Possesiveness and Jealousy

[izzitme]

Since I have been using the tools that I learned here, things have been awesome between bf and I for about 6 weeks.  He is picking up on and using these tools with me as well and our interactions have been wonderful. 

I notice that when things were bad and he was reactive, there was a weird comfort in it for me because I didn't feel very vulnerable but now that things are great, my own issues are coming out and I need support and direction before it gets out of control and he has something to hang his hat on.  Since I was a child I have been very possessive and jealous and that has been a common theme that has only gotten worse with bad relationships.  I started dating at 14 so of course no 14 year old boy can stay faithful hence justifying the need to feel possessive.  I married a man that I knew I couldn't trust and after 16 years of marriage it ended. For part, I drove him away with my jealousy.  The one thing that attracted me to my bf was that he turned down a stunningly beautiful married neighbor of my friend who wanted to sleep with him while her husband was in Iraq.  She was married and he didn't do things like that, period.   When we started dating he was upfront with me that he doesn't believe in cheating and that the door is open for me to talk about problems with him before I was inclined to do so and vice versa. 

I trust him as completely as one can another human being, so this is more a problem with my same old issues rearing their ugly head.  I have an appointment with my T to discuss this issue honestly, but I was wondering if any of the moderators or guests here know of good articles or books that I can read. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi izzitme,

Ooo, jealousy; it is a monster no doubt, something that I've struggled with and rears itself from time to time.  It's so great that you recognize it as stemming from childhood.

Here's a link about jealousy, geared to the pwBPD; there's still a lot of really good info that might resonate with you, plus some references to other sources of information

Jealousy: How to deal with a jealous partner

What a great topic to discuss in therapy!  Good for you  

[allibaba]

I notice that when things were bad and he was reactive, there was a weird comfort in it for me because I didn't feel very vulnerable but now that things are great, my own issues are coming out and I need support and direction before it gets out of control and he has something to hang his hat on.  

izzitme,

How great that you have been able to apply the tools to your relationship so that there is enough calm to recognize your own issues.  Kudos to you!  

And even better for noticing it before it becomes a major issue!