Being Alone in the family or origin with the insight

[Calsun]

It's been really lonely all of these years to have my understanding of my mother's uBPD and the consequences of so much abuse be invalidated, to be the only one in the family of origin with that understanding.  It's also painfully difficult to have mirrored back to me from siblings and from my non-BPD enabling father, who passed away now over two years ago, that the problem was really my perception of things and not my mother's condition.

My sister's boyfriend, who is a very decent person, is unfortunately part of the dynamic now, and he validates my mother's sickness, but is in denial of the severity of my sister's condition.  And so he doesn't understand why I don't want to connect with other members of the family.  Of course, I desperately do want to have meaningful connection with my siblings. Sadly, and it's so absurd it's almost funny, my sister who suffers from severe panic attacks and still, in her fifties, lives with my mother, said that she and my brother have gotten over it, and can't understand why I haven't.  The problem is that since they are really in denial of my mother's condition and the condition within the family, they inevitably end up on some level mirroring back my mother's version of reality, that I am a mother hating, black sheep, who just never got over these things that she did and didn't appreciate all that she did for me, and that I am (and I hate this tag more than anything), too sensitive.

And that is the script that gets played out in these relationships with family members.  They're not BPD's, I think, but they are fleas.

I decided to not spend Thanksgiving with family, and not spend it alone (that's progress for me) and it feels like I have committed some kind of treason.  This is the PTSD that I experienced from growing up in that home.  I still feel that my mother and my family are trying to kill me.  Having become ill back in June, it now feels like they are literally, physically trying to kill me because this kind of chronic abuse truly does affect the body. It's deeply embedded in my body, that if I tried to get away they would hunt me down in some way and destroy me, certainly destroy my joy, vitality, virility, sense of competence.  :)oes anyone have that feeling as well, that all of this was life and death?  That kind of PTSD?  That you were so desperate to get the message out to others, to finally be understood, to finally have someone hear just how horrible it was because the image outside of the family was OK, because I had a brother that was a hero or because I was getting all A's, it didn't mean that I was getting loved and treated with dignity.  In fact the abuse was so terrible and no one believed me.

To be alone with the sense of my uBPD mother's abusiveness and disease, that she was not what she purported to be made me a target for annihilation, almost like I was an informant on the mob.  And the non-BPD members of the family, I felt, were right in line with that.  No support from within the family.

Even though I still deal with all of that PTSD fear in my body, I am learning to feel some joy in my life and to soothe and love myself for who I am.  I'm more at peace with other people, can really connect better with other healthier people outside of my family.  And really learning to build community outside of what was this very diseased, very abusive family.  Learning I am a human being, not a human doing, and that I can enjoy life, rather than just going through life performing in order to prove my worth to the uBPD mother I was trained to internalize.  How I have grown to hate having been made to feel like I was a performer, needing to get other people to approve of me in order to feed my mother's narcissism. Love and peace and joy and inner satisfaction is what I've always longed for.

Best,

Calsun

[Sitara]

I feel your pain Calsun.  I too am the only one who sees anything wrong with my mom's behavior.  My dad does her bidding call, and it would be impossible to attempt a relationship with him without her interference.  I also know that contacting him would place him in a very difficult position, because if my mom found out I was talking to him, he would have to suffer her wrath.  My mom spent most of my life creating a competition and a rift between me and my sister, so we have a very dysfunctional relationship to begin with, not to mention there's a good possibility my sister is also BPD.  My sister has also cut me out of her life, which means I've lost access to having a relationship with my niece and nephew.  It is lonely, but I too am trying to build my life around healthy people.

too sensitive.

This one is so painful because they use it anytime I express feelings, totally invalidating that I am allowed to ever have feelings.

I hope you are able to continue to keep healing and move to a healthier place in your life.

[BonneSante]

The problem is that since they are really in denial of my mother's condition and the condition within the family, they inevitably end up on some level mirroring back my mother's version of reality, that I am a mother hating, black sheep, who just never got over these things that she did and didn't appreciate all that she did for me, and that I am (and I hate this tag more than anything), too sensitive.

Calsun, so much of what you've written describes my family and my situation to a T. It's lonely being the one 'who knows.' It's also hard to not doubt myself, as in... .maybe they're all right and I'm wrong? Maybe it's me?

I see the craziness and call it crazy, but when the rest of the family labels me as yours has done, I start to wonder. But when I see some of the nutty behavior and the scheming, the invalidation, the twisted reality that everyone else believes is true -- then I have to say, 'no, it is definitely not me.' It's such a roller coaster. And I'd like to spend my energy on other, more positive things, instead of always trying to decipher what the heck is going on.

I *do* feel that all of this was life and death, as you say. My family put on a face and didn't let anyone in to see the real family. I honestly thought that I could be maimed, killed, physically hurt. It was so rough to get through, I'm still dealing with it at my age. But I'm also working on building healthy relationships outside of my family, as you are. Because within my family, there is no health.

Best to you, Calsun, and thank you for sharing. 

[petridish]

Hi Calsun,

For what it's worth, even in my family where all the siblings are close and in agreement that our mother has the behaviors of BPD, there can still be mirroring going on. For example, I am currently the cast-out child (I am most often) and one of the others, not the current golden child, blamed me for aging my mother. It's hard even when we all agree on the basics (she behaves in unhealthy and hurtful ways) because the desire to have a functioning mother is so strong that that can override what we know logically.

I also worry about how my mother affects my health. I have lines on my face that weren't there a few years ago and they're not laugh lines. When she is lashing out at me especially, I have noticed that I am clumsier, more forgetful, more liable to do stupid things, and have more issues with heartburn. I also know that in the past (actually before things got worse), for about ten years my nightmares had very limited subject matter: global apocalypse OR my mother coldly turning on me and yelling at me.

I am sorry that you have lacked support from within your family -- I can't imagine not having the validation of siblings to say "crap, she's lashing out today!" I hope you are finding ways to love yourself and be gentle to yourself as you heal! 

[GeekyGirl]

Calsun, you're definitely not alone, as you can see. 

Does anyone have that feeling as well, that all of this was life and death?  That kind of PTSD?  That you were so desperate to get the message out to others, to finally be understood, to finally have someone hear just how horrible it was because the image outside of the family was OK, because I had a brother that was a hero or because I was getting all A's, it didn't mean that I was getting loved and treated with dignity.  In fact the abuse was so terrible and no one believed me.

I think just about everyone who grew up with a BPD parent can relate at some level. Are you hoping to get validation from your siblings or other family members?

I am learning to feel some joy in my life and to soothe and love myself for who I am.  I'm more at peace with other people, can really connect better with other healthier people outside of my family.  And really learning to build community outside of what was this very diseased, very abusive family.  Learning I am a human being, not a human doing, and that I can enjoy life, rather than just going through life performing in order to prove my worth to the uBPD mother I was trained to internalize.

That's wonderful. I know how difficult this journey can be, but after experiencing freedom and the power to live my life, I also see the reward. You deserve joy in your life. We all do... .even our disordered parents. You've done a lot of soul searching and work over the past few months, and I hope that you're starting to see the benefits.

I also know that contacting him would place him in a very difficult position, because if my mom found out I was talking to him, he would have to suffer her wrath.  My mom spent most of my life creating a competition and a rift between me and my sister, so we have a very dysfunctional relationship to begin with, not to mention there's a good possibility my sister is also BPD.  My sister has also cut me out of her life, which means I've lost access to having a relationship with my niece and nephew.  It is lonely, but I too am trying to build my life around healthy people.

That's tough too, Sitara. The word Calsun used, treason, is a good way to put it... .sometimes someone with BPD will see things that way. How are you doing with building relationships with healthy people? That's a good way to take care of yourself.

[Sitara]

How are you doing with building relationships with healthy people?

I'm trying.  I try to focus on making sure I'm putting in a fair amount of effort and remind myself to take things at face value.  The best way to put it is to not put words in other's mouths.  If they tell me their busy, I have to trust that they're busy and not just making excuses because they don't like me.  Trust is really hard, but I'm stubborn and I'm just going to keep on trying.