Why do people struggle so much? Because of the BPD ex? Or because of yourself?

[HarmKrakow]

Why do we struggle so much gents? Seriously? This detachment topic on this forum is by far the busiest ... .

But is that because we are in WOW, look at what our ex did to us phase?

Or is that because we realize that we participated in this dance, and that being into a relationship, highlights your own weaknesses better than ever?

[Perfidy]

In my humble opinion: it is a combination of our own issues and a disordered individual. Brevity is the key to clarity. Kiss

[strikeforce]

Are we struggling because they gave us what we needed, then took it away?

Did they sooth our wounds and rip them open again?

It says a lot about someone who is willing to put up with BPD abuse and not walk away earlier.

Why did I struggle?

Lack of closure for me, and the fact that she will never be able to realize the hurt and pain she caused.

[peterparker]

I think it's a combination.

I for one, was codependent, in the process of losing my mother and needed an anchor which turned out to be in the form of a person.

When we meet people, we always assume the best, that they will follow a certain design, as most people do - to be honest, trustworthy, loving and caring, through the good and bad times. Essentially to be our friend above all else. I refused to believe for the longest time that my exBPDgf did not follow the same design as most people, but was truly as she described herself as feeling: "I'm an alien".

[fromheeltoheal]

Are we struggling because they gave us what we needed, then took it away?

My take is I am struggling because my borderline ex gave me exactly what I needed: a glimpse into how I've felt about myself and the world since childhood, all the issues I thought were resolved, after years of work on my part, but they're still there.

Sure, the relationship was a loaded bond between us, unsustainable, abusive and very dysfunctional, but it didn't last very long, just long enough to be so traumatic and painful that I bailed.  Getting over her was the easy part, addressing all the issues that came up during and after has been the ongoing challenge, actually the good news, but a challenge just the same.  I can say that life is better now than it's ever been, my priorities have all shifted and my focus is different, but I do feel like I have a direction that was lacking for a long time.  It feels like life has been rewired, and adjusting to that has been challenging, change always is, and only now am I getting my feet on the ground as the new me.

[musicfan42]

Why do we struggle so much gents?

Eh... there are women here on the forum too... .

[HarmKrakow]

Why do we struggle so much gents?

Eh... there are women here on the forum too... .

Gents, ladies and gents. You understand I meant it for all of you

[Ironmanrises]

For me, it's idealization to devaluation and all that entails. And the fact that I went through that twice, and if I include the friendship, 3 times; that has resulted in horrific consequences on me. Throw in my lack of loving myself properly, and the pile of sh¥t I literally find myself in, stinks to high hell.

[BuildingFromScratch]

It's very hard. I'm still having a hard time even though I think I understand it all logically. The thing is co-dependency, although a lot less damaging (and less sinister), is damaging to other people too. I highly suggest reading the article on this website about co-dependency. It made me realize how all my selflessness was inherently selfish. How I wasn't capable of a "real love", only a sickly needy love.

[RecycledNoMore]

Hmm, its hard for me because...

Im codependant

I have low self esteem

I have issues I never dealt with, previous to meeting uBPDx

I realised I fell in love with a goldfish/ dream/mask.

I realised that he didnt feel the same way as I did about the r/ s

I dont like feeling like a fool, but do anyway

Am really pissed at myself for letting it drag on so long.

Biggest reason why its so hard, I never felt so in love with somebody before, it was euphoric and intoxicating, I believed it would be forever, realising that it was all a sham, pretty hard to swallow.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hmm, its hard for me because...

Im codependant

I have low self esteem

I have issues I never dealt with, previous to meeting uBPDx

I realised I fell in love with a goldfish/ dream/mask.

I realised that he didnt feel the same way as I did about the r/ s

I dont like feeling like a fool, but do anyway

Am really pissed at myself for letting it drag on so long.

Biggest reason why its so hard, I never felt so in love with somebody before, it was euphoric and intoxicating, I believed it would be forever, realising that it was all a sham, pretty hard to swallow.

I could have written that post recycled.  And realizing that not only was what felt euphoric and intoxicating actually a sham, but that I had been in a close, intimate relationship with a Serious Mental Illness was a massive wake up call.  Since I left and fought through the anger at her, which has waned, it has been like something was uncorked, and all of my issues and past situations where they showed up in a bad way are front and center.  I've lost the ability to repress these things, and think back to the last 15 years or so, before I met her, where life was actually good and I thought I'd healed from all that old stuff.  Nope.  I'm feeling all of it, seems all at once, which I suppose is the good news, if it's there it's there and it has to come out, but what a surprise, and I have a bunch of work to do so life can get better again, probably better than it's ever been, I thank my borderline for that, but right now it's one foot in front of the other.