I need advice..

[Vixani]

So I posted this post already on another area in the forum, but after looking around I think this is a better place for it. I do want to work things out with my boyfriend, I just need help figuring out how. He really is the most amazing person I have ever met, I just need to find the right ways to bring out the best in him. (if that makes sense... )

So here it goes again...

I’ve started this post so many times, but I could never bring myself to actually post it. I guess I am at the point now where I just don’t know what else to do. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and it has been a pretty rocky road to say the least. The other day I was reading the article on here about how a BPD love relationship evolves, and it was pretty spot on. Lately I have been going through a situation with my boyfriend and I was hoping someone could point me in the right direction of how to handle it. So here goes my story...

Now I guess I should mention that when I met my boyfriend he had not yet been diagnosed, it wasn’t until about six months or so ago that we found out. So this whole time we just thought it was something wrong with us, or something wrong with me I should say... Since we found out I have tried to make a few changes, like avoiding triggers, letting him know that I am not leaving him, I still love him, I just need a minute to calm down, and some other things like that. Honestly, at first they worked, but now it’s like we’re falling back into the same habits.  And I don’t know if this is normal, but the hardest one for me is trying to feel like it’s not all my fault. I don’t know if this will ever change, or if it’s just going to take a while because I believed for so long that he was cutting and wanting to kill himself because of me, but I can’t stop feeling like it’s all my fault.

Ok, back to the story. So right now I have a lot going on in my life so I can’t handle the cuts, the suicide threats, the fights, the insults, etc. So I tried to explain to him that if things don’t change I need some time to just breathe and focus on healing. But he just takes my need for a break so negatively, and I understand why he would feel that way, I just wish he would respect my choice a little more. He says breaks are just to find other people, I won’t come back, I don’t love him, if I loved him he would help me get better, and that I hate him, etc etc...

Now this is where I messed up... I tried to take the break anyway. I told him I love him, I’m not going to be with anyone else, that I will still be there for him, and I will be with him again after I heal. I even recommended that he should seek treatment while I am away so he can come back to the relationship stronger as well. So I set my boundaries and I stuck to it, but then the phone calls started, the picture messages of his cuts, the suicide threats, and him saying he can’t without me or he’ll die.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him very much, and I am definitely no angel and I have my own faults in this relationship as well, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I realize ranting about my problems on a forum probably isn’t the best way to handle this. I just don’t know anyone else who has been in a relationship like this, and this might not even be because of his disorder, it might be something I’m doing. But I figured I would take the chance and see if anyone has any advice.

So if you have made it through this long post, thank you. I really am sorry it was so long, and I appreciate any advice that anyone has to offer.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi Vixani! I'm glad you've found us at BPD family!

That feeling of now being at the point of "I just don't know what else to do" is a common one for those of us in relationships with someone with BPD. It's a pretty confusing place to be at times because the pwBPD (person with BPD) looks at life from a different perspective than we do, from some personal beliefs that skew the way they see things. Often it's from feeling like they will only be abandoned again, or that they really aren't a good person, some beliefs that make decisions logical to them that might not be logical to us.

The GREAT news is, you can find so many great tools and skills here to help you understand and communicate more effectively and take care of yourself in the process since it can be wearing like you pointed out. In fact, just to the right of our conversation is a sidebar with a list of things to start with, and how you can start to help as you learn how to stop making it worse. And remember, this is a journey, and one where you will make discoveries as you go, one that takes time. So dive in--start with "what is Borderline Personality Disorder?" and work your way through. There's a ton of good info in the Lessons too, that will help things start to make sense.

Relationships take consistent effort to improve just like any other life skill, and it's easy to fall back into the old habits, right? That's where posting your questions and participating in this learning dialogue will really help you, even when things are going well. So, welcome to the learning journey, it is so worth it!

df99

[Chosen]

Hi Vixani, 

I'm glad you found us.  You're probably right, ranting here may not help things, but it helps you because there are lots of people who know what it means to be with a pwBPD.  At the very least, you will feel more understood.  I've also got so much good advice here, and I can tell you this has saved my sanity. 

I know that feeling of “I don’t know what to do”, and I actually think you’re done pretty well.  You feel that the two of you need a break from each other, the relationship, to work on yourselves.  He doesn’t agree, but you have to do it anyway because obviously it’s really difficult to get them to agree with anything, particularly if it appears that you are abandoning them.  Stress that you’re doing it for YOU, let him call you stupid or selfish or whatever (and he will), but if you know the real reason why you’re taking this break, don’t let him sway you.

To be honest I haven’t had suicide threats from my pwBPD so I can’t give you experience on how to handle it.  But I know that they will try anything they can to control you, manipulate you- maybe not consciously, but at that moment they are scared of losing you and they used the wrong means to say it- instead of talking it through, they threaten.  It’s because they are emotionally immature, and they probably won’t grow up so quickly, if any at all.

As for “what to do”, it’s a very personal decision for everyone to make for themselves.  There is no right or wrong, despite what other people (in “normal” relationships) may say.  It’s also a decision you may come to gradually.  However, In Staying Board, there are lots of tips to learn on how to handle a relationship with a pwBPD, so it’s helpful to have a look, and many of these can be practiced without the pwBPD knowing- it’s about you, not them.  And they are very helpful whether or not your pwBPD is diagnosed and getting treatment (mine isn’t).  Please do have a look at them, stick around and rant/ ask questions whenever you need.