something my son said this morning

[csswift]

I know this isn't about parenting after the slip,  but wasn't sure where to put this.  Our son has had some problems controling his tempter with his mother and me especially.  It rarely goes beyond us though.  We have had in counselling for just over a year now.  By the way for those who haven't read my post from long ago my son is 6.  Any way the counselor said something interesting that I wanted to share.  Shae stated that my son doesn't seem to have wrong with him persa, but his temper is a product of his enviroment.  Meaning if I want to see the best chances for change in him, I may have to create a better enviroment for him.  Well twice over the weekend and once yesterday after is last appointment, he had temper tauntrum and looked at me with teary eyes and said he was trying to control himself.  I told him I was proud of him and I hugged him and told him I love him very much.  Anyway the part I have a question about is what he said this morning.  We all three rode together to school and work.  My wife and I are still together and he goes to the school she teaches at.  We were rushing to get out of the house and my wife was upset  because she couldn't find her hat and mittens. Then she raises her voice toward him and that starts setting him off.  I rush him out the door to sperate them for a little bit before we all get in the car.  He looks at me and said Daddy that is why I don't want to argue, because to hurt each other and then nobody says that love other anymore.  I couldn't tell the last time my wife and I said we loved each other.  Just made me stop and think.  Just looking for some opinions about it.  Thanks, in advance.

[momtara]

Maybe he is indeed picking up on something.  Are you and your wife in counseling?  That's interesting.  Kids are pretty perceptive.

[ForeverDad]

His temper is a product of his environment... .  So his issues are situational and not about him.  That's often the case.  Repeatedly evaluations have come back for me, and later for my son, phrased more or less as "anxiety due to discord between the parents".

We were rushing... .and my wife was upset... .Then she raises her voice toward him and that starts setting him off.  I rush him out the door to separate them... .  I guess you've been doing this for quite some time.

He looks at me and said Daddy that is why I don't want to argue, because to hurt each other and then nobody says that love other anymore.  I couldn't tell the last time my wife and I said we loved each other... .  From the mouths of babes.  This is no doubt momtara's reason for asking, Are you and your wife in counseling?  If not, something has to change.  If she won't change/improve - if change happens it's usually with a trained and emotionally neutral professional for counseling or therapy - then you need to determine ways YOU can make improvements happen.

Question to ponder... .Is this the example you should set for him?  Being the fixer, moderator, mediator and no doubt sometimes the appeaser?  By the time he's grown, what examples would he have had so he can choose similarly in his adult relationships.  Yes, it can be generational, passed from one generation to the next.

Five months ago you were preparing to separate or divorce?  Are you still together?  Why?  What did CPS determine concerning the school incident?

[csswift]

I want the best for him.  I am okay with the moderator and mediator sometimes, but I have to say an appeaser strikes me harshly, but sometimes I need "a Gibbs slap".  She is still in counseling, but my son's and my counselor have said there really isn't much use in him and I continue you see them.  I asked her if counselor thought you might be a good idea if she and I met with her and when I asked how my last session went the only response I got was "good".  2 days later I asked straight out if she had asked the counselor about me coming with her and she said "her counselor thinks we should wait unil after the 1st of the year before we try any of that.  I still have the papers filled out though I have not signed them.  I am not sure what I am waiting on. Still together but still not really together.  CPS decided that my wife wasn't at fault and just washed their hands of the whole thing.  I just wish I could figure out why I can't go through with it.  I want my son to be happy, I want to be happy, heck I even want her to be happy.

[ForeverDad]

I am not sure what I am waiting on.  Still together but still not really together.

If this was a situation with your friend, your sister, your brother, a coworker, what would you tell them, hmm?

If it is different than what you're doing now, then that's an example of the difference between objectivity and subjectivity.  Often it is far simpler to see the issues from the outside (objectively) than when standing on the inside (subjectively).  When we're emotionally involved, it's harder for us to see and accept the issues and solutions as clearly.

Of course, peer support is more than just objectivity.  It's also our past experiences, our "been there, done that" comments.  Collectively, we see the typical patterns, we've seen what is more likely to work and what is more likely to fail, we've seen how we've sabotaged ourselves by our otherwise good intentions.  And last but not least, you know you're not alone in your suffering and there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

So... .knowing what your situation is, what would you tell your friend, sibling or coworker to do or options to consider?