Wanting to stalk social network sites. (Please answer soon)

[MangoMadness]

I haven't checked her social networking sites since I've joined, but lately I've been getting intrusive thoughts of her. When I'm finally enjoying myself and being happy, at peace, a memory of her pops in. Destroys my bliss. More often than not, it happens when I'm enjoying old music, or when I'm trying to sleep.

And for the last week or so, I've been getting the horrid urge to stalk her social network sites again, in hopes of finding she has fallen on misfortune, that maybe karma finally struck. Right now, I'm on the verge of anxiety, panic, and so very close to typing in her URLs. I don't know why I get such horrible, awful urges to look.

Because after I do look, it doesn't help anything. I end up feeling so stupid, crying my eyes out because she gets to be happy, and I don't. I haven't been weighing as much of my self worth on her very harsh, wounding words--but I can't help it at times. I've been enjoying drawing again, and music, games, movies.

Ever since I've joined, I've made substantial progress into throwing her out of my life. I need to know, how do you folks keep from being compelled to watch their every move? How do/did you learn to cope, and drop your spite for them? I hate her, and I believe that's why I hold such a sour grudge; I want her to pay for how awfully she has hurt me.

But, as with any BPD partner, she never even bats an eye when she hurts people. She drops them and forgets about them, never to suffer or feel guilt over her actions. Many people have told me that it is my hate which keeps me going back to confront her, to see if she has been hurt as badly as she has hurt others. They tell me to forgive her and let go. But how can I? I need your responses urgently, I'm on the brink of breaking down again.

Any answer is appreciated, you've all done so much for me already, and I can't thank you enough. The mere fact that I come here to vent rather than hold it in is a huge step in my life. It was a blessing to find a welcome home here.

[Ironmanrises]

You will either see nothing that will hurt you or you will see something that will really hurt you. But what you are seeking, is her returning to you, and viewing her social site will not get that desired result. I totally understand why you want to look. I am at 4 months NC and I still get that urge to reopen my accounts and peek, but the cons of doing that, far outweigh any benefit I may get in return.

Hang in there.

[fromheeltoheal]

A BPD relationship is like an addiction to alcohol, cocaine, pot, meth, you name it.  The loaded bond that we created with our borderline touches a part of our psyche that has nothing to do with mature, sustainable love, it's a fantasy-based buzz that is not good for us, but has a hell of a draw nonetheless.

So think about it this way: as with quitting an addiction to any substance, the hardest part is at the beginning.  If you can tough out the urge and not go there, in time the urge will lessen in intensity and pull, until one day you'll notice you've gone all day without thinking about or feeling any connection to her or it at all.  Then you're free.

But if you cave in, you have to do the hard part all over again, and it may hurt more this time.  Up to you, but only doing the hard part once, ideally, is the easiest path you can take.  Turn off your computer and go do something extreme enough that you can't think about her, us, or social networking at all.  Tomorrow will be easier if you do.

[momtara]

Consider that she isn't really the happiest person.  What do you think goes on inside the head of someone confused and disordered, who keeps destroying relationships?

Facebook only presents the version of yourself that you want people to see.  I have never let on that I am almost divorced, so very few of my friends know it.  If you read my FB page, you'd think my family is happy and all fine.  So try not to let her social media face bother you.

[MangoMadness]

as with quitting an addiction to any substance, the hardest part is at the beginning.  If you can tough out the urge and not go there, in time the urge will lessen in intensity and pull, until one day you'll notice you've gone all day without thinking about or feeling any connection to her or it at all.  Then you're free.

That is the best metaphor I've ever heard. I may just print this out and keep it close, ha.

And, as for the social networking sites only showing what she wants--I can see that. And I do see your point. My first thought when I have a problem isn't to update Facebook. Thank you. I don't know where I got the idea that stalking her stuff would bring me closure. But I've gone two, three weeks without checking up on her by now. That's the longest I've gone in years.

I'll keep going, I won't look her up. I'm stronger than that, better than that. Thank you all.

[AG]

Ive just recently cut this addiction out after researching on triggers. Also have you ever heard of something called emotional cutting? If not thats when your already feeling like crap and then you go and do something to just seal the deal. Ive been able to relate not looking at my ex's page mentally in relation to working out. I workout like a beast right now 5 days a week. So I think of each day as 1 set. I think of my brain as a muscle and each day I havent looked at it I completed that workout for it. Do not look at it man fight it seriously. The mind is very tricky you are already thinking about her alot trust me I know I still am if you read any of my posts you can see my situation is very fresh like fresh out the water fresh and the fish is still flapping around fresh. You are thinking about it and then you are going to place a picture to those thoughts as well. Your going to train your mind to keep her around by doing so. Im going to keep forcing myself to not look do the exact same man. Let this damn loser go. And about your comment about her being happy guess again even if she underwent extreme therapy it would be useless unless she faced her self and got out of denial. The denial portion is what renders the therapy useless for them. She would have to be reading and educating herself like you probably have done and actually stayed by herself to work on herself. If she has not done that then even if she is with someone else the same crap will happen to her again. If she is with someone who has healthy boundaries and does not have codependency like us then her ass will get dropped(fact). If she finds another codependent like us she will do the same crap and play victim all over again. Then the cycle will repeat again and again and again. Does that sound like happy to you? Screw her happiness also you worried about hers already its your time to shine now. She is not worrying about you shining in fact she does not want you to shine(fact).

[lightswitch]

Yes yes yes to what hth said. Exactly like an addiction.  I like saying the serenity prayer and inserting my ex into the 'accept the things (ex) I cannot change, courage to change the things I can (my health, recovery, nc) and the wisdom to know the difference' (and not let the air out of their tires!)

[Octoberfest]

It is so interesting... .I have been on these boards for around 5 months and I see new users all the time that remind myself of me when I first came here... .the same concerns, worries, fears, and pain.  They should almost create a diagnosis for people who have suffered through a relationship with a pwBPD, because the things that most all of us face seem to be near identical.

I can tell you that I too had the worry that, "here I am, sad and alone and miserable, while she is off happy". 

As others have mentioned, her facebook or whatever other social media page only shows you what she WANTS you to see. As can be easily imagined, any of the strife she is having in friendships, or relationships, or relationships with family members, IS NOT going to be there.  It is going to look like she is living the dream... .She isn't.  My BPDex's facebook looks as though she is on top of the world.  The reality?  She is engaged to a fat, greasy loser who hangs out at the bar 5 nights a week.  Funnily enough, her relationship status is not visible, even to friends (because she has a habit of dating multiple people at once).  She has moved back home at 22 years old after being put on academic suspension for getting awful grades at the college we both went to last year when we were together (I am still here).  It was her 3rd college in 3 years.  Oh, and all of the friends that she made here have turned their backs on her because, and I quote, "she lies to people and hurts people".  She came to a new town, with a fresh start, and destroyed everything around her, then left when there was no one left on her side. I don't know for sure, but I would wager anything that the same happened at the two colleges she went to before mine.  She has also been married once before and engaged a few other times.  At 22. Bottom line, they may be "happy" in the very short term.  But in the grand scheme, their lives are plagued by instability and strife.  They will never know true, mature adult love in a genuine, honest relationship.  And that is terribly sad.  But we as non's do have that opportunity, and for that reason, we win 10 times out of 10.

MangoMadness, I will tell you the same thing that I tell people about No Contact- it happens when you are ready.  If you try and force No Contact when you aren't ready for it, you are doing little more than torturing yourself.  I will say the same in reference to this whole social media thing.  When you are ready to move on, when you decide that you want and deserve something more, you will find that you no longer have the urge to look.  I still look up my ex every now and again, 6 months out of the relationship.  A lot less frequently than I used to... .right after the breakup it was several times a day.  Now? Once every week and a half or two.  And getting less and less frequent.  I still DEFINITELY harbor some deep pain concerning my BPDex.  In addition, I have become aware of some serious problems I have in general concerning the vast difference between what I hope for and expect out of people and what they end up giving me and the disappointment and shame that I feel following it. My BPDex revealed several holes in my being that I did not know existed prior.  Now I work to fill them. 

You can do this.  Many have done it before you.  Many are attempting to do it now.  We fall down now and again. But we get back up because we must.

[MangoMadness]

Indeed, and I know it is time to cut off all contact. It has been nearly four years since I first cut the line, but I still find myself going back to look at her websites and wonder why I can't be happy as she is. Part of me knows she keeps no friends, and has a growing list of enemies on all of her websites. She lacks the ability to make friends in real life, so her internet reputation is her life.

Unlike your ex, mine is very successful in school, graduated from one college and is now attending another to become a veterinarian. She's already a farrier, certified and in service. Meanwhile I'm still conflicted about what I want to pursue in college, where I want to go. I'm a high school drop out because of her, and although I'm still fairly young, I feel pressurized to be far more along in life than I am.

Because of my detour, my inability to leave my house often without panic attacks, I often get bitter about how she gets a better deal than I. She can go to college, she can get some fame on the internet, she can function as a young adult should, and I can not. I have a lot of self loathing, but my ideal of a good life isn't the same as most. I'm taking time to myself to rebuild, and figure myself out.

Most people take comfort in getting outside of the house, but I do best when left in solitary environments, enjoying hobbies and practicing more art. I do not wish to be "successful" in the same sense as most my age, I'm not actively seeking a job or schooling at the moment. And I'm perfectly fine with this, it's only when I compare myself to everyone around me, and her, that I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I have a very supportive family, my mother and grandmother were both drop outs as well, but Grandma is very successful now, very rich. My mother went to her dream college. They know that I can live life however I like, even if everyone pegs me as a loser. But that's the problem--after seeing everyone else go along the path expected of us, I do feel like a loser for chasing my dreams.

Ideally, one day I wish to study physics and astronomy, I have an insatiable desire to learn all I can in my life about all sorts of scientific topics, as well as publishing my art and ideas. I don't know if I can achieve such things, and her success always batters me. I don't know why, since I'm not looking to go down the same path. Perhaps it's because she always told me how immature I was for wanting to take an alternate route.

She told me I was childish and stupid for enjoying video games, or being excited for movies. She also liked to tell me how stupid I was for having passion. And so my passion has been non-existent for the past few years. Games and movies no longer excite me, music does not make me happy. And when I do draw, I end up quitting soon after, because of how she would badger me on how terrible my art was compared to hers.

But I digress, it's time for me to move on. I've made a lot of progress that I've never made in years, many therapists and such couldn't assist me. I'm proud of myself, even if it's just a tiny sliver. 

[RecycledNoMore]

Yes music is a huge trigger for me, but its also a powerful healer for me too... I dont look at his FB page because I know exactly what ill find, HURT.Not his hurt, my own, so its kind of like saying to myself " hay, recycled,do you want to stick a red hot poker in your eye and twirl it around?", and then feel the red hot burn of it for weeks afterwards... .

No thanks, Im worth more than that.

[Calm Waters]

I wnet through this when my ex BPD GF dumped me after her suicide attempt. I dumped facebook and all social networking and try hard not to go back as I think it is dangerous under such circumstances

[necchi]

No metaphor here, it is what it is. Ironman is right, it's brain chemistry!

It is called  "the reward system" dopamine rush was abounding but than suddenly none, our neurotransmitters get unbalanced from our unhealthy cognitive thinking... .ext       We are recovering addicts ! Only we have found memories, needs, expectations... .It was our FIX and there was feelings involved, deep feelings (again, chemistry) toward our r/s.

if you get a need to look up, try postponing it an hour later... .Give it time... .And you know what? Time flies!

[necchi]

Ive just recently cut this addiction out after researching on triggers. Also have you ever heard of something called emotional cutting? If not thats when your already feeling like crap and then you go and do something to just seal the deal. Ive been able to relate not looking at my ex's page mentally in relation to working out. I workout like a beast right now 5 days a week. So I think of each day as 1 set. I think of my brain as a muscle and each day I havent looked at it I completed that workout for it. Do not look at it man fight it seriously. The mind is very tricky you are already thinking about her alot trust me I know I still am if you read any of my posts you can see my situation is very fresh like fresh out the water fresh and the fish is still flapping around fresh. You are thinking about it and then you are going to place a picture to those thoughts as well. Your going to train your mind to keep her around by doing so. Im going to keep forcing myself to not look do the exact same man. Let this damn loser go. And about your comment about her being happy guess again even if she underwent extreme therapy it would be useless unless she faced her self and got out of denial. The denial portion is what renders the therapy useless for them. She would have to be reading and educating herself like you probably have done and actually stayed by herself to work on herself. If she has not done that then even if she is with someone else the same crap will happen to her again. If she is with someone who has healthy boundaries and does not have codependency like us then her ass will get dropped(fact). If she finds another codependent like us she will do the same crap and play victim all over again. Then the cycle will repeat again and again and again. Does that sound like happy to you? Screw her happiness also you worried about hers already its your time to shine now. She is not worrying about you shining in fact she does not want you to shine(fact).

WOW!     this could make an awesome eye opening song! Merci