I do not know where to turn

[lkic]

I have a son who has all the symptoms of BPD, he has never been diagnosed with that but has been diagnosed with OCD, depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder but the symptoms mirror everything I have read about BPD.  He has seen a psychiatrist over the past 3 years but never discloses anything personal so the psychiatrist would never diagnose BPD as he only ever has half the facts.  His mood swings and outbursts are horrendous and I am becoming ill myself just trying to avoid annoying him.  I feel ready to have a breakdown myself and literally do not know where to turn.  I believe he suffers from psychosis and sits in his room every day all day, never wants to engage in conversations and cannot stand anyone being around him.  He has started a course of Cognitive Behavior Therapy which was recommended by his mental health team but has not went to the group therapy sessions but he has bought the recommended books and is giving it his all.  I would dearly love some advice as to how to deal with this as I can feel myself becoming ill and the panic rising in me is starting to really worry me.  He has a job although has not worked now for about 8 months and before that had only managed to work for 5 months in the last 3 years.  He has been really ill with all this but what worries me most is the long term prognosis, I mean do people get better?  I haven't dared mention that I think he has BPD as his rages scare me and I think it would send him into a rage if he thought he had that, he is happy with the diagnosis of GAD and takes medication.  If anyone can give me some hope for the future and advise me whether or not the CBT is the best way forward I would be very grateful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

lkic,

.  I am glad that you found us here.  Yes, people can recover from BPD.  How old is you son?   Is there anyone else in household?

I know what you mean about worrying about setting him off.   That is "walking on eggshells"!  That is not good for your health.  You do have to take care of yourself.

It is good that he is reading the books recommended by CBT.  So, that is a positive, that he is starting with that.   What is holding him back from doing the groups?   It sounds like he is in individual therapy.  If so, that is another plus.

First, read all that you can about BPD.  We have a wealth of information on this site.  Here is a link about BPD and resources:  General BPD Questions and Resources Board


Please let us know if there is anything that we can help you find.  This site, along with therapy, and recommended books have kept my sanity.  Members are very supportive here.

I look forward to seeing your future posts.

peaceplease

[lkic]

Thank you for your reply.  My son is 31 years old, he is currently living on his own, I am fortunate and have another home with my husband.   My husband and my son cannot get on so that situation is impossible.  He was placed in group therapy for CBT and this did not suit him.  He suffers horrendous anxiety and getting out in the morning was a trauma for him.    It was also too slow for him he said and he does actually study better alone, always has.  He is used to studying on his own.  He has no clue that I am thinking he has BPD as he has been diagnosed with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) but I believe this to be a wrong diagnosis as most of the major symptoms were never mentioned.  To say I feel disappointed in the mental health team is an massive understatement.  I am praying that by leaving him alone to do the studying (which is what he wanted) he will get on with it OK.  If it is BPD will the CBT work?   I cannot describe how low I am feeling with this.  It has been going on since he was about 17 with various diagnosis of depression, OCD and  now GAD.  It has ruined our family life and also our future.  I am heartbroken when I look at the life he is leading.  Is it possible that if he becomes an expert on the CBT that this might work for him if it is BPD.  Sorry this is so garbled but I am feeling so desperate.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Ikic,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can hear the fear and stress in your post... . 

Of course you worry, you are his mom... .

First and foremost - are you taking some time for yourself to relax and to take care of your needs? Constant worry like this can cause us to neglect our needs and our health, but that is paradoxically one of the most important things we need to maintain, in order to be of any help to others.

After that, when we can relax a bit, and focus better, it helps to try to sort the complicated entangled situation into smaller categories, and then deal with them one by one... .

To start I see several:

1. Your son's diagnosis issue.

2. Your son's job situation.

3. Your relationship with your son.

4. Your husband's relationship with your son.

5. Your and your husband's crushed dreams for yourselves and for your son.

Regarding your question about CBT - it is one of the therapy methods that are effective for BPD (it works for some, some need a different approach). So, there is hope. It also very much depends on your son's ability/willingness to be an active participant in the therapy and on his commitment to getting better.

The issues number 1-2 are in your son's hands.

You and your husband can work on numbers 3-4 by educating yourself as best as you can on BPD. There is lots to absorb, and it takes a time to learn. The good news is, if you change yourself and the way you respond to your son, the dynamic of the relationship will change also. There is no guarantee that you son will respond in the ways you would like him to, nonetheless, your lives will be more peaceful.

Number 5 is a very sad reality, and it is appropriate to grieve those losses. Grief is a process. If we cooperate with it, we can slowly feel better... . 

Does that make sense?

I am glad you found us, there is so much to work through, and we are here to support you. Members on this site know what you are going through and are ready to give their advice, or just listen when you need it... .