Anyone else besides myself not that physically attracted to theyre ex at first?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was just thinking about this but I personally remember first meeting my BPD ex girlfriend and not being that attracted to her upon first meeting. I do not think she is unattractive now nor did then  however I distinctively remember calling a friend after the first meeting to tell her that the looks department was not up to par with what I was used to. The reason why I'm thinking of this is because on the boards I see people writing all the time of how hot they're BPD ex girls were. Also when I first had sex with her it was very good but more in an emotional way not with the actual sex itself. There was nothing spectacular that she did for me or to me. I remember I actually gave her a pass in my mind at the beginning because I was thinking looks aren't everything and I did like her personality and we were hitting it off pretty well at the beginning. I know this is a shallow topic to say the least and maybe its my own little form of devalue or whatever but I was curious if there were other people who initially got caught in the cobra clutch of these emotional blood suckers without there being and initial form of extreme physical attraction. I'm not Gods gift to women at all but I am very attractive and the idealization or compliments she was laying on me at the beginning were easily brushed off to this usually happens to me. I'm thinking of this after reading countless amounts of posts that keep saying they're BPD ex's were oh so hot or the hottest they've ever had. Ive seen many people write they realize that after the fog they realized that they just were in love with the physical appearance of these predators and tolerated alot of bullish for good looks and amazing sex. I felt like I was her damn eye candy and that she enjoyed the damn sex more then I did. I mean you guys were lucky I put up with being an emotional punching bag and didnt even get my mind blown up in the sack or dazzled with having a model on my arms. . I guess just more thoughts by me of What the heck happened here and how the f*** did I allow this ish to happen to me in the first place. Don't answer with I'm sick with codependency . I now know that the question was strictly rhetorical . Dont mind the end portion Im just trying to make light of the situation something Im surprised Im even able to do right now. But in all seriousness anyone else get sucked into the cobra clutch of death without the extremely good looks part or extremely mind blowing sex part but me?

[AG]

I was just thinking about this but I personally remember first meeting my BPD ex girlfriend and not being that attracted to her upon first meeting. I do not think she is unattractive now nor did then  however I distinctively remember calling a friend after the first meeting to tell her that the looks department was not up to par with what I was used to. The reason why I'm thinking of this is because on the boards I see people writing all the time of how hot they're BPD ex girls were. Also when I first had sex with her it was very good but more in an emotional way not with the actual sex itself. There was nothing spectacular that she did for me or to me. I remember I actually gave her a pass in my mind at the beginning because I was thinking looks aren't everything and I did like her personality and we were hitting it off pretty well at the beginning. I know this is a shallow topic to say the least and maybe its my own little form of devalue or whatever but I was curious if there were other people who initially got caught in the cobra clutch of these emotional blood suckers without there being and initial form of extreme physical attraction. I'm not Gods gift to women at all but I am very attractive and the idealization or compliments she was laying on me at the beginning were easily brushed off to this usually happens to me. I'm thinking of this after reading countless amounts of posts that keep saying they're BPD ex's were oh so hot or the hottest they've ever had. Ive seen many people write they realize that after the fog they realized that they just were in love with the physical appearance of these predators and tolerated alot of bullish for good looks and amazing sex. I felt like I was her damn eye candy and that she enjoyed the damn sex more then I did. I mean you guys were lucky I put up with being an emotional punching bag and didnt even get my mind blown up in the sack or dazzled with having a model on my arms. . I guess just more thoughts by me of What the heck happened here and how the f*** did I allow this ish to happen to me in the first place. Don't answer with I'm sick with codependency . I now know that the question was strictly rhetorical . Dont mind the end portion Im just trying to make light of the situation something Im surprised Im even able to do right now. But in all seriousness anyone else get sucked into the cobra clutch of death without the extremely good looks part or extremely mind blowing sex part but me?

[necchi]

Pretty much the same here, i just wrote a 3 paragraph post but my damn win phone lost it somehow !so ya it's how it went pretty much. Tell me did she ever use the sexuality in order to hurt you, ei: insult what you both had in spite of risking loosing it ?

[Oliolioxenfree]

Yep.  I was attracted to his looks but his personality had me thinking he had issues with his sexuality). he spoke in a very feminine way and had mannerisms I can only describe as "feminine".   Additionally he just acted like an all around jackass so I was turned off by the idea of actually being with him. I couldn't fathom it.  I thought it would be like jumping into bed with a female friend.  In fact I remember avoiding him so I didn't have to deal with his incessant begging me to be with him at the end of the night.  I remember before we it together there was a fiends party we were both invited to and he said he was going and wanted I stay with me.  I was on a break with my ex and prayed to god he wouldn't be able to make it because I didn't want to go anywhere near him


We wound up together by some cruel twist of fate as he was my rebound for

My previous relationship after a year long quasi friendship we had with me turning him down from the day I met him.

Funny how feelings can change in the blink of an eye depending on your emotional state.

[Bit Lost]

Funny how you should bring this up AG as I was thinking the same thing myself a few days ago. I have no idea how or why I fell hook line and sinker for this guy. He wasn't the best looking bloke I had ever been out with and he wasn't that great in bed either. Thinking about it I guess it was the way he looked at me, no one had looked at me that way before and I could see the love in his eyes. Also the things he said to me too made me fall for him as no one had said those kind of things to me either. Funny how all that changes when they start showing who they really are... .sad really. I will always love that part of him back then but not the monster he has become now.

[Turkish]

 mine is very pretty,  exotic looking,  though understated ( she doesn't flaunt  her looks). I  was when we started talking,  then  after the first date,  she said we weren't dating and she wanted to be friends.  so the push  pull started from the beginning. I  was ready to call it quits,  but stuck with a  two month  friendship where I  just liked hanging out.  being attracted to her strongly  would he's killed me,  so I  just turned it off in my mind ( no,  really).  until one day it off the blue she just jumped me... .  but the healthiest way to start... .  it actually took me a  while  to  turn it on  in my side  because  it seemed a  wrong way to start. 

[ShadowDancer]

I was mad wolf crazy for and completely out of my ever loving mind sexually attracted to her from the get go.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Funny how you should bring this up AG as I was thinking the same thing myself a few days ago. I have no idea how or why I fell hook line and sinker for this guy. He wasn't the best looking bloke I had ever been out with and he wasn't that great in bed either. Thinking about it I guess it was the way he looked at me, no one had looked at me that way before and I could see the love in his eyes. Also the things he said to me too made me fall for him as no one had said those kind of things to me either. Funny how all that changes when they start showing who they really are... .sad really. I will always love that part of him back then but not the monster he has become now.

Its interesting that you say this.  They aren’t all charming and the hallmark of aesthetic beauty by no means.

I think what it boils down to is that their innate ability to mirror us and put us on the high pedestal in the idealization phase triggers something in us, be it that need for validation, love or something else.   They could be lacking in several categories, but they know how to draw us in.  They have honed their ability to recognize certain character traits and mannerisms and behaviors in potential mates that will complement theirs.  And we have as well.  I most certainly had a type…a toxic type! 

In hindsight when I look at my own relationships Ive dated men who weren’t that attractive, but unbelievably charming, who triggered my need for validation.

For me, one of the reasons I believe we got together, and I don’t know if it applies to everyone on this board.  Is that I had been careening down a path  that was set off by a number of toxic relationships.  Each one subsequently worse than the one previously.  The pattern was set in place and nothing was going to stop it until I got a 2x4 to the head from the Universe waking me up to my own emotional unavailability and poor relationship patterns, so it set in motion me being on a crash course with my BPDex, who was the most f***** up of all.    It was inevitable.  It didn’t matter what he looked like.  He was my lesson.

[strikeforce]

Mine wasn't the most attractive person in the world. I usually always go for personality over looks, but she hide the BPD from me for sometime.

I was attracted to her deep interest in me, or what it seemed to feel like.

I fell for the attention.

[waver]

Great post, AG.

Short, thin, balding, bad teeth. Nearly ugly. Low-schooled.

I’ve got to know him 3 ½ years ago. I knew some of his girlfriends, and I was always wondering how it can be possible that young good-looking girls find him attractive.   

Simply I couldn’t imagine that I ever would have a r/s with him.

When I fell in love with him, he didn't know it (or who knows?) I couldn’t imagine that after these young, good looking girls he would find ME attractive.

[guitargrl]

no mine was an odd looking fellow, often had snot dripping down his nose when we met … goofy socks pulled all the way up with terrible looking shoes.  Sex for first 6 months was odd…he is scared.  I thought he had and autism spectrum something going on and I still think he does….but for some reason this made me love him more.  I wanted to help him in this life he so struggled with. I went out with plenty of fine normal seeming, attractive men before him, but he is the only one after dating for a good while that I wanted….go figure.

[Aw511]

mine=short, chubby, receding hairline, greying hair and beard, 10 years older than me. ALWAYS surrounded by hot young girls. i think he is handsome but my friends were like what? it was his personality and the sex that won me over... .until he turned into the devil. by then i was hopelessly in love with a fat guy that treated me like ___... .and i'm pretty sure i still am... .

I mean REALLY? 

[Waifed]

I thought the ex had a beautiful face but her body was ok.  She had the big latin booty and I wasn't into that until I saw her lying nude in my bed.  It was pure intoxication from there even though I got her to lose some of the booty  .  Now, her actions over 3 years and 3 months of working on myself has made me realize that beauty is only skin deep. (mostly anyway )

[Waifed]

I was mad wolf crazy for and completely out of my ever loving mind sexually attracted to her from the get go.

Ugh, me too.

[Turkish]

mine=short, chubby, receding hairline, greying hair and beard, 10 years older than me. ALWAYS surrounded by hot young girls. i think he is handsome but my friends were like what? it was his personality and the sex that won me over... .until he turned into the devil. by then i was hopelessly in love with a fat guy that treated me like ___... .and i'm pretty sure i still am... .

I mean REALLY? 

Like Sam Jackson said in Pulp Fiction, "personality goes a long way." I don't think I'm that great looking, though my X used to get bothered when I would make self-deprecating comments now and then. I'm not the best looking guy, but women seem to be attracted to me up close. I guess my demeanor adds a lot. Older women were always attracted to me when I was younger. Physically, I'm tall, imposing, (very) strong and in decent shape. I do have some tooth problems I've let go over the years however. I used to wonder why my X was attracted to me, as she said she was the first time she saw me across the room. She said her X, whom she was in contact with when our relationship started having problems 6 months in (her first instance of semi-cheating, IMO), saw my picture on myspace and said that he was much better looking than me, what did she see in me? Narcissist. He was definitely a guy women would hit on in a club. 

The common thing, other than the hobbies I shared with her X (firearms, motorcycles, though I am WAY more serious about them than that idiot was), physically we were both tall. She, being quite short, always liked tall men. The opposite of her father, who is of below average height. Her father, however, has been bald for years. I and her X (the one she was madly in love with, even after they were broken up for two years) both shaved our heads. Weird. Other than that, he looked nothing like me. Can't help but think some weird thing going on there. It wasn't on my side, because my mother is whiter than white, and I've always been attracted to exotic women far more, like my X.

Her recent paramour is of a completely different ethnicity, more her fantasy type guy, with lots and lots of hair. Not sure what to think about that, or if I'm just over thinking it.

[Waifed]

Turkish

I read somewhere that many borderline women like to alternate between older or father like figures and younger bad boys.  Have no idea if it is true.

[Turkish]

Turkish

I read somewhere that many borderline women like to alternate between older or father like figures and younger bad boys.  Have no idea if it is true.

I'm the first " older man"  and the only one shell he's kids with ever.  her previous LTR  was  not quite legal and she was in her early 20s.  I'm almost 11  years older than her.  the paramour  is 9  years younger than her.  like I've implied,  it might be a  harder blow for me.  if he were like me... .a  self made man with actual accomplishments.  then again,  it might be harder.  all in all,  it's just pathetic.  She has the responsible father ( me),  forever due our kids.  She ran to the  two dimensional  teen romance type.  so yeah,  add mine as another data point too confirm that theory.

[AG]

"I thought the ex had a beautiful face but her body was ok.  She had the big latin booty and I wasn't into that until I saw her lying nude in my bed.  It was pure intoxication from there even though I got her to lose some of the booty  .  Now, her actions over 3 years and 3 months of working on myself has made me realize that beauty is only skin deep. (mostly anyway  )"


Mine was latin too but slacking in the rear end not something i was used to. Also short well the height I liked since Im tall and made me feel more powerful. Face was cute but when she goes out to clubs or salsa dancing she would do wonders with make up and hair presentation and look a hell of alot better. I never was intoxicated though by her looks though I was more ontoxicated by the love factor or should i say more accurately by the facade of love.

[AG]

"Pretty much the same here, i just wrote a 3 paragraph post but my damn win phone lost it somehow !so ya it's how it went pretty much. Tell me did she ever use the sexuality in order to hurt you, ei: insult what you both had in spite of risking loosing it ?"

Yes and no to this question she never insulted  any of our experiences of sex together even while i was being devalued. She consistently throughout said i was amazing in bed however she would make threats saying I deserve to be cheated on and state do i know how many guys are trying to get with her and stuff like that. Honestly though I pride myself on what I have inside to offer such as loyalty, compassion , and being so damn caring to the point where I dont even care about myself. She knew I prided myself on that so thats what she attacked instead. She literally word for word told me probably one of the last time we spoke that if she were to take away my looks and her attraction to me and physical part that I all she could remember is how crappy I was to her. I can guarantee u though of i prided myself on looks and physicality she woulda said I was terri le in bed and that I looked like crap and shes had better or something like that.

[musicfan42]

"Pretty much the same here, i just wrote a 3 paragraph post but my damn win phone lost it somehow !so ya it's how it went pretty much. Tell me did she ever use the sexuality in order to hurt you, ei: insult what you both had in spite of risking loosing it ?"

Yes and no to this question she never insulted  any of our experiences of sex together even while i was being devalued. She consistently throughout said i was amazing in bed however she would make threats saying I deserve to be cheated on and state do i know how many guys are trying to get with her and stuff like that. Honestly though I pride myself on what I have inside to offer such as loyalty, compassion , and being so damn caring to the point where I dont even care about myself. She knew I prided myself on that so thats what she attacked instead. She literally word for word told me probably one of the last time we spoke that if she were to take away my looks and her attraction to me and physical part that I all she could remember is how crappy I was to her. I can guarantee u though of i prided myself on looks and physicality she woulda said I was terri le in bed and that I looked like crap and shes had better or something like that.

I think that you can turn this stuff on its head AG. My BPD ex called me a narcissist. I understand that narcissism is a bit of an obsession with borderlines... I've read about other people here who've been called narcissists too. But the way I looked at it was "look- I have some boundaries... .I'm not going to put up with a load of crap and he's just throwing a fit because he's not getting his own way". I knew that I didn't have to take it personally.

With your ex, she still couldn't criticize your looks so you must be good looking. She didn't criticize the sex either. I know that you value being loyal etc and no doubt that you were but borderlines are just children... they're always going to target someone's insecurities/weakness/sore spots... they're angry people and it's just about winning to them. You don't have to take it personally... .it's her problem, not yours. If you had been with a normal person, then she would have appreciated your personality... not just the physical stuff... so don't worry about it. I know that's easier said than done though!

[ShadowDancer]

Turkish

I read somewhere that many borderline women like to alternate between older or father like figures and younger bad boys.  Have no idea if it is true.

That would make me a bad daddy!

[caughtnreleased]

I was mad wolf crazy for and completely out of my ever loving mind sexually attracted to her from the get go.

Ugh, me too.

ditto... .ugh! and then I found out he was hopelessly wounded with the emotional maturity of a three year old... I felt like a child molester

[AG]

"I think that you can turn this stuff on its head AG. My BPD ex called me a narcissist. I understand that narcissism is a bit of an obsession with borderlines... I've read about other people here who've been called narcissists too. But the way I looked at it was "look- I have some boundaries... .I'm not going to put up with a load of crap and he's just throwing a fit because he's not getting his own way". I knew that I didn't have to take it personally.

With your ex, she still couldn't criticize your looks so you must be good looking. She didn't criticize the sex either. I know that you value being loyal etc and no doubt that you were but borderlines are just children... they're always going to target someone's insecurities/weakness/sore spots... they're angry people and it's just about winning to them. You don't have to take it personally... .it's her problem, not yours. If you had been with a normal person, then she would have appreciated your personality... not just the physical stuff... so don't worry about it. I know that's easier said than done though!"

You are preaching this to the choir I have been with normal  healthy women and most of them try to come back into my life or at the minimal try to remain friends with me. Yes your right I realize that she pushed all her insecurities onto me. I once took salsa classes to learn to dance with this chick and be a part of her salsa world. Thought it would be romantic as any normal woman would. She accused me of trying to take it because she said I was trying to sleep with other women. Which basically meant she slept around in the Salsa community alot. I could keep going and going on stuff I noticed from back tracking my thoughts after educating myself on projection with these blood suckers . I am thankful though honestly for me discovering I have codependency though all of us should. There are so many different types of codependency but the people who deal with BPD usually have the same type of codependency aka selflessness. I learned that as well when I tried to research Codependency seperately without factoring in the BPD. These ass wipes did us all a favor in showing us the path to make ourselves stronger and more complete. I have read stories of people with BPD that actually have done the hard work and got CBT and DBT and buried theyre faces in research and got better with theyre own hard work. Those are the people who I tip my hat too and do not include in the ass wipe category. But for the ones that decide to continue to use people and treat them like crap to make themselves feel better instead of buckling down and doing the hard work should be locked away on a small island with just themselves and just tear each other apart. Maybe Ill feel differently some other time and have some sympathy but right now Ive shifted towards the middle finger side. Wheres the middle finger button when you need it huh .

[ShadowDancer]

I was mad wolf crazy for and completely out of my ever loving mind sexually attracted to her from the get go.

Ugh, me too.

ditto... .ugh! and then I found out he was hopelessly wounded with the emotional maturity of a three year old... I felt like a child molester

LOL. I'll co-sign that!

[GlennT]

They are children in adult bodies. They run around looking like adults, having sex like adults, sounding like adults, but they are children in adult bodies.They are selfish, lack emphathy, devious, self-gratifying, and unreliable. That is children's behavior. The greatest truth is in their behavior.

[Turkish]

They are children in adult bodies. They run around looking like adults, having sex like adults, sounding like adults, but they are children in adult bodies.They are selfish, lack emphathy, devious, self-gratifying, and unreliable. That is children's behavior. The greatest truth is in their behavior.

I  trust my 3 year old mute at this point.  He gets over his tantrums quicker. 

[Conundrum]

Half high cheek-boned Northern Plains Native American, and half German Irish Anglo. Perhaps one of the most beautiful women I have ever witnessed outside of dreams. If art is the creation of form symbolic of human feeling--she was both a dream and nightmare in human guise.

[Ironmanrises]

It was the opposite for me. My exUBPDgf is a dark skinned, lips softer then the ripest peach on a summer's day, gorgeous beyond words, Latina, with a big booty as well.