how to get him to leave me the &^( alone

[zkirtz]

Now that I am finally out of this violent relationship, I seem to be haunted by his spirits. I tried following the tips I had at this forum to bore him out. I told him I was burnout, that I was very tired, that I lived with my parents again (he doesnt know where they live).

I even exaggerated to the point where I lied about having a serious illness and that I need to go to a clinic far far away. I told him my brother took care of my phone and my mail now, and that I need to get peace in this clinic. And that I sleep lots and basically, all my mails were about me me me me me.

Much to my surprise, it seemed to work -at first. If my ex said all these things to me, I would have travelled to the other end of the world to help him. But this guy doesn't give a living thing about me. I get some mails like hey, are you in there. This is not you. I don't react for at least a week and send another complain-mail then.

But it keeps going on and on and on. I have to lie more and more. Is this really the way to get rid of him? When is he bored out?

Still I barricade the door because I am afraid he'll force himself into my apartment and find me there. Sometimes I sleep or shower with a knife near so that I can't be suprise attacked. This never happened upto now and I guess this fear is irrational especially now that he does not know that I am there. But my fears won't leave me.

May be I exaggerated? Will I ever be left alone? Will I ever calm down?

[frag1911]

Zkirtz, you're living with a lot of stress and trauma.  I hope you have a counselor or therapist you can get some relief with.

As for him contacting you, I'm thinking you should seriously consider simply stopping any replies yourself.  He might be responding with some actual residual compassion, even if he is bored with your "me, me, me" responses and not supporting his interest in you.

Be well, we'll be looking for you soon!

[Lady31]

I agree with Frag - stop responding to him.

Also, it sounds like your situation was pretty violent and frightening if you are concerned he will come find you and hurt you.  I would definitely call a domestic violence counselor and talk to them about your potential for harm.  I'm not trying scare you, but it is very easy to find people.  Please call them and get their direction on this. 

[RecycledNoMore]

No more replys, no more lies, do what you have to do to take care of yourself,I was in your shoes too, violent uBPDx , I had to get a restraining order in the end, it was enough to let him know I wasnt f******

around this time( many recycles, hence the name),

He left town that very day to avoid it being served, but he knows... .his couldnt take the exposure,the tarnish of his image, so he buggered off somewhere, to a new toy... .I had about 2 ish weeks of NC, those few weeks were enough for me to take a step back, and assess my life and make a start on figuring out how I got here, he still msgs here n there on a fake fb profile, miniscule compared to what it was, I dont respond, cause I know exactly what will happen if I do, BOOM!, anxiety, nausea,panic,fear na ahh no more.

Take care of you, you dont owe him anything.

[Surnia]

Hi zkirz

I am so sorry to hear all this. 

I agree about no contact and reaching out to a therapist who is experienced with domestic violence. Coming out on a very abusive relationship is really not easy and its good to reach out to professionals.

What do you think about it?

[zkirtz]

Thank you all!

It really helps so much to finally be able to talk about this... .

I feel so understood.

I am very sorry to hear I am not alone! I hope you are in a happier part of life now.

No contact! Ok! I got that. A friend of mine told me so but I really have a hard time dealing with it. Youare all so unanimous, this sounds very convincing

Sometimes I think the opposite,  I doubt if its better to keep enemies close and to find out what he is up to. I am afraid he'll check when i leave my apartment. And I still feel guilty. For the mess I must have left.

And somewhere down I feel sorry for him. I still have this hard time believing that his hitting me was on purpose. Somewhere else I know he does try to control me on purpose.  Well i guess i am a rollercoaster of emotions.

Thank you very much for all your suggestions.

I have personally a hard time seeing what a therapist could do for me that i couldn't do by finding information and support elsewhere. If - am wrong I would like to hear it. I dont think there is anything wrong with me now, not anymore, now that I finally left and realized that I was the one who couldnt say no... I don't really feel like a victim, more that it is my fault.it was my own choice and my own mistake.

Thanks again for all your kind replies!

[babyducks]

I still have this hard time believing that his hitting me was on purpose.

Ahhh zkirtz, it was on purpose.   Really.  Trust me on this one. 

I understand that not every one finds therapy comfortable or helpful. 

The thing that I have found helpful about a therapist is I now have a safe place to share my thoughts and an extra brain to help me figure out what best to do about them.

babyducks

[Surnia]

Hi zkirtz

I can understand that you don't want see a therapist, bc nothing is wrong with you.

The thought behind my suggestion goes more in direction PTSD. Going through strong fear, stress, pain can take its toll from us. This is normal, can happen to any from us.

[candlelight]

Hi zkirz

I'm new here, but have experienced violence by an ex with BPD traits. I've read up on the " bore them away gradually" technique and I can understand that may be workable for exiting a non-violent relationship. But this is not an option for me. My ex triggers fear, panic and mental confusion/ inability to think clearly in my best interests.

These are common reactions for survivors of violent relationships and I believe that getting out and implementing strict no contact is a more self protecting exit strategy for us. It's hard to fake " bored lethargy" if your stomach is churning and your heart is pounding.

Just sharing that anyway in case it may be helpful.

[zkirtz]

May be I did not make my situation clear.

Trust me, my stomach is turning and my heart is pounding. I changed my name at this forum because I am afraid he'll recognize me. I know these are irrational fears, because his english is terrible but still.

I barricaded the door the past two months for fear he drops by.

Why?

I' ve been chased around the square and barely escaped in a public bus. I've been threatened with a knife twice, he grabbed a pair of scissors five times while he grabbed my hair so that I could not move and he swiped the floor with me like that. And with christmas last year I run away barefooted through the snow with a fever after I woke up while being strangled. Another time I was forced to give away the pincode of my creditcard but I didn't know it anymore because of the stress. Also he hit me when I contradicted, when I nodded slightly disapprovingly, first once in a while, then once a week and then regularly... .He also came by my appartment three times and he was once nice, once complaining and the other time he chased me out of my home. 

All these times I have thought that he loved me and that we could work out these things and solve them. I have always considered the violent bits as accidents. For good reasons. There was always a part of me causing this. I have tried to understand his misery and his reasons why. But it was foolishness. How long do you have to stand by your man, exactly.

I thought that for at least a year and it would not have happened if his psychiatrist did not suggest that brains could change with the proper help of medicins.

In May this year I slept in a hotel twice because I was afraid he would come to get me at my place. I then decided that I had to leave permanently. I lived in a hotel for a month. Since then I got I guess at least a 10000 mails and calls why. I wouldn't come back, that he needed me, that he needed my help, that he had nobody to help him, well all sorts of guilt stuff. And it has almost worked. I've been thinking so much of coming back to get my stuff. But I should not. 

I kept getting these mails for months now and the only way how it got a little less is because I lied that I was away, lied about being ill, lied about amost dying. I never asked how he was. I only complained about my situation.

Trust me. Being needy worked. Saying nothing triggered his anger at first. He would rant on the phone and threaten to kill me in text messages, 300 per night. 

Since I announced all my terminal diseases and burnout and whatever, he basically lost interest.

Of course it is hard.I have no needs. I am forced to lie.  I am raging with madness, after everything I've been through. but I cannot rage my madness there where it belongs. Being mad at him has no use. I am one solid block of anger, fury. But none of it can be directed to the cause. That would only make it worse.

It is so cynical. If half of my lies were true, I would fly to the other end of the world to help him. Clearly, his approach is not reciprocal. No guilt there!  Every few weeks I get a "are you still sick I have problems help me, this isnt you, you are the only one who can help me, we used to be good together" blah blah mail.

My problem is now: should I continue with these tactical lies or just stop answering?

Should I stay living in this house or should I move? Should I move to another town or am I safe here.

This is difficult because I am blinded by fury and fear. I cannot make rational decisions and there is no one I can explain this to.

[zkirtz]

May be I do need a therapist.  :'(

[Surnia]

May be I do need a therapist.  :'(

Yes, zkirtz, this would be a very good plan. What you went through is horrible. To overcome this professional support would be a huge benefit. 

[Lady31]

Oh my goodness zkirtz!  That was REALLY bad and REALLY dangerous!

I would say if you live somewhere that he knows of - like a place you lived before or with family or whatever - I would move.

I would live in a place that he has no knowledge of having a link to you.  If he finds out you have been lying he could go over the edge in rage.  Seriously. Please consider this.

There is NO QUESTION that you could not stay with this person.  If you check his background you will probably find similar assault/threats/stalking on his record.  Of course, it is possible he could have done all these horrible things to someone else and them not report it.  It doesn't sound like you have ever reported him.

Do not ever go back to this man, and never respond to him again.

I would change #'s & email as well.  Seriously.