Social immaturity

[javieira]

The emotional immaturity is by far the worst part of the disorder (tantrums, accusations, tattle-telling, etc, etc, etc!), but social/developmental immaturity that we continue to see sometimes drives us bonkers. Our BP D is 16 years old, and we still go through issues that we should have stopped having to deal with many years ago.  For example, when we go out to eat and the meal is finished, we almost always have to tell her to stop playing with the condiments on the table. (She will make "concoctions" by mixing the salt, pepper, mustard on the table into her left over food or drinks). When we go to the store, I always have to keep an eye on her or she will open up sealed cosmetics to sample them.  She will run at a flock of birds resting on the ground just to frighten them. She never seems to understand when we repremand her for these behaviors; she lacks a sense of basic social norms.  She is a smart girl and is educationally on level, but these behaviors that should have stopped by kindergarten still persist. I think that some of this is related to impulse control, but I'm not sure if it is just her or if this is a commond trait with the disorder. Does any one else have this issue with the PD person in their life and, if so, how do you handle it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, javieira & 

I totally get the frustration and sometimes horror you feel when your daughter acts in an inappropriate way in social situations... .Before being treated for his BPD, my adult son (36) would act in ways that would horrify my husband, my younger son, and me. Since he was just diagnosed in March/April of 2013, that's a whole lot of years of horror to endure 

This type of inappropriate behavior is actually a symptom of BPD in some people; my son fully admits at this point--after being treated  for it for the last 9 months--that he acted "weird" or "crazy" (in his own words), and he thinks it was because he didn't fully understand or know himself, and didn't know how to "fit in" with the rest of the world. He truly wasn't doing these strange things in order to get anybody angry or upset; he was either trying to fit his round-peg self into a square-peg world, or trying to soothe his emotions/feelings in some way. Things that didn't make sense to anyone else who was with him, made perfect sense to him! And when people got angry at him, he could never understand why... .

Your daughter has been diagnosed? Is she in any type of treatment? Does she realize she needs help for her "troubles"? She's still young, and BPD or not, she's still trying to fit into the world anyway, so it is naturally going to be harder for her than other teens without BPD. She's possibly "stuck" at the age where the disorder began, and with treatment she can eventually catch up to her true age, I think... .At least I am seeing that with my son; in the last 9 months he's matured emotionally by leaps and bounds! Where he was probably around 16 or so emotionally, 9 months ago, he's more like he should be, now.

If you can take the time to check out the links to the right-hand margin of this page, and read all you can, you will get a better idea of how your daughter's mind works, and how she is feeling. Once we can do that, and then learn how to communicate with our BPD child better, our child starts reacting better with us. It does get easier to deal with our child when we understand what he/she is going through... .Hang in there, javieira; we're here to help you 

[crazedncrazymom]

Javieira,



A lot of our kids are very socially immature.  It is sometimes hard to take and a little embarrassing.  When dd16 is acting like a child I treat her like a child.  For instance, a couple of years ago we were shopping and she became angry because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  She sat down in the store and refused to get up until I gave her what she wanted.  Part of my brain panicked.  The other part said ok I remember this ... .from when she was little.  Oh yeah!  Ok sweety, I'm paying for my things and then going to the car.  When you decide to get up you know where to find me. Bye Bye.  Was I embarrassed that my 14 year old was on the floor?  Of course! 

My dd is 16 now so I am trying to deal with her on another level.  Not only do our kids have a mental illness, but they are becoming adults.  When I am in a difficult situation I always ask myself ... .for example... If you were with a good friend at the restaurant who randomly decided to play with the condiments because she was bored or anxious how would you react?  I'd probably ask if she was ok as I was wiping up the table.  The cleaning serves as a social prompt that it's inappropriate.  The question may bring a surprising or not so surprising answer.   

-crazed

[javieira]

Thank you both for your responses.

Our DD was diagnosed as bipolar in January of 2012 and as BPD in March of 2013. She has been in and out of therapy for the last 4 years. About a month ago, our psychologist suggested that our DD take a break from therapy because she felt that her meds needed an adjustment and that they would be unable to make any progress until that issue was addressed.  DD has always been fairly resistant to therapy and knows how to "play the game" very well. She knows what the therapist wants to hear and glosses over or avoids anything that is unpleasent or might warrant further discussion or questioning.

We correct her behaviors in the same way that we corrected her (and our other children) when they were young; we redirect, we explain why the behavior is inappropriate, we ignore the behavior (if it is one that can be ignored), we reinforce appropriate behavior. I don't know if she is doing these things for attention, if she doesn't understand that they are inappropriate, or for some other reason. I'm just comforted to hear that others deal with the same type of situations!

[almostvegan]

My 17 yo d is also socially immature. My best friend put it this way: remember when they're babies and while learning one skill they sometimes temporarily forget another ? This illness is like that.  My daughter was really sick for two years. During those years her brain couldn't deal with emotional development so it stopped and concentrated only only fighting the illness. Though she's 17 now she's still like a 14 yo in many ways bc her brain has yet to catch up.

This explanation helps me cope.  I hope it helps you too

Peace

AV