Something that SHOULD be pretty obvious that may help some

[Octoberfest]

I had an epiphany today... .one that SHOULD be very obvious, but one that has escaped me until now.

With my BPDex, and also with a girl I saw very briefly for 3-4 weeks that ended this past week, I made excuses for the hurtful and wrong things they did.  My BPDex of course cheating the entire time we dated, lied, etc etc.  This new girl also lied to me and went and slept with someone after we said we were not going to go fool around with anyone else while we figured out what we had. I won't call it cheating because we were not dating, and this was a day after we had met that we decided this, but when asked a few days later about it she said that she had indeed not been with anyone else.  She came clean a week later.

A thought struck me today- why is it that I give a free pass to women who I am romantically involved with? Why is behavior that, if carried out by anyone I considered a friend I would immediately disassociate with them, OK for women that I have feelings for... .The truth? It isn't.

And now the epiphany- If I wouldn't want to be friends with someone because of their behavior or actions, I DEFINITELY should not be romantically involved with them.  I hold very high standards for people concerning loyalty, integrity, and honor.  And for too long I have been so overwhelmed by my need to be loved that I have looked past those things to continue being with people who aren't right for me (i.e. my BPDex). 

I posted this here and not in the Taking Personal Inventory board because I feel it may help some here detach... .ask yourselves honestly if you would want to be around someone in a friend capacity that does/did the things your BPDex did/does.  I would bet most all of you will say "hell no".  Ask yourself what you are really missing out on not being with your BPDex.

I know, from having been there, that nothing anyone says is an "instafix".  Detaching is a process, but perhaps this thought can spur others thoughts or help them break through a barrier that they have in the way of healing.

[Findingmysong723]

And now the epiphany- If I wouldn't want to be friends with someone because of their behavior or actions, I DEFINITELY should not be romantically involved with them.  I hold very high standards for people concerning loyalty, integrity, and honor.  And for too long I have been so overwhelmed by my need to be loved that I have looked past those things to continue being with people who aren't right for me (i.e. my BPDex). 

I agree Octoberfest,

I wouldn't of put up with that behavior in a friend, but with someone I cared about romantically I chose to hope they would work on their issues and behave better. I want to be in a relationship with my best friend who I want to sleep with, which means I can depend on him and also get to enjoy intimacy together! I realize now that I've been out of the relationship for many months, that I could not depend on my Ex Boyfriend. If I have someone that expects me to be there for him but he isn't there for me when it counts, who needs that! I mean in life we have some serious hard issues that happen to us and I want a partner that can support me during those times and I would do the same for him!

My Ex couldn't support himself in his life without self sabotage himself, so how could I expect him to be the partner I really need, well I can't!

[willbegood]

This new girl also lied to me and went and slept with someone after we said we were not going to go fool around with anyone else while we figured out what we had. I won't call it cheating because we were not dating, and this was a day after we had met that we decided this, but when asked a few days later about it she said that she had indeed not been with anyone else.  She came clean a week later.

I try to maintain a don't ask don't tell policy that early in a relationship. If someone mentioned not seeing other people after the second day of knowing them, it would send up a huge red flag and I'd run!

[Changingman]

octoberfest,

Totally agree, this is the reason they engage in such similar ways at the beginning. Fast, idealization, slowly letting out more crazy as they go.

[Octoberfest]

This new girl also lied to me and went and slept with someone after we said we were not going to go fool around with anyone else while we figured out what we had. I won't call it cheating because we were not dating, and this was a day after we had met that we decided this, but when asked a few days later about it she said that she had indeed not been with anyone else.  She came clean a week later.

I try to maintain a don't ask don't tell policy that early in a relationship. If someone mentioned not seeing other people after the second day of knowing them, it would send up a huge red flag and I'd run!

I can't disagree with you.  I'm sure I have scared more than a few girls away because I am naturally just a very intense person.  It is something that I am working on.  It does not change the fact however that she agreed to not be with/do anything with anyone else, then went out that very same night and had sex with some random guy, and then lied to my face about it later.

[fromheeltoheal]

People I consider friends don't lie to me, treat me disrespectfully, rage at me, focus on themselves 24/7 and treat me like I'm there to meet their needs, yadda, yadda.  No, my borderline ex doesn't qualify as a friend, the main reason I left her, but the infidelity was a dealbreaker too.

As far as new intimate relationships go, friendship is the most important thing in a relationship to me.  Real friendships take time to develop, and I'm fine with taking that time because I'm more focused on a long term relationship than a quick hook up.  Of course in my youth I ended up in bed with someone by the second or third date, and that meant we had consummated our relationship before we even knew each other really, the wrong way and a way that created a lot of pain in the past. 

There's nothing wrong with hooking up with people to have a bunch of sex, I've been there, but I'm not there anymore, and if she's in that mode then we probably aren't in the same place, a relationship probably wouldn't work, but that's OK, I can adjust my expectations and pursue a friendship, and who knows, a real friendship may develop over time, sometime down the road we may end up in the same place with a real friendship formed, and a relationship might work out.  I say the important thing is to be open, honest, respectful and trusting with each other, at appropriate levels as the friendship develops, and never letting go of those values regardless of what happens or doesn't with a relationship.