finally revealing secret details of abuse

[anystar]

hi everybody! I left my uBPDxbf 3 months ago, we've been NC off and on (now ON, hopefully forever) and lately I've been talking to my T about the things that I kept secret from friends/family.

mostly I'm referring to appalling things he said, which ranged from "your parents didn't raise you right" to "you're useless/broken/stupid" to "you're a ___ing B*tch/___/f*ggot".

lately I've also been thinking about his habit of hurting me, almost every day. he never punched or hit, but he liked to hurt me often in little ways. like pulling on or pulling out my hair, pinching, biting, etc. what's confusing is he never did it as an expression of anger, it was more like he was bored and I was a plaything and my pain/physical discomfort wasn't real. my T says it sounds compulsive. has anyone else experienced something like this? or want to share their own "weird" examples of abuse?

[Mazda]

I was told I was an embarrassment to my family and yes, also, I was damaged and destroyed.  I also kept all of this a secret from everyone, including my therapist and friends and family, in a twisted way to protect him.  It was only after everything went to pieces that I started to open up about the abuse and realised how bad the things he said to me were.  He would do lots of things to emotionally undermine me, nothing physical though, until one night, despite me begging him to stop, he continued his verbal assault on me.  He pushed me to the point of hitting him, when he reacted and hit me back.  He then claimed it was self defence.  Words fail me.

[fromheeltoheal]

The abuse itself wasn't so weird, just the way she went about it.  She was hypervigilant all the time, always intensely focused, never able to relax, always paying attention to how I appeared to be feeling and never, ever ran out of shtting things to say to me, continuous complaining, pick, pick, pick.  I've been with 'normal' girls who have done that, and it's just code for something else, and with a little digging the real issue can be unearthed and discussed.  Not here, it never ended, and the underlying reasons were as mysterious to her as they were to me, and she absolutely wasn't going to talk about them.  And if I pushed, she always had 4 or 5 reasons it was my fault at the ready, there was no winning, never mind creating a win-win.

She did punch me a few times, once in the face, again because I was pushing to have a 'real' conversation for once.  I'm much bigger than she is and it didn't really hurt, not OK nonetheless, but my primary emotion was What the heck?, and to add to the dysfunction I blurted 'What the heck are you doing you psycho btch?'  That wasn't good.  Health vacation please.

[love4meNOTu]

Wow. Ok I'm right here with you on your journey.

My now ex husband (we've been divorced for two months, and last week I found out he was engaged and has moved in with his new woman) was a nightmare.

Verbally? Ugh, it was ___, b%tch, wh0re, and my all time favorite "are you dumb or stupid?".

He would follow me from room to room screaming at me, I would try to get away, even locked myself in my room, the bathroom, and he would break in. I finally took to just leaving the house, while he followed me screaming epithets at me so the whole world could hear.

The first incident of abuse was somewhat innocuous, I was having a hard time sleeping, and he was upstairs fast asleep, so I grabbed my laptop and headed downstairs to surf the internet. It always makes me relaxed... anyway, husband (yikes gotta get used to saying ex) comes downstairs and immediately starts screaming at me... .'YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, ALlove4 YOU DO IS SURF ON THE INTERNET AND BLOG ON YOUR WEB SITES" all the while looking over my shoulder to see what I was doing. I answered calmly... said I love you babe, even when you are acting like an ass. He just sat there until I closed up shop and then forcibly dragged me upstairs by my arm. The next morning, he says to me... .I just need you by my side baby... all the time.

Uh what? Umm... .I knew then something was very, very wrong with him.

He sensed that I knew he had major problems, because I began distancing myself from him. His threats escalated, his meanness was always on the surface, never knew what was going to set him off next.

Oh here's my favorite... .we were in the car taking his 16 yo son out to a birthday lunch. We pass a farm... .my ex husband looks over at me and says "Close your legs, that stinks". hahahaha. Very funny, huh?

I won't go into the constant spying he did on me. How many times I paid dearly (with the silent treatment) for wanting to go to a Mary Kary party, or have a drink with a friend after work.

I'm free... .it doesn't feel like it sometimes because I am still sad... but I am free.

Good luck to his new victim.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just need you by my side baby... all the time.

Uh what? Umm... .I knew then something was very, very wrong with him.

I'm sorry you went through that; good for you for getting free.

His comment is interesting in a clinical sense.  A borderline, lacking a fully formed 'self', looks to attach to another, literally life or death for them in their subconscious, and when they do, the two of you create one person with no boundary in their head, hard to get your head around.  But given that, his comment that he needed you by his side all the time is the disorder to the extreme, a replaying of the dynamic when a borderline is bonded to their mother and never separates to become their own autonomous self, and is always in fear of that abandonment.

My borderline used to look over my shoulder as well, convinced I was chatting with some gal or looking at porn, and it always amazed me how fast she was.  There was nothing to hide but I have 4 monitors, and she could scan every square inch of all 4 in seconds, looking for 'evidence' of infidelity.  That hypersensitivity was her default mode, exhausting and intense, what a way to live, no thank you.

[RecycledNoMore]

Unfortunately I can relate...

There were times when the uBPDx would be in a foul mood, something had gone wrong in his day or hed had an argument somewhere along the line, hed be tense, the tension was palpable, Id do my walking on eggshells routine, tried not to speak or say anything that could be taken as disagreeing with him, hed try to pick a fight with me, little digs here and there, when that didnt work, I knew that ut was something I called " accidental hurty time", hed climb over the top of me to get something on the other side of the couch and " accidentaly" kick me or walk past me in the hall and push against me hard, "accidentaly", stand on my hand etc etc etc... .

Hed never apologise or even acknowledge that hed done anything at all I think it was a way for him to assert control over me, his toy, when his real world experience was spinning out of control well he always had me.

[bpdspell]

Any Star,

BPD is a mental illness that can be cormid with other mental illnesses such as NPD. Sounds like your ex…as well as the many other examples on this post…is a narcissist as well and I certainly can relate. I hid a lot of my ex's behavior away from friends as his behavior became more neurotic, controlling and abusive. In my case the busting of boundaries eventually led to physical violence where he tried to light my hair on fire with a lighter. The arguments: excessive. The break up to make up cycles: toxic. All the while I was being damaged and turned into a rag doll all at my expense.

My ex was borderline in that he was impulsive, reckless and lacked poor boundaries but he was also a smug and entitled, emotionally shallow, controlling, and believed he owned me, my wallet, my time, my sex and anything that would give him the authority to torture and punish me. I became a shell of myself: drained, fearful, and losing all signs of self-respect.

Of course I hid the yelling, screaming, and the control tactics cause I believed I could tame that monster neurotics' of his…especially with sex... .but eventually I realized how "undone and undercooked" this man was and planned my exit.

Hiding abuse within our romantic relationships is quite common; especially when we aren't ready to let go and still believe we have the tools to manage someone else's angst. There's also the shame and embarrassment associated with loving someone who treats you like stepped on gum.

It isn't until your out that you realize how much you actually put up with just to keep them in your life.

Spell