I just don't know how much more I can do

[Cipher13]

I am sure there are even legal ramifications in sending email to someone that is not a member of the company.

I knowthere probably is. I was hoping to be able to send fakes but that is extra work that I should not have to do. I hate I let it get liek this. I was hoping she coul dsee how messed up this is. I think I found out that I am the one that is crazy. Trying to think I can get her to see how messed up these requests are.

[Cipher13]

Also I was planning on bringin soemthing up to my manager. I just don't know how much to reveal. Its affecting my job and I can't have that.

[popeye6031]

I found out that I am the one that is crazy. Trying to think I can get her to see how messed up these requests are.

Right with you there mate.  You may as well be talking to a brick wall to try and convince her, it's a lost cause.

Also I was planning on bringin soemthing up to my manager. I just don't know how much to reveal. Its affecting my job and I can't have that.

This could be a good idea, especially if you think it has been noticed that you are constatnly texting etc.  You do not have to tell them everything but could mention that you are having difficulties at home.

I have been in work and spent 6 or 7 hours texting while my fiance was dysregulating. I am sure it was noticed. 

[Cipher13]

This could be a good idea, especially if you think it has been noticed that you are constatnly texting etc

I just spoke to my boss. They understand and were appriciative of making them aware. I know i have put a target on my back but maybe I need that anyway to force me to do what is right. They aid they havn't noticed yet but that could be the right people havn't mentioned it. I said I wanted to make you aware and that I am doing everthign to control this and I need this job becasue it is my sanity and the one thing that is mine that I enjoy.


I had to tell the wife I was pulled into a meeting that I was being told about exsessive texting and emailing. I should limit my time here to lunch breaks.

[allibaba]

I am sure there are even legal ramifications in sending email to someone that is not a member of the company.

I knowthere probably is. I was hoping to be able to send fakes but that is extra work that I should not have to do. I hate I let it get liek this. I was hoping she coul dsee how messed up this is. I think I found out that I am the one that is crazy. Trying to think I can get her to see how messed up these requests are.

Cipher,

Sorry to be blunt but its crazy to pretend to send FAKE EMAILS.  When is enough, enough?  When are you literally just going to SAY NO?  I hope that you took some time to call or go to the police station to get advise on your local laws.  The minute you say NO to her... .things are probably going to go a little crazy.  Fasten your seat belt buddy.

I am going to Private message you with the offer of sending (e-mail, dropbox, or other method of delivery) you a book that I read that really helped clear up my thinking and set me on a path to recovery (whether my husband comes along or not).

I'm glad that you spoke to your boss about what is going on.  I'm sure that its effecting your productivity and its good to make them aware that you are trying to do the right thing.

[Cipher13]

Allibaba

Being blunt is really what works for me. I appricate that. My boss was blunt and understanding. From that conversation I was able to find the solution the email issue. I told her that work spoke to me and oother in my departement about texting and extra emails. And that I can no tset up the email template that she came up with. I said that I had to ask them about anythign liek that for procudure and they said it was not needed and I couldn't do that.  So that issue was avoided rather naturally and offical.

I do know exactly what you mean by saying "No". I had the opportunity to test that out unfortunately.  Friday she said she wanted me to look for a different job. I said "no".  She did become very aggitated. Her tone changed. Her manurisms changed. It was on the verge a of an explosion. I said finally if there was somethign that I thought I would liek better I would keep my options open. That wasn't a lie. However I do not plan that happening today or tomorrow. She settled a little bit. Took the edge off her attitude about it.  So I got a glimpse of what I might be in for. Oh she also said she woul dget me fired. I was able to get her to see that statement was out of bounds if only temporaly at the time.

[allibaba]

Cipher

I am glad that you told your boss.  Its basically the first step to freeing yourself.  You stop keeping what you are going through SECRET.

I just electronically sent you a book that has helped me tremendously.  Its about Narcissism, but the basic premise is the same.  The book is called 13 Steps Towards a Peaceful Home Step 1 opens up as follows:

"If you are right now living with a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive partner, get as

much help as is available in your area and get rid of the people in your life (and especially

your home) who are not helping. Do not be proud. If there is a family worker who will visit

your home, get them over regularly. If there is a domestic violence (D.V.) officer at your local

police station, go and see them. Let as many people as you can who work in family matters in

your community know about your situation. Make friends with these support workers and at

the same time reclaim your home . . ."

Anyone who wants to buy the book can private message me and I'll send them the link.  Its about narcissism, but the steps are sound and it talks a lot about protecting yourself.  When you truly start standing up for yourself its important not to be naive about what the consequences might be.  I'm so glad that I took steps in advance to arm myself with information before I started my journey.

Alli

[Waddams]

Cipher - one day you're gonna have to stop worrying about what she thinks, what she is doing or might do, how she reacts, etc.  Just let it all go.

Threatening to try and get you fired is way out of bounds.  This business of BCC'ing her on your emails?  Telling her work policy precludes you from complying is different from telling her NO.  You're at the least letting her think you would if you could.  It's a passive way of trying to wriggle out of her demands instead of assertively standing up for yourself and telling her NO.  You're just egging things on by being wishy washy about this.

I understand you are afraid and stressed out about what her reactions would be if you were to be more assertive in setting your own boundaries with her.  But consider this:  You haven't done anything wrong.  The things you have posted in the past that you feel bad about... .okay but honestly they aren't that bad.  Definitely not anything to warrant what you are going through.  If you are going to get out of this situation, you are going to have to be assertive and tell her NO.  And then don't get sucked into the arguments, accusations, mocking, etc. that follows.  Have a plan for how to get out of dodge quickly if you need to, and otherwise let your actions be based on what is healthy, and not how you can deal with each situation with as little drama as possible.  At some point, you're gonna have to go through the drama she creates when improving things for yourself.

[Cipher13]

I am putting forth an evacuation plan complete with clothing and place to stay hopefully. I was just going to use my car for a place to stay for a while before it turned all artctic cold outside. This is just another one of those times that having family or friends close by would so be a huge blessing. I do not make that kind of money where I can get a hotel room for any length of time. My mind is made up to a degree that it is enough. I falter on the execusion and blame that I don't have anything planned or place to go. I am going to see what I do when I take away my own excuses.

[allibaba]

Telling her work policy precludes you from complying is different from telling her NO.  You're at the least letting her think you would if you could.  It's a passive way of trying to wriggle out of her demands instead of assertively standing up for yourself and telling her NO.  You're just egging things on by being wishy washy about this.

Thanks for saying this Waddams.  I was thinking the same and then got distracted.  Prepare yourself for a battle Cipher, but in the end you will win yourself back... .and you may even get your relationship back.  Read the book I sent you if you get a chance. 

We are behind you.   

[Cipher13]

I looked at it a littel bit. Again thank you for that. I will do what I can to read it with some more time to absorb it all in.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: I also wanted to chime in here and just note that I agree with what the others are saying to you.  Your wife’s antics in asking what the therapist looks like and accusing you of wanting to eff her and asking you to bcc her on emails are off the charts inappropriate.  Telling your wife somehow that your supervisor said the bcc thing is not okay does not go far enough.  I try to avoid telling people what to do, but I really think it’s time for you to start telling your wife “no” about these things. 

Something along the lines of, “it would be unreasonable and unprofessional of me to email co-workers and instruct them to only contact me by email – that would hamper my ability to do my job and would be detrimental to my career, so I WILL NOT be doing that.”  Then let her explode, yell, cry, accuse, etc.  Whatever happens with her, you can still keep your dignity as a human.

[Wrongturn1]

Oh, I would also encourage you to get your wife in to see that couples counseling female therapist that your wife was accusing you about.  If the therapist understands the BPD angle, she might be able to help.

[GreenMango]

Cipher her demands are getting pretty out there.  I popped up the link to jealousy and paranoia before because these things spiral.  They can quickly become a negayive feedback loop where her demands and paranoia worsen your response gets more rigid and her demands get more extreme in reaction to your avoiding or digging in making a point.  Then the crap really hits the fan with a emotional outburst or tantrum.  Sometimes validating her feelings in between (it doesn't mean you agree or think its rational) . This stuff is like a massive cry for attention and help.

One thing as far as slowing this down a bit - if you want to try for this marriage - is validating.

Now I'm not saying validate the invalid - like yeah honey copying you on emails sounds like a great idea.

The more you don't hear her fears the more she's gonna push for outlandish stuff.

It can go something like "I know you are nervous when I'm not around and it makes you feel better when you know what's going on with me."

That's it really.  It isn't about fixing anything or controlling whether she freaks out because that's a different boundary or time out if it gets abusive.  If you validate early it can be a salve and you can work your way to saying no.

Please don't make up emails to satisfy her.  That's not healthy for either of you.

And the paranoia and demands are definitely something I'd bring up with the t.

Ps her demands on the email where totally inappropriate.  She's not well.

[Cipher13]

I will give validating a larger push than I have. I slacked there from time to time. especially when I am feeling like the demands are coming from all  directions. I found and appropriate way to handle the email situation. She was surprizingly accetable with it. I told her that I was told I could not set it up that way and that the procedures in place would not allow for me to set up an email only inbox. 

I was thinking about trying to reach out o her parents for some help. I don't think I can really do much more of this without any help. The T was supposed to be for the both of us and perhaps secretly in my mind it was to gently nudge her to look at and within herself not just me. I know she needs and can only benefit from T.  I need it to keep from loosing what marbles I have left. Last night I almost fell for the open ticket to leave. I started to take it but just before I wnet all in something inside stopped me.  General Ackbar from Star Wars "Its a trap!" Is the first thing that came to me. Even though I began my emergency prep kit for leaving. Its only a pittiful pair of socks and 2 shirts hidden in the spare tire wheel well of my car. Its all I could find that she would not notice as being gone.

[allibaba]

I was thinking about trying to reach out o her parents for some help. I don't think I can really do much more of this without any help.

I think that this is very wise Cipher.  What you are dealing with is bigger than some marital problems.  I think that you need to quietly find an army to be in your court - family is good - you have mentions being Christian - find a pastor or someone at the church that you can talk to.  Make sure when you talk to them that you don't mention mental illness... .talk about her behavior (abuse) and let them know you are starting to question your own sanity things have been so hard... .emphasize that you love your wife but things can't keep going the way that they are going and explain that you need some support to try to save your marriage.  Is her family trustworthy?  Would they go talk to her behind your back and make things worse?

I found and appropriate way to handle the email situation. She was surprizingly accetable with it. I told her that I was told I could not set it up that way and that the procedures in place would not allow for me to set up an email only inbox.  

This works for now.

Last night I almost fell for the open ticket to leave. I started to take it but just before I wnet all in something inside stopped me.  General Ackbar from Star Wars "Its a trap!" Is the first thing that came to me. Even though I began my emergency prep kit for leaving. Its only a pittiful pair of socks and 2 shirts hidden in the spare tire wheel well of my car. Its all I could find that she would not notice as being gone.

Yes, it is a trap.  And good for you for noticing.  

Sometimes the benefit of having an emergency kit is just peace of mind.  When my husband gets loopy, I put my purse someplace else... .just in case.

[Cipher13]

Is her family trustworthy?  Would they go talk to her behind your back and make things worse?

I fairely confident that they are trust worthy. I know they have had to deal with some situations with her before I was ever in the picture so they are aware of some of her potential I'd say. I would definately avoid any discussion with her sister. She has her own mental health issues to deal with and has tried to link my wife into her world of "personal crazy". 

I suspect her Dad has some kind of NPD or BPD but it is nowhere near any sort of level that my wife has. He is well educated in mental helath issues with social working and counseling type back grounds. Her mom however is kind of the glue to the family when it comes to the emotional things I think. So I might try there first.

[Surnia]

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