My success is another nail in her coffin

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have to believe that in a 'normal' relationship, when one partner is happy and successful, the other is happy for them.  Heck, even tries to be supportive.

Not in my BPD dominated relationship.  I recently got a great job.  Her reaction was her saying that I don't need her anymore.  I also lost about 20 pounds and that was an indication that I was leaving her or cheating.  Just craziness all around.

She is a wet blanket when it comes to good things happening to me.  I am very supportive of her positives in life.  Her reaction to her getting good things is that she doesn't deserve what is happening or that people will hate her for good things in her life.

WTH?  How do I remedy this?  So far no luck in pointing out that she does deserve good things and it is nobody else's business.

[PuzzledMate]

I have to believe that in a 'normal' relationship, when one partner is happy and successful, the other is happy for them.  Heck, even tries to be supportive.

Not in my BPD dominated relationship.  I recently got a great job.  Her reaction was her saying that I don't need her anymore.  I also lost about 20 pounds and that was an indication that I was leaving her or cheating.  Just craziness all around.

She is a wet blanket when it comes to good things happening to me.  I am very supportive of her positives in life.  Her reaction to her getting good things is that she doesn't deserve what is happening or that people will hate her for good things in her life.

WTH?  How do I remedy this?  So far no luck in pointing out that she does deserve good things and it is nobody else's business.

[Wrongturn1]

PM: I had the exact same thing happen to me when I got a great job about 15 years ago (that was very unhelpful).  I don’t think there’s much you can do to remedy that type of situation.  BPD’s seem to operate in some kind of a “net-zero” universe, where a positive happening to you represents a negative happening to them.  It has actually gotten to the point for me that I dread having to tell my uBPDw any good news: getting a huge bonus paycheck at work; setting a personal record in a 5-k run; successfully finishing a home improvement project…all these things can push her into dysregulation, fearing that I will leave her, resenting my good fortune, fearing her own future potential failures, etc. 

Maybe the next time it happens to me, I’ll just pretend she said “congratulations, honey, that’s great!” 

[PuzzledMate]

Thanks for your reply Wrongturn... .

Does your wife ever say 'Must be nice' whenever someone has a good event or happening?  I got a new car and she said 'must be nice' when I got it.  Even though she sat next to me the whole time I was negotiating.

This is another thing, if something bad is happening or she perceives that someone is mistreating her, she says 'I must deserve it or they wouldn't be doing it to me'.  That sentence is so full of wrong but I have stopped even acknowledging it.  I tell her to blow them off or try to get over the bad occurrence.  Then she gets mad at me for not caring enough.  I care but there is nothing I can do about others' actions.  Sigh.

I am not feeling too good about the future of my marriage. 

[popeye6031]

Hi Puzzlemate,

Sorry to hear of your dilemma.

I can certainly relate to some of the things you said.

My fiancee will react badly when good things happen to me or I do anything to improve myself.  I usually get the question if I am doing things to improve myself it to attract for other women, or dysregulates when something good happens to me as she thinks I will leave or it puts up some sort of barrier between us.

How long have you been married and have things always been this way for you, even before getting married?

Hope you stick around here to get as it will surely help.

[PuzzledMate]

Hi Popeye,

I have been married almost 7 years I think?  .  been with her 9.  It was not this way before I was married.  She was on board with everything and vice versa.  I am a great husband, father and friend.  I don't have any bad habits or even drink.  I always come home on time to my family.  I cook, clean and run the finances.  I give her nightly foot rubs and sometimes more with the no expecations or ulterior motives.  I get up in the night with our son who is 19 months if he needs something.  I take him to daycare and pick him up 3 days a week.  I pull my weight.

So, even the way I am intimidates her.  I once surprised her on a Saturday when she had to work by cleaning the house entirely and doing the yardwork ahead of time.  Her response when she got home was 'I can't keep up with you' and she slinked upstairs to take a shower after HER long day.  I had a long day too but I was still happy to see her!

I think I am wasting my time most days. 

My neighbor who is a close female friend said I am the last of the good guys.  She describes me in so many good ways but I think I was starting to believe my wife's view of me more.  I am a control enthusiast (nice way of calling me a control freak), too smart, too handsome, too funny and a liar for telling her that I am attracted to her.  It just doesn't jive with what people tell me.  I feel like I am the cause of all of her problems.  I feel like a burden  :'(

[Wrongturn1]

PM: Usually I don't get the "it must be nice" line immediately from her; she typically waits until she's plenty dysregulated and ranting to point out how  I ALWAYS succeed and she ALWAYS fails (not correct of course, but it's what she believes in that moment). 

About the following statement you made: "I feel like I am the cause of all of her problems.  I feel like a burden", I can totally relate, and that's exactly how I felt before I learned about BPD and started using the tools from this forum and the SWOE book.  A couple of things to keep in mind:

1) People with BPD are skilled at blaming their partners for all of their unhappiness.  However, BPD is a severe mental illness, and you can't rely on the assessment of someone who is severely mentally ill.  Just because she says you are the cause of her problems does not mean that is true.  The truth is that her problems are rooted in BPD, which you did not cause and do not have the ability to cure.

2) In a marriage or any other chosen relationship, you are responsible for 100% of your 50% contribution to the relationship.  To me, it sounds like you are giving 100% (if not more than that) of your half to the relationship.  If your wife remains unhappy even after you give 100% of your 50%, it's probably because she is an unhappy person, not because you are a burden.

[PuzzledMate]

Thank you, that is a great way to looking at it.  I am not looking to cure her anymore, I just want to create an all inclusive and safe environment for her to be able to heal.  I don't want to feed into the illness, I want to enable her in a good way.

I feel, more so lately, that all of my efforts are going to waste.  I know a lot of people go through phases of feeling unappreciated but at this point is has become cultural for her.  My back was killing me last weekend and instead of saying 'oh, I'm sorry.  What can I do to help?' or something of that sort, instead she said 'If I rubbed your back more like the wife you deserve you wouldn't have so many aches and pains.'  But, of course, she didn't do anything to help me and when I sat down to rest for a while she asked me how long I would be in my chair.  She wanted me to get her a phone charger.  She said she was too fat and lazy to get up so if I was going to be getting up soon, it would be doing her a favor.

I can't deal with that kind of thinking.  It's like she has given in to her illness and it's up to me to show her the value she has.  I can't do that anymore.  I'm exhausted and I have a lot of loose ends of my own to take care of.  I have put my needs on the back burner for far too long.  Life is short and I don't want to live her life for her.   

[Wrongturn1]

It's like she has given in to her illness and it's up to me to show her the value she has.  I can't do that anymore. 

Agreed, not a healthy thing for you (living your life for the purpose of showing her she has value)... .and even if you put your whole life into that goal, it will never be successful b/c the BPD is an un-fillable black hole of need. 

That said, and after reading your intro post, before you dissolve the marriage, have you made all the radical changes that you have the ability to make in terms of boundaries, disengaging, etc.?  As you have likely observed around here, BPD spouses often make significant improvements after we nons take steps to get healthy.  Just something to consider as I'm sure it would be difficult for you to deal with 2 mentally ill ex-wives.

[hergestridge]

I'm a musician on a hobby basis and I've been fairly successfull through the years. However, I have to keep it all away from my BPD wife. She's plain uncomfortable around me when I make music and can't keep herself from expressing it. If she's around listening to my music it's like she can't keep herself from snide comments like "... .is it supposed to sound like that?". I almost never sing anymore because we used to live small apartments and my wife used to complain that there was some sort of frequency in my voice that is grating to her ears (!). I know very well what she's thinking, because he hates it when other people sing and play and especially "... .___holes who think they can sing" (noone is a good enough singer). And as she demands my presence 24/7, rehearsing became a problem.

Another thing that triggers her is whenever I get on a stage. She freaks out. Once she just broke down crying, feeling abandoned. At other times, she's sought the attention of other men in the room just to make me jealous and get my attention as I'm on stage performing.

I have explained to her from day 1 (20 years ago now) that my music is the most important thing in my life. And I have explained it over and over. Her response is weird, because she just keep asking me why, insinuating that she assumed was going to quit music "... .because it doesn't seem to be going very well" and stuff like that (this being when I had just had records released internationally to good response).

Same thing with the dayjob (office work). For a while I was promoted to a positon of semi-manager, and she hated that. Didn't want to talk about it. She thinks bosses are asss basically.

What she really likes is for me to come home and tell her abour promblems that have occured at work. I must be the "underdog" and the bad guy must be a "boss". She can identify with that, and whenever I'm closing in on that scenario she lights up a little bit.

She doesn't like the idea of success much, and I have discussed with her how she depicts happiness. She doesn't really know. She's so driven by her feelings, her life is like it's on auto pilot. And she drains my self-confidence like a black hole sometimes.

Now I tell her almost nothing about my music or about my dayjob. It does wonders in some areas, but there's not so much left to talk about really.