless arguments about alarm clocks for a long time. In the end I bought myself a cheap plastic watch with an alarm in it. It's not very loud and if it's on my wrist I'm the only one that can really hear it in the morning.

Seems that one of the frustrations with this condition is that you can't have a reasonable discussion or negotiation over shared things like alarm clocks and you are constantly looking for little ways of quietly getting on with your life without unnecessary impediments.

Good luck with the job

[waverider]

Dont share alarm clocks. I use my mobile phone alarm, which is kept under my pillow. Set it also with a second alarm which is set for your leave the house now time.

[sunshine40]

I second (or third) that advice. I have my own alarm clock. It has worked out for me for years.

My uPBDh also likes to start his insecurity complex conversations as either he or I need to leave for work/ school. Eventually he moved past this beahvior, UNLESS we had an argument the night before... .sometimes  even then he moves past it, but it took years for him to get there.

Kudos to you for him learning he could feed himself. I wish that existed in my house.

Just keep going. It sounds as if you are slowly progressing, and if he can move beyond the food issue (at least most of the time) he can move past the conversation at inappropriate times.

I have said in the past to my sweetie I love you and would love to hear about this, but now is not a good time.

My other advice is to date each other. Set apart that time that is exclusively FOR him. That smooths out some insecurities as well. (usually).

Good luck!

-Sun

[allibaba]

You have lots of good advice Sun!

Kudos to you for him learning he could feed himself. I wish that existed in my house.

One thing I will say is that I NEVER thought that my husband would move past the food issue... .  he's a picky eater + diabetic + gluten intolerant + high metabolism... .but guess what amazingly, he's responsible for his own food these days PHEW.  It was the WORST issue in our house for many, many years... .

[empath]

So, I managed to complete the job successfully. After I brought up the issue of his trying to start conversations as I was leaving, he decided to stop doing that. (I think the treatment of his depression helped with the process) And he set the alarm appropriately. This is a good thing... . 

However, after week 2 of the 3 week project, we had a conversation in which he mentioned something in passing that was troublesome. I think he may have been considering another of his poor coping choices as a way to manage his loneliness and emptiness.